TOEIC、英検、英会話、英語の学習法紹介 ACE

Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Wow!

Joey: (To Ross) What is the matter with you?!

Phoebe: No! Barry and Mindy.

Joey: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel) Who-who’s Barry and Mindy?

Rachel: Barry was the guy that I was almost married and Mindy was my best friend.

Joey: Ohh-oh, wasn’t he cheating on you with her?

Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.

Monica: Why did they get divorced?

Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isn’t that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be?

Ross: I know what you mean, I’ve always wondered how different my life would be if-if I’d never gotten divorced.

Phoebe: Which time?

Ross: The first time! No seriously, imagine if Carol hadn’t realized she was a lesbian.

Joey: (starts to imagine it) I can’t. I keep seeing it the good way.

Ross: I’d bet I’d still be doing my kara-tay. (That’s karate, he’s just saying it that way.) Towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot of kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from y’know, not doing anything else physical.

Chandler: Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it kara-tay.

Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldn’t be dating me, that’s for sure.

Chandler: Sure I would!

All: (simultaneously) Oh yeah! Come on! Yeah right!

Chandler: What, you guys really think that I’m that shallow?

Ross: No, I just think Monica was that fat.

Joey: Hey, imagine if I never got fired off Days Of Our Lives! (Closes his eyes to do so.) Oh-hey, there’s Carol again!

Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? I’d probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my job’s fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I don’t have to wear a tie.

Phoebe: What if I had taken that job at Merrill Lynch?

Ross: What?!

Rachel: Merrill Lynch?

Phoebe: Yeah, I had a massage client who worked there and-and he said I had a knack for stocks.

Rachel: Well why didn’t you take the job?

Phoebe: Because at that time you see, I thought everything that rhymed was true. So I thought y’know that if I’d work with stocks, I’d have to live in a box, and only eat lox, and have a pet fox.

Ross: Hey, do you guys think that if all those things happened, we’d still hang out?

Opening Credits
{Transcriber’s note: This is where the opening credits are, but they’re not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachel’s still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then they’re dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesn’t apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
[Scene: A newsstand, Ross is buying a magazine and gets in line behind a woman.]
Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green?
Rachel: (gasps) Rob Tillman!

Ross: No-no. It’s-it’s me, Ross!

Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry. Ross Tillman.

Ross: No, no-no, Ross Geller.

Rachel: Ohh, of course Monica’s brother!

Ross: Yeah. Right.

Rachel: Wow! How are you?!

Ross: Good-good, I’m-I’m married. (Shows her his ring.)

Rachel: Ohh! Me too!

Ross: Is-isn’t it the best?

Rachel: Oh, it’s the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm how’s Monica?

Ross: Oh really, really great! Yeah! A-actually she’s right down the street, umm, do-do you know what? You should stop bye and say hi.

Rachel: Ohh, I would love too.

Ross: Yeah? Oh-oh, she’d be so excited!

Rachel: Ohh! Okay!

Ross: Come on! (They start to leave.)

Rachel: Oh wait, don’t you have to pay for your, (looks at his magazine) Busty Ladies?

Ross: No, it’s okay. Some-some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I don’t…

Rachel: (laughs) Oh yeah? Okay.

Ross: (putting the magazine back and holding the money for it) Okay.

Rachel: But! Don’t you have to give him his money back?

Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, let’s go see Monica!

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monica’s boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monica’s fat, I won’t be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
Monica: He’s not boring! He’s just-he’s just low key.

Monica's Boyfriend: (returning) Here we go, one Hazelnut Latte. (Hands it to Monica and sits down.)

Monica: Thanks.

Monica's Boyfriend: Yeah. Y’know, the hazelnut actually not a nut, it’s a seed.

Joey: (not impressed) Wow!!

Monica's Boyfriend: Can anyone else name a well known seed that’s been masquerading as a nut?

Joey: Oh dear God, let me think. (Starts to sarcastically think about it.)

Chandler: (entering, depressed) Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Monica: Oh no! What’s the matter?

Chandler: Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny."

Monica's Boyfriend: Y’know what honey? I got to get back to the hospital.

Monica: Okay.

Monica's Boyfriend: (kisses her) Okay.

Monica: Bye.

Monica's Boyfriend: Bye-bye. (Gets up to leave.) Oh uh, by the way, the answer is, the Brazil nut. (Exits.)

Chandler: Was his question what’s more boring than him?

Joey: Hey man, look sorry about that Archie thing. Do uh, do you need me to give you some money?

Chandler: Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride.

Joey: Really?

Chandler: Ehh.

Monica: Maybe Joey doesn’t have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?

Joey: That’s an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I hired an assistant, would-would you take money from her?

Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!

Joey: That’s great! That would be great! Let’s do that!

Chandler: I could use the money; it could give me time to write.

Joey: Oh right great! Welcome aboard!

Chandler: Okay!

Joey: All right! Now hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I don’t need any assistance in there, take a break!

Chandler: All right!

(As Joey goes to the bathroom, Corporate Phoebe enters. She’s wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase.)

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey Phoebe! Guess what?

Phoebe: What?

Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!

Phoebe: Ohh that’s so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, it’s a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, it’s okay. It’s okay, you’re allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.

(She hangs up as Ross and Rachel enter.)

Ross: Hey Mon!

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Mon, look who I ran into! (Gestures towards Rachel.)

Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!

Rachel: Ohh, so do you! Did you lose weight? (She’s not quite sure of that one.)

Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!

Ross: And, and uh, you-you remember my friend Chandler. (Points to him.)

Chandler: Hey.

Rachel: Oh yeah.

Ross: And that’s Phoebe over there! (Points to her.)

Phoebe: Hi!

Monica: Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How long as it been since we’ve seen each other?

Ross: (answering it) 1987, the day after Christmas, at Sean McMahon’s party. I played you one of my songs, y’know Interplanetary Courtship Ritual.

Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So now, are—do you, do you still do music?

Ross: Sometimes, you should come over (Joey returns from the bathroom) sometime! I’ll play you one of my other…

Rachel: (interrupting him and seeing Joey) Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives, just walked in here!

Monica: Rach, he’s a friend of ours.

Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?

Chandler: Well it’s kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that he’s not real.

Ross: (To Rachel) Hey-hey, or I could bring my keyboard over here sometime!

Rachel: He’s coming over! He’s coming over!

Monica: (getting up) Joey!

Joey: (holding a plate of what looks like Rice Crispies Treats) I know, here-here!! (Hands her the plate.)

Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.

Rachel: (giggles and can’t look at him) Hi!

Joey: (shaking Rachel’s hand) Hi!

Rachel: (still not quite able to look at him) Hi! I love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even though she tired to kill you…

Joey: Well, it’s always nice to meet the fans.

Rachel: Ah!

Joey: (turning and whispering to Monica) She’s not crazy is she?

Monica: No.

Joey: (To Rachel) So uh, how you doin’?

[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe’s cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Who’s this? (Listens) Oh okay, you’re gonna like working for me. What’s your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I… Whatever… Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
Joey: (entering) Hey there you are!

Chandler: Uh-oh, it’s my boss!

Joey: All right, here’s a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work I’m delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)

Chandler: (reading the list) Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins. Teach me how to spell vitamins. Wear in my new jeans.

Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are don’t you?

Chandler: What?

Monica: You’re his bitch.

Phoebe: (yelling from Monica’s room) No-no!! No!!

Monica: (panicked) Oh wait! You didn’t just sit on my Kit-Kats did you?!!

Phoebe: No! There-there was a little, a little diff in the market and I lost 13 million dollars.

Chandler: But the Kit-Kats are all right?!

Phoebe: What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I can’t call my office they’ll kill me! I can’t call my clients they’ll kill themselves! Great, now my chest hearts.

Monica: What?!

Phoebe: (louder) My chest hurts! Oh, and now I-I can’t breathe.

Chandler: Phoebe, are you having a heart attack?!

Phoebe: Oh, if I were, would-would I have shooting pains up and down my left arm?

Monica: Yes!!

Phoebe: Then yes that is what I’m having. (Takes another puff of the cigarette.)

Monica: Oh my God!

Commercial Break
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Ross: Come on Pheebs, it’s not that bad! Y’know most people would be excited if they didn’t have to work for a couple of weeks.
Phoebe: Most people don’t like their jobs, I love my job! I have not been working for three hours and I’m already going crazy. I miss Joan.

Monica: Honey, having a heart attack is nature’s way of telling you to slow it down.

Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was nature’s way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But you’re not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but you’re not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.

Monica: Let’s take a walk. (They start to leave.) Y’know maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)

Phoebe: (To Ross) So what’s going on with you?

Ross: Well umm, I’ve been doing a lot more of my kara-tay.

Phoebe: Still going through that dry spell with Carol?

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: How long has it been since you had sex?

Ross: Well, last weekend…

Phoebe: Oh that’s not so bad.

Ross: …will be two months…

Phoebe: That is.

Ross: …since I stopped trying.

Phoebe: Maybe you need to spice things up a little.

Ross: What-what do you mean?

Phoebe: I don’t know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up; you could eat stuff off each other…

Ross: Oh.

Phoebe: Y’know, dirty talk, mange-a-tois, toys…

Ross: Wow!

Phoebe: Roll playing… You could be the warden; she could be the prisoner. You could be the pirate; she could be the wench!

Ross: Okay, I think I got it.

Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and you’re-you’re-you’re rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybody’s watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.

[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]
Monica: Sorry. So how’s it going with Joey?
Chandler: Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, "Bring me food." Two is, "I’m with a girl, bring us food." Three is, "I’m lost and I can’t find food."

Joey: (entering) Hey! Is uh, is she gonna be all right?

Monica: Yeah! She’s right in there! (Points to Phoebe’s room.)

Joey: Oh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler) Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready!

[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is showing Rachel around the set.]
Joey: All right, and over there is Brady’s Pub where I like to unwind after a long day of surgeoning.
Rachel: Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else?

Joey: Well, that is a large piece of television equipment. (Points at a large piece of television equipment as an old man walks by.) And uh that is an old man! Hey old man!

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: All righty, what do you say we head back to my place?

Rachel: (laughs) Wow! Umm, y’know, I-I would really love to, but I-I shouldn’t.

Joey: Why? (In Drake’s voice.) Why can’t the world stop turning, just for a moment? Just for us?

Rachel: (awestruck, then not) Isn’t that a line from the show?!

Joey: Uh, yeah but uh, (In Drake’s voice) I may have said those things before but, I never truly meant them. Until now.

Rachel: That’s a line from the show too!

Joey: Okay, you watch too much TV.

Chandler: (approaching) Here you go Joe, here’s the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for. (Hands it to him.)

Joey: Thanks! (Looks at it.) Yeah, there’s pulp in that. (Hands it back.)

Chandler: Yeah?

Joey: I thought we talked about this. I don’t like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isn’t juice. All juice, okay?

Chandler: I’m sorry, I guess I just like the pulp.

Joey: Oh my God, I’m sorry, I’m being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.

Rachel: Yeah sure, iced tea would be great.

Joey: (To Chandler) Iced tea.

Chandler: Okay, anything for you sir?

Joey: (To Rachel) Did I not just tell him?

Rachel: (mouthing it to him) Yes, you did.

Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) You’re gonna throw that juice at me, aren’t ya?

Chandler: It’s not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.)

[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross is trying to talk to Carol about what Phoebe told him.]
Ross: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower there.
Carol: Yeah! And maybe someday we could get a place with two bathrooms.

Ross: Look Carol umm, I was, I was thinking maybe uh, maybe we can spice things up a little.

Carol: What do you mean?

Ross: Carol our sex life is—it’s just not working…

Ben: (entering) Dad!! (Runs and hugs him.)

Ross: Hey there little fella! Hey, uh-hey, why don’t we get some shoes on ya, huh? Hey, why don’t you show dad how you can put your shoes on, in your room! Yay!!

Ben: Yay! (Runs off.)

Ross: Yay! (To Carol) Seriously, our sex life… I was thinking, maybe I don’t know, we could try some-some new things. Y’know? For fun?

Carol: Like what?

Ross: Well I don’t know umm, (Pause) what if we were too tie each other up? (Carol’s shocked and obviously doesn’t like that idea.) Umm, some people eat stuff off one another. (Carol doesn’t like that idea either.) Nah! Umm, y’know we-we could try dirty talk? (Carol still says no.) Umm, we could, we could have a threesome.

Carol: (quickly) I love that idea!

[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Who sold a story to Archie Comics?!
Monica: Oh my God! That’s great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) You’re a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!

Chandler: Aww.

Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out…) My last Kit-Kat bar!

(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica won’t let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesn’t budge.)

Chandler: You wanna share it?

Monica: Okay!!

Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know you’re mad, but I just want to say I’m sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Y’know? I mean, y’know how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?

Monica: It’s not mayonnaise!!

Joey: Yeah, o-o-o-o-okay anyway, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. Here. (Hands him a cup.)

Chandler: What’s this?

Joey: Fresh squeezed orange juice, with pulp! Just the way you like it.

Chandler: Aww, thanks man. (They hug.)

Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!

Joey: Oh my God! That’s great! Congratulations! What’s the story?!

Chandler: Oh you wouldn’t uh, care. It’s just a stupid comic book story.

Joey: Are you kidding me?! I love Archie! And the whole gang!

Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesn’t want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assist—as his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that can’t have lumps in them.

Joey: Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that one? ‘Cause I think I read it!

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Monica: Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot!

Rachel: Ohh! And I’m one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!

Monica: Well, y’know it’s none of my business, but aren’t you married?

Rachel: Yeah. Oh I just wish we could not be married for a little bit! Y’know I just wish we could be like on a break!

Monica: Well, you’re not.

Rachel: Oh, it’s so easy for you I mean, you’re not married, you get to have sex with who ever you want!

Monica: Yeah I can! (Laughs) And don’t think I don’t, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.)

Rachel: Monica. You’ve, you’ve done it right?

Monica: (giggles) Of course I have! What do you think, I’m some 30 year old virgin?

Rachel: Oh my God! You’re a 30 year old virgin!

Monica: Say it louder, I don’t think the guy all the way in the back heard you!

Guy All the Way in the Back: Yeah, I heard it.

Monica: It’s not like, I haven’t any opportunities. I mean, y’know, I’m just waiting for the perfect guy. I’m seeing this guy Roger, all right? He’s not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Y’know, give him my flower.

Rachel: Oh my God!! Do it!! Honey, you’ve waited long enough!!

Monica: Y’know what? You are right?!

Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldn’t be all this rules and restrictions! Y’know, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever…

Monica: Rachel! I’m never gonna think it’s okay for you to cheat on your husband!

Rachel: Oh what do you know? Virgin!

[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebe’s room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
Monica: Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!
Phoebe: Oh yeah, the doctor said that could be one of the side effects.

Monica: Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!

Phoebe: No! It’s not a cigarette! The smoke is coming out of me!

Monica: Put it out!!

Phoebe: Okay! Okay! (Puts it out and comes out of the bathroom.) I’m so glad you’re here.

Ross: Come on. (Helps her into bed as her phone rings.) I got it.

Phoebe: Oh, give it to me.

Ross: I got it!

Phoebe: Give it!

(He does a kara-tay move to silence her, then answers the phone.)

Ross: (on the phone) Hello? (Listens.) No she can’t come to the phone right now. (Listens.) Oh, right no problem. Okay, bye-bye. (Hangs up.)

Phoebe: Was it my work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell?!

Ross: J-j-just relax, nobody yelled. Jack just was calling to make sure that you were getting better.

Phoebe: Thank God.

Ross: (To Monica) Yeah, she’s fired.

[Scene: Rachel and Barry’s bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course it’s a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. It’s set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
Nurse: You’ve done all you can Dr. Wesley. You have got to let her go.
Dr. Wesley: Good-bye and God speed, Hope Brady.

(He goes to turn off a machine. Suddenly, Dr. Drake Remoray appears at the door with two cops!)

Dr. Drake Remoray: Not so fast Wesley! (Rachel does a silent clap.)

Dr. Wesley: (with evil dripping off his tongue) Remoray!

Dr. Drake Remoray: That’s right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that, you’re not a real doctor! And that woman’s brain, is fine!

Rachel: (very relived) Oh! Thank God!

[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]

Dr. Drake Remoray: Hope! Hope!

Hope: (sleepily) Drake!

Dr. Drake Remoray: You’re not dying Hope, you’re gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.

Hope: Oh Drake.

[Drake and Hope kiss.]

Rachel: Okay! (She picks up the phone, Joey’s phone number, and starts to dial.) Here we go! Okay! (On phone.) Hi, Joey! It’s Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiche.

Joey: (sees Rachel) Oh, uh, hey Rach. I uh, I was just coming over here to uh… Oh wait, I don’t have to lie to you, you don’t live here anymore. Uh, I’m eating their food. What are you doing?

Rachel: Ross is on a date with my sister and they shut the drapes two and a-half-hours ago.

Joey: Whoa, I didn’t know we could date your sister!

(Chandler and Monica enter from their room and Joey quickly hides the bag of potato chips behind his back.)

Monica: Joey we know you steal our food.

(Joey offers them some potato chips.)

Chandler: I’m good.

Monica: (To Rachel) Oh, are the drapes still closed hon?

Rachel: Yeah. And y’know who should’ve shut their drapes? Is that perverted old couple two doors over.

Chandler: (looking) Is that a swing?

Rachel: Oh don’t even ask!

Chandler: Yuck!

Joey: I can’t believe Ross went out with Rachel’s sister! When Chandler made out with my sister I was mad at him for 10 years.

Chandler: That was like 5 years ago.

Joey: Yeah you got 5 years left!

Chandler: Joey…

Joey: You wanna make it 6?!

Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is on the couch reading as Rachel enters. It’s the next day.]
Rachel: Oh Ross, hi! Hey, how are ya? There you are!
Ross: Hey!

Rachel: (to Gunther) I’ll take a coffee. (To Ross) So how was your big date last night?

Ross: Uhh, it was okay. Yeah, it was fun.

Rachel: Yeah fun? Great! So uh, so did you guys hit it off?

Ross: I guess so.

Rachel: So uh, so did anything happen? Because rumor has it you guys shut the drapes!

Ross: No. No. Nothing happened. I shut the drapes to uh, show her slides of my favorite fossils.

Rachel: Oh, slides. (Laughs.) So really nothing happened.

Ross: Something could’ve happened. All right? She-she really dug my slides. And-and she was definitely giving me the vibe.

Rachel: Right. Was it the, "Please don’t show me another picture of a trilobite vibe?"

Ross: Anyway, if she, if she wasn’t in to me, why-why would she ask me out again?

Rachel: She asked-asked you out again?

Ross: Yeah-uh-huh. Tomorrow night, Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year. Who knows what could happen? I might not be shutting my drapes to show her my slides, if you know what I mean.

Rachel: Okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay! I got it! I got it! I got it! I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! I cannot go with you and my sister thing. Okay? I just can’t. It’s just too weird, all right? I imagine the two of you together and I freak out. It freaks me out. I can’t do it! I can’t do it.

Ross: (while Rachel is finishing her rant) Okay! Okay! Okay! It’s okay. (Rachel stops.) It’s okay. Hey, it’s too weird for you, I won’t see her again.

Rachel: Thank you. I…yeah.

Ross: I mean after tomorrow night.

Rachel: No-no-no! No-no-no! Please Ross, I can’t! I can’t do it! (Starts to freak out.) It’s just gonna freak me out!!!

Ross: Okay! Okay! Ooh-hey-hey-hey! Okay! Okay! Okay! I’ll-I’ll tell her tonight I can’t see her anymore.

Rachel: Ross thanks.

Ross: You want me to call her right now?

Rachel: Oh no! No! No-no-no-no! No, I mean come on that’s-that’s crazy—I mean that’s crazy. So what’s-what’s going on with you? What is going on with you?

Ross: Well umm, oh! I might be teaching another class this semester!

Rachel: Yeah do it now, call right now.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are watching ET.]
Monica: (crying) This is my favorite part.
Phoebe: (crying) Yeah me too.

(We see the TV and it’s the last scene where ET is saying goodbye.)

Phoebe: Oh y’know what’s sadder than this? Bambi. I cried for three days with that movie. No wait two! Because on the third day my mother killed herself so I was partly crying for that.

Chandler: (totally not crying) Well see now that I can see crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon!

Joey: (crying) You didn’t cry when Bambi’s mother died?

Chandler: Yes it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer!

Monica: Chandler there’s nothing wrong with crying! I mean you don’t have to be so macho all the time.

Chandler: I’m not macho.

Monica: Yeah you’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Chandler: No, I guess I just never really cried. Y’know? I’m not a crying kind of guy.

Joey: Come on man there’s gotta be something that gets you choked up! Like uh, uh oh, what if you saw a three-legged puppy?

Chandler: I’d be sad sure, but I wouldn’t cry.

Joey: Okay, what if the puppy said, "Help me Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me."

Chandler: Cry?! I just found a talking puppy, I’m rich!

Monica: Oh, I’ve got it! I have got it! (Gets up and gets something from the dresser underneath the TV.) Pictures from your childhood. This will get you going good!

(Chandler starts paging through the album.)

Phoebe: All right, what’s going on there? (Points to a picture.)

Chandler: Oh, that’s Parent’s Day, first grade. That’s me with the janitor Martin.

Monica: Where were your parents?

Chandler: Oh they didn’t want to come!

Phoebe: Oh Chandler!

Monica: Poor thing!

Phoebe: So that story doesn’t make you cry?

Chandler: No! Look, I don’t cry! It’s not a big deal! Okay?!

Joey: No! It’s not okay! It’s not okay at all!! You’re dead inside!!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is putting away her guitar as a man approaches.]
The Fan: Excuse me.
Phoebe: Yeah?

The Fan: Are you Phoebe Buffay?

Phoebe: Yeah.

The Fan: Can-can I get your autograph, I’m your biggest fan. (Holds out a napkin and a pen.)

Phoebe: Oh you’re my biggest fan? I’ve always wanted to meet you! Hi! (Shakes his hand.) Sure! Yeah! (Signs the autograph)

The Fan: Wow! Wow, thanks a lot! I just wanna say, I think you’re really talented.

Phoebe: You’re just saying that because you’re my biggest fan. (The fan leaves and Joey approaches.) (To Joey) Joey listen, take good care of that guy, okay? (Points) He’s a fan. (To the fan as she’s leaving) Bye! (Exits)

Joey: (to the fan) So, you saw me on Days Of Our Lives huh? Want me to, want me to do a little Dr. Drake Remoray for ya?

The Fan: I have no idea what you’re talking about. But I, but I just got Phoebe Buffay’s autograph!

Joey: Oh, you’re Phoebe’s fan!

The Fan: Oh yeah! I’ve seen all her movies.

Joey: Movies?

The Fan: That was Phoebe Buffay, the porn star.

Joey: (laughs) I don’t think so.

The Fan: No-no, it was! She was in Sex Toy Story 2, Lawrence of Alabia, and I got her autograph! The guys at the comic book store aren’t gonna believe this! (Exits.)

Joey: Hey Gunther, don’t let that guy in here anymore! He just said Phoebe’s a porn star!

Gunther: Well, I wouldn’t call her a star, but she’s really good. You should check out Inspecther Gadget.

[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse, Rachel is at the counter as Jill enters.]
Jill: Hey!
Rachel: Hey!

Jill: You’ll never believe what just happened, Ross just totally blew me off and he didn’t even tell me why!

Rachel: Ohhh well. Y’know what honey? The best thing to do to get over a guy is to start dating someone else. Oh! There is this great guy you will love at work named Bob! He’s a real up-and-comer in Human Resources.

Jill: Y’know, thanks for trying to cheer me up, but I’m not gonna date some random guy from your work.

Rachel: It’s not random, it’s Bob.

Jill: It’s probably because not mature enough. Or smart enough. Maybe he doesn’t like the way I dress—No that can’t be it. It’s really gotta be the smart thing. Oh I’m so stupid! I’m just like this incredibly pretty stupid girl!

Rachel: No honey, okay, okay, you wanna know why Ross canceled the date? Because I asked him to.

Jill: You asked him too?!

Rachel: Hm-mmm.

Jill: Why?!

Rachel: Because you are my sister and Ross and I have this huge history…

Jill: I don’t understand, do you want to go out with Ross?

Rachel: No.

Jill: You don’t want him, but you don’t want me to have him?

Rachel: (changing the subject) Y’know Bob in Human Resources…

Jill: Ugh! I cannot believe you did this too me! You had me doubting how smart I was! (Gasps) You had me doubting my fashion sense!

Rachel: Look, this is not that big of a deal! You just don’t date Ross! There’s a million other guys out there, you just…

Jill: Hey! You have no right to tell me what to do.

Rachel: I’m not telling you what to do! I am telling you what not to do!

Jill: Why are you so jealous of me?

Rachel: Jill this is not about me being jealous of you! This is about you being a brat! Wanting what you can’t have!

Jill: Can’t have?! Excuse me, the only thing I can’t have is dairy! (Starts to storm out.)

Rachel: All right, all right, well you just blew your chances at dating Bob!

Jill: Who?!

Rachel: In Human Resources!!!!!!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is ranting about Jill to Chandler and Monica.]
Rachel: …I am jealous of her?! I mean who does she think she is?! Princess Caroline?!
Monica: You’re jealous of Princess Caroline?

Rachel: Do I have my own castle?

(Joey and Ross enter.)

Ross: Hey! Uh, Phoebe’s not here is she?

Rachel: No.

Monica: (noticing the bag Joey’s carrying) Oh great! Did you get a movie?

Joey: Uhhh, yeah. Yeah. But uh, I don’t think it’s the kind you’re gonna like.

Chandler: You didn’t get more movies that are gonna have us reaching for the tissues all night did you?

(Joey and Ross exchange looks.)

Joey: Sort of…

Monica: Guys, what’s going on?

Joey: (holds up the movie) Phoebe’s a porn star!

All: What?!!

(They all run over to Joey and Ross, Chandler grabs the movie and reads the title.)

Chandler: Phoebe Buffay in Buffay: The Vampire Layer.

Rachel: Oh my God!

Monica: That’s Phoebe! Where did you get that?

Joey: Well down at the adult video place down on Bleaker.

Ross: And-and I, and I saw that Joey was about to go in, so I ran in ahead of him to-to surprise him and, and then I pretended I didn’t know he was in there. (They all kinda look at him.)

Rachel: Wow! I mean, I just—I can’t, I can’t believe this. Y’know, I mean you think you know someone even, even Phoebe who’s always been somewhat of a question mark.

Monica: This is so bizarre. I guess it kinda makes sense though, y’know she had such a terrible childhood.

Chandler: Hey, I had a terrible childhood and I don’t do porn.

Monica: Yes, but you are dead inside.

Joey: All right well, I’d better take that back.

Monica: Wh-what, why?

Joey: We can’t watch that! I mean that’s Phoebe!

Monica: Yeah you’re right, we can’t—we shouldn’t watch this.

Rachel: Absolutely not.

Monica: (hands the tape back to Joey, but doesn’t let him grab it) Y’know maybe a little bit!

Rachel: Probably just the first half.

Joey: No! Hey no! This is wrong you guys! Phoebe’s our friend! Well, I’m not gonna watch it!

Ross: Yeah! Good for you Joe!

Joey: Yeah.

(Ross stands next to him for a second, then goes and watches the movie.)

(The movie starts, it’s a vampire’s lair and Buffay, The Vampire Layer enters dressed in leather and carrying a wooden stake. Suddenly, the vampire opens his coffin and sits up.

Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Ah, I thought I’d find you here, Nasforatool.

The Vampire: Buffay, are you going to plunge your stake into my dark places?

Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Actually, I was kinda hoping it would be the other way around.

(At this point, Buffay, the Vampire Layer and Nasforatool start to get it on. Of course, since this is network TV, we can only see the reactions of the gang to the film playing off screen.)

Monica: Hold on a second! What is that on her ankle?

Chandler: Her ankle is what you’re watching?

Rachel: Well it’s hard to tell… (Rachel gets up to get a closer look, only she’s having some trouble.) Oh God, if she would just stop moving.

Chandler: She’s just doing her job!

Joey: (sitting at the kitchen table with his back to the TV) You sick bastards!

Rachel: Oh, it’s a tattoo! That’s weird, Phoebe doesn’t… Wait that’s Ursula! That’s not Phoebe that is Ursula!

(Upon hearing this, Joey can’t turn his chair around fast enough and knocks it over.)

Joey: Re! Re! Then I can watch that! Rewind it! Rewind it!

Phoebe: (entering) Hey! What’s up? (Sees the TV) Oh my God! What am I doing?!!

Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is reading Chicken Soup for the Soul as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey sweetie!
Chandler: Hey! (He quickly tries to hide the book by throwing it under the couch, only the couch has no back and it slides into the kitchen.)

Monica: (picking up the book) Chicken Soup for the Soul?

Chandler: There’s no back to this couch!

Monica: Why are you reading this? You hate this kind of stuff.

Chandler: Yeah I know, but I figured a shot y’know? Maybe one of those stories would make me cry and then you wouldn’t think I was y’know, all dead inside.

Monica: Oh that’s so sweet! Look Chandler I don’t care if you can’t cry, I love you.

Chandler: Oh that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest.

Monica: Stop it!

Chandler: No, I mean, come on, seriously think about it, we get married, we’re up at the altar and I’m like this. (Makes a bored face.)

Monica: I won’t care, because I know you will be feeling it all in here. (Points to her heart.)

Chandler: Yeah?

Monica: Yeah! And if, and if we have a baby one-day, and the doctor hands it to you in the delivery room and you don’t cry, so what! And-and-and, and if we take him to college and come home and see his empty room for the first time, and you got nothing, it won’t matter to me.

Chandler: Okay, well I won’t uh, worry about this anymore then.

Monica: And-and-and if I die, from a long illness. And you’re writing out my eulogy and you open a desk drawer and you find a note from me that says, "I will always be with you," and you still can’t shed one tiny tear, I know you’ll be crying a river inside.

Chandler: Aww, I love you so…

Monica: What is wrong with you?!!!

Chandler: What?!

Monica: What?! You can’t shed a tear for your dead wife!! Now, I left you a note from the beyond!

Chandler: So you didn’t mean any of that?!

Monica: No you robot!!

[Scene: Ross's apartment, his doorbell is ringing and he’s running to answer it while doing up his pants.]
Ross: You damn kids! You ring my bell one more time, I swear to… (Opens the door to find Jill standing there.) Ohh, uh Jill. Umm, that-that’s just a little game I play with the kids down the hall. Umm, they’ve really taken a liking to me. (Quickly looks out to see if they’re watching.) Uhh what’s-what’s-what’s the matter?
Jill: Rachel and I had a really big fight, can I come in? I-I mean I know we’re not supposed to see each other anymore and I’m okay with that, it’s just that I don’t know anybody in the city and I really need somebody to talk to about it.

Ross: Of course, what happened? (Lets her in.)

Jill: (entering) I don’t want to talk about it.

Ross: Okay, umm…

Jill: But you know what might really cheer me up?

Ross: What?

Jill: Seeing some more of your super-cool slides.

Ross: Wow! Really?!

Jill: Totally, I love them! And, maybe you could finish telling me about all the different kinds of sand.

Ross: Well, I’d love to! Here, you wait right here and I’ll go get the projector and my notes!

Jill: Oh great! Thanks Ross, you’re such a good friend!

Ross: Ohh!

(He goes into another room to get his projector and notes. While he’s gone, Jill quickly checks her makeup.

[Cut to Monica and Chandler’s, Rachel is entering.]

Rachel: Hey! Have you guys seen Jill? I can’t find her anywhere.

Monica: No, I haven’t.

Rachel: Well, is Ross home? Maybe I’ll just call him to see if he’s actually seen her.

(She goes to look out the window at Ross’s apartment and sees Jill staring at her and closing the drapes with an evil look on her face. Rachel is stunned into silence.)

[Scene: Ursula’s apartment, Phoebe is going to confront her twin about her new porn career.]
Ursula: Who is it?
Phoebe: It’s Phoebe! Phoebe!

(Ursula opens the door and is all dressed up with big hair and lingerie.)

Ursula: Hey!

Phoebe: (seeing her dress) Oh God. So-so you’re making porn movies.

Ursula: No I’m not.

(Someone calls out from her apartment.)

Man’s Voice: We’re still rolling!

Phoebe: You’re making one right now!

Another Man’s Voice: Let’s go Phoebe!

Phoebe: And-and you’re using my name!

Ursula: Yeah, can I help you with something?

Same Man’s Voice: Phoebe, come on!

Phoebe: Look, I’m talking right now! You’re—you mean her.

Ursula: Y’know, twin stuff is always a real big seller.

Phoebe: What?!

Ursula: Yeah, I can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars.

Phoebe: No!! No way! No! And stop using my name! And shame on you! (Yells into the apartment) And shame on all of you! You’re disgusting! Especially you (points to someone) with that! (Storms away.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is setting up for the slide show.]
Ross: Slides are almost ready.
Jill: Yeah. Ooh, I know what this is missing! Alcohol!

Ross: Uh okay, well there’s-there’s wine in the kitchen.

Jill: Oh great! (Goes to get it as the phone rings.)

Ross: (answering it) Hello?

Rachel: (on phone) What is my sister doing there?! And why are the drapes shut?!

Ross: O-okay, Rach calm-calm down, okay? She-she’s really upset we’re just talking.

Rachel: Ross! I think she is trying to make something happen with you to get back at me!

Ross: So that’s the only reason she could be here huh? It couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that-that maybe I’m a good listener and I uh I put on a great slide show!

Rachel: Ross, I am telling you that she is using you to get back at me!

Ross: Y’know what? I think I can take care of myself, I’ll talk to you later. Good-bye. (Hangs up the phone and turns to find Jill sitting really close to him.) Whoa! Uh, that was your sister actually. She-she thinks that you’re just using me.

Jill: So? (Kisses him passionately.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a paper as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: So, I just came from the company Ursula works for.

Joey: Oh no, not you too!

Phoebe: No! No! I just went to pick up Phoebe Buffay’s checks; there were a lot of them.

Joey: Nice!

Phoebe: Um-mmm, and I won’t have to go there anymore because I gave them my correct address.

Joey: That’s great, but isn’t it gonna bother that people still think you’re a porn star?

Phoebe: Oh no! No! I know how to handle it.

Joey: You do?

Phoebe: Yeah. (She notices some guy putting a coat on his girlfriend is trying to remember where he’s seen her before.) (To him) You’re trying to figure out where you know me from? All right, I’ll give you a hint. From porn! Okay? (He tries to rush his girlfriend out.) Yeah your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie! (To Joey) See?

Joey: Yeah.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, time lapse, Ross is entering. Chandler and Monica are at the kitchen table. Rachel is on the couch reading.]
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: (To Rachel) You uh, you may have been right about Jill.

Rachel: Oh! I knew it! What happened?

Ross: Umm, she kissed me.

Rachel: What?! You kissed!

Chandler: (To Monica) Maybe we should give them some privacy.

Monica: (To Chandler) Shhhh!!!

Ross: Look, I uh, I tried not to kiss her, okay?

Rachel: Well, it doesn’t sound like it! I mean, it’s pretty easy not to kiss someone, you just don’t kiss them! See look at us, right now, not kissing!

Ross: Let me finish, okay? She started kissing me and-and I didn’t stop it. I guess I-I just wasn’t thinking…

Rachel: Yeah that’s right you weren’t thinking! Y’know what? Let me give you something to think about! (She pulls up her sleeves and steps towards him.)

Ross: Oh wait—hold it! But then I started thinking and I stopped the kissing.

Rachel: Oh, well thank you for taking your tongue out of my sister’s mouth long enough to tell me that.

Ross: Look I-I realize if anything were to happen with me and Jill then nothing could ever happen with us!

Rachel: What?!

Ross: No, I mean, look I don’t know if anything is going to happen with us, again. Ever. But I don’t want to know that it-it never could. So I stopped it and she got mad and broke my projector.

Rachel: Wow. I, I don’t even know what to say. Thank you. (Gently kicks him.)

Ross: You’re welcome. (Gently kicks her back.)

(Chandler starts crying.)

Monica: Oh my God! Are-are you crying?

Chandler: (crying hysterically) I just don’t see why those two can’t work things out!

Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Jill enters.]
Jill: All right, I’m leaving! Because I’m not going to spend one more day with someone whose out to sabotage my every move. That’s you Rachel!
Rachel: Yeah, I got that.

Jill: (To Ross) And you! I throw myself at you and you say no, how gay are you?

Ross: You take care Jill.

Jill: (happily) Okay, see ya! (Exits.)

Rachel: Bye-bye-e!

Monica: Bye.

Chandler: (starts crying) I-I can’t believe Jill’s gone. (They all look at him.) I can’t help it, I opened a gate.

Joey: Okay Rach, that muffin and espresso, $4.50. Ross, double latte, $2.75. Chandler, coffee and a scone, $4.25. And Pheebs, herbal tea, $1.25. So, all together that’s (pauses to figure the total) $12.75.

Chandler: This coming from the man who couldn’t split our 80 dollar phone bill in half.

(A good-looking woman approaches.)

Woman: Hi!

Joey: Hi!

Woman: How much do I owe you for the muffin and the latte?

Joey: Oh that’s on the house courtesy of Joey Tribbiani.

Woman: Oh great! Well, tell him thanks. And since uh, Joey seems like such a nice guy, maybe we could go on a date sometime?

Joey: Well, he’s not used to women being so forward with him; but uh, I good check with him—He says it’s okay. (She hands him her card.) Great! Thanks! Bye-bye!

Ross: Hey Joey, how come our stuff isn’t free?

Joey: It will be when you look like that in a tight skirt! This is great! I’m getting more dates than ever!

Rachel: Wait a minute, you’re only giving free stuff away to the pretty girls?

Phoebe: Yeah Joey that is so gross!

Joey: How about a scone on the house baby?

Phoebe: (giggles) I’m pretty.

Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone but Monica is there playing Monopoly.]
Ross: Hey does anyone have any gum?
Phoebe: Oh I do! (She grabs her huge purse and starts rummaging through it and taking out various items in a futile search for the gum.) Oh, y’know what? No. (Pause) Wait a second. (She removes a bag filled with water that has a goldfish swimming in it.) I know it’s in here somewhere.

Ross: Y’know what? I’m good! I’m good!

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Hey, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at work?

Monica: (congested) Ugh, they sent me home. They said I can’t work if I’m sick.

All: Ohh!

Chandler: I’m so sorry you’re sick.

Monica: I’m not sick!! I don’t get sick! Getting sick is for weaklings and for pansies!

Rachel: Honey, no one thinks you’re a pansy, but we do think you need a tissue. (She notices something hanging from Monica’s nose, as does Joey.)

Monica: (wiping her nose) I have not been sick in over three years! (Sneezes.)

Chandler: I’m gonna grab you some tissue.

Monica: I don’t need a tissue! I’m fine-d!

Ross: When you put a ‘D’ at the end of ‘Fine’ you’re not fine.

Monica: I’m fine-d. I’m fine-d! Y’know, it’s a really hard word to say.

(There’s a knock on the door. The gang is stunned and Phoebe counts to make sure that everyone is there. Out of curiosity Chandler goes and answers the door.)

Chandler: Yes?

(A woman enters.)

Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? I’m her sister.

Rachel: Oh my God, Jill!

Jill: Oh my God, Rachel!

(They run and hug each other.)

Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us!

Rachel: This is Chandler. (Points at him.)

Jill: Hi!

Rachel: And you know Monica and Ross!

Ross: Hi Jill.

Rachel: And that’s Phoebe (points), and that’s Joey.

Joey: Hey, (in the Joey voice) how you doin’?

Rachel: Don’t!! (Joey backs away frightened.) (To Jill) Honey, what are you doing here?!

Phoebe: (To Ross) Which-which sister is this? Is this the spoiled one or that’s bitter?

Jill: (To Rachel) Daddy cut me off.

Phoebe: Never mind, I got it.

Jill: And y’know what I said to him? "I’m gonna hire a lawyer and I’m gonna sue you and take all your money. Then I’m gonna cut you off!"

Rachel: Wow! What did he say?

Jill: That he wouldn’t pay for my lawyer! Then he told me to come here and learn about the value of money from the one daughter he’s actually proud off.

Rachel: Oh! Did you hear that?! My dad’s proud of me! My dad’s proud of me.

Monica: Rach? (Points to Jill.)

Rachel: Oh yeah, sorry. Wait honey, so what did you do that made dad cut you off?

Jill: Okay, I bought a boat.

Monica: You bought a boat?

Jill: Yeah but it wasn’t for me, it was for a friend.

Chandler: Boy did we make friends with the wrong sister! (Rachel glares at him.)

Rachel: Jill, honey, I think this is the best thing that could’ve ever happened to you. I mean you needed to get out on your own anyway! And you know when I did it, I-I-I at first I was scared, and look at me now! I’m the only daughter dad is proud of! Okay, well this is, this is what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna get a job, you’re gonna get an apartment, and then I’ll help you and you can stay with us. Right Pheebs, she can stay with us?

Phoebe: Of course, yeah!

Jill: Oh, that’s so great! Okay, I’m really gonna do this! I don’t know how to thank you guys.

Phoebe: Ooh, I like cards.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is working as Phoebe and Ross are sitting on the couch.]
Joey: (to a customer) Are you all finished here?
Customer: Yes.

Joey: Great! (Joey takes his cookie and finishes it.)

Gunther: Okay, here are the tips for this morning. Jen gets 50, 50 for me, and Joey owes eight dollars.

Joey: What?!

Gunther: For all the free food you gave away.

Joey: Well if it’s free food, how come you’re charging me for it?

Gunther: We don’t give anything away unless it’s someone’s birthday.

Joey: Well, what if they came in third in a modeling contest?

Gunther: No!

Joey: (to a woman who came in third in a modeling contest) Sorry! (He grabs her muffin away and returns it to the serving tray.)

Jill: (entering, carrying a bunch of shopping bags) I just had the hardest day. Those bags are so heavy. (Sets them down.)

Ross: Jill, how did you pay for all this? I thought your dad took away your credit card.

Jill: Oh please, I memorized those numbers when I was 15. But look at all the cool make-it-on-my-own stuff I got! (Holds up a red sweater) This is my "Please, hire me" sweater. (Holds up a pair of black pants) And these are my, "Don’t you want to rent me this apartment?" pants.

Ross: I don’t think charging new clothes too your dad qualifies as making it on your own.

Jill: Oh, Mr. Scientist has to get all technical!

Phoebe: Seriously, I don’t Rachel’s gonna think it’s a good idea.

Jill: So who made her queen of the world?

Phoebe: I would love that job!

Rachel: (entering) Hey! What’s goin’ on?

Jill: Hey!

Rachel: (notices Jill’s bags) Jill! Did you shop?!

Jill: No! They did! (Points to Phoebe and Ross)

Phoebe and Ross: Yeah, we went shopping!

Rachel: You went shopping?! What, and then you just came in here and paraded it right under Jill’s nose when you know she’s trying to quit. Wow, you guys are terrible!

Phoebe: Sorry Jill.

Ross: Sorry-sorry Jill.

Rachel: What’d you get?

Phoebe: Oh well, all right, I got (Ross hands her a bag) (To Ross) thank you, I got uh, this y’know "I want a job sweater." (Holds up the same sweater.)

Rachel: Oh.

Phoebe: And, and then I got uh, these are apartment pants.

Rachel: Apartment pants?

Phoebe: Yeah, you never heard of them?

Rachel: No, of course, of course I’ve heard of them! Ross, what did you get?

Ross: Huh? Oh, I got this—(Holds up this pink frilly thing)—this!

Rachel: A Pashmina?

Ross: Yeah! Oh, I-I love this babies!

Rachel: Really?

Ross: Ross, wants a Pashmina?

Ross: It’s a rug. (Jill winces.)

Rachel: Jill?

Jill: (covers her eyes and starts crying) I’m sorry Rachel, I’m sorry…

Rachel: Oh, come on! You think that’s gonna work on me?! I invented that!

Jill: Right! But, I am sorry.

Rachel: All right, it’s okay. One little setback is okay, just don’t let it happen again, all right? Now since daddy paid for all this stuff, I should take it all away. But I’m just gonna take the-the Pashmina. (Ross hands it to her.) And the uh, and the uh pants. Y’know what, I’m just gonna take it all away, ‘cause that way you’ll just really learn the lesson. Okay? All righty, I’m gonna run a couple of errands and I will see you at dinner. (Leaves with all of Jill’s stuff.)

Jill: She took all my stuff.

Ross: Yeah. Everything but, the little blue one. (Holds it up for her.)

Jill: (gasps) That’s the best one! Oh my God, (hugs him) thank you so much!

Ross: Well. Hey…

Jill: Oh my gosh, that was so lame. Like a Pashmina could be a rug!

Ross: Oh yeah, how about you and the, (mimics her fake cry) "I’m sorry!"

Jill: (hits him) Shut up! I did not sound like that at all!

Phoebe: What about, what about when I said y’know about the apartment pants, how dumb was I?

(They both look at her.)

Jill: Were you this cute in high school?

Ross: Oh stop.

Jill: No you stop!

Ross: No, you stop!

Jill: You stop!

Phoebe: (gets up and sits between them) Okay-okay, why don’t I sit here and you’ll both stop it!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still very sick and is entering the living room from the bathroom wearing a robe. Chandler is reading a magazine.]
Monica: Okay, so what do you, what do you want to do? Let’s do something crazy!
Chandler: I know, let’s rest and drink lots of fluids. (Holds up a glass of orange juice.)

Monica: Okay, I’ll rest. But y’know if I’m going to bed, then you’re coming with me.

Chandler: That would be impossible to resist if you weren’t all drippy here. (Points to his nose.)

Monica: (wiping her nose) Are you saying that you don’t wanna get with this? (Tries to do a little sexy body rub, but it doesn’t work all that well with the big robe.)

Chandler: Yeah, I don’t you should say that even when you’re healthy.

Monica: (in a sexy voice) Come on. (Coughs loudly.)

Chandler: Don’t take this personally okay? It’s just that I just can’t have sex with a sick person.

Monica: I’m with you Chandler! I mean I can’t have sex with a sick person either, that’s disgusting! But I’m not sick! Let me prove it to you. We are two healthy people in the pribe of libe.

Chandler: That’s the thing, see I would like to stay in the pribe of mwha-ah-libe.

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is putting away her new clothes as Phoebe enters.]
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey.

Rachel: What’s up?!

Phoebe: Umm, I think there’s something you should maybe know.

Rachel: Well, it’d better not be about the apartment pants, because I just pitched the idea to my boss at Ralph Lauren and she loved it.

Phoebe: No. No. It’s just I was umm, I was with Ross and Jill after you left and umm, I’m pretty sure I saw a little spark between them.

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah I mean it’s probably nothing, but I just wanted to warn you that there might be something there.

Rachel: With Ross and Jill?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Rachel: With Ross and my sister?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: With my sister Jill and my ex-boyfriend Ross?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: Oh there is no way.

Phoebe: Okay then.

Rachel: Oh my God! I can not believe that! I mean I don’t really like it when Ross goes out with anyone, but my sister isn’t that like incest or something?! Oh my God, and they’re gonna have sex! Oh! Oh no what if he marries her too?! Oh this is just terrible, this is just terrible. And I can’t stop it! I can’t—I don’t own Ross! Y’know? And Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is that she wants to do! And oh my God, I can’t believe Ross is marrying my little sister, this terrible. Oh my God, this is just the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.

Phoebe: But great news about the apartment pants, huh?

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving the bill to the same beautiful woman from before.]
Joey: That’ll be $3.85.
Woman: What do you mean? Yesterday you said I was too pretty to pay for stuff!

Joey: It’s just I can’t because my manager said I… (Gets an idea) (Starts singing) "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Annie…

Woman: Amy!

Joey: (still singing) "…Amy! Happy birthday to you!"

A Male Customer: Hey, that’s weird, today’s my birthday too!

Joey: Yeah, not it here it isn’t.

Jill: (entering) Sorry I’m late, what’s up?

Rachel: (on the couch) Oh hi! Y’know, I just wanted to see if there were any leads on the old job front.

Jill: Oh no! But I just walked past three sales and I didn’t go in. How strong am I?

Rachel: That is great. Hey, y’know who doesn’t have to job hunt? Ross. He works at the university.

Jill: Yeah.

Rachel: Oh so you know that, you guys talked about that, so you get along, so you think you’re gonna go out?

Jill: Me go out with Ross?! No! God no! What would make you think that?

Rachel: I just, Phoebe, said y’know thought she saw something between you guys.

Jill: No! I mean he’s nice.

Rachel: Yeah.

Jill: He’s the kind of guy you’re friends with, y’know? But he’s not the kind of guy you date. He’s the kind of guy you’d date because you did. Me, not so much.

Rachel: Oh not-not so much. Umm, what-what do you, what do you mean is there something wrong with Ross?

Jill: Oh no-no-no, he’s just I don’t know, he’s just a little bookish.

Rachel: Are-are you saying he’s a geek?

Jill: You think so too?

Rachel: No! No I, no Ross is not a geek!

Jill: Fine, then let’s just say he’s not my type.

Rachel: What handsome is not your type? Smart? Kind? Good kisser? What those things aren’t on your list? Ross is a great guy! You would be lucky to be with him!

Jill: Well okay, if it means that much to you, then I’ll ask him out.

Rachel: Oh no-no-no, no-no-no, that’s not what I meant.

Jill: No! Y’know what Rachel? You’re right, y’know he has been really nice to me.

Rachel: Yeah but, he’s not your type.

Jill: Yeah but maybe that’s a good thing. Y’know I’m doing all these different sorts of things, and maybe I should try dating a geek too!

Rachel: Yeah but, you don’t, you don’t, you don’t want to try to much too fast. Y’know? I mean, you do remember what happened to the little girl that tried to much too fast don’t you?

Jill: What?

Rachel: She-she died Jill.

Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has fallen asleep reading a book. Monica calls from the bedroom and wakes him up.]
Monica: (still sick) Chandler!
Chandler: Oh what is it honey, you need some tea? Some soup? (He gets up from the couch and goes into the bedroom to find Monica, still in the robe, lying seductively on the bed. Or at least she’s trying too and as he enters the room, she takes the robe off on of her legs.) Oh-ohhhh!

Monica: (trying to be seductive) Calling Dr. Big, Dr. Big to the bed.

Chandler: Oh Jeez honey, I thought, I thought you were asleep.

Monica: How could I be asleep knowing that you were in the next room.

Chandler: I was asleep. (She takes off her robe and starts to shiver) Oh no! No-no honey! Y’know what’s sexy? Layers. Layers are sexy. And blankets are sexy. And oh! Hot water bottles are sexy.

Monica: Come on, get into bed! I want to prove to you that I’m not sick! I wanna make you feel, as good as I feel. (Sneezes.)

Chandler: Would you please get some rest!

Monica: I’m fine. (She goes into one of those half sneezing, half-coughing fits that you get with a bad cold or flu.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is singing Happy Birthday to yet another good-looking woman. Gunther is watching and is not very happy.]
Joey: (singing) "Happy birthday to you!"
Gunther: You’re paying for that.

Joey: What? No-no it’s her birthday!

Gunther: You’ve sung Happy Birthday to 20 different women today!

Joey: But it really…

Gunther: You are no longer authorized to distribute birthday muffins.

Joey: Damnit! (Storms off.)

Ross: (entering) Rach? Hi!

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Did you tell your sister to ask me out?

Rachel: Well yeah…

Ross: Oh wow! I mean, wow! I mean, I-I-I think she’s cute but I-I would never have thought of going out with her, never!

Rachel: Really?!

Ross: Yeah but after you said it was okay, I figured, "Why not?!"

Rachel: Oh so-so not really never.

Ross: I have to say you are a much bigger person than I am. I mean after all we’ve been through, I just—y’know I wish I had a brother to reciprocate. Hey, if you ever want to go out with Monica, you have my blessing.

Joey: (overhearing them) Oh-ho, and mine!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still sick and is hobbling out into the living room for some help from Chandler who’s on the couch reading.]
Monica: (entering) Chandler, I think I’m sick.
Chandler: Really? Struck down in the pribe of libe!

Monica: Okay, fine I admit it! I feel terrible! Would you please rub this on my chest? (She hands him some of that Vicks Vap-O-Rub to put on.)

Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no, you are not getting me this way.

Monica: Come on! I really need your help!

Chandler: No-no-no-no-no!

Monica: Fine, I’ll rub it on myself.

Chandler: Okay.

(To start this task, she lowers the top of her robe to reveal that she is naked from the waist up, well at least her back is, and starts to rub on the gunk. Chandler notices this, and has something start happening. I’ll let you fill in the blank here.)

Chandler: So you’re just, kinda rubbing it on yourself?

Monica: Yeah?

Chandler: It’s nice.

Monica: Are you kidding me?! Is this; is this turning you on?

Chandler: Yes! (Hangs his head in shame.)

Monica: I can’t believe it! What is it? Is it the rubbing or the smell?

Chandler: It’s all very, very good. (She covers up and sits down.) So you wanna go uh, mix it up?

Monica: Not now, I’m sick!

Chandler: Oh come on you big faker!

Monica: What happened to your rule about never sleeping with sick people?

Chandler: Well that was before all the vaporizing action.

Monica: Okay, if you really wanna have sex…

Chandler: Okay! (Runs into the bedroom.)

Monica: Worked like a charm.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Jill enters to start her date with Ross.]
Jill: (entering) Hi!
Rachel: Hi! Wh-what are you doing here?

Jill: This is where Ross and I are meeting for our date. So, what do you think? (She spins to show Rachel the outfit she’s wearing.)

Rachel: Well, I-I don’t like it.

Jill: Really?!

Rachel: It’s kinda slutty.

Jill: It’s yours!

Rachel: Yeah well, I’m-I’m a slut.

Jill: (laughs) Me too.

Ross: (entering) Hi Jill!

Jill: Hey!

Ross: Hi (sees Rachel and forgets her name for a moment).

Rachel: Rachel.

Ross: Rachel! Well, you-you’re not at home, you’re-you’re-you’re right here.

Rachel: Yeah I know, and I bet you thought it would be weird. But it’s not!

(There’s an awkward silence.)

Ross: Okay. So well I’ll umm, (To Rachel) I’ll have her home by midnight.

(Rachel laughs a little too hard as Ross and Jill leave for their date. After they have left, Rachel starts to break down.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel enters and walks quickly over to the window to watch Ross’s apartment. We see that Ross’s apartment is empty.]
Rachel: Why aren’t you home yet?!
Monica: (calling from the bathroom) Is someone there?

Rachel: Oh yes, it’s me! Sorry!

Chandler: (calling from the bathroom) What are you doing here?

Rachel: Uh, I’m just, I’m just looking out your window. At-at the view. What are you guys doing?

Chandler: We got some Vap-O-Rub in some places.

(We see that Ross is returning to his apartment with Jill.)

Rachel: (gasps) Oh, he brought her back to his apartment.

Monica: (entering with Chandler) Who? (She looks out the window at Ross’s apartment) Is that your sister?

Rachel: Ugh, she is a slut!

Monica: God, Ross is on a date with your sister! How weird is that?!

Rachel: Oh my God, look-look he’s taking off her clothes!

Chandler: He’s taking off her coat!

(We see that Ross is taking off Jill’s coat.)

Rachel: Oh, this is just terrible.

Monica: Oh no it’s not, no it’s not. It’s a first date. I’m sure that nothing is gonna…(as she is talking we see Ross close his drapes.)

Rachel: Oh. (Squeaks again.)

Chandler: Ho-oh, he’s gonna get some! (Rachel looks at him.) Of the glare from the streetlight out of his apartment. Y’know so umm, he’s closed the drapes there so he can have a nice, pleasant conversation with your little sister. (Pause) Well, I’m off to bed! (Goes to bed.)

To Be Continued

Ending Credits

(There is no credits scene, just a preview of the next couple of episodes.)

Ross: Hey, you’re not going to believe this. I made up a joke and sent it in to Playboy. They printed it!

Phoebe: I didn’t know Playboy prints jokes.

Ross: Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. It’s not just about the pictures.

Monica: That didn’t work on mom, it’s not going to work on us.

Ross: (showing them the page) Here, check it out. It’s the first one, too.

(They all laugh indifferently, except Chandler, who’s a little angry.)

Chandler: That is funny. It was also funny when I made it up.

Ross: What?

Chandler: I made that joke up.

Ross: Uh, oh-oh, no you didn’t. I did.

Chandler: Yes, I did. I told it to Dan at work, and he said it was the funniest joke he’d ever heard.

Ross: Hey, tell Dan, ‘Thanks.’

(Rachel is looking at the magazine and laughing.)

Ross: What?

Rachel: I’m sorry, I was just reading the joke below it. Man, that one is funny. (Ross grabs the magazine away from her.)

Chandler: Monica, you remember me telling you that joke, right?

Monica: No.

Chandler: Seriously?

Monica: Well, you tell a lot of jokes!

Ross: Look, Chandler, it’s my joke. But, hey, if it makes you feel any better they don’t print the name, so it doesn’t really matter who gets credit, right?

Chandler: Yeah, I guess.

Joey: (entering) Hey guys.

Chandler: (jumping up from his chair) Hey, Joey, Playboy printed my joke.

Ross: No, it’s my joke, it’s mine. You can call them, they’ll tell you.

Chandler: It’s my joke.

Ross: It’s my joke.

Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. Jokes? You guys know they have naked chicks in there, right?

Opening Credits
[Scene: Joey’s apartment, Joey is sitting at the counter as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Dude, you have got to turn on Behind the Music. The band Heart is having a really tough time, and I think they may break up.
Joey: Let’s go watch it at your place.

Chandler: Nah, Monica’s watching some cooking show. Come on, I don’t want to miss when they were skinny.

Joey: Chandler, Chandler, y’know what we should do? You and I should go out and get some new sunglasses.

Chandler: What? No, I want to watch this. (He turns on the television and the screen is completely covered in snow). Did your cable go out?

Joey: No, that’s VH-1. I gotta tell you, the music these kids listen to today . . . It’s like a lotta noise to me. I don’t know…

Chandler: Joey, why is your cable out?

Joey: I uh, oh! Because, uh, I haven’t really paid the bill

Chandler: If you need money, will you please-please just let me loan you some money?

Joey: No, Chandler. Look, forget about it, okay? Look, I know things have been a little tight since Janine moved out. Oh, was she hot.

Chandler: Whoa ho.

Joey: I know! Yeah, but, look I can handle it. All right? Look, I can listen to the radio, huh? And Ross gave me this great book (holds up the Playboy magazine).

Chandler: (picks up the phone) All right, you want to see if the joke stealer will let us watch the show at his place?

Joey: Sure.

Chandler: (with phone to ear, obviously hearing no dial tone) Paid your phone bill?

Joey: Not so much.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Rachel are on the couch looking at the Playboy magazine. When they hear someone coming, Monica goes to hide it under the sofa cushions.]
Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
Monica: (relieved) It’s only you.

Phoebe: Wh-wh-what are you doing?

Rachel: We are looking at a Playboy.

Phoebe: Oh, I want to look too! (She runs over and sits down and checks out a picture). Yikes!

Monica: So do you think that these pictures—Are, are they trying to tell a story?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, like in the case of this young woman, she has lost her clothes, so she rides naked on the horse, she’s crying out, ‘Where are they, where are they?’

Monica: Well, she’s not going to find them lying in the grass like that.

(They flip through the pages to another picture.)

Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Aw, remember the days when you used to go out to the barn, lift up your shirt, and bend over?

Rachel and Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: You see, now, I would date this girl. She’s cute, she’s outdoorsy, you know, and she knows how to build a fire. I mean, that’s got to come in handy

Monica: Okay, I’ve got a question. If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be?

Rachel: (thinks) I don’t know.

Monica: Me neither.

Phoebe: Rachel.

Monica: What?!

Phoebe: I don’t know. (Pause) Me neither.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Ross are sitting on the couch.]
Joey: You forget how many great songs Heart had.
Chandler: Yeah.

Ross: You know, Barracuda was the first song I learned to play on the keyboard.

Chandler: So, you heard it, you repeated it, so that must mean you wrote it.

Joey: Oh, you guys, with this joke. I gotta say, I know I cracked up, but I’m not even sure I got it.

Ross: What, you didn’t get it? The doctor is a monkey.

(He and Chandler crack up.)

Chandler: And monkeys can’t write out prescriptions.

(He and Ross crack up again. Joey just sits there)

Chandler: (stops laughing, to Ross) You are not allowed to laugh at my joke.

Ross: Your joke? Well, I think ‘the Hef’ would disagree, which is why he sent me a check for one hundred ah-dollars.

Chandler: So, you stole my joke, and you stole my money.

Ross: Well, I was going to stick it in the ATM, but now I think I’ll show the sexy teller that I am a published writer.

Chandler: Well, she is going to know that you stole the joke.

Ross: Oh, what are you going to do, follow me down there?

Chandler: Yeah!

Ross: Well, I’m not going to go now anyway (he goes to sit down).

Chandler: Okay (he goes to sit down).

(Ross leaps out of his chair and runs out the door, with Chandler in hot pursuit.)

Gunther: (handing Joey the bill) Here you go.

Joey: Ah, Gunther, I can’t pay for this right now because I’m not working, so I’ve had to cut down on some luxuries like uh, payin’ for stuff.

Gunther: Well, if you want, you can work here.

Joey: Uh, I don’t know. Ya see, it’s just, see I was a regular on a soap opera y’know? And to go from that to this, I just… Plus, I’d have to wait on all my friends.

Gunther: Okay, but the money’s good, plus you get to stare at Rachel as much as you want.

Joey: What?!

Gunther: Flexible hours.

Joey: Maybe I could be a waiter. Could I use the phone?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, they are in bed together.]
Monica: (visibly upset) She picked Rachel. I mean, she tried to back out of it, but it was obvious. She picked Rachel.
Chandler: (visibly upset) He took my joke, he took it.

Monica: It’s wrong. You know what else is wrong? Phoebe picking Rachel.

Chandler: You know who else picked Rachel? Ross, and you know what else Ross did? He stole my joke. You know what? I’m going to get a joke journal. Y’know? And document the date and time of every single one of my jokes.

Monica: That’s a good idea.

Chandler: Yeah!

Monica: Do you know what’s a bad idea?

Chandler: Picking Rachel.

Monica: That’s right. (A noise comes from the living room.) Did you hear something?

Chandler: Maybe it’s the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts.

Monica: It’s coming from the living room.

(They go out to investigate, and find Joey wrapped in a blanket watching their television.)

Joey: (sheepishly) I finished my book. (Chandler and Monica slowly retreat back to bed.)

[Scene, Phoebe and Rachel’s, they’re sitting together on the couch.]
Monica: (entering) Hey, you guys.
Phoebe and Rachel: Hey.

Monica: (laughing) Oh, don’t you guys look cute. You guys make such a cute couple.

Rachel: Monica, what are you doing?

Monica: (laughing harder) Nothing, I’m just trying to recreate some of the fun that we had at my place the other day. (To Phoebe) Remember, when you picked Rachel over me? That was funny.

Phoebe: I guess it was kinda funny.

Monica: (angrily) It wasn’t funny at all! Why would you do that? Why didn’t you pick me?

Phoebe: Fine. The reason that I was leaning a little bit more toward Rachel than you is just that you’re … just … kinda high maintenance—Okay let’s go to lunch!

Monica: That is completely untrue. You think I’m high maintenance? Okay, prove it. I want you to make a list and we’re going to go through it point by point!

Phoebe: No, okay, you’re right. You’re easy-going. You’re just not as easy-going as Rachel. She’s just more flexible and-and mellow. That’s all.

Rachel: (To Monica) Well, people are different.

Phoebe: Ya, you know, Rachel … she’ll do whatever you want. Y’know, you can just walk all over her.

Rachel: What? Wait a minute. What are you saying, that I’m a pushover? I’m not a pushover.

Phoebe: Oh, okay, (laughing) you’re not a pushover.

Rachel: Oh my … you think I’m a pushover. Well wait, watch this, you know what? You’re not invited to lunch. What do you think of that? I think that’s pretty strong, that’s what I think. Come on, Monica, let’s go to lunch. (She leaves)

Monica: (to Phoebe) You start working on that list. (She grabs her coat and leaves, too.)

[Cut to the hallway.]

Rachel: I cannot believe her.

Monica: I know. Where do you wanna go eat?

Rachel: Oh, oh, I love that Japanese place.

Monica: I’m sick of Japanese. We’re not going there.

Rachel: All right, wherever you wanna go is cool.

Monica: All right.

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are there as Ross enters and sees Gunther.]
Ross: (showing the Playboy magazine to Gunther) Oh, hey, Gunther, check this out.
(Gunther looks at the joke and laughs.)

Gunther: Yeah, that-that Chandler cracks me up.

(Ross begins to say something, realizes what Gunther just said, turns, and glares at Chandler. Chandler just shrugs it off.)

Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you want anything to drink, ‘cause I’m heading up there.

Ross: Uh, yeah, I’ll take a coffee. Thanks, man.

Joey: Sure. (To Monica and Rachel) Coffee? ‘Cause I’m going up there.

Rachel: No.

Monica: No, thank you.

Joey: (to a table of strangers) You guys need anything, ‘cause I’m heading up there.

Woman: I’d love an ice water.

Joey: You got it.

Monica: Joey, what are you doing?

Joey: Just being friendly. (He gives Monica a ‘what’s wrong with you?’ look and proceeds to walk behind the counter.)

Rachel: Joey, honey, I don’t think you’re supposed to go back there.

Joey: Nah, it’s okay. Right, Gunther? (Winks at him as if they’re in on a secret together.)

Gunther: Don’t wink at me. And put on your apron.

Joey: Okay, but I don’t see you asking any other paying customers to put on aprons.

Monica: Joey, do you work here?

Joey: No.

Customer: Hey, waiter.

Joey: Yeah?

Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Monica: Joey, what’s going on. What didn’t you tell us you work here?
Joey: It’s kind of embarrassing, y’know. I mean, I was an actor and now I’m a waiter. It’s supposed to go in the other direction.

Chandler: So is your apron. You’re wearing it like a cape.

Joey: I mean, the job’s easy and the money’s good, you know? I guess I’m going to be hanging out here anyway. I might as well get paid for it, right? I just feel kind of weird serving you guys.

Rachel: Come on, Joey, I did it and it was fine.

Ross: Yeah, why would it be weird? Hey, Joey, can I get some coffee?

Joey: Okay, I guess it doesn’t seem that weird.

Ross: Seriously, I-I asked you before and you still haven’t gotten it.

Joey: See, now it’s weird again.

Chandler: I think it’s great that you work here. You’re going to make a lot of money, and here’s your first tip: Don’t eat yellow snow. (He laughs, then picks up a pen, glares at Ross, and writes in his journal). Ah ha ha, 2:15, coffeehouse.

Rachel: Well, you know what? This is great. Finally, I have someone I can pass on my wisdom too. Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the coffeehouse. First of all, the customer is always right. (Joey nods.) A smile goes a long way. (Joey smiles) And if anyone is ever rude to you? Sneeze muffin.

Joey: Thanks, Rach. Look, you guys are just terrific. Y’know? Now, how about clearing out of here so I can get some new customers. It’s all about turnover.

Ross: Joey, seriously, can I get my coffee?

Joey: Oh, I’m sorry, Ross. I’ll get it for you right now. And since I made you wait, I’ll toss in a free muffin.

(He looks at Rachel and winks, she gives him the thumbs-up sign.)

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel’s, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Rachel and Monica enter.]
Rachel: Phoebe. We would like to talk to you for a second.
Phoebe: Okay.

Monica: So, maybe I am a little high maintenance. And maybe Rachel is a little bit of a pushover. But you know what we decided you are?

Rachel: Yes, we are very sorry to tell you this, but you, Phoebe, are flaky.

Monica: Hah!

Phoebe: That true, I am flaky.

Rachel: So, what, you’re just, you’re just okay with being flaky?

Phoebe: Yeah, totally.

Monica: Well, then, I’m okay with being high maintenance.

Rachel: Yeah, and I am okay with being a pushover.

Phoebe: That’s great. Good for you guys.

Monica: I am not high maintenance!

Rachel: I am not a pushover!

Phoebe: Who said you were?

Monica and Rachel: You did!

Phoebe: Oh, I’m flaky. I’ll say anything.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is coming back from using the phone.]
Joey: Hey, Gunther. Can you uh, can you cover for me? I just got an audition.
Gunther: No, I’m leaving to get my hair dyed.

Joey: Really?! I like your natural color. Come on man, it’s a great part. Look, check it out. I’m the lead guy’s best friend and I wait for him in this bar and save his seat. Listen-listen. ‘I’m sorry, that seat’s saved.’

Gunther: That’s the whole part?

Joey: Okay, maybe he’s not his best friend, but …

Gunther: Okay, I’ll see you in an hour.

Joey: Oh, man, I could totally get that part. ‘I’m sorry, that seat is taken.’

Patron: Oh, excuse me.

Joey: No, no, I didn’t mean you. But, you believed me, huh?

Patron: I believed you were saving this seat for someone.

Joey: So, you’d hire me, right?

Patron: For what?

Joey: Exactly! All right, everybody, listen up. The coffeehouse is going to be closed for about an hour.

Customers: Huh? What?

Joey: Yeah, it’s for the kids. To keep the kids off drugs. It’s a very important issue in this month’s Playboy. I’m sure you all read about it.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Ross are both pouting and sitting on the couch.]
Ross: It’s my joke.
Chandler: It’s my joke.

Ross and Chandler: It’s my joke.

Ross: Y’know, I don’t think we’re going to settle this.

Chandler: Let’s have Monica decide.

Ross: Yeah!

Chandler: Yeah!

Ross: Hey Mon.

Chandler: Mon, get out here!

Ross: Monica! (She appears, not sure why she was summoned.)

Chandler: Okay, okay. You have to help us decide whose joke this is.

Monica: Why do I have to decide?

Chandler: Because you’re the only one that can be fair.

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: I can’t be fair. You’re my boyfriend.

Ross: Yeah, but I’m your brother. We’re family. That’s the most important thing in the world.

Chandler: (to Ross) Don’t try to sway her. (To Monica) (Softly) I’m your only chance to have a baby. Okay, let’s go.

Ross: We’ll each tell you how we came up with the joke and then you decide which one of us is telling the truth—me.

Monica: Okay, Chandler, you go first.

Chandler: Okay, I thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with Steve.

Monica: Oh, wait, is he the guy I met at Christmas?

Chandler: Can I finish my story?!

Monica: Do you want me to pick you?!

Ross: See, I would never snap at you like that.

(Chandler motions to Monica that he’ll give her two babies.)

Monica: Continue.

Chandler: So Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And Steve’s doctor’s name is Doctor Muppy. So I said, ‘Doctor Monkey?’ And that is how the whole Doctor Monkey thing came up. (He slams his feet up on the table to emphasize his point.)

Ross: Are you kidding? Okay, look. I-I studied evolution. Remember, evolution? Monkey into man? Plus, I’m a doctor, and I had a monkey. I’m Doctor Monkey!

Chandler: I’m not arguing with that.

Monica: All right, I’ve heard enough. I’ve made my decision.

(Both Chandler and Ross are eager to hear her decision.)

Monica: You are both idiots. The joke is not funny, and it’s offensive to women, and doctors, and monkeys! You shouldn’t be arguing over who gets credit, you should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world! Now let it go! The joke sucks!

(Monica leaves the room)

Ross: It’s your joke.

Chandler: Is not.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at a table and Phoebe is on the couch. Chandler and Monica can be seen outside, she’s lecturing him, and pushes him inside. He then nods to Rachel, and is obviously counting off the seconds in his head and then Monica makes a grand enterance.]
Monica: Hi, Chandler. There you are.
Chandler: Hi, oh hi.

Monica: Hey, it’s Phoebe and Rachel. Um, why don’t you tell them what you were telling me earlier about me not being high maintenance?

(Rachel and Phoebe exchange looks.)

Chandler: (starts to recite a rehearsed speech) Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady. (Pause.) Being with her has been like being on a vacation. And what may be perceived as high maintenance is merely attention to detail and—(He falters and Monica prompts him.)—generosity of spirit.

Rachel: Wow, you know what? That is the best fake speech I think I’ve ever heard.

Phoebe: Really? I’ve heard better.

Monica: Wait, wait, he came up with that himself. Tell them, Chandler.

Chandler: (To Chandler) I’m out of words. Should I just say the whole thing again?

Monica: Look, I am not high maintenance. I am not. Chandler!

Chandler: (pauses as he struggles with what he has to say) You’re a little high maintenance.

Monica: Ahhh! You are on my list.

Chandler: I’m sorry. You’re not easy-going, but you’re passionate, and that’s good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think that I’m pretty good about making you feel better about that. And that’s good too. So, they can say that you’re high maintenance, but it’s okay, because I like … maintaining you.

Monica: (embarrassed) (To Phoebe and Rachel) I didn’t even tell him to say that. (They hug). All right you’re off my list.

Chandler: (happily) I’m off the list. (Sits on the couch.)

Monica: (sits next to him) Phoebe, it’s okay that you don’t want me to be your girlfriend because I have the best boyfriend.

Phoebe: (to Monica) Y’know, suddenly I find you very attractive.

(Joey enters.)

Chandler: Hey, buddy boy, how’d the audition go?

Joey: Not good, no. I didn’t get the part, and I lost my job here, so …

Phoebe: Wow! That is a bad audition.

Rachel: How-how did you lose your job here?

Joey: Well, I had the audition but Gunther said I had to stay here and be in charge so he could go get his hair dyed. So, I went anyway, and then he fired me.

Rachel: He left work in the middle of the day to do a personal errand and left you in charge when you’ve been working here two days? That’s not, that’s not right.

Joey: Yeah, what are ya gonna do?

Rachel: Joey, you can’t let him get away with that. Ya know what, I’m not going to let him get away with that. I’m going to say something to him—No, I really shouldn’t say anything—No, I should say something to him. (Goes to the counter) Gunther, I want you to give Joey his job back. That is really not fair that you have to fire him…

Gunther: Okay.

Rachel: What?

Gunther: He can have his job back.

Rachel: That’s right, he can have his job back. I’m glad we got that all straightened out. There you go, Joey, you got your job back.

Joey: That’s great. Thanks Rach.

Rachel: Yeah, pretty nice, huh? Now who’s a pushover?

Phoebe: (returning from the bathroom) Rach, you’re in my seat.

Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry. (Gets up and moves.)

Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting at the kitchen table, talking.]
Phoebe: Hey, I never got to hear who you guys would pick to be your girlfriend.
Monica: I pick you, Phoebe.

Rachel: Oh, yeah. Definitely you, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Yeah, well, I kinda thought.

(Phoebe gets up from the table, and while her back is turned, Rachel and Monica indicate via sign language that they each would have picked the other.)

(Joey, Chandler and Ross enter.)

Chandler: Hey.

Rachel: Hey. Oh, I have a question. If-if-if one of you had to pick one of the other two guys to go out with, who would you pick?

Ross: No way.

Joey: I’m not answering that.

Chandler: Joey! (Pause as they all stare at him.) No way. I’m not answering that.

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Listen, do you guys think I have a chance with Janine?

Monica: Honey, we have been through this before!

Rachel: Yeah. Don’t do this to yourself.

Phoebe: She’s made it pretty clear, it is not going to happen.

Joey: Well all right then, I guess I shouldn’t get to excited about the fact (excitedly) that I just kissed her!

Monica: You serious?!

Chandler: That’s great!

Monica: Really?!

Phoebe: Yeah well, we’ll see.

Ross: You kissed her.

Joey: Oh we kissed it up real nice.

Chandler: So you kissed her, so what happened after that?

Joey: I came over here to tell you guys.

Chandler: So she’s just waiting over there for ya?

(Joey nods yes, but suddenly realizes what he did and runs out of the apartment and back to his place.)

Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Janine are pretty much making out at one of the tables as Monica and Rachel look on from the couch.]
Janine: I gotta go.
Joey: Okay. (They kiss.)

Janine: I’m gonna be really late for dance class!

Joey: Okay. (They kiss.)

Janine: Okay, now I’m really late. (Gets up.)

Joey: Okay, I’m all right, okay, but hey, could you just leave your lips? (She kisses him on the cheek and starts to leave.)

Janine: (to Monica and Rachel) Bye.

Monica: Bye. (Janine exits.)

Joey: Have you kissed her yet? It’s awesome! I could do it forever! Y’know what? She-she kisses better than my mom cooks!

Monica: I am so glad you said cooks.

Rachel: I know.

Chandler: (entering) Oh hey Rachel, sweetheart? You have got to tell the post office that you have moved. Okay? We are still getting all your bills and stuff. (Hands her all of her bills and stuff.)

Rachel: Oh-oh, Pottery Barn! (Grabs the aforementioned catalog and holds the rest back out to Chandler.) You can throw the rest away.

Chandler: I’m not your garbage man. I’m your mailman.

Rachel: Monica look! Look-look-look! Here is that table that I ordered. (Shows her the picture.)

Monica: You got it from Pottery Barn?!

Rachel: Yeah! It’s an apothecary table. Does anyone even know what an apothecary is?

Chandler: A pharmacist. (Rachel mocks him.)

Monica: Rach, Phoebe hates Pottery Barn.

Joey: I hate Pottery Barn too. They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed!

Chandler: You took off your pants and climbed under the sheets!

Joey: (indignant) I was tired!

Rachel: Phoebe hates Pottery Barn?!

Monica: Yeah, she hates all mass produced stuff. She thinks her furniture should have a history, a story behind it.

Rachel: Well this has story behind it! I mean they had to ship it all the way from the White Plains store.

Monica: It’s gotta be one of a kind. Y’know like umm, y’know uh, what’s that God awful ceramic fruit bowl she has on her counter?

Joey: Hey! I made that for her!

Chandler: You made pottery?

Joey: Yeah! I made it of this fruit bowl I found in the garbage.

Monica: I’m telling—If you put that in her apartment you’ll never hear the end of it.

Rachel: Okay fine! I’ll-I’ll just tell her it’s an antique apothecary table, she doesn’t have to know where it came from. Oh! Look at this little drawers! Oh look-look it says that it holds 300 CDs.

Chandler: Ahh, just like the apothecary tables of yore…

[Scene: The Hallway between the apartments, Joey, Janine, Chandler, and Monica are returning from a double date. Chandler is telling a joke.]
Chandler: …so then the farmer says, "That’s not a cow and you’re not milking it." (Everyone laughs.)
Monica: I am so glad you guys got together, Chandler and I are always looking for a couple to go out with and now we have one!

Chandler: Look at us, we’re a couple of couples!

Janine: I had so much fun tonight, and what a great restaurant.

Monica: Yeah.

Joey: And Chandler I can’t believe I let you pay for this one. (They hug and he whispers in his ear.) Thanks man.

Monica: So do you guys gonna come over tomorrow? I’ll make that pasta thing I was telling you about.

Janine: Oh that would be great!

Joey: Oh, but hey look, at least let us bring the wine.

Monica: Joey, you don’t have too!

Joey: Nope-op! I insist! (He hugs Chandler again and whispers to him.) You get the wine right?

Chandler: Yeah all right. (They part.) Okay, good night guys.

Joey: See ya tomorrow!

Monica: Tomorrow!

Janine: Can’t wait! (They each go into their respective apartments.)

[Cut to Joey and Janine’s.]

Janine: How are we gonna get out of that one?

Joey: What?

Janine: I can’t handle two nights in a row with them.

Joey: What-what’s wrong with Monica and Chandler?

Janine: I don’t know, they’re just a little blah!

Joey: Blah?!

Janine: Well y’know, he’s blah, she’s just—she’s very loud for such a small person.

Joey: Uh, they’re like my best friends. Are you saying we can’t hang out with them? ‘Cause that would kinda be a problem.

Janine: No! Of course we can still hang out with them. Just y’know, not two nights in a row. Okay?

Joey: I guess.

Janine: Thank you. (They kiss.)

Joey: If you want, I’ll sell my friends and use the money to buy you presents.

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is placing CDs into her antique apothecary table as Phoebe returns home.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: (sees the table) Ooh, what a great table! Where-where did you get it?

Rachel: Guess!

Phoebe: Umm, a flea market?

Rachel: Ha! See, I knew, I knew you’d get it on the first guess. Isn’t it cool! It’s an apothecary table.

Phoebe: Wow! Oh you can just imagine that this is where (She’s opening and closing the drawers) they kept all the stuff to make their potions.

Rachel: Ohh, yes.

Phoebe: Y’know? Ooh, you can almost smell the opium.

Rachel: Almost.

Phoebe: How much was it?

Rachel: It was only 500 bucks.

Phoebe: 500 bucks at a flea market?!

Rachel: Oh, okay see I thought, I thought you meant how much was it when it was new, y’know like back then.

Phoebe: Oh no.

Rachel: Yeah no, I mean it was at a flea market, so it was y’know, it was like a dollar.

Phoebe: A dollar?

Rachel: And fifty. So it was like one and fifty dollars.

Phoebe: Ohh, okay, they gave you the old time pricing.

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: Well, what period is it from?

Rachel: Uh, it’s from yore. Like the days of yore. Y’know?

Phoebe: Yes, yes I do. God, oh it’s just perfect! Wow! I bet it has a great story behind it too. Did they tell you anything? Like y’know where it was from or…

Rachel: Yes! That I know, this is from White Plains.

Phoebe: (gasps) White Plains. Oh, it sounds like such a magical place.

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Rachel is entering as Ross comes out of the kitchen carrying popcorn.]
Rachel: Hey! We’re here!
Ross: Hey!

Rachel: (seeing his new table) Ohh! Oh my God!

Ross: You like it?

Rachel: Oh no!

Ross: It’s my new apothecary table!

Rachel: Ross! Phoebe’s gonna be here any second, she cannot see this!

Ross: Well why not?! She’ll-she’ll love it! It’s the real thing! I got it at Pottery Barn.

Rachel: I know you did! I bought the same one! And if she sees your table she’s gonna know that I lied to her. I told her ours was an original.

Ross: Why did you do that?

Rachel: Because she hates Pottery Barn.

Ross: She hates Pottery Barn?!!

Rachel: I know! I know, she says it’s all mass-produced, nothing is authentic, and everyone winds up having the same stuff. (Ross looks at his table.) So come on, she’s gonna be here any second! Can we please just cover this up with something?! Please?

Ross: What? No! No! I am not gonna hide it from Phoebe—Ooh, although I did get some great Pottery Barn sheets! (Gets them.)

Rachel: Ooo! Oh, I forgot they made sheets!

Ross: Uh, yeah! I still can’t believe she hates Pottery Barn!

Rachel: Ross, get over it! It’s not like she hates you.

Ross: Yeah but Pottery Barn! Y’know what I think? It’s just she-she’s weird. Y’know it’s because she’s a twin. Twins are weird.

Rachel: Ross, she’s not weird, she just wants her stuff to be one of a kind.

Ross: Huh. Y’know what’s not one of a kind? A twin!

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Ooh, Phoebe’s here! Okay, let’s turn out all the lights and we’ll just watch the movie!

Phoebe: Okay. Hey—Ooh, cool sheets! (Notices the sheet over the table.)

Ross: Oh, you like it? You wanna know where I got it?

Phoebe: Sure!

Rachel: He got it a flea market!

Phoebe: You bought your sheets at a flea market? Ross come on, you gotta loosen the purse strings a little.

[Scene: Joey and Janine’s, Joey is pacing around as Chandler and Monica enter.]
Monica: Hey!
Joey: Hi!

Monica: The dinner will be ready in twenty minutes. This is so exciting.

Chandler: And here is the bottle of wine for you to bring over tonight. (Hands it to him.) You were also going to buy Monica flowers but you couldn’t afford it, because you paid dinner last night.

Joey: Thanks. Thanks, but uh actually it’s just gonna be me again tonight.

Monica: What happened to Janine?

Joey: Oh, she’s uh-uh really sick.

Chandler: Oh that’s too bad.

Joey: Yeah, she’s been in there all day (Points to her room), uh high fever, a nose problem… Phlegm! Phlegm! Phlegm-phlegm-phlegm!

Janine: (entering from her room) Monica! Chandler! I’m really-really sorry about tonight. I don’t know if Joey told you; I just couldn’t get out of going to this play. I’m sorry. Have a great time.

Joey: ‘Kay!

Janine: Bye. (Exits)

Chandler: That’s funny, I saw no phlegm.

Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Janine’s, continued from earlier.]
Joey: No-no, she really is sick!
Chandler: Then why-why is she going to a play?!

Joey: Uh, y’know, starve a fever, go to a play for a cold.

Monica: Joey! Why is Janine not coming over for dinner?!

Joey: Well uh, she didn’t want to hang out with you guys two nights in a row. I’m so sorry.

Chandler: Well, why does she not want to hang out with us?!

Joey: Because she uh, she-she thinks that you are blah and that you, Monica, are too loud.

Monica: (loudly) What?!! (Quietly) What?

Chandler: So she was just pretending to have a good time last night? She was lying to our faces?!

Monica: Ugh, I can not believe this! I mean, who is she to judge us? We could not have been nicer to her!

Chandler: And I am not blah, I am a hoot!

Joey: I know! I know! Come on, please-please you guys, don’t-don’t be mad. I’m sure she just, she just said that stuff because she was nervous and you guys are like my best friends! Y’know? And it was our first date! Plus, she’s really sick!

Chandler: No, you sh—No you said you made that up!!

Joey: I know, but don’t you think the sick thing is way better than the play thing?

Chandler: Eh, they’re both good. I generally just go with, Monica’s drunk again. (Monica glares at him.)

Joey: Come on you guys, come on please-please just give her another chance, huh? She’ll come around I promise.

Monica: Of course we will, come on we gotta make dinner.

Chandler: Okay.

(They exit and close the door.)

Monica: (from the hallway) I do not like that woman!

Joey: (shouting) I can hear you!

Monica: I am loud!

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are watching a movie.]
All: Aww! (They all laugh.)
Rachel: That’s funny. (Phoebe puts her feet up on Ross’s table.)

Ross: Hey Pheebs, could you please not put your feet up on my new…(On Rachel’s glare)…old sheet?

Phoebe: Oh sure! (She goes to take her feet off, but drags the sheet with her which spills the wine.) Noo!

Rachel: Ohh!!

Ross: My apothecary table!!!

Phoebe: What?!

Rachel: Noooooo!! (Phoebe lifts up the sheet to discover the exact same apothecary table they have.)

Phoebe: Ross, where did you get this?!

Ross: I got it at Pottery Barn!! Okay?!

Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, Pottery Barn has ripped off the design of our antique!

Phoebe: Wow! Oh my God, well if they’ve ripped off our table ours must be much more than one and fifty dollars!

Rachel: Oh yes.

Phoebe: Well this doesn’t even smell like opium.

Ross: Of course not, it smells like wine, which you spilled! And thanks for wrecking my sheet by the way.

Phoebe: Oh Ross, calm down, I’ll give you the 80 cents. (Ross glares at Rachel)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are sitting at the kitchen table.]
Chandler: Okay, one more time.
Monica: Chandler, would you like some more orange juice?

Chandler: Perfect decibel.

Monica: (loudly) I know!!!

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: So uh, what are you guys doing?

Chandler: Oh nothing, we’re just talking. Y’know, blah-blah-blah.

Joey: Look, come on you guys, you said you were gonna try! All right look, I came over here to invite you guys to a movie with me and Janine.

Monica: Well, I’d like to but, (extremely quietly) I’m not sure we have time to go.

Joey: Ha-ha, very funny—Look! I don’t know what to do! I really want you guys to get along. Just please come to the movie with us. I mean you owe me!

Monica: We owe you?!

Joey: That’s right! I helped you guys out a lot in the start of your relationship. Huh? I helped you guys sneak around for like six months, and I looked like an idiot! And I was humiliated. And I only made 200 dollars!

Monica: We didn’t give you any money! (Chandler is motioning, "No!")

Joey: You don’t think I know that!

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is showing Ross around the newly decorated living room.]
Rachel: …see I can’t decide whether it would go better next to the new wicker dining chair, the Sahara desk, or the Parker console table.
Ross: Wow! I didn’t know that there was a Pottery Barn up here.

Rachel: I know, I know. I went a little crazy.

Ross: A little? Your place looks like page 72 of the catalogue. Oh look at that! The ornamental bird cage! Large!

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: (sees Ross) Oh Ross no. Be careful, that is very old! Okay? Early Colonial bird merchants used to bring their birds to market in that.

Ross: (glaring at Rachel) Fascinating.

Phoebe: (gasps) Another amazing find! Wow! Oh I bet this has a great story too!

Rachel: Oh it does, it does! It is a room separating apparatus from Colonial times.

Phoebe: Ah!

Ross: Hmm, a lot of this stuff is from Colonial times. Hey, what are some other time periods Rachel? (She glares at him.)

Rachel: Well there’s yore. And uh, y’know, yesteryear.

Phoebe: Yeah no, I’m telling you Rachel has such a great eye for this stuff. Ross, y’know if you ever decide you need to redecorate—And I think that you should. You should, you should ask Rachel to help.

Rachel: Oh honey he doesn’t need my help.

Phoebe: Oh, come on! I think he’s ready to get rid of, what did you call it? The cheap knock-offs and dinosaur junk.

Ross: Really?! (To Rachel) Hey, y’know what? Since you have such a great sense of what I need, uh ooh, here’s-here’s 60 bucks, why don’t you take Phoebe down to that Colonial flea market of yours and get me some stuff.

Rachel: (not sure of what to do) Y’know what? I don’t, I don’t think Phoebe really wants to come.

Phoebe: No! I do want to!

Rachel: Oh, she does want to.

Ross: She does want to.

Phoebe: Yeah!

[Scene: The Street, Phoebe and Rachel are heading back from that Colonial flea market.]
Rachel: Pheebs, I don’t know what to say. I guess the flea market was just better last time.
Phoebe: Well at least I got these sheets for Ross.

Rachel: Yeah.

(They walk by a Pottery Barn window display.)

Phoebe: Uck, look at this! Pottery Barn, yuck!

Rachel: Yeah, y’know what? Don’t look at it. (Realizes the display is their living room) Seriously, don’t look at it. (Tries to pull Phoebe away.)

Phoebe: No! Look-look! There’s the coffee table they stole from us!

Rachel: Ugh, those bastards! Let’s go.

Phoebe: That fan kinda looks like ours. And the birdcage and the…wait a sec! This is our exact living room!

Rachel: No! No! No! No it’s not! No it’s not! Come on! Phoebe, ours is totally different! I mean we don’t have the… (Looks desperately for something different.) We don’t have the…that lamp! And-and that screen is y’know, on the other side.

Phoebe: Oh my God. This is where you got all our stuff, Pottery Barn! Oh my God!

Rachel: Okay! Okay-okay look—no I did, I just wanted this stuff and I know how you feel about Pottery Barn. Just… Come on don’t be mad.

Phoebe: No-no-no, but I am mad! I am mad! Because this stuff is everything that is wrong with the world! And it’s all sitting up in my living room and all I can think about is how I don’t have that lamp!

Rachel: Well then honey, buy the lamp! Hey, we have that 60 bucks from Ross.

Phoebe: I can’t! I can’t! Unless… Well are you saying that-that you would move out if-if I didn’t buy that lamp?

Rachel: What?! No! I’m not gonna move out!

Phoebe: But are you saying that you would move out if I didn’t buy that lamp?

Rachel: (gets it) Oh. Yes! I would so move out!

Phoebe: Okay then I don’t have a choice! I have to buy that lamp!

Rachel: That’s right!

(They start to go inside.)

Phoebe: But at least the apothecary table is real.

[Scene: The hallway, Joey, Janine, Monica, and Chandler are returning from their second date.]
Joey: Well, this-this-this was great. Didn’t everybody have a great time?
Janine: Well I did. I really did. And you guys, I’ve got to say, I’m sorry if I was a little weird after the last time we went out. I guess I was just nervous or something.

Chandler: That’s totally understandable.

Monica: Don’t worry about it.

Janine: So we can go out again?

Chandler: Oh yeah!

Monica: Absolutely!

Janine: Oh good.

Joey: Oh well then, good night!

Monica: Good night! (They go into their respective apartments.)

[Cut to Joey and Janine’s, they’re entering.]

Joey: See? Eh, wasn’t that fun?

Janine: We have got to move!

Monica: (bursting in) I knew it!! Y’know, you’re not so quiet yourself, missy!

Chandler: And I’m blah? Listen, the only thing more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it, (Imitating her) "Oh Chandler, I just lost myself in the moment."

Janine: Y’know, I know you’re talking, but all I hear is, "Blah. Blah. Blah-blah-blah."

Monica: (steps up and points at her) All right! You and me! Let’s go! Right now!

Joey: All right! All right! Enough! Enough! Enough!! Enough! (To Chandler and Monica) You two go home! I-I-I gotta talk to Janine! (They start to leave.)

Chandler: (To Monica) Y’know I think you can take her.

Monica: (to Janine) You’d better hope I don’t see you in the hallway!! (They exit.)

Joey: All right, uh, we’ve got a little bit of a problem here. These people are my friends; you can’t treat them that way.

Janine: They said stuff to me too, y’know!

Joey: I know! I know! And I’m going to talk to them about it. They mean so much to me. They… They’re like my family. If you guys are gonna be fighting all the time, I-I… I don’t think we can be together. It just, it just can’t work. It can’t. (Starts to break up) I’m very upset.

Janine: Okay. Okay. Would, would it help if I went over and apologized?

Joey: Yeah! Yeah! That would be very helpful! Yeah. (He opens the door for her and she exits into the hallway.)

[Cut to the hallway, Janine is entering as Monica is taking out the garbage.]

Monica: What did I tell you about the hall?!

Janine: I was just coming over here to apologize for my behavior! I’d really like it if we could be friends.

Monica: Well, I know that would make Joey happy, so, I would like that too.

Janine: Great.

Monica: Now come on. (They hug like men.) Well, I’m glad we worked things out.

Janine: Me too.

Monica: Okay.

Janine: I’ll see you.

Monica: Bye. (Leaves to resume her garbage removal task.)

Janine: (muttering to herself) Or I’ll hear you.

Monica: (hearing that) That’s it big girl! (Hits Janine in the butt with the garbage bag) Come on!

Janine: Wait! (Janine pauses, then runs down the stairs.)

Monica: (chasing her) You’d better run!

(Joey and Chandler both come into the hallway.)

Chandler: Did you hear that?

Joey: Yeah uh, what am I gonna do?

Chandler: Yeah, I’m sorry man. (Pause) You wanna go watch?

Joey: Yeah! (They head downstairs.)

Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Chandler, and Monica are there as Joey enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Joey: How ya doin’?

Chandler: Hey so, did uh, did she move out?

Joey: Pretty much, yeah.

Monica: I cannot believe you broke up with her just like that.

Joey: Well, when it’s not right, you know it.

Chandler: You okay?

Joey: Yeah! Yeah. I’ll be all right.

Ross: Y’know what would cheer you up?

Joey: What?

Ross: I’m giving this lecture on erosion theories tomorrow night, I think you should come.

Joey: (laughing hysterically) You’re right! That did cheer me up!

Chandler: Let me ask you, why is everybody using these tiny lights nowadays? I remember when people used to use big lights.

Rachel: That’s a good story, Grandpa.

(Ross enters)

Ross: Hey

All: Hey

Ross: Wow, Monica’s letting other people help decorate her tree! Did someone get her drunk again or?

Monica: Having a perfectly decorated tree is not what Christmas is about. It’s about being with the people that you love.

Phoebe: That is nice and we’re done. TADA!

(Her side of the tree looks a complete mess)

Chandler: I dunno what it is, it just doesn’t quite feel like Christmas to me.

Monica: Oh, here.

(She turns the tree around so that her side, which is perfectly decorated, is showing)

Chandler: See now it feels like Christmas!

Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Joey are there.]
Ross: … and that’s the story of the dreidle. Now, some people trace the Christmas tree back to the Egyptians, who used to bring green palm branches into their huts on the shortest day of the year, symbolising life’s triumph over death. And that was like 4000 years ago.
Rachel: So, pretty much around the same time that you started telling this story.

(Joey enters)

Joey: Hey you guys.

Chandler: Hey Joe what’s up?

Joey: I had to get out of the apartment. Janine is like stretching all over the place. Y’know, everywhere I look she’s like… (He imitates her stretching)

Chandler: I can see why that’s hard to resist.

Joey: I like her so much!

Monica: Aw, I’m sorry sweetie that she doesn’t feel the same way.

Joey: I know. And she’s so sweet. I just wanna feed her grapes and brush her hair.

Chandler: You are aware that she’s not a monkey, right?

Ross: I am so over Janine. I mean, yeah, at first I thought she was hot, but now she’s like OLD NEWS!

(Janine enters)

Janine: Hey guys!

Ross: Hi Janine!

Janine: I just got a call to be a dancer on a television special for New Year’s Eve. It’s called some sort of Dick’n Rock’n Dickie Eve.

Monica: Hold it! Are you talking about Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rocking Eve?

Janine: Yeah, that’s what I said.

Monica: Oh my God! We love that show! I mean Ross and I have been watching it since I can remember!

Chandler: Ah, you’re still just a little fat girl inside aren’t you? (He kisses her on the cheek)

Janine: Well I’m gonna be on it this year. I’m gonna be one of the party people.

Ross: You’re gonna be a party person! Those guys rock the most!

Janine: Well they said I should bring someone. (To Joey) Do you wanna be my dance partner?

Joey: Totally! I would love to spend New Year’s with you.

Janine: Well actually they’re taping tomorrow. I don’t really understand why.

Ross: Oh, well you see how it works is, the part with Dick Clark in Times Square is actually live, but they tape some of the party stuff ahead of time. Yeah, not a lot of people know that.

Janine: Yeah well, do you guys wanna come too?

Ross: Are you serious?

Monica: We are there!

(Rachel laughs)

Chandler: What, what are you laughing at?

Rachel: Well, I used to date him, but you’re still going out with her!

(Gunther brings Janine a coffee)

Janine: Thanks. (To Monica and Ross) Great so we can all go together! I gotta run. Catch you later!

(Janine leaves)

All: Bye!

Ross: Bye Janine!

Joey: Did she just ask me out on a date?

Chandler: I don’t think so.

Monica: What are you talking about? She just invited him to the biggest party of the millennium!

Rachel: Yeah, but she also invited you and Ross. Yeah, honey, I’m sorry, but I don’t think that was a romantic thing.

Joey: Oh. Maybe. But hey I know how I can find out. We’re going to a New Year’s Eve party, right? So at midnight, I can kiss her. And if she kisses me back, great! Y’know? But if she says ‘Dude, what the hell are you doing?’ I can say ‘It wasn’t me, it was New Years!’

Rachel: Well, that’s a lot better than Ross trying to kiss me in High School, and saying that he did it because he needed chapstick.

Ross: It was a dry day.

Monica: We are going to Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rocking Eve!

Ross: Oh my God!

Monica: Oh my God!

Chandler: (To Rachel) Oh my God!

[Scene: The Set, Joey, Janine, Ross and Monica are walking in.]
Joey: OK, listen I’ve been on sets before, so let me give you a little advice, alright? It’s a show, but we’re just dancing, OK? It’s no big deal. The important thing to remember – stay cool.
Ross: Got it!

(They get to the main stage)

Ross: Oh my God it’s just like I dreamed it!

Director: OK, everyone gather up.

(Monica and Ross push to the front)

Monica and Ross: ‘Scuse us

Director: Here’s what’s gonna happen. The music’s gonna start, you’re gonna dance, we’re gonna tape, you don’t look at the camera. Any questions?

Ross: Yeah, I have a question. When is this gonna air?

(He and Monica laugh)

Director: Uh, yeah. Now you guys dance over there, you guys over there, and I want you two right around here, and everyone else spread out.

Joey: Ross! So when is it gonna air?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment, Chandler is there. Phoebe and Rachel enter.]
Rachel: Okay, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back closet.
Chandler: I can save you time ladies, I’m right here.

Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler why don’t you take a walk? This doesn’t concern you.

Rachel: We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica.

Chandler: What? That’s terrible!

Phoebe: No-no, we do it every year!

Chandler: Oh well, that makes it not terrible.

Phoebe: No, yeah, we never find them! She’s always best at us that wily minx.

Rachel: Don’t worry, we’re just gonna search here for an hour, them we’re gonna go over to Joey’s and search, OK?

Chandler: No not okay, you can’t look for Monica’s presents!

Phoebe: But we have to!

Chandler: No, you don’t have to, and you can’t because I live here too.

Phoebe: Well then, you should look with us.

Chandler: Why?

Rachel: Chandler, aren’t you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas?

Chandler: No, I have a great idea for a present for her.

Phoebe: Oh, that’s it? (Mimics Chandler) A great idea!

Rachel: Chandler, that’s not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And you’ve just gotten her one great present? I mean that’s just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why?

Chandler: If I help, we can find ‘em faster!

Rachel: That’s right!

(Phoebe looks under the couch)

Phoebe: Ooh ooh, we have a live one!

Rachel: Oh, it’s a Macy’s bag!

(Phoebe tips it upside down, and a shoe falls out)

Phoebe: Ooh, who’s it for?

Rachel: (Reading) Dear losers, do you really think I’d hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they’d break you.

Phoebe: Uh-oh. She may be onto us.

Rachel: We are so gonna find them this year.

Chandler: Y’know when you guys said you were gonna go across the hall and look, you don’t, you don’t do that every year do you?

Rachel: Yeah.

Chandler: You don’t, like go into the back of my closet, and look under my gym bag or anything?

Phoebe and Rachel: No, we never do that

(They turn away.)

Chandler: Because that’s where Joey gave me some stuff to store that I’ve never seen before in my life! Okay, that did not just happen! (He does a weird clicky motion with his fingers, that kinda hard to describe.)

[Scene: The Set, everyone is dancing.]
Monica: Okay, here comes another camera.
Ross: Right. No biggie. Stay loose.

(As the camera passes by, they start to dance really rigid, but the camera is facing the other way.)

Ross: Why do they keep doing that?

Monica: If we wanna get on camera, I think we have to get up on one of those platforms. They’ve been taping those people up there all day.

Ross: Right.

(They move towards a platform, dancing really strangely as they go)

Ross: Hey, what’d you guys do to get up on there?

Girl: We learned how to dance.

Monica: Oh yeah? Well when you learned how to dance did you forget how to put on underpants?

Ross: Yeah!

(Camera pans to Joey and Janine)

Janine: Hey! You’re a good dancer!

Joey: Really?

Janine: Yeah, well you’d be better if you just loosened your hips a little.

Joey: What do you mean?

Janine: Like this.

(She pulls Joey towards her and dances really close to him.)

Janine: That’s it, feel the rhythm. That’s better.

Joey: Uh-huh.

Director: (To Joey) Okay, you’re dancing with that girl over there.

Joey: No-no-no-no-no we came together!

Director: I don’t see it. (To Janine) You are dancing with the tall guy over there. Tall guy, raise your hand! (He does. Janine goes over to him.)

Joey: No-no hey buddy, please let me dance with that girl, I really like her and I think I have a shot.

Director: Really, y’think so? I don’t..

(He leaves, and this girl grabs Joey and starts dancing really wild.)

Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are there and Chandler enters.]
Chandler: I couldn't find anything at Joey--Hey-hey, oh hey!
Rachel: Yeah, we found them. There were in the guest room closet behind some coats.

Phoebe: Yeah, and you have nothing to worry about 'cos they're all crap!

Chandler: Those are my gifts, I got them for you.

Phoebe: Ohhh. Thanks Chandler they're great!

Rachel: Well Chandler, what is this very weird, metal A Z thing?

Chandler: Those are book ends! That's a great gift!

Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm sorry, thank you for my azzz.

Rachel: Ha!

Chandler: Make sure you put all that stuff back in the closet, okay?

Rachel: Yes, okay, oh, by the way, I just gotta say, I think it's really nice of you that even after you've moved, you still keep storing that stuff for Joey!

(Chandler does the weird clicky thing again.)

[Scene: The Set, the girl is still dancing with Joey.]
Joey: Hey-hey dancer girl! Can I go to the bathroom? I just.. (The girl starts dancing really close to him, so he picks her up, twirls her round, and puts her against a platform) Here we go. (He walks away to find Monica and Ross doing a really out of place dance) Looking good Gellers!
Ross: We know!

Monica: Hey, see that snippy guy over there? He’s the one who decides who gets up on the platform. We should go dance by him.

Ross: Okay.

(They dance over to him.)

Director: Okay, everybody hold!

(Ross and Monica high-five)

Director: Next on the platforms are… (He points to the right of Ross and Monica, so they dance over to where he’s pointing to. He points away from them) …you two! And… (He points the other way, and Ross and Monica follow his arm. Again he points away.) …You two!

Monica: Excuse me, sir, would it help if I weren’t wearing underpants?

Ross: Monica! (Pause) Would it?

(The director shakes his head.)

[Scene: The Men’s Bathroom, the tall guy is there as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey! Tall guy! Hey, listen, I wanted to talk to you about that girl that you’re dancing with.
Tall Guy: She’s nice, huh? To think I almost brought my wife to this!

Joey: Yeah, yeah, okay. Uh, look buddy, I came with that girl, and I had this plan to kiss her at the new years countdown – I’m trying to win her over, so I was wondering if..

Tall Guy: No I don’t think so.

Joey: Oh come on man, you can dance with my partner, she’s real, uh, mellow!

Tall Guy: Look, are you dating this girl you came with?

Joey: Well, I was hoping after tonight that maybe I could you know…

Tall Guy: No, no. She’s fair game if you ask me, sorry buddy!

Joey: Alright, alright, hey y’know fair is fair, (he pretends to wash his hands) if you’re right, you’re right, what can I say, but hey oh no! (He throws water on the guy’s pants)

Tall Guy: God! What are you, in second grade?

Joey: Hey, now you’re the one who wet his pants. (He throws another handful on him and runs out)

[Scene: The Set, Monica and Ross are dancing.]
Monica: Man, this sucks! Y’know if Mom and Dad don’t see us on TV after we made them so jealous, I mean, who’s gonna be the losers then?
Ross: Hey, I know what’ll get us up on a platform!

Monica: What?

Ross: The routine!

Monica: Ross, we haven’t done the routine since middle school.

Ross: Hey, when the snippy guy sees the routine, he’ll wanna build us our own platform!

Monica: Was it really that good?

Ross: We got honourable mention in the brother/sister dance category! Look, it’s almost fake midnight, do we really have any other choice?

Monica: Okay, let’s do it. Mom and Dad are gonna be so faced!

(They move into a space, and Ross points to his eyes and then to hers)

Monica: 5 6 7 8!

(They start the routine. However hard I try, I really cannot describe it. You will have to watch it. I’m sorry.)

(When they finish, they walk over to the director)

Ross: So, do we really have to ask who’s going up on the platform next?

Director: Oh no! You get up there and do that again exactly like that!

Monica: Yes! (They run over to a platform)

Director: (To Cameraman) Make sure you get this, they’re gonna want it for the bloopers show. (To everyone) Alright cut! Listen up everyone, when we start again it’s gonna be the countdown to new years, so I wanna see everybody’s excitement.

[Cut to Joey and Janine]

Tall Guy: Hey, pal, you have about three seconds to get away from my partner.

Director: What’s going on over here?

Joey: Uh, take a look at the guy’s pants! I mean, I know you told us to show excitement, but don’t you think he went a little overboard?

Director: What’s the matter with you? Get out of here!

Joey: Yeah, take a hike wetpants!

(The director pushes the Tall Guy away)

[Cut to Ross and Monica, who are finally on a platform!]

Ross: Can you believe this? We’re gonna be on the platform for the Millennium moment!

Monica: I know! Hey, you haven’t been practising the routine, have you?

Ross: No!

Monica: Me too!

Ross: Hey, when the music starts up again, I was thinking of maybe goind into the robot, y’know? (He mimics a robot)

Monica: Ross, I think we should stick to the routine, we don’t wanna look stupid!

Director: Alright we’re back! Ten seconds left here we go! Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! (He continues to count as we hear Joey think)

Joey’s Head: Okay, it all comes down to this. Whatever happens, happens. Destiny.

All: Three, Two, One!

Director: Cut!

Joey: No! Year! Happy No Year!

Director: Okay, here’s where we go to the live shot of Times Square, nice work everyone that’s a wrap!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment, Chandler and Rachel are there, and Phoebe enters with the Chick and the Duck.]
Phoebe: Hey! Look who I found!
Chandler: Oh, hey guys!

Phoebe: Y’know, birds have a very good sense of direction, and I thought maybe they could help us find where the presents are hidden.

Chandler: Yes, if the presents are hidden south for the winter.

Phoebe: Or we could just follow your clever jokes – any ideas? No! Didn’t think so! Okay, c’mon guys, show us where the presents are!

Chandler: Oh, the duck seems to think that Monica got me garbage! Hmm, I wonder what I could get Monica that’s as good as garbage?

Phoebe: Hmm, how about my azzz?

(Rachel sits on the window seat, and knocks against it)

Rachel: Hey, this is hollow.

Phoebe: What?

Rachel: This bench, it’s hollow! I can’t believe I never knew that! (She pushes all the pillows off it and opens it up) Oh, the presents!!!

Phoebe: No, don’t look directly at them!

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: Alright, no, we could look at them!

Rachel: Oh, this one’s for me!

Phoebe: Oh, this one’s for Chandler. Here.

Chandler: Oh great!

Phoebe: And the big one’s for me!

Rachel: Ooh, let’s open them!

Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay!

Phoebe: Hee hee!

Chandler: Wait, we can’t do this.

Phoebe and Rachel: Why?

Chandler: I don’t wanna know what Monica got me. Y’know? I mean, look, I’m sure she worked really hard at getting you a present, and wanting to surprise me, and you guys are gonna ruin that, and I, look we have to put these back, this is not what Christmas is about.

Rachel: Whatever Linus, I’m opening mine.

Chandler: Nobody is opening anything ok? Look, I don’t know about you guys, but I wanna see the look on Monica’s face when I give her my present, and I’m sure she wants to see the look on my face when I get mine. So please, please, can we just, can we put them back?

Phoebe: Will you get us better gifts?

Chandler: Fine!

(Monica enters, and they throw the gifts behind them.)

Monica: Hey guys! You found the presents? Chandler, you let them find the presents? Great! Do you know how long it took me to find you that water purifier?

Chandler: That’s what you got me?

Phoebe: Oh yes, I see what you mean. That look is priceless.

(Rachel leans over to look at him.)

[Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, they both enter.]
Joey: Home sweet home, huh? Nice to, uh, get back to reality. Plus we know how the New Year’s gonna go off. I guess there’s no reason for all that Y2K panic, y’know? Anyway, g’night!
Janine: Joey.

Joey: Yeah?

Janine: (She takes his hands) 3, 2, 1. (She kisses him) Happy New Year.

Joey: Oh, yoii. What was that for?

Janine: Well, I don’t know tonight when they yelled cut and we didn’t get to kiss, I was really, really, disappointed, and I just, really wanted to kiss you

Joey: Really? In the moment, I really wanted to kiss you too. In the moment.

Janine: In the moment, yeah.

Joey: But only in the moment. So do ya wanna kiss again?

Janine: Sure, New Year’s Eve is only two weeks away. Can you wait?

Joey: No.

Janine: Me neither.

Joey: 3, 2,

Janine: Joey, you don’t have to count down every time we kiss.

Joey: Uh, yeah, okay. Except I sorta felt like I needed a couple of seconds to get ready.

(They kiss to the music of Auld Lang Syne)

Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, everyone except Joey is there.]
Monica: We were on the platform, ready to dance the world into the new Millennium, and the guy yelled ‘CUT!’
Rachel: Uh, wait, so you guys are telling me you actually did the routine from eighth grade?

Monica: Yeah. But of course we had to update it a little bit. (To Ross) Hey, by the way, great thinking about catching me!

Rachel: ‘Cos I was gonna say there’s no way you could’ve done the end the way you guys did it back then!

Monica: What? We could do it!

Ross: I don’t know, I mean you were a lot bigger, I mean, stronger back then.

Monica: I can do it, okay? Come on, let’s go. (She and Ross get up)

Monica and Ross: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 (Ross runs to be caught by Monica, but she moves out of the way)

Monica: I can’t do it! (Ross falls into Monica’s room)

Chandler: Now you do that, you’re on TV.

Monica: (on phone) Okay, great! Bye. (Hangs up as Chandler enters.) So guess who’s coming to Thanksgiving dinner?

Chandler: Sidney Poitier? Hehheh.

[Chandler throws his coat on the couch]

Monica: (not amused by Chandler’s joke) I miss Rachel. (To Chandler) No, my parents.

Chandler: Oh! That’s great, they haven’t seen the place since I moved in!

[Monica goes to fiddle with something on the table.]

Monica: Yeah, and y’know, if you could not mention to them that we live together, that would be great! (Quickly trying to change subjects), I was thinking we would eat around four.

[Monica goes to the stove.]

Chandler: (shocked at the news) Why can’t I tell them that we live together?

Monica: Because they don’t know we’re dating. (Again, trying to quickly change subjects.) Do you think we should eat in the kitchen? (Goes to the sink and the stove to cook.)

Chandler: Why haven’t you told them?!

Monica: Um, well, I was going to, I-I-I really was. But um, then somewhere, just out of nowhere, I didn’t.

Chandler: Why haven’t you told them?! Wouldn’t they be happy?!

Monica: (trying to change subjects, excitedly) So! Dinner in the kitchen around four! I’ll see you then. (Pats Chandler on the shoulder and goes into the living room.)

Chandler: Why wouldn’t they be happy?

Monica: Well, um, because mainly, um, they don’t like you. I’m sorry.

Chandler: What? What? Why?!

Monica: Maybe because you used to be aloof, or that you’re really sarcastic, or that, y’know, you joke around all the time. Or that you take off your clothes and throw them on the couch.

Chandler: Is this why they don’t like me or why you don’t like me?

Monica: Look, I know that I should’ve told them. I know I shouldn’t care what they think. I’m sorry.

Chandler: Y’know, it’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. Because when they come over, I will be all charming, I will make them fall in love with me, and then we’ll tell ‘em.

Monica: You really think that’ll work?

Chandler: Hey, I can be pretty charming, babe, I won YOU over, didn’t I?

Monica: (hugging Chandler) I don’t think you’ll ever get my parents that drunk!

Opening Credits
[Scene: Joey and Janine’s, Joey and Ross are playing Sony Playstation. Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey! (Sees Ross is there) Oh, good, Ross! You’re parents like me, right?
[Chandler goes to stand to the side of the TV.]

Ross: (only half-paying attention) Yes, of course they like you!

Chandler: Well Monica just told me that they don’t.

Ross: (not paying attention) Yeah, they don’t like you.

Chandler: (annoyed) Do you know why?

Ross: I dunno, maybe it’s because you’re really sarcastic. Or maybe it’s cause you uh-

Chandler: (angry) Well if people don’t know they shouldn’t just guess!

[Joey and Ross get annoyed with Chandler's outburst.]

Chandler: This is great, another Thanksgiving with nothing to give thanks for.

Joey: Maybe I could give thanks for you shuttin’ up, eh?

Chandler: Maybe I could give thanks by taking my Playstation over to my new apartment.

Joey: Well maybe I love ya’.

Chandler: [mocks that last comment].

[Chandler starts to leave as Janine enters]

Janine [to Chandler]: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

[Chandler exits]

Janine: Hey guys!

[Joey and Ross drop their video game controllers.]

Ross: (trying to act manly in front of Janine) No I don’t want to play video games, Joey!

Janine: Are you guys going to Chandler’s for Thanksgiving?

Joey: Yeah! Yeah, why? What’s up?

Janine: Well, me and my dancer friends are thinking of doing Thanksgiving uptown. I thought you guys might like to come.

Ross: For real?

Janine: No, but you should go to Chandler’s. Because none of us knows how to cook, we’ll probably just end up drinking all day.

Joey: Ye-ye, we go to yours!

Ross: Yeah, see, we-we-we have to stop across the hall, because it’s my sister. But, uh, uh y’know actually, growing up with a sister was nice because it really helped me understand women. Yeah, you-you should tell your friends that.

Janine: (not sure of what to make of that) Okay.

[Janine leaves]

[Ross looks at Joey coyly.]

Joey: How you got three women to marry you, I’ll never know.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Phoebe enters with a paper turkey.]
Phoebe: Hey!
All: Hey!

Rachel: Hey! Hey, Pheebs, check it out. Yeah, for my desert, I have chosen to make a traditional English trifle!

Phoebe: Wow, that sounds great! And what are you making Monica, in case Rachel’s dessert is...[about to say “bad”] so good that I eat all of it. There’s none left for anybody else!

[Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel laugh]

Monica: Nothing.

Rachel: (worried) Nothing?

Monica: No, sweetie, I-I trust you.

Rachel: So, if-if I mess this up, there’s nothing else for dessert?

Monica: You’re not gonna mess it up.

Rachel: Wow, Monica, I love that, you really have faith in me. Thank you. Technical question, how do you know when uh, the butter’s done?

Monica: Well, it’s done about two minutes before it looks like that.

[Joey and Ross enter.]

Joey and Ross: Hey!

All: Hey!

Joey: Oh, ooh the food smells great, Mon!

Ross: And the place looks so nice!

Joey: Yeah, hey hey, Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Ross: Happy Thanksgiving!

The Girls: Happy Thanksgiving!

Joey: Well, this has been great!

Ross: See ya!

[Joey and Ross go to the door, ready to leave.]

Monica: Whoa whoa whoa! Where’re you goin’?

Ross: Oh, oh, we did say we’d stop by this little thing Joey’s roommate is having.

Monica: Oh, Janine, the really hot dancer girl?

Ross: Some would say she’s attractive, yes.

Phoebe: And who else is going to be there?

Joey: Uh, some of her friends, yeah.

Rachel: Her dancer friends?

Joey: (frustrated) Yes, all right? All of her hot dancer friends are gonna be there and they’re gonna be, be drinkin’ and dancin, and we really wanna go!

Ross: (to Joey) Dude, we were good!

Monica: You’re not gonna go anywhere, you said you were gonna eat here, and you’re gonna eat here!

Phoebe: Yeah, and-and leaving us to go see hot dancer girls is not very Thanksgivingy.

Ross: Oh, but-but it is, uh, it’s just like the first Thanksgiving, when the Indians and the Pilgrims uh, sat down to dinner.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, and the Indians taught the Pilgrims what it meant to be hot in the new world!

[Enter Jack and Judy Geller]

Mrs. Geller: Hello everybody!

Mr. Geller: Hi!

All: Hi!

[Kisses and hugs are exchanged.]

Monica: Dad [kisses Jack], Mom [kisses Judy]. Look! Look who it is it’s Chandler!

Mrs. Geller: (less than pleased) Oh yes of course, hello Chandler.

Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Geller, you look wonderful, it is great to have you hear, let us take off your coats!

[Chandler goes to take off Jack’s coat. He then notices little white flakes on Jack’s shoulders. He begins to wipe them off.]

Chandler: Whoa, snowing out there?

Mr. Geller: (angry) No.

[Time lapse. The gang is sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is at the head of the table, Mr and Mrs Geller are to his right. Joey and Ross are to his left. Monica is serving things. Phoebe is in the living room and Rachel is at the sink.]

Mr. Geller: Monica, all this food looks wonderful, you should think about doing this for a living.

[Chandler, trying to make nice with Jack, laughs at his joke and points at Jack.]

Mr. Geller: Ok, I have dandruff. There’s no need to laugh and point.

[Monica rushes over to Chandler’s side.]

Monica: Dad, Chandler was just laughing at your joke.

Mr. Geller: My joke wasn’t funny.

[Phoebe walks from the living room to the kitchen and talks quietly to Rachel.]

Phoebe: Rach, Rach, I just remembered. I had a dream about Mr. Geller last night.

Rachel: Really?!

Phoebe: Yeah, I dreamt that he saved me from a burning building and he was so brave and so strong! And it’s making me look at him totally differently. Y’know, I mean he used to be just, y’know “Jack Geller Monica and Ross’s dad” and now he’s he’s “Jack Geller, dream hunk."

[We see a shot of Jack stuffing his face with food. Some dream hunk!]

Rachel: I dunno. Y’know to me he’ll always be “Jack Geller, walks in while you’re changing.”

[Time lapse. Ross and Joey are cleaning the table while Judy and Phoebe talk by the window. Jack and Chandler are sitting on the couch while Monica sits on the coffee table.]

Monica: Y’know dad, Chandler is one of Ross’s very best friends!

Chandler: Yeah, Ross sure is a great guy, y’know I’ve always felt that how a young man turns out is a reflection on his father.

Mr. Geller: I always thought that too. Tell me, what does your father do?

[Chandler and Monica exchange worried looks.]

Chandler: (worried) He’s the headliner of a gay burlesque show.

[Rachel is in the kitchen fiddling with her English trifle. Joey and Ross, anxious to leave and go to Janine’s party, are egging her on to hurry up.]

Joey: Rach, you’re killin’ us here, will ya serve the dessert already? Those drunken dancers are waiting!

Rachel: (looking at her trifle) Look at it, isn’t it beautiful?

Ross: Yeah, yeah, what is it?

Rachel: It’s a trifle. It’s got all of these layers. First there’s a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch, [Joey and Ross make impressed faces] then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sauteed with peas and onions, [Joey and Ross look like something’s wrong.] then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top!

[Joey and Ross make confused faces.]

Ross: W-What was the one right before bananas?

Rachel: The beef? Yeah, that was weird to me, too. But then, y’know, I thought “well, there’s mincemeat pie,” I mean that’s an English dessert, these people just put very strange things in their food, y’know. [To Joey] Oh! by the way, can I borrow some Rum from your place?

Joey: Y-sure!

Rachel: (teasingly) And while I’m gone don’t you boys sneak a taste.

Joey and Ross: (faking dissapointment) Okay.

[Rachel leaves]

Ross: Beef in a dessert?! I- no no no, there is no way!

[Ross goes to look in the magazine Rachel got her recipe from.]

Joey: I know, and only one layer of jam?! What is up with that?

[Ross looks up as if saying that Joey was weird. He begins flipping through the pages, only to find that they are sticky. So one page is overlapping another, making two recipes look like one.]

Ross: Oh my God, the pages are stuck together!

Joey: (turning to Chandler in a scolding tone) Chandler!

Ross: Oh My God, she-she made half a English Trifle, and half a...Sheperd’s Pie!

Joey: (sad) Oh man! Now she’s gonna start all over! We’re never gonna get to introduce the hot girls to the new world!

Ross: No, no, we will. We just won’t tell her she messed up.

Joey: Just let her serve the beef-custard thing?

Ross: Yeah, it’ll be like a funny Thanksgiving story!

Joey: (shrugging his shoulders to go along with it) Vomiting stories are funny...

[Rachel enters]

Rachel: Joey, God, your apartment is like a hundred degrees!

Joey: Did-did it make you wanna walk around in your underwear?

Rachel: No!

Joey: (frustrated) Still not hot enough!

[Joey leaves]

[Phoebe walks over to talk to Rachel.]

Phoebe: Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah?

Phoebe: Okay, look at him. Look at those strong hands. Oh what I wouldn’t give to be that can of (looks closer to see what Jack is drinking) condensed milk.

[We see a shot of Jack drinking condensed milk on the couch.]

[Ross and Judy enter the living room. Judy and Ross sit down on the couch beside Jack. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the coffee table.]

Monica: Mom, uh, Chandler was just saying how beautiful your sweater is.

Mrs. Geller: Oh, thank you Chandler! I just bought it.

Chandler: Oh, yes. Well it’s very beautiful. It’s cream-colored and tight [Realizes what he just said and looks worried. Monica and Ross also looked shocked. Judy and Jack give Chandler a very dirty look.] I don’t mean tight, I mean it’s not too tight, not that I was looking at-[giving up all hope, he puts his head into his hands.]

Mr. Geller: What’s the matter with him?

Mrs. Geller: (whispers to Jack a little loudly) I think he’s stoned again.

Chandler: (shocked) What?

Monica: (shocked) What?

Ross: (worried) Dude, I need to talk to you a sec.

[Ross and Chandler get up and go into Rachel’s old room.]

[Scene: Rachel’s old room. It’s pretty much empty except for a few boxes against the walls. Ross and Chandler enter.]
Ross: Okay, I think I might know why my parents don’t like you.
Chandler: You do? Why?

Ross: Okay, remember, we were young. Hey, Spring break, sophomore year, I got high in my bedroom and my parents walked in and smelled it and so I told them that you had gotten stoned and jumped out the window.

Chandler: What?! Why did you do that?

Ross: I don’t know, aheh, your’s was the first name that-that popped into my head, I’m I’m sorry. I-I didn’t think it would matter.

Chandler: How could it not matter?!

Ross: How was I supposed to know we’d end up being friends after college, let alone you-you would be living with my sister?

Chandler: What about all that “friends forever” stuff?

Ross: I don’t know, I-I was all high.

Commercial Break
[Scene: Rachel’s Old Bedroom, Continued from earlier. Monica enters the room.]
Monica: Mom and dad just sent me in here to find out if you (points to Chandler) were trying to get Ross stoned!
Chandler: Your parents caught Ross smoking pot in college and he blamed it on me!

Monica: Ross, I can’t believe you’d do that!

Chandler: The reason we haven’t told them we’re together is because they hate me, okay? So will you fix this?

Ross: Okay, okay, I’ll tell ‘em it wasn’t Chandler who got high. Now who should I say it was?

Monica: You! It’s not like it’s a big deal! You-you don’t still do it or anything!

Ross: Alright, alright, now-now who should I say tricked me into doing it?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Time lapse. Jack is still on the couch, picking his teeth with his feet on the table. Phoebe and Judy are sitting on the table looking at him. Ross and Chandler are sitting by the window talking. Rachel and Joey are in the kitchen fooling with Rachel’s trifle. Monica walks into the living room from the kitchen.]
Monica: Dad, please don’t pick your teeth out here! Alright, and if you’re gonna put your feet up, why don’t you sit on the-
Phoebe: Monica, leave him alone!

[Monica gives Phoebe a surprised expression and goes over to Ross and Chandler.]

Joey: (to Rachel) Will you hurry up? Did you not hear me before when I told you that all of Janine’s friends are dancers?! And that they’re going to be drinking alot!?

Rachel: (sarcastically) No, I did, but tell me again, because it’s so romantic.

Joey: Well you’re whippin’ so slow! Can’t you do it any faster?

Rachel: Joey! Come on! I don’t wanna make any mistakes, alright? This is the only dessert and if I screw it up everybody's gonna be like “Oh, remember that Thanksgiving when Rachel screwed up the trifle?”

[Joey gives her an understanding look.]

Rachel: So why don’t you just let me worry about making the trifle and you just worry about eating it, alright?

Joey: Oh I am!

[Chandler and Monica are by the window pressuring Ross to tell his parents the truth.]

Monica: Ross, if you don’t tell them, then I will!

Ross: Okay, fine!

[Ross gets up to go tell his parents.]

[Joey rushes over.]

Joey: Ross! Can I talk to you for a second?

Ross: Oh, uh, can it wait a second Joey? I have to tell my parents something. No it can’t? Okay.

[Monica and Chandler make “What was that?” gestures. Joey and Ross go into Rachel’s old room.]

[Scene: Rachel’s old room, Ross and Joey enter.]
Joey: Okay, look, I think we have to tell Rachel she messed up her dessert.
Ross: What?! What is with everybody? It’s Thanksgiving, not...Truth-Day!

Joey: Look, when everyone eats that...that...Banana-Meat thing, they’re all gonna’ make fun of her, do you want that?

Ross: Okay, okay, we’ll just get everyone to act like they like it. That-that way noone makes fun of her and we still get to go to Sweet Potatoe Pie! (Referring to the dancers.)

Joey: (scolding) Dude, they’re not objects.

[Ross makes a sorry face.]

Joey: Just kiddin,’ I’ll talk to them, you distract Rach.

[Joey and Ross go back out into the main area.]

Ross: Hey Rach, can I talk to you outside for a second?

Rachel: Okay...

[The hallway. Rachel and Ross go out and they just stand there for a few seconds.]

Rachel: What’s up, Ross?

Ross: So um...Thanksgiving. The holiday season is upon us, hm?

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: And um...You look nice today.

Rachel: Oh no. No Ross, don’t do this.

Ross: What?

Rachel: I just- I don’t think us getting back together is a good idea.

Ross: (shocked) Eh?

Rachel: I thought this might happen today. Ross, I know the holidays can be rough. Y’know? And it’s probably really hard for you to be alone right now.

Ross: (cutting her off) You’re alone.

Rachel: No, I-I live with Phoebe. I mean you’re [pity-tone] alone, alone. And I just-it’s just not the time for us. I’m sorry.

Ross: (just trying to get out of the conversation) Ah well, can’t blame a guy for trying!

[Inside Monica and Chandler’s. Joey is almost done explaining the situation to everyone.]

Joey: Oh and (Ross begins to open the door and Joey says some gibberish word to indicate to Ross that he’s not done yet. Ross closes the door again.) Okay, and uh if anyone needs help pretending to like it, I learned something in acting class, try uh, rubbing your stomach (Rubs his stomach) or uh, or saying “mmm” and uh, oh oh! And smiling (Smiles while pretending to stir a bowl), okay?

Chandler: Yeah, I’m not gonna pay for those acting classes anymore.

[Ross and Rachel re-enter.]

Joey: Rachel, there you are! Come on, let’s serve that dessert already!

Rachel: Joey, you’re gonna have to stop rushing me, you know what? You don’t get any dessert.

Joey: (happily) Really?

Rachel: No, I’m just kidding I would never do that to you! Okay, everybody, it’s trifle time!

Phoebe: So, now, Rach, this is a traditional English trifle, isn’t it?

Rachel: It sure is.

Phoebe: Wow. So then did you make it with beef or Eggplant?

Rachel: Beef.

Phoebe: I can’t have any. You know I don’t eat meat. (Faking dissapointment.) Ohhh no.

[Phoebe gets up and goes into Rachel’s old room, a smile on her face.]

Rachel: Alright, Monica, I want you to have the first taste.

Monica: Really?

[Rachel hands Monica a plate. Monica takes a spoonful of the whipped cream portion.]

Rachel: Oh oh oh, wait! You only got whipped cream in there! Ya gotta take a bite with all the layers!

Monica: Okay.

[Monica takes a bigger spoonful and a pea falls off]

Rachel: Op! Wait, you dropped a pea.

[Monica puts the pea on top of the spoonful and takes a bite.]

Rachel: Well?

Monica: (faking joy. Rubbing her stomach and smiling at the same time, like Joey said) Mmmm! It’s good!

Rachel: Really? How good?

Monica: It’s so good, that I feel really selfish about being the only one who’s eating it, that I think we should have everyone taste how good it is. Especially Ross.

[Ross glares at Monica.]

[Everyone takes a bite of their trifle.]

All: (faking enjoyment) Mmm.

Chandler: (clearly lying and hating the dessert) Yeah, this is so good, that I’m gonna go enjoy it on the balcony so that I can enjoy the view whilst I enjoy my dessert.

[Chandler exits to the balcony.]

Mrs. Geller: (lying) I’ve gotta call my friend Mary and tell her how good this is, from Monica’s room.

Mr. Geller: (also lying) I’ll help you dial.

[Jack and Judy exit to Monica’s room.]

Monica: (again, lying) I’m gonna go into the bathroom so I can look at it in the mirror, as I eat it.

[Monica exits to the bathroom.]

Rachel: Okay, now what was that all about? Is it-does it not taste good? Let me try it.

[Rachel reaches for Ross’s plate]

Ross: Wha? No no! Ah! (Ross scarfs all of his trifle down in about a second. He looks like he’s going to throw up.) (Lying) All gone! So good! Maybe Chandler has some left.

[Rachel leaves to the balcony.]

Ross: It tastes like feet!

Joey: I like it.

Ross: Are you kidding?

Joey: What’s not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Gooooood.

[Rachel and Chandler re-emerge from the balcony.]

Rachel: ...So a bird just grabbed it, and then tried to fly away with it and, and then just dropped it on the street?

[Chandler makes a fake "I know I couldn’t believe it either" gesture.]

Chandler: (lying) Yes, but if it’s any consolation, before the bird dropped it, he seemed to enjoy it.

[Phoebe comes back from Rachel’s old room.]

Phoebe: Rachel, come here. (Rachel walks over to Phoebe. Chandler sits down on the lounge-chair.) Okay, I was just starting to take my Thanksgiving nap, and I had another dream about Jack.

Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, do I wanna hear this?

Phoebe: I dunno, let’s see! So, okay, I dreamt that we were gonna get married, and he left, becuz he had to go fight a fire. And, um, so okay, I went to a night club, and I saw him making out with a girl.

Rachel: (humoring Phoebe) Oh my God, he dream-cheated on you!

Phoebe: Yeah, but then Jacques Cousteau came and he kicked his ass for betraying me! It was soo cool! Then, he took me diving and he introduced me to his pet seahorse, who, by the way, was totally coming on to me, and please, that is not gonna happen.

[Jack and Judy come out of Monica’s room and sit down on the couch.]

Mr. Geller: Boy, I’m glad I wore the big belt today.

Phoebe: Five minutes ago, a line like that would’ve floored me. Now nothing. Well, not nothing, I am still a woman.

[Rachel and Phoebe walk into the kitchen. Monica comes out of the bathroom and goes over to Ross.]

Monica: Ross? Let’s go.

Ross: Oh yeah, about telling Mom and Dad, I was thinking about maybe writing a letter.

Monica: Alright, you know what? That’s it. You’ve had your chance.

Ross: Wha-what?

Monica: (out loud, to her parents) Mom! Dad! Ross smoked pot in college!

Mr. and Mrs. Geller: What?!

Ross: (in a 5 year old’s tone) (To Monica) You are such a tattletale! Mom, Dad, you remember that-that time you walked in my room and smelled marijuana?

Mr. and Mrs. Geller: Yes. (They look at Chandler angrily.)

Ross: Well I told you it was Chandler who was smoking the pot but it was me. I’m sorry.

Mrs. Geller: It was you?

Monica: And Dad, y’know that mailman that you got fired? He didn’t steal your Playboys! Ross did!

[The Gellers stare at Ross. Ross looks at his parents with an afraid, shocked look.]

Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn’t break the porch swing, Monica did!

[The Gellers glare at Monica.]

[Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting at the table, looking at the Geller siblings like they’re weirdos.]

Monica: Ross hasn’t worked at the museum for a year!

[The Gellers glare at Ross.]

Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!

[The Gellers glare at Monica, shocked]

[Monica and Chandler both are shocked. Ross gives Monica a “take that!” look.]

Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas! And got divorced! Again!!!!

[The Gellers glare at Ross.]

Phoebe: (joining in) I love Jacques Cousteau!

Rachel: (reading the recipe magazine, finally figuring out that...) I wasn’t supposed to put beef in the trifle!

Joey: (pounding the table) I wanna gooooooo!

Mrs. Geller: (rubbing her temples) That’s alot of information to get in in thirty seconds! Alright Joey, if wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no you weren’t supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did not taste good. Phoebe, I’m sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. (Phoebe makes a sad face.) Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you were in an important relationship is beyond me.

Mr. Geller: And we kinda figured about the porch swing.

Mrs. Geller: Ross, drugs? Divorced? Again?

Mr. Geller: What happened son?

Ross: I-I uh, I got tricked into all those things!

Mrs. Geller: Chandler! You’ve been Ross’s best friend all these years, stuck by him during the drug problems. (Ross gets disgusted.) And now you’ve taken on Monica as well. Well, I don’t know what to say. You’re a wonderful human being.

[Chandler is mega shocked!]

Chandler: Thank you!

Mr. Geller: No! Thank you! (Hugs Chandler) Monica, and Ross! I don’t know what I’m gonna do about the two of you!

Chandler: (In a parent-like tone) I’ll talk to them!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Everyone is helping clean the table.]

Rachel: You guys! It was bananas, cream, and beef! I-I just cannot believe that you ate that so that I wouldn’t feel bad!

Monica: Well actually, I-I didn’t eat mine. It’s still in the bathroom.

Joey: No it isn’t, I ate that.

Mrs. Geller: (pointing to herself and Jack) Well we left ours in Monica’s bedroom.

Joey: Nope, got it and I got yours (Pointing to Jack) too.

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hi, my name’s Chandler. I just moved in next door and I was wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control of the galaxies last remaining energy source?

Joey: Sure, neighbor come on in.

Chandler: So, is Janine around?

Joey: Uh, no, she’s at dance class.

Chandler: Can I check out what she did to my room?

Joey: Yeah, but, hey look, don’t go through her stuff. She gets really mad.(Chandler gives him a look and walks to the door of his old room.)

Chandler: (The room is filled with flowers and a floral print sheet on the bed.) Oh my God. What is th… it’s like a guy never lived in here. Look, you’ve got to be careful. This girl thing is dangerous. (Looking around the living room.) It’s spreading already.

Joey: (Looking around the room.) It is???

Chandler: (Picking up a pillow.) Yeah, is this your pretty pink pillow on the couch?

Joey: No.

Chandler: (Pointing to the table and picking up the box.) Is that your tiny little box, that’s too small to put anything in?

Joey: No.

Chandler: No! Ok, this is not good. You are a guy. Ok? This is a guys place. If you let this go, you’re going to be sitting around with your fingers soaking in stuff.

Joey: (With Big Eyes.) All right, you’re right. I’ll talk to her.

Chandler: Yes talk to her. Be a man.

Joey: I’m a man.

Chandler: Defend yourself.

Joey: (Grunting) Hmm. (Monica opens the front door and comes in.)

Monica: Chandler come on. We have to hem the new dust ruffle.

Chandler: Be right there sweetums. (Monica leaves. To Joey.) A totally different situation.

Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, The gangs all here. Monica is walking in.]
Monica: Hey guys.
Chandler: Hey, how was your breakfast with Hillary?

Monica: It was okay. She’s still kind of depressed because she broke up with her boyfriend.

Chandler: Ohh, yeah.

Ross: Well, is this Hillary your HOT assistant chef Hillary?

Monica: Yeah.

Ross: The one that always stares at me when I come in?

Monica: No, the one who looked at you once because you got in her way.

Ross: Still I could tell. She was into me. (Joey rolls his eyes.) Well, why don’t you set us up?

Rachel: Ohh, are you setting Ross up with someone? Does she have a wedding dress?

Phoebe: (Walking over and Sitting down.) Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: I’m, uhh, making up flyers trying to get new massage clients. So, can I come to Bloomingdale’s and use the copy machine.

Rachel: Well, sure, but they might think it’s kinda weird considering I don’t work there anymore.

Phoebe: Oh my God. What happened?

Rachel: I-I, got a job at Ralph Lauren.

Phoebe: Well that’s great! Congratulations!! (She hugs Rachel.)

Rachel: Yeah. (chuckling) A year ago..

Phoebe: (Hugging her again.) You’ve lasted a whole year. Good for you.

Rachel: But, Pheebs, you can still use the copy machine where I actually work. But, just come by at lunch so my boss doesn’t see you. Cause Kim will just freak out and she already doesn’t like me very much.

Chandler: That’s weird. I don’t think my boss likes me either.

Monica: I don’t think mine likes me either.

Ross: Maybe it’s a universal thing?

Joey: Or maybe, it’s because you’re hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday. (Everybody gets up.)

Chandler: Yeah let’s head off to work.

Monica: We should go.

[Scene: Rachel’s office, Phoebe hands Rachel a key card.]
Phoebe: Thank you.
Rachel: Sure.

Phoebe: Now you will not believe this. But, I was in the copy room, making copies, and Ralph Lauren came in.

Rachel: Oh my God. Did you talk to him?

Phoebe: Yeah a little. He seems really nice. Good kisser.

Rachel: What? What!?! You kissed him?

Phoebe: Totally.

Rachel: (Gasps) Phoebe are you serious?

Phoebe: Yeah. I was just in there. He introduced himself and the next thing I know, we’re making out. You know.

Rachel: Phoebe, I mean, you do know he’s married?

Phoebe: No!

Rachel: Phoebe…

Phoebe: What am I supposed to do? Ask every guy I make out with if he’s married? (Rachel looks at her.) No, yeah, I should.

[Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, Joey stares at a picture of a bay on the wall. Janine comes out of her room.]
Janine: Hey Joey.
Joey: Hey. Uh, can I talk to you for a second? This, uh, kid in this picture. Do you, uh, know this kid? Is that like a relative or something?

Janine: No, I just thought it was cute.

Joey: Yeah, that’s what I was afraid of.. Okay, uhh…Look Janine I really want you to feel at home here, but some of this new stuff. It’s…too girly.

Janine: Ohh. Like what?

Joey: Like this. (pointing to the picture) Pictures of cute babies we don’t know. We..we can’t have that.

Janine: Joey, it’s Anne Geddes. She’s a famous artist.

Joey: Look I don’t know this baby. I don’t know if she’s a famous artist or not. You know, and I don’t want to be a jerk but you’re changing too much around here.

Janine: Well, I’m sorry. I just thought I’d try to make the place a little nicer.

Joey: Yeah but it’s too much stuff. You know like, you got the candles and the foofy schmoofer thing here and over here you got a picture of a watering can.

Janine: Well I just thought…

Joey: I’m sure it’s a famous watering can, okay. But, come on…and what is with the really hot stick in the bathroom?

Janine: It’s a curling iron.

Joey: Ohh, well, that’s ok then. But, okay my towels for instance. I come in to the bathroom here and my towel is not on the floor where keep it. It’s up here on some hook..and…smells different.

Janine: It’s clean.

Joey: Yeah, well, it feels different.

Janine: It’s dry.

Joey: Alright, I can make my peace with the clean dry towels…Also what is with these chips you bought?

Janine: No no no no, it’s potpourri. You’re supposed to smell it. (Joey takes a big whiff of the potpourri.)

Joey: (Voice cracking) Well that’s like summer in a bowl.

[Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices, Rachel gets on her boss Kim is there.]
Rachel: Oh, Kim, Hi. (Kim doesn’t even look up from her report.)
Kim: Uhh-huh.

Rachel: So you know, I…I handed in that marketing report and I never got to hear what you thought.

Kim: I didn’t read it.

Rachel: Ahh….So…Wow…The spring line, it’s really going to be great this year, huh?

Kim: Yeah.

Rachel: So I hear the Ralph Lauren fooled around with someone in the copy room. (Kim stops the elevator and turns to Rachel.)

Kim: Tell me everything.

[Scene; Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are on the couch. Ross walks in.]
Ross: Hey guys.
Chandler and Monica: Hey.

Ross: What’s up? (He smiles. His teeth are freakishly white.)

Chandler: You know…Oh My God.

Monica: What happened to your teeth.

Ross: I whitened them.

Chandler: (Sarcastically) Really.

Ross: Yeah. What do you think.

Monica: Well, I think I shouldn’t look directly at them.

Ross: Come on, seriously.

Monica: Ross they’re really, really, really white.

Chandler: Yeah, what was wrong with your old…human teeth.

Ross: Ahh, I-I did leave the gel on a little longer then it said to.

Monica: How much longer?

Ross: A-A day.

Monica: Ross you know that tonight is your date with Hillary?

Ross: I know. That’s why I did it. (With a big smile) Come on, are they really that bad?

Chandler: No, no no no. You’ll be fine. (turning to Monica) Hillary’s bind, right?

Monica: She will be after tonight.

Chandler: Yeah. (Rachel walks in.)

Ross: Oh, hey, hey Rach, do you notice anything..ahh…

Rachel: Yeah. Your teeth? Yes, I saw them from outside. (Sitting down on the couch.) You guys are never going to believe this. But, Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren.

Chandler: What???

Monica: Oh my god.

Rachel: Yeah I know. She ran into him at my office and they just…made out. And the craziest thing is, now my boss likes me because I told her about it and she said it was the best gossip she’d heard all year.

Chandler: I am proud of all my friends today.

Monica: My God, Rachel, I can’t believe Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren. Ohh, I’m so jealous. (Chandler looks at her.)

Chandler: Hi, I’m Chandler. Your live-in boy

Monica: Chandler, please, come on. Look at him. (Pointing to a picture of Ralph on a magazine,.)

Chandler: Oh, I am no women, but that is one tasty dish. (Phoebe walks in.)

Phoebe: Hey. Here. (Hands Chandler a copy of her flyer and sees the picture of Ralph.) Ohh, who’s the silver fox?

Rachel: That-that is your make out buddy. Don’t you recognize him? (Holding up the magazine in front of her face.) Oh wait. Ohh, Phoebe I love you. Kiss me please.

Phoebe: That’s not Ralph Lauren. Sounds like him though.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Yeah, no, Ralph doesn’t look anything like that guy. He’s-he’s young and he’s got long hair and a beard and a hacky sack.

Rachel: Oh My God, Phoebe, that’s not Ralph Lauren. That’s Kenny the copy guy.

Phoebe: What?

Rachel: Oh..Go..Oh..and I told my boss that someone made out with Ralph Lauren. If she finds out that I lied to her, she is going to hate me even more. Phoebe!!

Phoebe: Why would the copy guy say he was Ralph Lauren?

Rachel: To get you to make out with him!!!

Phoebe: Ohhh.

[Scene: Ross’s Apartment, Ross and Monica are there.]
Monica: (Holding a shirt in front of Ross.) Okay, maybe this will make your teeth look less white. (Ross has a big smile.) Nope. Okay, colors that don’t work are blue, yellow, green, red, black, white, orange, and purple.
Ross: I don’t know what I’m going to do. That date starts in like an hour.

Monica: Hey Ross, maybe if your skin was lighter. Your teeth wouldn’t look so bright.

Ross: Oh great. So all I need to do is get some new skin. Thank you.

Monica: I’m just saying, if we put just a little bit of makeup on you.

Ross: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. We’re not 13 anymore.

Monica: Ross this is the only thing left that has a shot at working.

Ross: But, won’t she notice I have makeup on?

Monica: Please. Half the guys out there have makeup on.

Ross: What??

Monica: All right, half the people. I mean, just try it and see.

Ross: No. I am not putting on makeup. (Knock at the door. Phoebe enters.)

Phoebe: Hello. Oh good. Ross could you put up some of these flyers for me? (He smiles at her.) OH!! Demon!! Demon!!

[Scene: Chandler’s and Monica’s apartment, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table making potpourri sachets.]
Monica: Now are drawers will smell nice and we didn’t waste these pantyhose.
Chandler: Yes, God forbid we throw out old underwear. You-you know what? I’m going to go over to Joey’s.

Monica: Wait, we’re supposed to organize the wrapping paper drawer.

Chandler: Yes, but I feel like I’ve really gotten in touch with my feminine side enough today. You know. In fact I think we’re two sachets away from becoming a lesbian couple.

Monica: You know what? This has been kind of a girlie day. You’re right, I’m sorry.

Chandler: Nah, Nah, it’s okay. I feel like I need to be in guy place. You know, do kind of like a man thing.

Monica: Yeah. Go over to Joey’s. Go over to Joey’s and drink some beer and hammer up some drywall.

Chandler: You know when guys hang out they don’t just drink some beer and hammer up drywall?

Monica: When girls hang out, we don’t have pillow fights in our underwear. (Chandler gets a hurt look on his face.) I’m sorry. We do. We do. I don’t know why I said that.

[Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, Chandler walks in. Joey and Janine are knitting at the kitchen counter.]
Joey: Hey Chandler. Come on in. We’re knitting pot holders.
Chandler: No thanks, Josephine.

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Chandler enters. Ross is putting on makeup.]
Chandler: Hey Ross, I was wondering if… Oh my God!! Where are all the men???
[Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices, Kim’s waiting for it. The door opens and Rachel is inside.]
Rachel: Ohh, hi, Kim.
Kim: Hi Rachel.

Rachel: Yeah, remember that thing I told you that happened yesterday? Well it didn’t happen.

Kim: You didn’t cancel the fabric order from Taiwan?

Rachel: Okay, two things didn’t happen. Remember I told you that someone made out with Ralph Lauren in the copy room? Well, it turns out that’s not true.

Kim: That’s not true?

Rachel: No.

Kim: Oh that’s interesting? Because I checked and only one keycard was used to access the copy machine yesterday during lunch and that keycard belonged to you, Rachel.

Rachel: Oh no, no, no. Oh God, you think I made out with him.

Kim: Listen to me. If you think sleeping with Ralph is going to get you my job. You are sadly mistaken.

Rachel: I-I don’t want your job. I-I don’t. Ohh this is such a mistake. I did not make out with him. Nobody made out with him. I did not use my keycard yesterday. I don’t even know how to use my keycard. (The elevator stops. Ralph steps on.)

Kim: Hi Ralph.

Ralph Lauren: Hi Kim. (Dead silence until Ralph gets off the elevator.)

Kim: Yeah, nothing happen. You could cut the sexual tension in here with a knife.

[Scene: Hillary’s apartmen,. Hillary and Ross are having dinner. He is avoiding opening his mouth.]
Hillary: And after that, what could I do except become a chef.
Ross: Mmm-Hmm.

Hillary: And someday soon, I hope to open my own restaurant.

Ross: Mmm.

Hillary: You know, you’re a really great listener. Most guys I go out with, they just talk and talk.

Ross: Mm-Hmm.

Hillary: After a while it’s like, shut your mouth, you know?

Ross: (Chuckling) Hmm-Hmm.

Hillary: I’ve probably been talking too much. Why don’t we talk about you a little bit?

Ross: Mmm-Unmm.

Hillary: Come on. I want to know.

Ross: Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. (Putting his hand up to block his mouth.) Okay. I, uh, am from Long Island. I-I came to the city for college. Um, I, um, have a 5 year old son and in my spare time I like to read spy novels. But, but, let’s talk more about you. Hmm.

[Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, Joey and Monica are arranging flowers. Chandler walks in.]
Joey: So what’s really neat. If you sear the stems of the flowers first in a frying pan, your arrangement will look fresh much longer.
Monica: Oh my God, Joey, that is such a great tip.

Chandler: Monica, could you excuse us for a second? I need to talk to the girl with the flowers.

Monica: Okay. Oh but Joey, come over later because I’m going to teach you to make a bird feeder out of just a pine cone and some peanut butter.

Joey: Ohh, I love birds. (Monica leaves. Chandler shuts the door.)

Chandler: What is the matter with you ?!?

Joey: What?

Chandler: You’re arranging flowers! (Pointing to the dish on the table.) You got dead flowers! You got a picture, a picture, of a baby dressed like flowers! This is not Joey!!

Joey: Hey. Hey look I am still Joey, okay. Flowers they’re just, you know, they’re nice to look at. And that happens to be a picture by a famous artist. Of a famous baby.

Chandler: You’re turning into a women.

Joey: No I’m not. Why would you say that? That’s just mean.

Chandler: Now I’ve upset you? What did I say?

Joey: It’s not what you said. It’s the way you said it….Oh My God, I’m a women!!!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there.]
Rachel: Now, she thinks that I made out with him and I did it to get her job.
Phoebe: But why didn’t you just tell her the truth.

Rachel: I did but she doesn’t think anyone would be stupid enough to confuse Kenny the copy guy with Ralph Lauren.

Phoebe: Well, hey, what if Kenny were the real brains behind the whole company? You know. What if Kenny hired that Ralph Lauren guy to be the pretty front man? Huh, did she ever think of that?

Rachel: You were with Kenny today, weren’t you?

Phoebe: Just for a second.

Rachel: Ohh, Phoebe, what am I going to do?

Phoebe: Well, the only thing you can do. Sleep with Ralph Lauren.

Rachel: I’m not going to sleep with Ralph Lauren. I mean, I could, but I wouldn’t.

Phoebe: Ohh, sleep with Kenny.

Rachel: That wouldn’t help me.

Phoebe: Ohh, yes it would.

[Scene: Hillary’s apartment, Hillary and Ross are finishing up their date.]
Hillary: I’ve had a really good time tonight.
Ross: Mmm.

Hillary: You know, I rarely connect with someone this much on the first date.

Ross: (Giggling) Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. (Picking up a piece of bread and covering his mouth.) Me, neither. I’ve had a really good time too, you know. (Putting the bread down.)

Hillary: Are you going to eat that bread?

Ross: (Putting the bread up to his nose.) Ohh, I just like the smell. (Sniffing it.) Mmmm.

Hillary: (Laughing) You make me laugh.

Ross: Hmm-Hmm.

Hillary: Would you like to move over to the couch?

Ross: Mmm-Hmm. (Picking up their wine glasses.)

Hillary: Maybe I’ll just turn the lights down a little.

Ross: (Covering his mouth with the glass.) How about all the way.

Hillary: Okay. (She goes to turn the lights off and Ross sits on the couch. She has some black light posters on the wall.)

Ross: (Looking at the posters.) Wow, cool poster. Or should I say groovy poster? (They sit down on the couch. Ross smiles and the black light fluoresces his teeth.) So, ahh, where were we?

Hillary: Are those your teeth??

Ross: Ohh, you can see them, huh?

Hillary: Yes. They’re insanely white.

Ross: I-I, did that for you.

Hillary: What’s a matter with you?

Ross: What’s a matter with me? You’ve got a black light. It’s 1999!

[Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren Offices, Rachel gets in . Kim is there.]
Rachel: Kim, hi.
Kim: Hi Rachel. Ohh, I’ve been meaning to ask you. Have you seen the new Ralph Lauren sheets? Ohh, what am I thinking. Of course you have.

Rachel: Okay..Okay.. Look. I’m sorry that I lied to you before. You were right. Ralph and I were an item but were not anymore.

Kim: Oh, really?

Rachel: (Faking crying.) Yeah, he dumped me. He said, "Rachel, I can’t do this. Even though you are a very, very, very beautiful women. I can’t do this. I’m married and I’m sorry." And then I don’t know why but he said, "and you will never get promoted. Especially not above Kim, who is an integral cog in the Ralph Lauren machine."

Kim: You expect me to believe..(Doors open, Ralph steps in.) Hi Ralph.

Ralph Lauren: Hi Kim. (Dead silence again until he gets off.)

Kim: Oh my God. He just gave you the coldest look I have ever seen. It’s like he hates you. Then it is true.

Rachel: Of course it’s true and it hurts so bad.

Kim: Ohh honey come here. (Hugging Rachel.) Ohh it will be ok. We’ve all been there.

Rachel: You and Ralph?

Kim: Kenny the copyboy.

Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, Joey paces the floor waiting for Janine. She walks in.]
Janine: Hey.
Joey: Hey, uhh, I need to talk to you.

Janine: What’s the matter? Are you upset?

Joey: I’m sorry but we’ve got to get rid of all this girlie stuff in here. I, uh, I got to be a man! Okay. The living room has to remain a guy place, okay? That’s just the way it has to be.

Janine: Well, if that’s what you want. I’ll just put it all in my room.

Joey: Great…Great…and thanks for being so understanding. I mean, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of this, you know. (She starts to collect all the girlie stuff up.) You could, uh, put the picture of the famous baby in my room. I mean, if you want to.

Janine: Okay.

Joey: And, uhh, maybe the watering can there.

Janine: Sure.

Joey: And a couple of these little tiny boxes.

Janine: Joey? Do you want me to put it all in your room?

Joey: (Smiling) Okay.

Phoebe: Ready?

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: Okay.

Rachel: Hi...

Phoebe: it's...

Rachel: Rachel...

Phoebe: and…

Rachel: Phoebe’s...

Phoebe: please...

Rachel: leave...

Phoebe: leave…

Rachel: Wait, I-I just said "leave."

Phoebe: Yeah, I know because you have all the good words. What do I get? I get "it’s," "and" oh I'm sorry, I have "A." Forget it.

Rachel: Phoebe, come on that's silly.

Phoebe: All right, so let's switch.

Rachel: No, I have all of the good words. OK, fine, fine, we can switch.

Phoebe: Okay.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: Hi…

Rachel: Everybody…

Phoebe: It's…

Rachel: Rachel…

Phoebe: and…

Rachel: Phoebe’s…

Phoebe: Please...wait, how did you do that?

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Oh, you're no ordinary roommate are you?

Rachel: Phoebe, come on can we finish this later? Cause I wanna go running before it gets dark. Oh! Why don't you come with me?!

Phoebe: Really?

Rachel: Yeah, it'll be fun. We'll run in the park. It'll be like our first y’know roommate bonding thing.

Phoebe: Okay, let's go running!

Rachel: Yeah and there's really cute guys there.

Phoebe: Let's run towards them!

Rachel: OK!

Phoebe: All right, wait just one more second. Hi, it's Phoebe and Rachel's. Please leave a message, thanks!

Rachel: Now wait a minute. You just took all the words!

Phoebe: Uh-huh. You've met your match Rachel Green.

Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s new apartment, Ross and Chandler are there.]
Ross: So, I just finished this fascinating book. By the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same amount of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically you could download your thoughts and memories into this computer and-and-and live forever as a machine.
Chandler: (not amused) And I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.

[Monica enters]

Monica: Hey!

Ross and Chandler: Hey!

Monica: (jumps over a box) Honey, that's a great idea nailing the boxes to the floor!

Chandler: I didn't nail the boxes to the floor.

Monica: Oh, So you can move them!

Chandler: Yes, and while I'm doing that, Ross has a great computer story for you.

[Joey enters with his new roommate who is played by none other than Elle MacPherson.]

Joey: Hey everybody! Uh, I'd like you to meet Janine. She's-she's gonna be my new roommate!

Janine: Hi.

Ross: Hi! (Rushes over to shake her hand instantly.)

Janine: Hi

Joey: Yeah, she's gonna live with me!

Monica: It's nice to meet you. Janine...?

Janine: Lecroix. Janine Lecroix

Joey: I didn't know that! Well, what a pretty last name!

Chandler: So, uh, wh-where ya from?

Janine: Australia, I just moved here a couple of weeks ago.

Joey: (shocked) From the land down under? I didn't know that either!

Ross: So uh, wha-uh, what do you do?

Janine: I'm a dancer.

Joey: You're a dancer? She-she's a dancer!

Janine: Well, I think I'll go and unpack.

Joey: Oh, hey let me. (Opens the door for Janine and after he closes the door behind her gasps ecstatically.)

Monica: Joey, did you even interview this woman before you asked her to move in?

Joey: Of course I did.

Monica: Uh-huh, what exactly did you ask her?

Joey: "When can you move in?"

Ross: Thank you for bringing her into our lives.

Chandler: Unbelievable

Monica: Oh, so you like her too Chandler?

Chandler: Hey, look at all the boxes!

Joey: Ugh, I cannot wait to ask her out!

Monica: Wait a minute...Joey. Joey you can't ask her out, she's your roommate. It-it'll be way too complicated.

Ross: Yeah, yeah man don't do it. I mean if you date her, then-then-then I can't date her.

Chandler: All right, think about it. Now remember when you were going out with that girl Donna and you guys broke up. Remember how horrible it was when you guys bumped into each other at the supermarket?

Joey: Oh God, yeah.

Chandler: Now imagine you live at the supermarket.

Joey: (happily) Okay!

Chandler: No-no

Joey: Oh, Oh, you're right! I don't want that. I can't date her!

Monica: Yeah and you better watch the flirting too, cause you know, in such close quarters, it could be trouble.

Joey: Well, that's gonna be tough Mon. I mean it's hard for me to be around an attractive woman and not flirt.

Monica: (chuckles) Hmm, well you're around me all the time and you don't flirt.

Joey: You a little sad about that sweetheart?

[Scene, The Park: Phoebe and Rachel are getting ready to go running]
Phoebe: I have to tie my shoe, so you go ahead, I'll catch up.
Rachel: Okay. (Runs off.)

Phoebe: Okay. (Starts running crazily with her arms flapping and her legs far apart) Come on! That's not running! Let's go! (Rachel pauses, then follows, embarrassed.)

[Scene, Central Perk: Rachel, Ross and Monica are there]
Rachel: You guys, I'm telling you, when she runs, she looks like a cross between Kermit The Frog and The Six Million Dollar Man.
Ross: Monica had such a crush on him. Yeah, she used to kiss his poster every night before she went to bed.

Rachel: Oh! I used to do that too!

Monica: Did you also have his album, It's Not Easy Being Green?

Rachel: Aw, Mon...(Kisses her on the cheek)

Monica: So, Phoebe runs weird huh?

Rachel: Yeah, yeah and you know what, I know she's gonna wanna run again, I just don't know how to get out of it, I mean, I live with her.

Monica: Why don't you just be straight with her? Tell her the truth.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: You're right, you're right. I should just tell her the truth.

[Phoebe enters]

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Pheebs, Monica tripped me, I don't think I can ever run again, ever!

Phoebe: Why? Why would you do that?

Monica: I don't know. Rachel I'm-I'm sorry that I hurt your ankles.

Rachel: Ankle.

Monica: We'll see.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s new apartment, Chandler is putting something away under the sink.]
Chandler: OK, I'm officially unpacked. Thanks for helping me man. (Turns around and sees that Joey isn't there.) Joe? (Hears giggling coming from a box) Well, I guess Joey went home. Oh and look, there's still one box that I have to unpack. (Hears the giggling again)
Joey: (jumps out of the box) I Gotcha!!

Chandler: (pretending) Oh my God! You-almost-gave-me-a-heart-attack.

Joey: Boy, it was so hard not to laugh, I tell ya. Hey, hey, the place looks great!

Chandler: Yeah, not bad right? You know what, Monica’s gonna be working late, so I'm gonna make this place spotless. You know what else I'm gonna do, know what else I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go downstairs, I'm gonna get her some flowers. Now who wouldn't wanna live with me?

Joey: (raises his hand) I don't! No, I wanna live with the super-hot Australian dancer.

Chandler: Yeah, now how's that going though? Are you okay with the not-flirting thing?

Joey: Yeah. Well, so far yeah. But it's tough you know? I got all this built up flirting energy and I don't know how to get rid of it. (Gives Chandler the "Joey-love," look.) How you doin?

[Scene Joey and Janine’s new apartment, Janine is there. Joey walks in to see Janine bent over, stretching.]
Joey: (voice cracking) Ohhhh man
Janine: Sorry, there's just more room out here.

Joey: No-no-no-no-no, it's-it's uh, you just uh, uh reminded me that uh, I need to do my stretches too. (Starts to stretch, groans painfully)

Janine: (touches his waist) Why don't you try to do-

Joey: (jumps up and yells)

Janine: What's wrong?

Joey: Uh-uh nothing. I-I-I-I didn't want you to touch me cause I'm -I'm all sweaty from the workout. I better hit the shower. (Goes into the bathroom and comes back out quickly) Oh my God!

Janine: Oh, sorry about that stuff hanging in there. It's just my thongs are too delicate for the dryer.

(Joey laughs nervously and goes to his bedroom.)

[Scene, The Park, Rachel is running and Phoebe is hiding behind a tree.]
Phoebe: (jumps in front of Rachel) Hi! Oh yeah, uh-huh, it's me. I saw you grab your running shoes this morning and sneak out. You lied so you could run by yourself.
Rachel: No, no Phoebe no, I was...no. You know what, I was, I was actually just checking to, see, if I could run. And I can!

Phoebe: Please Rachel, I am not an idiot. (Runs off)

Rachel: No, wait Phoebe.

[Scene, Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler is there. Everything is out of its place and Chandler's cleaning.]
Ross: (enters) Wow, couples who live together do start to look alike. So, Mondler...uh, what uh, what ‘cha doin?
Chandler: What does it look like I'm doing? I am cleaning!

Ross: Did you get Monica's authorization to move all of her stuff?

Chandler: Authorization? I don't need that. I'm gonna put everything back.

Ross: Put it back exactly where you found it?

Chandler: Yes I'm gonna put it back (Mocking Ross) exactly where I found it.

Ross: ‘Kay, first of all, this attitude is not helping.

Chandler: She's not gonna care if I put her stuff back in the same stupid place.

Ross: Whoa, hello, did you just meet Monica?

Chandler: She is gonna recognize that I did a nice thing and-and, appreciate it.

Ross: Hmm -you know, actually this'll work out well. Cause when you have to move back in with Joey, Joey's hot new roommate can come and live with me.

Chandler: I see, I see, y-y-you're trying to freak me out.

Ross: Look Chandler, Monica is really weird about this kind stuff all right. Believe me, I lived with her for 16 years. She is going to freak…out. Oh my God, she's going to sit on you.

Chandler: No, she's not okay? And I'll prove it to you. I'm gonna call her right now. (Picks up the phone and wipes it off) Phone's done ehh.

Monica: (on phone) Hi!

Chandler: Hey Mon, how's it going?

Monica: Terrible. If-if I want something done right, I have to do it myself. Other people just wreck stuff. I really think I might kill someone tonight.

Chandler: Oh come on, come on, it can't be that bad.

Monica: It's worse. The only thing that's getting me through is knowing that I'm gonna be seeing you soon. I think I may even try to get out of here early.

Chandler: No! No-no-no-no-no-no. It sounds like they really need you down there.

Monica: Well, are you just hanging out with Ross?

Chandler: It's, all good! Okay bye-bye Mon! (To Ross) She's-she's gonna kill me.

Ross: Yeah, the phone was facing the other way. (Chandler fixes it and a picture frame off the table.) And that goes back up there.

Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, continued from earlier.]
Chandler: We should start with the big stuff. Y’know? That'll be the easiest. Uh, let's start with the couch. (He picks up one end and Ross doesn't help) I got it. (He moves it back to where he thinks it goes.)
Ross: Yeah that-that, doesn't look right.

Chandler: What are you talking about? The couch is perfectly in line with the carpet. And then I can just walk over here and casually just put my feet right up on the...(Tries to rest his feet on the coffee table but they won't reach) OK, OK, here's what we do, we just uh, move the couch closer to the coffee table.

Ross: Whoa, whoa, but then the back of the couch won't line up with he back of the carpet.

Chandler: OK well here, we'll just move the coffee table closer to the couch.

Ross: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, but then the coffee table won't be centered in the seating area.

Chandler: Yes, but the coffee table doesn't match the...blahebdmsdlkhdyslkd;btyds...Rooosss!!!!

Joey: (entering) Look, what am I gonna do? I'm not flirting but still, I'm drawing her to me like - like a moth to a flame! (Tries to put his feet on the coffee table...they won't reach and looks around.) What the hell's going on over here?!?!? (Points to Chandler) Monica's gonna kill you! Look I need your help, I have to do something to-to repel this woman! Wait a minute, wait a minute, you guys repel women all the time.

Ross: Hey, I've been married 3 times

(Chandler gives him a round of mock applause.)

Joey: No-no-no I've seen it happen, you-you get a rapport going with a woman but somehow you manage to kill it. What's your secret?

Ross: Look, we do not repel women OK? That is completely untrue.

Chandler: Oh no, yes we do my man. Remember when we were back in college and we went to that spring dance and you walked right up to that girl you liked and you could not stop talking about the Irish potato famine?

Ross: Yeah, well what about you? You weren't you know, so hot in college either. After everything he said, he'd go "ba dum bum chessh"

Chandler: Yeah, Monica doesn't like that either, Maybe I should stop doing that.

Ross: Oh y'know what, girls don't like it when I start talking about science.

Chandler: That's not specific to girls.

Joey: This is great, this is great, what else, what else?

Ross: Uh, they don't like it when you correct their grammar.

Chandler: And they don't like it when you explain why your jokes are funny.

Ross: They don't like it when you keep asking them if they like you.

Chandler: Man, I'm so lucky I have Monica.

Ross: (nonchalantly) I'm never gonna find love again.

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel’s, Rachel is there as Phoebe enters.]
Rachel: Hey Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?
Phoebe: Sure

Rachel: Okay, um, I...(Phoebe walks into her room.) All right Phoebe look, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. OK? I handled the situation horribly and I should not have lied to you.

Phoebe: So, what should you have done?

Rachel: Well, I-I should've told you the truth.

Phoebe: Uh-Huh, Which is...?

Rachel: Well, y'know, the reason I didn't wanna go running with you is because um, well y'know the way that you run is a little...(Starts flapping her arms)

Phoebe: So?

Rachel: Well, it's embarrassing. People were looking at us like we were crazy.

Phoebe: Why do you care?

Rachel: Because they're people.

Phoebe: But people that you don't know and will never see again.

Rachel: Yes, but still. They're people…with eyes.

Phoebe: Well, I didn't get embarrassed running next to Miss (panting). But no, okay. No, no, I can see why running with me would be embarrassing to you. Yeah, okay. You're uptight.

Rachel: I-I am not uptight—Hey-hey-hey-oh-oh! Listen, I am not uptight, man.

Phoebe: That's okay Rachel. I'm not judging you; that's just who you are. Me. I'm more free y'know? I run like I did when I was a kid, cause that's the only way it's fun. Y'know, I mean didn’t you ever run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off? Y'know, like when you were like running towards the swings or running away from Satan? (Rachel looks confused) The neighbor's dog.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler has the tape measure out and is busy lining up the lamp on the kitchen counter, Ross is supervising the whole operation.]
Chandler: Okay, is this lamp in the same place?
Ross: Who cares? I repel women.

[Monica tries to come in]

Chandler: (blocks the door) No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!!! You can't come in here! R-r-r-r-Ross is naked.

Monica: What?!

Ross: (whispers) What?!

Chandler: (to Ross) I couldn't say that I was naked because she's allowed too see me naked.

Ross: Why does anyone have to be naked?

Monica: Why is Ross naked?

Ross: I-I had to show Chandler something?

Monica: Naked?

Ross: Yeah-yeah I uh, I have a uh, a guy problem.

Monica: Is it the same thing that Chandler had?

Chandler: Look, uh, just come later, we'll get everything squared away and you can come back later.

Monica: Okay, listen, there's still some of Chandler's medicine under the sink in the bathroom. Bye!

Chandler: Bye! Thank God

Ross: Dude, what'd you have?

Chandler: Look, we have no time okay? We must focus. We gotta get everything back into its original place.

Ross: (realizes something) The photo album! There were millions of pictures of the apartment in the photo album. We just go through it and match everything to the pictures.

Chandler: That's perfect! That's brilliant! (Starts going through the photo album)

Ross: So really, what'd ya have?

[Scene: Joey and Janine's, Janine's there. Joey enters]
Janine: Hey Joey, I got some beer for you.
Joey: Uh, don't you mean "for whom?"

Janine: Sure, listen I was gonna order some pizza, you wanna share one?

Joey: Pizza, heh, its not like I never had that before...ba dum bum cheshhh.

Janine: Is there something wrong?

Joey: All right, All right, let's just get this out in the open okay? You're hot. I'm lovable. Clearly there's a vibe going on between us. But, we're roommates and it's a huge mistake for us to continue down this road.

Janine: Joey...

Joey: No, no, no, I'm telling ya. Imagine yourself living in a supermarket and you will understand okay? So the question is, what do we do?

Janine: Well, I don't think there is anything to do. I mean I think you're really sweet, but I'm just not interested in you like that.

Joey: Oh!

Janine: No! I mean you're a really nice guy and I'm happy to be your roommate and your friend, I'm just y'know, I just don't feel that way about you.

Joey: Oh! I see what happened. It's because I was trying to repel you. Right? Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on.

Janine: I don't think so.

Joey: Oh, I do. (Gives her the Joey-love look.) How you doin?

Janine: I'm OK

Joey: What?!?!

Janine: What?

Joey: Oh dear God!

[Scene: The park, Rachel's running by herself and panting. After a little while she decides to run like Phoebe.]
Rachel: (Runs into Phoebe.) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Oh honey, I'm so sorry, you were right, this feels great!

Phoebe: See? And you don't care if people are staring, it's just for a second cause then you're gone!

Rachel: Gone! I mean its amazing Pheebs. I feel so free and so graceful. (Turns and bumps into a mounted policeman and falls) Hey! Look out for the horse! Sorry! (Runs off.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler and Ross are there. Monica enters]
Monica: Is it okay for me to come in now?
Chandler: Uh-huh

Monica: Why is everything different?

Ross: Bye! (Runs out)

Chandler: No, I don't see anything different other than the fact that the room got so much brighter when you came into it. (Forced laughter)

Monica: Well, the end table is wrong, The couch looks bizarre and don't even get me started on the refrigerator magnets.

Chandler: Okay look, don't...don't be mad okay? But after I unpacked the boxes I wanted to do something nice for you, so, I-I-I cleaned the apartment. So I moved everything around and then I forgot where it, where it went back and I'm sorry, I'm very sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Monica: It's okay. Chandler, are you afraid of me or something?

Chandler: Do you want me to be afraid of you?

Monica: Of course not. I mean gosh, Chandler what you did, it's, it's a wonderful thing and I really appreciate it. I know I have this weird thing where I want everything to be in the perfect place, but I'd never expect you to worry about that.

Chandler: Really?

Monica: Of course!

Chandler: Oh well you're the best. You come here to me.

Monica: All right, hold on okay? First thing's first. (Gets her cleaning gloves on) Okay, now did Ross sit anywhere while he was naked?

Closing Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Janine and Chandler are there]
Ross: So it said that by the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same number of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically we could download our thoughts and our memories into this computer...
Janine: ...and live forever as a machine!

Ross: That's so Janine, you-you-you know what, do you know we're doing right now? You and I, we're interfacing.

Janine: Yeah, I gotta go.

Chandler: Ba dum bumb cheshhh

Chandler: (watches Joey for a moment) Okay! (Joey quickly moves the hockey stick so that he’s scratching his back with it.) Listen, I’m gonna be moving out so you will be in charge of paying the rent.

Joey: Right! And when is that due?

Chandler: First of the month.

Joey: And that’s every month?

Chandler: No, just the months you actually want to live here.

Joey: Ahhh.

Chandler: Okay, here is the phone bill. (Hands it to Joey.)

Joey: (looking at it) Oh my God!!

Chandler: That’s our phone number. Now look, I know I kinda sprung this whole me moving out on thing, so why don’t I just—why don’t I just cover you for a while?

Joey: No-no! No way! Joey Tribbiani does not take charity…anymore.

Chandler: It’s not charity, Joe…

Joey: No! Forget it! Okay—I mean thanks, but I’m done taking money from you. All right, I can take of myself. Now, what’s next? Come on.

Chandler: Okay uh, here’s the electric bill. (Hands it to him.)

Joey: This is how much we pay for electric?!!!

Chandler: Uh, yeah.

(Joey runs over and shuts off the lights.)

Chandler: So, we’ll do the rest of the bills later then?

Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is talking to Phoebe about trying to give Joey some money.]
Phoebe: So is Joey going to have to give up the apartment?
Chandler: No, I hope not! I tried to offer him some money, but he wouldn’t take it.

Phoebe: Well, how much do you think he needs?

Chandler: I figure that $1,500 would cover him for a few months, y’know? But I have to trick him into taking it so I won’t hurt his pride.

Phoebe: Why don’t you hire him as an actor? You could have him dress up and put on little skits. Whatever you want.

Chandler: Well that would help the pride thing.

Monica: (entering from her room) Hey!

Chandler: Hey! Wow! You look great! Wanna move in with me tomorrow?

Monica: (thinks) Okay.

Chandler: Okay! (They kiss) So, what do you girls have planned for tonight?

Monica: Well, instead of being sad that tonight is my last night together with Rachel we thought we’d go out to dinner and celebrate the fact that Rachel is moving in with Phoebe.

Phoebe: And also, my birthday.

Monica: It’s not your birthday.

Phoebe: What a mean thing to say! I would never tell you it’s not your birthday!

(Joey and Ross enter.)

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! So you guys have anything planned for the big last night?

Chandler: Well, instead of just hanging out, we figure we’d do nothing.

Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Knicks season opener tonight. I thought maybe you guys would come over and watch it.

Joey: I don’t know Ross, not if you’re gonna talk about how you gave up a career in basketball to become a paleontologist.

Ross: I did give up a career in basketball to become a paleontologist!

Rachel: (entering from her room) Pheebs, I was wondering…

Monica: You’re not dressed yet?! We’re supposed to start having fun in 15 minutes!

Rachel: Well and clearly not a minute sooner.

Monica: Rachel, you are packed though right, I mean please tell me that you’re packed.

Rachel: Of course I packed! Monica relax! I just wanted to ask Phoebe her opinion on what I should wear tonight.

Phoebe: My God, I can’t get a minute of peace around this place.

[Cut to Rachel’s bedroom, Phoebe and her are entering. And it’s obvious that she’s not packed.]

Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica’s just gonna kill you.

Rachel: Yeah, yeah, I know.

Phoebe: Well, what you’re wearing is fine for that.

Monica: (entering) Rachel, I need to borrow—You’re not packed!!!! You’re not packed even a little bit!

Rachel: Surprise!!

Monica: What?

Rachel: No, no don’t get mad because look—this is what happened. So I-I started packing, then I realized, "What am I doing? I am lousy at packing!" Right? But you love packing! So, as a gift to you, on our last night, ta-da!

Monica: (grabs a bag of those Styrofoam peanuts) I’ll be coordinator! Oh my God! I’m so sorry, I didn’t get you anything! Okay, look everybody has to help! Okay? You can help, can’t you Phoebe?

Phoebe: I have plans.

Monica: You’re plans were with us.

Phoebe: That’s right.

Monica: All right, Chandler can make boxes, Ross can wrap, and Joey can lift things. Now Phoebe, go tell the guys they have to help out!

Phoebe: Okay.

Monica: Okay! (To Rachel) Oh my God, thank you!!

[Cut to living room, Phoebe enters and closes Rachel’s door behind her.]

Phoebe: Hurry! Monica’s gonna make you pack! She’s got jobs for everyone! Now, it’s too late for me, but save your selves! (The guys scramble for the door.)

Monica: (entering and interrupting the guy’s escape attempt) Okay! The movers will be here in 11 hours. Rachel has not packed. Now, everybody has to help! Chandler, we’re gonna start with…

Chandler: Oh nope, I-I have plans with Joey.

Monica: I thought you said you were going to do nothing.

Chandler: Yes, but for the last time.

Monica: Okay fine, now Ross…

Ross: Oh, but-but I can’t do it.

Monica: Why not?

Joey: (quietly) I’ve got Ben.

Ross: Because, because I’ve got Ben.

Monica: It’s almost 8 o’clock, it’s almost past his bedtime. Where-where is he?

Chandler: He’s at a dinner party.

Monica: Is he really coming? Because I can see right into your apartment!

Ross: Of course he is! What, do you think I’d just use my son as-as an excuse? What kind of father do you think I am?

Monica: All right, sorry. (Goes back to Rachel’s room.)

Ross: (to the guys) I gotta go make a fake Ben.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is entering carrying two pizzas.]
Joey: Here it is! Our last pizzas together as roommates.
Chandler: Oh, I wish I’d know you were going to do that, I ordered Chinese.

Joey: Oh that’s okay. Hey, actually in a way it’s kinda nice. Me, bringing the food of my ancestors, you, the food of yours!

(Chandler stares at him, dumbfounded, then finally agrees.)

Chandler: Say, Joe, I had a strange idea of what we could do for our last night. What do you say we play a little uh, foosball for money?

Joey: What, are you crazy? You haven’t beaten me once since my injury plagued ’97 season. It would be easier if you just give me your money.

Chandler: Yes it would. What do you say to $50?

Joey: Okay, you’re on.

Chandler: Okay, let’s play! The big game, Italy vs. China, apparently.

(They start playing.)

[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom, she’s in her closet bringing down her pair of roller blades from a top shelf.]
Rachel: Ohhhhhh, look it’s the roller blades.
Monica: (starting to cry) Oh God!

Rachel: You remember when we got these?

Monica: No.

Rachel: I guess you weren’t there. (They hug.)

Phoebe: You guys, we said we were gonna have fun! Come on, hey, remember the time… (She starts laughing hysterically.) You don’t remember?

Rachel: I’m sorry Pheebs, I guess I’m just really said that I’m leaving.

Monica: I’m gonna miss you so much.

Phoebe: Well, this doesn’t have to be so sad though. Y’know? Maybe instead of just thinking about how much you’re gonna miss each other, you should like think of the things you’re not gonna miss.

Monica: I don’t think there’s anything.

Phoebe: Come on, there’s gotta be something.

Monica: Nope, she’s perfect.

Rachel: I have one.

Phoebe: Good! Great! You can go first.

Rachel: Uh well, I guess I’m not gonna miss the fact that you’re never allowed to move the phone pen. (Laughs. Monica lags behind the laugh a little bit.)

Phoebe: Good that’s a good one. Okay, Monica, anything? Y’know? Does Rachel move the phone pen?

Monica: Aw, sometimes. Always, actually.

Phoebe: Okay, good. There you go. Doesn’t anyone feel better?

Monica: Not just the phone pen. I never get my messages.

Rachel: You get your messages!

Monica: Yeah, well I don’t think it really counts if you have to read them off the back of your hand after you fall asleep on the couch.

Rachel: So-so, you missed a message from who? Chandler or your mom? Or Chandler? Or your mom?

Phoebe: Great! It worked! No one’s sad.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they are just finishing up another game of foosball.]
Joey: (scores) Yes! I win again! Ha-ha! That’s like 500 bucks you owe me! Whoo-ho-hoo! (Goes over to the fridge and starts opening and closing the door rapidly.) $500 that is a loooot of electricity! (By the way, there’s nothing in the fridge.) Whoo-ho-ho! (Notices the sparseness of the fridge.) I gotta buy some food.
Chandler: Okay, give me a chance to win my money back. Okay? Sudden death, one goal, $1,000.

Joey: You serious?

Chandler: Oh yes!

Joey: Okay, get ready to owe me!

Chandler: Okay.

Joey: Okay, here we go. Ready?

[In slow motion, as some haunty demonic music plays in the background, Joey throws the ball in, Chandler quits playing and goes for his Chinese food. Joey smacks the ball really hard, shooting it down the table. Chandler slowly takes a bite, the ball bounces off of the wall, heads back up the table, and scores the goal for Chandler.]

Chandler: No! No! No! No—(Joey looks at him)—one can beat me.

(In frustration, Joey kicks the table, breaking it.)

Chandler: See? Now, that’s why only the little fake men are supposed to do all the kicking.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the phone rings and Monica answers it as Rachel and Phoebe move a box into the living room.]
Monica: Hello? (Listens) Oh, hi Ross! (To Rachel) See? Other people call me!
Rachel: Ooh, your brother. Score!

Monica: (on phone) What’s up?

Ross: Oh, I’m just over here with Ben. I thought we’d say hi.

Monica: Oh, put him on!

Ross: Ben, say hi to Aunt Monica. (He holds the phone to the fake Ben he has created out of a pumpkin.) Oh, I guess he doesn’t feel like talking right now. He’s smiling though! Okay, talk to you later.

[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom, Rachel is entering carrying two glasses of wine. She gives one to Phoebe, keeps one, and completely ignores Monica.]
Phoebe: Yeah, I think it was better when you guys were sad. Hey, uh, remember the roller blades?
Rachel: You know what else I’m not gonna miss? "I’m Monica. I wash the toilet 17 times a day. Even if people are on it!"

Monica: "Hi I’m Rachel, is my sweater too tight? No? Oh, I’d better wash it and shrink it!"

Rachel: "I’m Monica, I don’t get phone messages from interesting people. Ever!"

Phoebe: Hey! I call her!

Monica: "Oh my God, I love Ross! I hate Ross! I love Ross! I hate Ross!"

Rachel: "Oh my God, I can’t find a boyfriend! So I guess I’ll just stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find in there!"

(Monica picks up one of those boxes of hair curling things, dumps it in a box, and storms out.)

Phoebe: Yeah, we should get a move on if we wanna make those dinner reservations. (Phoebe dumps a drawer full of makeup into a box.)

Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is examining the broken foosball table as Chandler enters from his room.]
Chandler: Still broken?
Joey: This sucks man! The last night you’re here and I lose the two most important things in my life, the foosball table and $500.

Chandler: Well, there are other ways of winning back your money, how about a little uh, a little Blackjack? (Holds up a deck of cards.)

Joey: Nah, not my game.

Chandler: Okay, uh, how about, how about—y’know what? We could play a new game. A new game, it’s fun.

Joey: Well, what’s it called?

Chandler: Cups.

Joey: I don’t know how to play Cups.

Chandler: I’ll teach ya! Come on, come on, it’s really easy and really, really fun.

Joey: All right.

Chandler: Okay, here you go. (He deals out two cards each.) I have two queens, what do you have?

Joey: A two and a five.

Chandler: Ho-ho, you win! 50 dollars!

Joey: Really?!

Chandler: Oh yeah! Okay, let’s play again. (He deals out two cards each again.) What do you got?

Joey: A four and a nine.

Chandler: You’re kidding right?

Joey: No. Why?

Chandler: Well that’s a full cup! (Pays him again.)

Joey: Damn! I am good at Cups!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is whining to Phoebe about Rachel.]
Monica: I’m not talking to her!
Phoebe: Well, one of you has to take the first step! And it should be you, because she’s the one who’s leaving. It’s harder for her!

Monica: Well, maybe you’re right—She made fun of my phone pen!

Phoebe: I know, I took it hard too.

(Monica goes into Rachel’s room.)

Monica: Listen Rachel, I feel really bad about—What are you doing? (She sees that Rachel is unpacking.)

Rachel: I’m unpacking!

Monica: What?!

Rachel: I’m not moving! (She re-hangs a picture, crookedly.) Is that picture straight?

Monica: It needs to go about 20 blocks to the left!

Rachel: Hey, y’know what? You’re the one who wants to make this big change and move in with Chandler! You should be the one to go! Why should I have to leave?!

Monica: Because it’s my apartment!

Rachel: Well it’s mine too! What else you got?!

Monica: How about, you’re moving!! (Grabs a bunch of clothes and throws them into a box. What follows is a brief sequence of Rachel unpacking and Monica packing the same stuff over and over again as Rachel chants "No." and Monica chants "Yes.")

Rachel: Look! This is ridiculous. We should be packing you!! (She knocks over Monica, grabs a box, and runs into the kitchen.)

Phoebe: Hey, how are you guys doing?

Rachel: Great! Monica’s moving!

Monica: (entering) I am not!

Rachel: Oh really?! Then how come all your stuff is in this box?! (Monica starts chasing Rachel around the table.)

Phoebe: Okay, you guys. You guys I think I know what’s going on here. Okay, you guys… STOP!! (They stop.) I know that, I know that you’re acting mad because you think that it’ll make it easier to leave. But deep down you’re still really sad. Deep-deep down.

Monica: No Phoebe I am mad!

Phoebe: Well, deep-deep-deep down!

Rachel: Yeah, I’m just mad!

Phoebe: Then keep running. (They resume the chase.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they’re still playing Cups.]
Chandler: You win.
Joey: Well, what did you have?

Chandler: It doesn’t matter because nothing beats a three and a six. That my friend is D-Cup. Okay, now much have you won so far?

Joey: Uh, (counts the money) wow, 700.

Chandler: Not 700 exactly?

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Double it! (He does.)

Joey: What?

Chandler: Well you see in Cups, once you get $700, you have to double it.

Joey: Really?

Chandler: Hey, I didn’t make up the rules. Now, after you receive the doubling bonus, you get uh, one card. Now that one card could be worth $100 bringing your total to 1,500. (Joey gets excited.) Don’t get to excited because that’s not gonna happen unless you get—No way! (He takes the top card, which is the two of clubs. Of course, any card would’ve won. Chandler pays him.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica carries a box out of Rachel’s room.]
Monica: Well, this is the last box of your clothes. I’m just gonna label it, "What were you thinking?"
Rachel: Funny, because I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on Chandler.

Phoebe: Hey you guys, I don’t mean to make things worse, but umm, I don’t want to live with Rachel anymore.

Monica and Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: You’re just so mean to each other! And I don’t want to end up like that with Rachel. I still like you!

Rachel: Well, Phoebe that’s fine because I’m not moving.

Monica: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Phoebe you gotta take her! Y’know I-I-I said some really bad stuff about her, but y’know Rachel has some good qualities that make her a good roommate.

Rachel: Oh really? Like what Monica?

Monica: Y’know she has 147,000 pairs of boots…

Rachel: Oh yeah, good start Mon.

Monica: She lets you borrow them.

Rachel: Yeah and you stretch ‘em out with your big old clown feet.

Monica: Do you wanna live outside?! Because it’s gettin’ cold! (To Phoebe) She gets tons of catalogs and umm, she’ll fold down the pages of the things she thinks that I’d like.

Phoebe: What else?

Monica: When I take a shower, she leaves me little notes on the mirror.

Rachel: Yeah, I do. I-I do, do that.

Phoebe: That’s nice. I like having things to read in the bathroom.

Monica: When I fall asleep on the couch after reading, she covers me over with a blanket.

Rachel: Well y’know, I don’t want you to be cold.

Monica: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. (To Rachel) (Starts to cry) You were so great. You made it so easy. And now you have to leave. And I have to live with a boy!! (They both break down in tears.)

Rachel: Oh, it’s gonna be fine.

Phoebe: Okay Rachel, I can’t wait to live with you! And you know what we should do? Bring Monica and then we could all live there together! We’ll have so much fun!!

Rachel: But honey, I think she’s moving in with Chandler.

Phoebe: Oh that’s right. You’re still set on that?

Monica: Kinda. (She hugs Phoebe and looks out the window. She moves closer to it to get a better look.) Oh my God!

[Cut to Ross’s apartment, he’s watching TV and eating some popcorn as the phone rings.]

Ross: (answering the phone) Hello? (Listens) Hey Mon, how’s the packing going? (Listens) Ben? He’s fine. Yeah, he’s right—Oh my God! (He looks over at the fake Ben and notices that the head has fallen off.) Get your head of your shirt there son! (He tries to push the pumpkin through the neck hole.) What? (Listens) Yeah, it’s a pumpkin. I’ll come pack.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, (Ohh, that’s the last time I’m ever gonna type that line. It’s just so sad.) Joey is entering, angrily.]
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: What’s wrong?

Joey: Ross and I were helping the girls pack, took a little break, I lost $1,500 to him in Cups!

Chandler: Wh-How did you lose at Cups?!

Joey: The same way you lost. I started out with a King and a Queen, bamn! Ross gets a 2 and a 3. Then I get a Jack and a King, boom! Ross gets a 4 and a 5! Ross was getting the Cup card, the D-Cup, the Sittin’ Down Bonus! Meanwhile, I didn’t even get half a cup! Nothin’!!

Chandler: Oh man!!

Joey: And he never played before either! Y’know what I think? I think beginner’s luck, very important in Cups.

Chandler: All right, let’s play one more hand! One more!

Joey: No, no, no more! I cannot lose another dime! I’m serious this time! In-in fact, look, there’s a—I wanna give you something. And let me give it too you know before I pawn it for Cups money. (He rolls the big white dog over) Now, I want you to have the big white dog as a kinda of a, y’know, thank you for being such a great roommate.

Chandler: I can’t take the big white dog! You love it!

Joey: It’s him, not it!

Chandler: No, but wait—what if I bought it from you, y’know? And your nice gesture would be giving it to me at a reasonable price, say (Gets choked up) $1,500?

Joey: Wait a second, I see what you’re trying to do here! You-you’re trying to give me money again!

Chandler: When did I try to give you money?

Joey: Over there! (Points to the couch) Before, with the bills! You tried to give some charity, I said "No," you dropped it. Okay? Then we had a nice last night together, we had some fun, we gambled, nobody tried to give anybody any money! Now out of the blue, you start with the charity thing again!

Chandler: I’m just trying to help you out! Okay? I wanna make sure that you’re okay.

Joey: I will be okay! Look Chandler, you gotta get it out of your head that I can’t take care of myself. Okay? Look, I’m not gonna miss you helping me out with money. The only thing that I’m gonna miss…is you. And now the dog.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, (And that’s the last time for that line, no more Chandler and Joey’s or Monica and Rachel’s, ever!) Joey and Ross are carrying the last table of Rachel’s. Rachel follows slowly, but is stopped by Monica.]
Monica: Hey. Call me when you get there. Okay?
Rachel: Okay.

Monica: I’m really gonna miss you.

(They hug.)

Rachel: Oh! I have your key. Here you go. (Hands it to Monica.)

Monica: Thanks.

Rachel: Yeah.

(Silence ensues.)

Rachel: Oh God! This is silly, I’m gonna see you in a couple of hours! (They hug again.)

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: Bye house!

(They break the embrace.)

Rachel: Bye Mon.

Monica: Bye.

(Monica closes the door and slowly walks into Rachel’s old and now empty room.)

Chandler: (entering) Hey.

Monica: She really left.

Chandler: I know. (He kisses her.)

Monica: Thank you.

Chandler: No problem roomie. (She turns around and hugs him.)

Monica: Can I ask you a question?

Chandler: Sure!

Monica: What the hell is that dog doing here?! (She notices the dog sitting in the living room.)

(And with that, an era ends as Chandler moves in with Monica as Rachel moves in with Phoebe. It ‘tis a sad and happy time for Friends.)

Ending Credits
[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Chandler is trying to get Joey’s money back from Ross.]
Chandler: I invented the game of Cups as a way to give Joey money.
Ross: And now you want that money back.

Chandler: Exactly.

Ross: Chandler, what kind of an idiot do you take me for? (As he picks up the fake Ben.)

Chandler: It’s not a real game! I made it up!

Ross: I’m sorry you lost your money, but I won it fair and square.

Chandler: At a fake game!!

Ross: Now, if you wanna try to make some of it back, I’d be glad to play you for it. But I should warn you, I am very good at Cups.

Chandler: Okay! Now I assume the Saucer card came up when you played last.

Ross: No.

Chandler: Hmm, let’s see if it comes up this time. (He looks at his cards and shrugs.

Rachel: I cannot believe that you didn’t tell me that we are still married!!

Ross: Look I was going to tell you!

Rachel: When?! After the birth of our first secret child?! (To All) Ross didn’t get the annulment; we are still married.

Chandler: What?

Monica: You’re kidding!

Phoebe: (overdoing it) Oh my God!!

Monica: Ross!

Ross: Okay, maybe it wasn’t my best decision. But I just couldn’t face another failed marriage.

Chandler: Okay, let me just jump in and ask, at what point did you think this was a successful marriage?

Ross: Rach, come on, if you think about it, it’s actually kinda funny. (He laughs, and he laughs alone.) Okay, maybe it’s best not to think about it.

Phoebe: Okay, this is inexcusable. I am shocked to my very core!

Ross: Phoebe, I told her you already knew.

Phoebe: Another lie. You have a sickness!

Chandler: Ross, just for my own piece of mind, you’re not married to anymore of us are ya?

Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Monica are at the counter getting some more coffee.]
Joey: Oh! Hey, somebody left their keys. (Looks at them) Ooohh, to a Porsche! {Transcriber’s note: Oh come on! Who would leave the keys to their Porsche behind? If I had a Porsche, I’d have the keys surgically attached to my hand!} Hey Gunther, these yours?
Gunther: Yeah, that’s what I drive. I make four bucks an hour, I saved up for 350 years!

Joey: Na-uh! (To everyone there) Hey did anybody lose their keys?

Monica: Joey, why don’t you put them in the lost and found?

Joey: There’s a lost and found? (Gunther sets the box up on the table.) My shoe! (Grabs it out of the box.)

Chandler: You left a shoe here?!

Joey: Well, I didn’t realize until I got home. I wasn’t gonna walk all the way back down here with one shoe! Y’know what? I’m gonna go find that guy’s car and leave a note on the windshield. (Goes to do so.)

Chandler: Oh good, when he comes back for his keys, I’ll be sure to give him your shoe.

Joey: Great! Thanks. (Exits.)

Phoebe: (coming in from the bathroom) Oh, good, good, you guys are here! Listen, how would like to spend tomorrow taking care of three incredibly cute little puppies?!

Monica: Oh my God, what a fun day! That sounds great!

Chandler: (not enthused) Yeah, all right.

Phoebe: Okay, well I’ll bring them by tomorrow morning. Okay, and uh, by the way, they’re not actually puppies, they’re Frank and Alice’s triplets. Okay, see ya! (Exits.)

Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! What?

Phoebe: (stops) Please! Please! Please! Please! Oh please! Please! Please! Frank and Alice asked me to baby sit the triplets and I’m nervous ‘cause I’ve never done that before by myself!

Monica: Don’t worry about it Phoebe, we’ll absolutely do it.

Chandler: Yeah, I’m gonna pass. ‘Cause I was kinda iffy when it was puppies.

Monica: Come on Chandler, come on! It’ll give us great practice for when—(realizes what she’s about to say and changes)—people with babies come to visit.

[Scene: The street down the block from Central Perk, Joey has found the Porsche and is writing the note.]
Guy #1: Nice car!
Joey: Yeah, it’s not mine.

Woman: (walking up) I love your car.

Joey: Yeah, it’s (looks up and sees the woman) mine.

Woman: I bet it’s fast.

Joey: Me too! Yeah. And comfortable. Do uh, do you like leather seats?

Woman: Yeah!

Joey: (checks in the window to make sure it has them) It’s got ‘em!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are having tea.]
Rachel: So, I still have boxes here. I still have boxes at Ross’s, and I have nowhere to live! Wow. I could so easily freak out right now.
Phoebe: What about me? I just found out that Denise is leaving town for a while, I don’t have a roommate.

Rachel: Well, maybe-maybe I could be your roommate Pheebs.

Phoebe: Maybe you could be my roommate!

Rachel: Well there’s an idea!!

Phoebe: Yeah!

Rachel: That would be great! Wait, how long is Denise gone for?

Phoebe: Umm, she said she’d be back December 26th.

Rachel: December 26th, huh maybe she’s Santa Clause.

(Phoebe laughs, then stops to think about it. Ross enters.)

Rachel: (deadpan) Oh look who it is, my husband. The apple of my eye.

Ross: Okay, I got us a court date for tomorrow at 2:00 and I picked up all the forms. I’ll take care of everything.

Rachel: Well sure, if you say you’re gonna take care of everything I have no reason to doubt you. Give me those forms! (Grabs them from him.) All right, now I’m gonna do this my way and I don’t want to hear a peep out of you!

Ross: Okay Rach, but…

Rachel: Op! You’re peeping!

(Ross grunts something and hands her the pen he was trying to hand her.)

Rachel: Ross! Y’know what, I just got—why? Why did you do this?!

Ross: Look I told you…

Rachel: I don’t wanna hear "Three failed marriages!"

Ross: Look, if you’d had two failed marriages, you’d understand!

Rachel: Well, y’know what? Thanks to you I’m half way there! Ugh! Oh! I am so mad! Ross, I don’t think I have ever been this angry!

Ross: What about the time I said we were on a break?

Rachel: Ugh! (Stares at him.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are baby-sitting the triplets. They each have one baby.]
Monica: Pheebs, how’s it going?
Phoebe: (rapidly) I’m doing okay. I think it’s going well. Do you think they’re having fun? Am I talking to fast?

Monica: Nope, sound like me. Pheebs, it’s going great. Look at Chandler with little baby girl Chandler.

Chandler: Little baby girl Chandler, where I have heard that before? Oh right, Coach Ruben. (Tries to get her to drink a little more from the bottle when he suddenly smells something. It’s times like these I’m glad Smell-O-Vision hasn’t been invented.) Do you know what Pheebs? When you’re done over there, we kinda have a situation over here too. (Phoebe is changing hers.)

Phoebe: Na-uh, no, we are all responsible for our own babies.

Chandler: See that’s where I think that you’re wrong. We’ve been playing these babies man for man; we should really be playing a zone defense.

Monica: What do you mean?

Chandler: I just think that things would go a lot smoother if we each have our own zone. Phoebe, you can be in charge of wiping. And y’know Mon, you can be in charge of diapering and I can be in charge of looking how cute they are when they put their hands around… (He degrades into baby talk, but he means when they grab his finger.)

Phoebe: That sounds really great, but maybe you should be in charge of wiping.

Chandler: Okay, I’m a rookie. I should not be in the end zone.

[Time lapse, they have set up a little assembly line for diaper changes. Phoebe wipes, Chandler adds the powder, begrudgingly, and Monica puts the diaper on.]

Monica: This is so great! This is exactly how we set the plates at the restaurant.

Phoebe: Yeah? (Checking the final diaper) Well this is not what I ordered.

Joey: (entering) Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Hey babies! Oh, I’m having the best morning. That uh, that Porsche I’ve got the keys too, still there!

Chandler: Shocking! Since you still have the keys.

Joey: You should see the treatment I get when I’m with that car! People are friendly; they-they wanna talk, and not just about the car! One guy gave me advice about my equity investments.

Chandler: What equity investments?

Joey: The ones that got me the Porsche! Will you keep up! (Chandler wipes his forehead with a baby wipe, that might have been used. He drops it disgustedly.) But I figured, if-if people keep seeing me just standing there, they’re gonna start to think that I don’t own it. So I figured I’ll wash it. Right? Monica, you got a bucket and some soap I can borrow?

Monica: Oh yeah, I got soap and sponges and rags and Carnuba wax and polishing compound.

Chandler: You don’t even have a car!

Monica: I know. But umm, one time there was this really dirty car in front of the building, so I washed it.

Chandler: And?

Monica: And six others.

Chandler: There you are.

[Scene: The Porsche, Joey is finishing up washing the car and is talking to a guy about the car.]
Joey: Yeah, she tops out at 130.
Guy #2: Wow!

Joey: And that’s just in the city. I get her up to 160 when I take her upstate.

Guy #2: Really! You got a place upstate?

Joey: Sure!

Guy #2: Well, I’ll see you later.

Joey: Okay, take it easy.

The Porsche Owner: Hey! That’s my car.

Joey: Really? Oh uh, oh just give me five more minutes with it.

The Porsche Owner: What-what are you doing?

Joey: Oh I-I uh, found the keys and now I’m just polishing her up.

The Porsche Owner: But it’s my car!

Joey: Yeah, but it’s my wax.

The Porsche Owner: Listen, I-I-I don’t come to this city much so I don’t know if you’re crazy or this is some kind of street theater, but could I have my keys.

Joey: Sure. Here. (He hands them over.) I’ll uh, save your parking spot.

The Porsche Owner: I’m not coming back.

Joey: Why not?

The Porsche Owner: I live upstate.

Joey: Yeah, so did I.

(The guy gets in and drives off.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the triplets are all in their crib as Monica and Phoebe watch them.]
Phoebe: I don’t know why I was so nervous about this. And I don’t know why Frank and Alice are always complaining. This is so easy.
Monica: Yeah, two hours, a lifetime that’s the same.

Chandler: (entering) Check it out! Check it out! When the babies wake up, they can meet Krog! (He holds up this Xena-like warrior action figure.)

Monica: Chandler, what are you doing? That thing can put someone’s eye out!

Chandler: He can do more than that! He can destroy the universe!

Phoebe: No Chandler, they can swallow one of those little parts! And also, look at his smooth area, that’s just gonna mess them up.

Chandler: They’re not gonna swallow anything, you guys are being way over protective. When I was a kid, my mom used to just throw me into a pile of broken glass!

Phoebe: What?!

Chandler: Glass, sand, whatever. (Walks out as Monica and Phoebe turn to check on the babies again.)

Phoebe: Oh, look at little Leslie stretching in her sleep.

Monica: Oh it’s so cute. I wonder what age it is when you stop being able to put both legs over your head.

Phoebe: Oh, I can still do that.

Monica: How are you still single?!

Chandler: (entering) All right. (Clears throat) I thought about it and maybe you’re right. Maybe Krog is not a safe toy.

Monica: Good. What made you change your mind?

Chandler: I swallowed the sonic blaster gun.

Phoebe: How did that happen?!!

Chandler: Well, I was trying to prove that I was right. Y’know? And it turns out I was wrong. And now it’s lodged in my throat. (Mimics a cat trying to cough up a hairball.) (He does it again.)

Monica: Damnit! Y’know this whole time we were concentrating on watching the babies and, and no one was watching Chandler! (He does it again.)

[Scene: A judge’s chambers, Rachel and Ross are filing their annulment papers.]
Judge: Okay you two are asking the court for an annulment?
Rachel: Yes your honor, and here are, are forms, all filled out.

Judge: So based on your petition you are seeking an annulment on the grounds that Mr. Geller is mentally unstable.

Ross: Fine, I’m mentally unstable.

Judge: And based on the fact that Mr. Geller is intravenous drug user.

Ross: What?!

Rachel: Uh yes, heroin and crack.

Ross: Crack isn’t even an intravenous drug!

Rachel: Well, you would know.

Judge: Now it also says here that you lied about your sexual preference before marriage?

Ross: Oh, come on!

Rachel: (starts to cry) Ross, please, I found the magazines!

Judge: And finally that you were unable to consummate the marriage. Well, that makes sense since you’re gay and addicted to heroin.

Ross: Okay, I’m sorry, this is insane! I-I-I’m not addicted to heroin, I’m not gay, and there is no problem with my ability to consummate anything! Look, I’ll consummate this marriage right here, right now!

Judge: That won’t be necessary.

Ross: And when we were dating we consummated like bunnies!

Rachel: Ugh!

Judge: Now if you were two involved in a serious relationship, that really creates a problem.

Rachel: Ross! Your honor, rest assured relationship ended like two years ago! (To the stenographer) And could you strike "Consummated like bunnies" from the record?

Judge: Is there, anything in this record that is actually true?

Rachel: Well, yes, we got married in Vegas and uh, and the names I think.

Judge: Well, based on what I heard, you two certainly don’t qualify for an annulment. If you two don’t want to be together you’ll have to file for divorce.

Ross: (stands up) That’s great! Are you happy now? Look what you did with your funny, funny form!

Rachel: (stands up as well) What?! Me?! What about you and your consummated like bunnies nonsense!

Ross: And what—(notices the stenographer is still typing)—What are you typing that for? Did you hear what she said? We don’t get the annulment. Don’t type that! What?! Stop typing! (He goes over to where the stenographer is typing and in the process pushes Rachel out of his way.) Hey! Stop typing! (He’s still typing.) Stop typing! Stop typing!!

Rachel: (to the judge) Okay, do you see, do you see what you’re keeping me married too?!

Judge: You need to get out of my chambers.

Rachel: All right look lady here is the deal, I came here for an annulment and I am not leaving here until I get one!

Ross: Yeah!

Judge: Would you like to spend the night in jail?

Rachel: And thank you for your time. (They both beat a hasty retreat.)

Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is still doing the hairball thing as Monica and Phoebe are watching the babies. I can’t describe it, you’ll have to see it when it comes on in your area.]
Joey: (entering wearing nothing but Porsche clothes) So the Porsche guy took his car back.
Chandler: But you found the keys to his clothes?

Joey: No. No, I just uh, I just loved the way it feels when everybody thinks I own a Porsche.

Monica: And people will think you own a Porsche because you’re wearing the clothes?

Joey: Of course! Only an idiot would wear this stuff if you didn’t have the car! Right?

Chandler: That is true.

Phoebe: Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gun.

Joey: Oh, I’ve been there. Yeah, I am gonna go drive my Porsche. (Starts to leave.)

Monica: Joey, you know you don’t actually have one.

Joey: Come on! What are you doing?! I’m in character! Would you talk to her! (Storms out.)

Chandler: Ahh, I think it just moved. It’s really poking me.

Monica: All right, that’s it, we’re going to the emergency room.

Phoebe: What?! No, you can’t, you can’t leave me here with them! We’re baby-sitting!

Monica: The babies are asleep, I’m sure you’ll be okay on your own for a while!

Phoebe: But you-you can’t leave me with them! We-we’re a team! We’re playing a zone! They’re gonna triple team me!

Monica: He’s got something plastic lodged in his throat, we’ve got to go to the hospital.

Phoebe: But no, because a doctor won’t be able to help him, it’s just gonna y’know naturally pass through his system in like seven years.

Chandler: I think that’s gum.

Phoebe: I’m pretty sure it’s gun.

Chandler: Okay, listen this really hurts. Let’s go.

Phoebe: A real man wouldn’t just run to the hospital! (They don’t stop.) No! What would, what would Krog do? (They ignore her and Phoebe is left alone.)

[Scene: The street, Joey is hanging out wearing his Porsche grab.]
Joey: Why isn’t that valet back with my Porsche?
Passerby: Maybe because you’ve got the keys?

Joey: (to women passing him) Porsche.

(Ross and Rachel approach, they’re still yelling at each other.)

Rachel: This is totally your fault!

Ross: My fault?! You threatened the judge!

Rachel: Well, you ripped the paper out of the court reporter’s machine!!

Ross: That was the only way I could get him to stop typing!

Joey: Hi! How are the Gellers?

Rachel: Don’t call us that! (Storms away)

Ross: The judge wouldn’t let us get an annulment! Now we gotta get a divorce!! Did a Porsch throw up on you? (Walks on.)

Joey: Hey! It’s Porsche!! (He’s right y’know.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is being triple teamed.]
Phoebe: Me taking care of you is no problem, huh? You guys feel safe. Right? Okay, I’m gonna take that spit bubble as, "Yeah, I do!" Okay, after I get rid of this dirty diaper Leslie, I’ll set you up with a clean one. (She throws it at the garbage without looking, misses, and knocks over a vase and flowers, which fall to the floor and break.) Okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just have to clean that up. Okay? ‘Cause let’s face it, we’re at Monica’s. (She crawls over, disposes of the diaper, picks up the flowers, and the vase.) I broke it. All right. Well, that’s just the way that goes. (She throws out both the flowers and the vase.) Okay, good. (She turns around and only counts two babies.) Why are there only two of you? Where is Leslie? Well, you can’t answer. (She starts looking for her) Leslie? Where are you Leslie? Leslie, now would be a good time for your first words! (She turns around and finds that Leslie has managed to crawl into the bottom drawer of the TV cabinet.) Well, look at you! Hey! You are a little bit mischievous! My gosh! (She picks her up and notices a surprise is waiting in the drawer.) Oh, you’re a lot mischievous! Well, it’ll dry. (Closes the drawer with her foot.) (To Leslie) Okay, you sit with your brother and sister now—who aren’t there! (They both have disappeared as well.)
[Time Lapse, the babies are finally asleep. Good for Phoebe! The only problem is, Monica’s apartment looks like a tornado, a hurricane, a swarm of locusts, fire, brimstone, hail, and giant man-eating, radioactive ants have torn the place apart. Needless to say, it’s messy enough to cause Monica to die of shock right away. Parents with small children know what I’m talking about.]

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: (exhausted) How do you feel?

Chandler: Well, let’s just say that Krog will be fully equipped to destroy the universe again in twelve to fourteen hours.

Phoebe: Okay, so I totally took care of the babies all by myself! I fed ‘em, bathed ‘em, and put ‘em to bed.

Chandler: And protected them from a tornado?

(Monica enters and her jaw drops in horror.)

Monica: Oh my God.

Phoebe: I know, the babies are asleep.

Monica: Phoebe, what, what happened here?!

Phoebe: I did it! I took care of the babies all by myself!

Monica: But my apartment!

Chandler: Was the setting of Phoebe’s triumph.

Monica: But the mess!

Chandler: Is not as important as the fact that Phoebe took care of the babies all by herself.

Monica: You’re right, you’re right I shouldn’t freak out. ‘Cause this is what will happen when you and I have babies! When will that be?!

Chandler: (pause) Phoebe, would you take a look at this mess!!!!

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Rachel is packing what she still has over there as Ross enters.]
Rachel: (deadpan) Oh honey thank God you’re home, I was getting worried.
Ross: I picked up the divorce papers. Uh, I’ve already signed everything and I put little ‘X’s where you need to sign.

Rachel: Oh, little ‘X’s! Great! That makes up for everything!

Ross: Y’know, I-I—you’ve done a lot of stupid stuff too! Okay?

Rachel: Oh, name one stupid thing that is as stupid as this one!

Ross: Okay, how about you flew to London to stop my wedding! Ah, how about you told me you loved me after I was already married!

Rachel: Hey! Wait a minute! That was different! I did those things because I was in love with you!

Ross: Yeah! Right!

(Pause.)

Ross: You’re right. That’s very different. So let’s, let’s just sign the papers. All right? (Sits down and Rachel keeps standing there.) What?

Rachel: Nothing. (Sits down.)

Ross: Okay, can we just sign please?

Rachel: Uh-hmm. (Just as Rachel finishes signing her name, Ross yanks each page out of the way.)

Ross: Congratulations. (Gets up to leave.)

Rachel: Okay Ross, we’re—wait a minute. Umm, I uh, I kinda have a little confession.

Ross: What?

Rachel: Well, y’know this whole marriage thing, kinda my idea.

Ross: Excuse me?

Rachel: Well, remember how we were too drunk to remember anything the night we were married?

Ross: Yeah?

Rachel: And uh, yeah, I didn’t really, I didn’t want to say anything, but it kinda it just, it kinda kept coming back to me, and umm, remember we were in the casino and for some reason thought it would be funny to eat a lot of grapes. And uh, and I thought it would be funnier if we got married. So as a, as a compromise we decided first to get married, and then (Ross joins in) to eat a lot of grapes. So umm, sorry I got us into this mess.

Ross: So then if-if—I mean if you think about it, this is all (Pause.) your fault.

Rachel: Yeah, don’t push it though.

Ross: I’ve got to say; I know I divorce a lot of women, never thought I would be divorcing you.

Rachel: I know. I always thought if you and I got married, it would be the one that stuck. And it wouldn’t be a secret, and we wouldn’t have our wedding dinner at Pizza Hut. (They both laugh.)

Ross: Did I, did I even treat?

Rachel: No, it was on the house, it was, it was a newlywed special.

Ross: That may be the most depressing thing I’ve heard in my life. I should probably get these to my lawyer’s office.

Rachel: Hey, thanks Ross, for taking care of all of this.

Ross: Eh, no problem.

(They hug.)

Rachel: I’m gonna need a copy of those.

Ross: Totally. (Exits.)

Ending Credits
[Scene: The street, Joey is messing with a car cover and still wearing the Porsche stuff. This guy playing street football catches a pass next to the car cover Joey is fooling around with.]
Joey: Hey! Hey! Be careful around my Porsche!
Woman: (the same one from before approaches) Hi Joey.

Joey: Hey! How you doin’?

Woman: (to her friend) He has the most amazing Porsche under there!

Joey: I’d love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. She’s sleeping. (The women both laugh) Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just then the same guy with the football dives to make a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses it. It turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to make it look like a Porsche.

Rachel: So, which of this kitchen stuff is mine?

Monica: This bottle opener. (She grabs it off of the freezer door.)

Rachel: And?

Monica: And it’s a magnet!

Rachel: Look at that!

Ross: How weird is that? Y’know? You’re moving in with me and have the one thing I don’t have. It’s like uh, in a way you-you complete me (Phoebe glares at him) kitchen.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: (in an Australian accent) You complete me kitchen, matey!

Phoebe: Ross, I know what you’re thinking.

Ross: What?

Phoebe: That she’s gonna move in with you and maybe then she’ll fall in love with you and then when she finds out you’re already married, she’ll just be happy. Y’know? You’re just, you’re very sad.

Ross: Oh…my…God! I-I see what this is! You are in love with Rachel!

Phoebe: What?!!

Ross: Of course! It all adds up! I mean you you’re obsessed with her. It’s always, "Ross, what are you gonna do about Rachel?" "Ross, why-why are you moving in with Rachel?" "When are you gonna confess your secret marriage to Rachel?" You want her!

Phoebe: No! (Ross’s phone rings.)

Ross: (answering it) Uh-oh, saved by the bell. (On phone) Hello?

[Cut to the living room where Monica is helping pack a box.]

Monica: Hey Rach, aren’t these candlesticks (holds up a pair) mine?

Rachel: No-no, I bought those.

Monica: Ohh! Yeah, I forgot.

Rachel: Yeah. (Rachel walks away.)

Monica: (under her breath) That you’re a liar. (Hides the candlesticks in a drawer.)

Ross: (on phone) No-no-no, that’s great! I’ll be there Monday. And thank you again! (Listens) Okay. (Hangs up) (To All) Umm, that was the head of the Paleontology department at N uh, Y, uh U!

Monica: Wow! Uh what, did he uh, say?

Ross: Well remember that paper I had published last year on sediment flow rate, huh? They loved it.

Rachel: Well, who wouldn’t?!

Ross: I know! Anyway, they asked me to be a guest lecturer! I mean it’s temporary, but uh, if they like me it could lead to a full time job. How great would that look great on a mailbox, huh? "Professor Geller."

Phoebe: Yeah, Professor and Mrs.

Rachel: And Mrs.?!

Phoebe: Oh! Yeah, y’know you and Ross are still married.

Rachel: What?!!

Phoebe: Just kidding!

Rachel: Ohh! Oh God! (Laughs her way into the living room.)

Phoebe: (To Ross) Saved your ass.

Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are all there as Phoebe enters dejectedly.]
Chandler: Hey!
Phoebe: Hi.

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: Oh, what’s the matter?

Phoebe: Well, you know that psychic I see?

Chandler: Yeah?

Phoebe: Well, she told me that I’m gonna die this week, so I’m kinda bummed about that.

Chandler: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah, and I know you guys don’t know a lot about psychic readings, but that one is pretty much the worse one you can get.

Monica: Phoebe that’s crazy!

Joey: I can’t believe she would say that too you.

Rachel: Yeah honey you don’t believe her do you?

Phoebe: I don’t—she said y’know that I’d have triplets! But she also said one of them would be black.

Chandler: Just out of curiosity did she tell you how you’re gonna go?

Phoebe: No, ‘cause she didn’t tell me I was gonna die until the very end of the session, and I was not gonna waste a whole another hour there! I mean I’ve only got a week left, y’know? I’ve really gotta start living now! (So she picks up the latest copy of Car and Driver (a U.S. auto magazine), leans back, and starts reading.)

Ross: (entering) Hey everyone!

Chandler: Oh hi!

Ross: Hey uh, well, today’s my first lecture and I kinda wanted to try it out on you guys, do you, do you mind?

(They pause to think about it.)

All: Oh that’d be great. Sure!

Ross: (he starts reading directly from his cards word for word very quietly) "There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. Each of these theories can be further subcategorized into two distinct…"

Phoebe: Oh, this is it. This what’s gonna kill me.

Ross: (continuing) "…subcategories. The first of these subcategories is…"

Joey: (interrupting him) Uh Ross! Are there uh, are there naked chicks on that piece of paper?

Ross: No! Why?

Joey: Well, I’ve just never seen a guy stare so hard at a piece of paper that didn’t have naked chicks on it.

Ross: Ohh! Okay! Okay. (Resumes reading word for word from the card) "There are three (pauses and looks at Joey) primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. (Pauses and darts his eyes between Chandler and Rachel.) (Rachel starts laughing) Each of these theories (glances at Phoebe) can be further subcategorized (glances at Chandler) into…"

Chandler: Why don’t you open with a joke?

Ross: Open with a joke? It’s a university, not a comedy club!

Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You’re not talking about Chuckles University?!

Ross: (gets up) Okay!

All: Ohh! We’re kidding! Oh, we’re kidding!

Rachel: Ross, hey you know what might make it less boring?

Ross: Thank you!

Rachel: Some uh, some visual aides.

Joey: Oh-ooh-ooh! Y’know what’s a good visual aide?

Ross: Please don’t say naked chicks.

Joey: Why not?!

Ross: I-I-I don’t even know why I bother to talk to you guys about it. Y’know what? I’m just gonna do it on my own with no naked chicks.

Chandler: That’s the way I did it ‘til I was 19.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is playing that string game with the two hands and the weird crossing patterns as Chandler enters with the mail.]
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey! Any good mail?

Chandler: Yes, you got something from the Screen Actor’s Guild.

Joey: Ooh, it’s probably a residual check, hey can you open it for me, I’m kinda….

Chandler: (opens and reads it) "Benefits lapsed."

Joey: Hmm that’s weird. I don’t remember being in a move called benefits lapsed.

Chandler: Okay, it’s not a check. They’re saying your health insurance expired because, you didn’t work enough last year.

Joey: Let me see that!

Chandler: All right.

Joey: (reads it) Oh, I can’t believe this! This sucks! When I had insurance I could get hit by a bus or catch on fire, y’know? And it wouldn’t matter. Now I gotta be careful?!

Chandler: I’m sorry man, there’s never a good time to (pauses) stop catching on fire.

Joey: All right well, I guess I gotta go get a job. I’m gonna go see my agent.

Chandler: Okay, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.

Joey: (mocks him, in a whiney voice) …look both ways before you cross the street. (Turns and walks headlong into the closed door.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe enters to find Rachel still packing.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hey Pheebs, you’re still alive! How are you doing?

Phoebe: Ugh, it’s so exhausting waiting for death. Ohh, by the way, do you think you could—(Groans, hacks, and then freezes with her eyes open and her tongue hanging out.)

Rachel: Pheebs, what-what are you doing?

Phoebe: I was preparing you for my—didn’t you think I was dead? Did that not come off?

Rachel: Oh yeah, scared the hell out of me. I thought we’d lost you forever. Pheebs, you lie down?

Phoebe: Yeah, thanks. And listen, can you do me a favor? Could you just umm, wake me up in a couple hours, y’know if you can.

(Phoebe goes and lies down as Rachel opens the drawer Monica hid the candlesticks in and as Monica walks out of her room.)

Rachel: Monica!

Monica: Hmm? (Rachel holds up the candlesticks.)

Rachel: Did-did you take these back?

Monica: No-no, I-I just, I liked them so much that I went out and bought some for myself.

Rachel: Oh yeah, they’re really great! Aren’t they?

Monica: I loved them!

Rachel: Yeah. (Monica walks away) Nice try! (Rachel puts them in a box.)

Ross: (entering) Hello!

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Monica: How’d the lecture go?

Ross: It went great! And I didn’t need any jokes or naked chicks either!

Rachel: Wow, that’s great Ross, I’m sorry we weren’t more supportive before.

Ross: I knew all I had to do was let the material speak for itself. Everyone’s all, "Ross you have to be funny and sexy." Well, I proved them wrong! And now, I’m gonna pass the news onto Joey and Chandler.

Monica: That you’re not funny or sexy?

Ross: That’s right!

[Scene: Estelle Leonard Theatrical Agency, Joey is there to see his agent.]
Joey: (entering) Hey Estelle, listen…
Estelle: Well! Well! Well! Joey Tribbiani! So you came back huh? They think they can do better but they all come crawling back to Estelle!

Joey: What are you talkin’ about? I never left you! You’ve always been my agent!

Estelle: Really?!

Joey: Yeah!

Estelle: Oh well, no harm, no foul.

Joey: Estelle, you gotta get me some work. I-I lost my health insurance.

Estelle: All right, first thing we gotta do, damage control.

Joey: Why?

Estelle: Well, I think uhh, someone out there may have been bad mouthing you all over town.

Joey: Bastard!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor.]
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: (in obvious pain) Hey! So Estelle lined up a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow and I’ll have my health insurance back in no time.

Chandler: That’s great, but shouldn’t you be on the toilet right now?

Joey: What?!

Chandler: What’s wrong with you?

Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven’t been able to stand up since. But um, I don’t think it’s anything serious.

Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to—you-you go to the doctor!

Joey: No way! ‘Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything it’s gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows Chandler.)

Chandler: That’s a hernia.

Joey: Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.) Damn you 15s!

[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Rachel and Monica are arriving to talk to Ross after the lecture, but are there early.]
Rachel: Well, we’re a little early, the lecture doesn’t end for 15 minutes.
Monica: Yeah, but y’know we could sneak in and watch.

Rachel: Yeah, we could. Oh hey look! There’s some Kappa Kappa Deltas! I was a Kappa. (to them) Hey sisters! (They ignore her.) (To Monica) Wow, we really are bitches.

(They enter the lecture hall to find Ross speaking in an English accent for some unknown reason.)

Ross: (to the class) Right! So when Rigby got his samples back from the laboratory he made a startling discovery! What he believed to be igneous, was in fact sedimentary. Imagine his consternation when—(sees Monica and Rachel.) Oh bloody hell.

Commercial Break
[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, the scene is continued from earlier, only Ross has dismissed the class and is now talking to Monica and Rachel.]
Monica: What the hell are you doing?!
Ross: Look, I was nervous! You guys had me all worried I was going to be boring! I got up there and they were all like staring at me. I opened my mouth and this British accent just came out.

Rachel: Yeah, and not a very good one.

Ross: Will you-will you please?

(Another professor walks down from the back of the lecture hall.)

The Professor: Dr. Geller, Kurt Rathman, I’m a professor in the paleontology department here.

Ross: Oh.

The Professor: Do you have a moment to talk about your lecture?

Ross: (in his British accent) I’m sorry, I’ve got plans with my sister.

Monica: (in an Irish accent) Monica Gellerrr. (She rolls her ‘R’)

Ross: (in accent) Right, will you excuse us for one moment? (Takes Monica aside.) (In his normal voice.) What are you doing?

Monica: (normal voice) Oh, you can have an accent and I can’t?! (To an exiting student in accent.) Top ‘O the morning to ya laddies!

Ross: Just please stop!

(They turn back to Rachel and Professor Rathman.)

Rachel: (in an Indian accent) Yes, yes, Bombay is bery, bery nice time of year.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading on the couch while Joey, still suffering from his hernia, is returning with coffee for them both. After a series of grunts and groans he manages to painfully walk back from the counter, sit down, and slide Chandler his coffee.]
Chandler: Hey, will you grab me a cruller? (Joey starts to groan and get up.) Sit down! Will you go to the hospital?!
Joey: Dude! Hernia operations cost like, a lot probably. Besides it’s getting darker and more painful, that means it’s healing.

Chandler: I will loan you the money. Just go to the hospital and let’s just get that thing…pushed back in.

Joey: Thank you, but it would take me forever to pay you that money back and I don’t want that hanging over my head. Okay? Besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in I can get all the free operations I want! Yeah, I’m thinking I’ll probably start with that laser eye surgery too.

(Phoebe enters.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: What’s going on?

Chandler: Oh Joey’s got a really bad hernia, but that’s nothing a little laser eye surgery won’t fix!

Joey: Look, I’m telling you if I put my hand on my stomach right here (He puts his hand down his pants, like Al Bundy on Married…With Children always used to do.) it doesn’t hurt that bad.

Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you’ll die!

Joey: Sure, now I’m scared.

Phoebe: No, we can go together! Just don’t wait too long though, okay? ‘Cause I’m outta here sometime before Friday.

Joey: Yeah, but I don’t wanna die!

Phoebe: No-no, it’ll be fun! We can come back and we can haunt these guys!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are having a tug-of-war over the disputed candlesticks.]
Monica: Gimme ‘em!
Rachel: No! They are mine!

Monica: You stole them from me!

Rachel: You stole them from me!!

Monica: Gimme them!

(With one last mighty tug the combatants lose their grip and split, each holding one candlestick.)

Monica: You just wanna each take one?

Rachel: Yeah that seems fair. We never use them.

Ross: (entering) Look, I really need some help, okay? Why? Why did I have to speak in a British accent?! What do I do?

Rachel: Well…

Monica: Why don’t you phase it out? Yeah, fade the accent out and people will think you’re, y’know, that you’re adjusting to life in America.

Rachel: Yeah, I mean, come on Ross, no one will even notice. I mean they’re probably not even listening!

Ross: They’re not listening too me?

Rachel: Of course they’re listening to you! Everybody listens to you.

Ross: Monica you really think I should try this phasing out thing?

Monica: I think you look fine.

[Scene: Casting Director #1’s office, Joey is on his first audition. His partner is an 8-year-old boy.]
Casting Director #1: Whenever you’re ready.
Joey: (in a gravely, painful voice) Okay. "Hey, Timmy, I’ve got a surprise for you."

Casting Director #1: Hold it. I’m sorry, the surprise is a new swing set, if you could play it a little less…intense?

Joey: Oh yeah, sure, no problem, I’ll just—hold on one second. (He turns around and puts his hand in his pants and groans in relief.) (In a relaxed voice.) "Hey Timmy, I’ve got a surprise for you!"

Casting Director #1: Oh my God!!

(Joey pulls his hand out and reverts back to intense pain.)

[Scene: Casting Director #2’s office, Joey is on his second audition. This one is for Purina One Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the gratuitous product placement.]
Joey: So that’s why I feed my dog Purina One! Pick up a bag today! (He turns, looks at the bag and realizes he won’t be able to pick it up.)
Casting Director #2: That’s where you pick up the bag.

Joey: Exactly.

Casting Director #2: No, the line is pick a bag, so you need to pick up the bag.

Joey: Or, I could just point to it! Huh? Blah, blah, blah, Purina One, point to a bag today. (She just looks at him.) I didn’t get it, did I?

Casting Director #2: No.

Joey: Yeah, okay. (Leaves)

[Scene: Casting Director #3’s office, Joey is entering.]
Joey: Hi. I’m Joey Tribbiani; I’m here to audition for (Groans) man.
Casting Director #3: You mean dying man?

Joey: Yes!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are playing phone pranks on Ross.]
Monica: Okay, come on, do it one more time!
Rachel: Really? Really?!

Monica: Yes!

Rachel: Okay! (Picks up the phone and starts dialing.) (In an Irish accent) "Hello Ross, this is Dr. McNeeley from the Fake Accent University, we’d like you to come on board with us full time! (Hangs up.)

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: Listen to this! My reading was wrong, I’m not going die!

Rachel: Really?! How do you know?

Phoebe: Because my psychic is dead! She must’ve read the cards wrong!

Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry.

Phoebe: Eh, better her than me! Hey, let’s bake cookies!

[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey has won the part of dying man and is now able to play the role he was injured for. Chandler is helping to carry him in.]
Chandler: Listen, I’m really glad you got the part.
Joey: (barely audible through the pain) Thank you.

Chandler: But are you sure you can do this?

Joey: Yeah! And hey, thanks for coming with me. And thanks again for helping me take a shower.

(Chandler steps away quickly.)

Chandler: Now, is that never talking about it again?!

Joey: (to the director) Hiya!

The Director: Hey Joey, we’re ready for ya! (Joey stumbles over) Joey, this is Alex he’s going to be playing your son.

Joey: Hi Alex! (to the director) And uh, as you can see my hands are not in my pants. (Holds them both up.)

The Director: Okay. (to Alex) All right uh, Alex now when Joey says his line, "Take good care of your Momma son," that’s your cue to cry. Got it? (Alex nods yes.) All right, let’s do this.

(Joey lies down on the gurney.)

A Crew Member: (with that board thingy) Scene 5, take 1.

The Director: And Action!

Joey: "Take could care of your Momma son." (Alex just looks at him and the director motions for him to continue so he tries it again.) "Take could care of your Momma son." (Alex does nothing.) "Come on son! Your Momma’s good people!"

The Director: Cut! Alex, remember you’re supposed to cry. Can you cry for us this time?

Alex: Okay.

The Director: All right, from the top.

A Crew Member: Scene 5, take 2.

[Time lapse.]

A Crew Member: Take 36 is up!

The Director: All right! Let’s try this again! You ready Joe?

Joey: Ah, just one thing umm, is it all right with you if I, if I scream right up until you say action?

The Director: Uh sure.

Joey: Okay. (Starts screaming.)

The Director: Action!

Joey: (he stops screaming at action) "Take good care of your Momma son." (Again Alex does nothing.)

The Director: Cut!!!!!!!!!! (Joey starts screaming again.)

(Chandler decides to help out.)

Chandler: I’m sorry! Hey-hey Joe, why don’t you uh, lift up your shirt? (He does.) Take a look at this kiddo. (Alex finally starts crying.) We have a crying child! Roll the damn cameras!

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment, Rachel is unpacking as the phone rings.]
Rachel: (answering it) Hello?
Russell: (Ross’s divorce lawyer.) Hello, is Ross there?

Rachel: Uh no, he’s not. Can I take a message?

Russell: Yes, this Russell, Ross’s divorce lawyer, just tell him that since I haven’t heard from him, I assume he’s decided to give the marriage a try.

Rachel: Ross got married again—Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!

[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Ross is trying to phase out his accent.]
Ross: (in his head) All right, keep going. We are phasing the accent out, phasing it out. So without out re-testing the results in the laboratory (pronounced the British way) the team would never have identified (British) the initial errors in their carbon dating analysis (British). Were there any questions at this point? (One student raises his hand.) Yes. (Points to him.)
A Student: What’s happening to your accent?

Ross: (British) Come again? What’s-what’s this nonsense? (Giggles.) (American.) All right, I’m-I’m not English. I’m from Long Island. I was really nervous and the accent just uh, just came out. I’m sorry. So, if we could just get back to the lecture. Umm, were there any questions? (Everyone raises their hands) About paleontology. (They all put their hands down.) All right, look I was just trying to make a good first impression. Obviously, I screwed up. But what you guys think of me is really important because I’m-I’m hoping to get a permanent job here. So if you just give me another chance to make a good impression…

(At this moment Rachel bursts through the door. Needless to say, she’s not in the best of moods having just found out Ross’s dirty little secret.)

Rachel: Ross!! Are you crazy?! I am still your wife!! What, were you just never gonna tell me?!! What the hell is wrong with you?!!!! Ugh, I could just kill you!!!!

Ross: (in the accent again) Well, hello Rachel!

Ending Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is holding a football helmet; and apparently, in a rather disgusting scene, Joey wants Phoebe to beat him senseless. (Luckily it isn’t a long trip.) Because he’s made a miraculous recovery from his hernia and wants to take advantage of all those free surgeries he can get now since he’s re-established his health insurance.]
Phoebe: Have you really done this before?
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You just take a big, big swing. Now, don’t hold back. (He dons his protective helmet (Why, I have no clue.) and Phoebe picks up a wooden baseball bat and starts to swing as Chandler and Monica enter.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Hey-hey-hey!

Chandler: What are you doing?

Phoebe: We’re just celebrating that Joey got his health insurance back.

Chandler: Oh, all right.

(Decided that they are less than human as well, Chandler picks up a golf club and Monica a frying pan, to join in on the fun of beating their good friend to within an inch of his life!

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes!

(We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and pinches Joey’s nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move because he’s now forced to actually hold his breath.)

Joey: (To Chandler) Dude! What are yo—you trying to kill me?!

Rachel: (entering from her room) Pheebs, I wanna ask you something.

Phoebe: Uh-huh, what?

Rachel: Well since I’m movin’ out and-and you’re so beautiful…

Phoebe: Oh!

Rachel: …how about I move in with you?

Phoebe: Well, that would be great but then what do we do about Denise?

Monica: Who’s Denise?

Phoebe: My roommate.

Rachel: You have a roommate?!

Phoebe: Yes, Denise. Denise!

Joey: Hey, what is with the secrecy Phoebe? Huh? And what about this Denise, is she cute?

Chandler: Pheebs, I don’t understand. How can you have a roommate that none of us know anything about?

Phoebe: Maybe because you never listen to anything that I say. I talk about her all the time! DENISE!!!!!

Joey: Hey Rach, listen I was thinkin’ uh, I’m gonna have an extra room over at my place…

Rachel: Oh, that’s true.

Joey: Yeah, why don’t you move in with me? It’ll be great! We could stay up late, watch movies, and you know about Naked Thursday’s right?

Rachel: Yeah, yeah I think I’m gonna find my own place.

Chandler: Hey-hey! I thought Naked Thursday’s was just our thing man!

Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is reading a magazine, eating a cookie, and drinking some coffee as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey.
Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: So, what did Rachel say when you told her you were still married to her?

Ross: Oh, that. Umm, she took it really well.

Phoebe: You didn’t tell her did you?

Ross: No.

Phoebe: Of course not, because you’re in love with her.

Ross: I am not in love with her. She was very upset about having to move out so I eh, didn’t tell her we were still married because she would only get more upset. I-I just comforted her, as a friend.

Phoebe: What do you mean, comforted her?

Ross: It’s nothing, I just gave her a hug.

Phoebe: Ah-ha! A classic sign of love, the hug!

Ross: It’s also a sign of friendship.

Phoebe: Yeah, not in your case Lovey Loverson. (Tries to take a bite out of Ross’s cookie.)

Ross: (grabs back his cookie) It was a hug!

Phoebe: Okay, just tell me this, did you or did you not smell her hair?

Ross: S-s-smell her hair? What if I did?

Phoebe: Ninety percent of a women’s pheromones come out the top of her head! That’s why, that’s why women are shorter. So that men will fall in love when they hug them! (Ross is staring at her dumbfounded.) Oh come on Ross, you’re a scientist.

Ross: I was hugging her as a friend. It’s not my fault her-her hair got in my face, she’s got a lot of it and it smells all-all uh…coconutty. (Phoebe raises her eyebrows.) What?! Oh, that doesn’t mean I have feelings for Rachel! Maybe it means I have feelings for coconuts!

Phoebe: (taking his coffee) Okay, whatever you say. But just be careful, all right? Rachel’s not in the same place you are.

Ross: (grabbing back his coffee) If the place you are referring too is being in love, then she is in the same place as me because I am not in that place!

Phoebe: Okay, I didn’t understand that, but y’know, maybe that’s ‘cause you were speaking the secret language of love!

(She goes for his magazine and he grabs it away before she reaches it. But she was only using the magazine as a decoy because she grabs his cookie and coffee, takes a bite out of the cookie and drinks some of the coffee.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are there as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey! (To Chandler) Dude, some guy just called for you.
Chandler: Who was it?

Joey: I don’t know! How about, "Thanks for taking the message." Jeez! (Exits.)

Monica: Okay listen, y’know when you move in Rachel’s room is gonna be empty, you wanna talk about what we want to do with it?

Chandler: Sure!

Monica: Okay, I was thinking we should have a beautiful guest room, right? With a mahogany sleigh bed and bedside tables with flowers on them all the time! And we could have a roll top desk with comment cards on them so people could say how much they loved staying here!! Okay, whatever, I really haven’t thought about it that much.

Chandler: Well, I like that idea. Obviously! I was thinking maybe-maybe-maybe it could be a game room, y’know? I mean you can buy old arcade games like uh, like Space Invaders and Asteroids for $200, the real ones! The big-big ones!

Monica: No.

Chandler: Okay so you mean no as in, "Gee Chandler, what an interesting idea. Let’s discuss it before we reject it completely."

Monica: Oh, I’m sorry. Of course I mean that. Interesting idea, umm, talk about it, but no.

Chandler: So, that’s it?

Monica: I just don’t think arcade games go in the beautiful guest room. The beautiful guest room is gonna be filled with antiques.

Chandler: Which is why Asteroids is perfect! It’s the oldest game!

Monica: What do you have against the beautiful guest room?

Chandler: I don’t have anything against the beautiful guest room, especially since everybody we know lives about 30 seconds away!

Monica: Are you mocking me?

Chandler: No, I’m not mocking you, (in a mocking voice) or you beautiful guest room. (Exits.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is coming from across the hall.]
Joey: Hey, what’s up?
Chandler: Nothing, Monica and I had a stupid fight.

Joey: But you’re still moving in together, right? Because my ad came out today. (Shows him the paper.)

Chandler: (reading the ad) "Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly." Nice!

Joey: Yeah? I just figured y’know, after living with you it’d be an interesting change of pace to have a female roommate, y’know? Someone I can learn from, someone-someone who’s different than me. And what’s more different than me; a guy who’s not 19 than say a girl who is 19? Enh? (Points to his head.) Not just a hat rack my friend!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch staring off into space as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Pheebs, I have to ask you…
Phoebe: Shhhhhh! I’m swamped right now.

Rachel: You’re just staring into space.

Phoebe: Umm, I’m trying to move that pencil. (There’s a pencil lying on the table.)

Rachel: This one? (Picks it up.)

Phoebe: It worked!

Rachel: Pheebs, this whole apartment thing is just a nightmare! Every place I can afford comes with a roommate who is a freak. I mean, look at this; (Points to one and starts to read it.) "Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly." It’s just, there is nothing! The city’s full!

Phoebe: Wait, no, look at this! (Points to one.) (Reading) "Two bedroom, two bath, must be non-smoker, Satan worshipers okay…" Oh, yeah, but it’s on the ground floor.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Rach, uh, you still looking for a place?

Rachel: Yeah! Why?

Ross: Okay, there’s this guy, Warren, from the museum and he’s going on a dig for like two years and he’s got this great place he needs to sublet. So uh, you interested?

Rachel: That sounds great! I’d love to live at Warren’s!! I love Warren! Thank you!

Ross: Don’t thank me! If you wanna thank something, thank the volcano that erupted thousands of years ago, killing but perfectly preserving an entire civilization. (Rachel just looks at him.) Here’s Warren’s number.

Rachel: Oh, this is great! I am gonna call him right now! (Jumps up.) Oh, thank you!

(She hugs him and he starts to hug her back but notices the look Phoebe is giving him and pushes her away.)

Ross: Okay, you go grab it!

Phoebe: I saw it.

Ross: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Phoebe: Umm, I’m talking about that which you already know but won’t admit. You love her again; you re-love her!

Ross: Look, I do not re-love her.

Phoebe: I can’t believe you won’t just admit it! (Pause) Okay, just promise me that you won’t do anything stupid.

Ross: Look, we’re just friends now! Okay? Why would I do anything stupid?

Rachel: (returning from calling Warren) Ugh!!! Well, the apartment is already subletted! I mean, this is just hopeless. I’m never gonna find anything.

Ross: You can live with me.

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: What?!

Ross: What?

Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Oh my God! Are you serious?!
Ross: Uh-huh. (Phoebe grunts.)

Rachel: I would love to live with you Ross; that’s-that’s great! Thank you!

Ross: Well, I’m-I’m just glad I could, y’know, help you out.

Phoebe: Wow! I’m-I’m so happy for you guys. (To Ross) This is so-so, not stupid.

Rachel: Ross-Ross, you have no idea what this means to me! I mean, I mean I was gonna be homeless. You just saved me! You’re my hero!

Ross: Hero, I uh, I don’t know—well, all right.

Rachel: Oh, I have to go tell Monica what a wonderful brother she has! (Kisses him on the cheek and exits.)

Ross: Oh please! (He sits down.) (To Phoebe) You’re gonna say things now, aren’t ya?

Phoebe: No. No, I won’t. But I should tell you this, this exact same thing happened to my roommate Denise. She moved in with a guy who was secretly married to her and he said he didn’t love her, but he really did, and it just blew up! And that’s how she ended up living with me! (Ross looks at her.) (Pause) Okay, that’s a lie.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is in the kitchen as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hi.
Monica: Hi.

Chandler: Hi, listen, I’m sorry about before. I don’t need to have a game room. I mean when I was a kid I only played those games because I couldn’t get girls, and now I can ‘em—Now, I have you. (Monica glares at him.) Not-not that I think that I have you or think of you as property in any sort of way, I see women…

Monica: Stop it Chandler. (Chandler is relieved) I’m sorry too.

Chandler: Really?

Monica: Yeah! Oh yes!

Chandler: Ohh.

Monica: Listen, we don’t have to make that a guest room, we can think of something to do with the room together.

Chandler: That’s a great idea! We can easily think of a way for us both to enjoy the room.

Monica: Totally!

(They start thinking.)

Chandler: We don’t have to come up with this now.

Monica: Oh good.

Chandler: Hey, y’know what? Why don’t we think about changes we can make in the living room?

Monica: Changes?

Chandler: Yeah, I mean we’re gonna have to move around some furniture to make room for my chair. (Kisses her and heads into the living room.)

Monica: You’re-you’re-you’re gonna bring the Barca Lounger over here?

Chandler: Is that a problem?

Monica: Well, it’s a set and they should probably stay together.

Chandler: Oh, that’s cool. Then I’ll just bring them both over.

Monica: See now-now you’re taking them away from their home.

Chandler: Okay, I get it. So, I get nothing! Nothing here is mine! Everything here is yours! I’ll get up in the morning put on your clothes, and head off to work!

Monica: Yeah-yeah, y’know what? Yeah, that’s it-that’s it, everything will be mine! Nothing will be yours! That’s-that’s what I said! Oh come on, Chandler! I’m talking about the barca lounger! It just, it doesn’t match! Where is it gonna go?!

Chandler: In the game room!

Monica: Look it is not my fault that your chairs are incredibly ugly!

Chandler: All right! That’s fine! That’s fine! I won’t bring over the chairs! I won’t bring anything over! I wouldn’t want to ruin the ambiance over here at Grandma’s place!! (Storms out.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is interviewing a potential roommate. And yes, she’s a female, non-smoker and very non-ugly.]
Joey: (exiting from Chandler’s room with the new roommate) Everything on your application looks really good—Ohh! Just one last question umm, are you and your friends gonna be over here all the time like partying and hanging out?
The Potential Roommate: Oh don’t worry, I’m not really a party girl.

Joey: Whoa!! Now look, don’t be just blurtin’ stuff out. I want you to really think about your answers. Okay?

Chandler: (entering) You can call off the roommate search! (To the potential roommate) Hi! I’ll be living here. (Heads for the bathroom.)

Joey: Oh don’t listen to him, he’s just some guy who really wants the apartment, but I don’t think he’s gonna get it.

Chandler: Why did you take the shower curtain down?

Joey: That thing was a hazard! (To the potential roommate) I’m very safety conscious.

[Scene: Ross’s Apartment, Rachel is entering and Ross is making some room on the shelves for his stuff.]
Rachel: Hey!
Ross: Hey! Oh listen, I was just clearing some space for your stuff.

Rachel: Oh thanks, but listen, I was just at Monica’s and she and Chandler had a big fight and they’re not moving in.

Ross: What do you mean, they’re not moving in? They-they’re still moving in right?

Rachel: No-no, they just had a big blowout over what to do with my room.

Ross: What?! Over a stupid room!

Rachel: Yeah, I feel kinda bad for them, but I’m also really psyched ‘cause I don’t have to move in here!

Ross: Oh no, yeah no, that part’s great!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering, dragging Chandler, to mediate the argument between Chandler and Monica.]
Ross: What’s all this about you guys fighting?! Is this really over a room?! I mean, that is so silly!
Monica: Ross, we can handle this.

Ross: Well, apparently not, and I can’t just stand by and watch two people I care about very much be hurt over something that is so silly. I mean, enough of the silliness!

Chandler: Well, why don’t you tell her to stop being silly! (Monica mocks him and he joins in.)

Ross: (stopping them) Okay-okay! Two very good points, look I’ve known you both a long time, and I’ve never seen either of you one/millionth as happy as you’ve been since you’ve got together. Do you really want to throw that all away over a room? That is so silly. Now wh-what is more important, love or silliness?

Chandler: Well, we are fond of the silliness, but we also have a soft spot for the love.

Monica: Love is the best medicine.

Chandler: That’s laughter.

Monica: Why do you do it?

Chandler: I don’t know.

Ross: Okay! All right! Now, Chandler you-you wanna live with Monica, right?

Chandler: Yeah, I do.

Ross: And Mon, you wanna live with Chandler, don’t ya?

Monica: Yes.

Ross: (jumping up) Good! A verbal contract is binding in the state of New York! (Storms out.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at the counter waiting for Gunther, yep Gunther’s back, to refill her coffee.]
Gunther: So I understand you’re looking for a place.
Rachel: No-no, I’m staying put.

Gunther: Oh, I was going to offer you my apartment.

Rachel: Why, where are you going?

Gunther: I don’t know.

Ross: (entering) Hey Rach!

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: You’re never gonna believe it uh, Monica and Chandler are moving in again. That’s great news right—I mean for them. Right?

Rachel: Oh wow.

Ross: Yeah but, on the bright side, we get to be roommates again.

Rachel: Yeah. Y’know umm, uh, umm, about that, umm, Ross I really appreciate your offer to let me move in and everything, but don’t you think it’s gonna be weird?

Ross: Wh-why?! Why-why-why would it, why would it be weird?

Rachel: Well, because of us! Because of our history.

Ross: No!

Rachel: No?

Ross: No! No! It would be weird if we were still in that place, I mean are you still in that place?

Rachel: No! Not at all!

Ross: Good! Me neither! So it’s not a problem. We’re just two friends who happen to be roommates.

Rachel: Okay, but Ross, eventually you and I are gonna be dating.

Ross: Really?! We are?

Rachel: Yeah! I’m gonna have a boyfriend, you’re gonna have a girlfriend…

Ross: Ohh! That would be great.

Rachel: But y’know what, if you think it’s gonna be okay we’ll just work out a system. Y’know, it’ll be like college, I’ll hang a hanger on the door and put a sign, "Come back later, I’m gettin’ lucky." (Laughs.)

Ross: (laughs as well, but for a different reason) Yeah, I didn’t think of that.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is once again being dragged in by Ross so he that he can try to manipulate the situation so that it’s best for Ross, not necessarily what’s best for Monica and Chandler.]
Ross: So are you sure about this whole moving in thing?! I mean it’s a really big step! And-and what’s the rush?!
(They both start laughing at him.)

Monica: That’s very funny!

Chandler: He’s being silly, because he knows that we enjoy the silliness!

Ross: No, I-I-I’m serious, okay? I mean, think about it. You move in, you start fighting over stupid game rooms, next thing y’know you break up!

Monica: Ross, you were right before, it was just a stupid fight about a room.

Ross: Okay, there are no stupid fights!! This isn’t about the room, this is about what the room…represents! And unfortunately, this room (Points to Rachel’s room) could destroy you!!

Chandler: Yeah, I'm not so worried.

Monica: Yeah, no, me neither.

Ross: Fine! It’s your life! (Starts to storm out mad about his failed attempt at the manipulation of his best friend and sister, but stops and tries one last time.) I just don’t want to see you guys break up! Which you will do if you move in together, (Monica and Chandler just stare at him.) but that’s what you want, there’s nothing I can do. (Opens the door and tries one more time.) DON’T DO IT!!!!! (Finally leaves.)

Monica: You still want to move in together right?

Chandler: Of course!

Monica: Ross didn’t scare you?

Chandler: Scared me out of ever wanting to live with him.

Monica: Come here, I want to show you something!

Chandler: Okay!

(They run to the living room where Monica has moved the chair back (Towards the step), the coffee table forward (Towards the TV), and taped a square outline on the floor.)

Chandler: Oh my God! Someone’s killed Square Man!

Monica: This is where I thought the barca lounger could go! You see you could see the TV and it’s still walking distance to the kitchen.

Chandler: Oh that’s so sweet! I want to show you something too!

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: Y’know those big-big uh, road signs that say "Merge?"

Monica: Uh-hmm.

Chandler: Y’know? So I was thinking that we could get one of those signs and hang it over our bed. Because, that’s you and I together! Merge!

Monica: Oh my God! I love that!

Chandler: Really?!

Monica: Uh, no!!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new song. Yep, the first new Phoebe song of season six, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are also there.]
Phoebe: (singing) I found you in my bed!
How’d you whined up there?
You are a mystery!
Little black curly hair!
Little black curly hair!
Little black, little black, little black, little black, little black curly hair…………
(Applause.)

Phoebe: Now if you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.

Ross: (To Rachel) So umm, where are the other guys?

Rachel: Umm, well let’s see Monica and Chandler are occupied.

Ross: Fighting?!

Rachel: No, the other thing. I really think it’s great they work things out.

Ross: Yeah. There’s no breaking them up, is there?

Rachel: Hey, can I borrow the key to your house so I can run across the street and make a copy?

Ross: Sure! Here. (Hands her his keys.)

Rachel: Thank you. (Gets up) Now are you sure? Because once I make a copy, there’s no turning back.

Ross: Yeah, I’m-I’m sure. (Deadpan) Yeah, get out of here before I change my mind. (She exits)

Joey: Umm, listen, Ross do you really think this moving in with Rachel is a good idea?

Ross: I’ve been back and forth.

Joey: Yeah well, maybe you should go back! Okay? Rachel moves in, and before you know it you’re right where you don’t want to be! Back together!

Ross: Ehh, I don’t, I don’t think so. She’s already talked about y’know, dating other guys.

Joey: That’s not gonna work out! Then she’s gonna come home all weepy and you’ll be tellin’ her, "Oh that’s okay. You’ll find someone." And then, bamn! She finds you!

Ross: Yeah, well, m-maybe you’re right.

Joey: I am telling you Ross, she is definitely gonna fall in love with you again! Now, is that what you want?

Ross: Is that what I want?

Phoebe: (on the microphone, accidentally) Yes.

(Rachel enters.)

Joey: Here she comes. Hold on, I’m gonna make your life much easier.

Rachel: All right, well the place was closed. I’ll just copy it later.

Joey: Or not. Uh, Rach, why don’t you just move in with me? (Rachel sighs.)

Ross: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, Joey!

Joey: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no… It’s okay, I mean I—look Rach, I know I scared you off with that whole Naked Thursday’s thing, but we don’t have to do that!

Rachel: Well, it would be easier to move just right across the hall. Wait a minute, unless you’re thinking about Naked Wednesday’s.

Joey: Thursday’s clearly not good for ya, pick a day!

Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey has The Potential Roommate back for another interview.]
Joey: (opening the door to The Potential Roommate) Hi!
The Potential Roommate: Hi!

Joey: Come in. Thanks for comin’ back, umm, okay there have been a lot of people interested in the room, but I have narrowed it down and you are one of the finalists!

The Potential Roommate: Great!

Joey: Okay now, before I make my final decision I uh, I just want to make sure our personalities match. Okay, so I made up a little test. Now, I’m gonna say a word and then you say the first thing that comes to mind.

The Potential Roommate: I can do that.

Joey: Okay! Here we go. Pillow.

The Potential Roommate: Fight.

Joey: Very good! Okay. G.

The Potential Roommate: String?

Joey: Excellent! Okay umm, doggy.

The Potential Roommate: Kitten?

Joey: Ooh, sorry! No-no-no, so close though, but—bye-bye! (He ushers her out the door.)

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hey, so did everything go okay with the annulment?

Ross: Oh, yeah, no problems. It’s all taken care of.

Rachel: Ross, thank you. Hey, do you guys wanna go see a movie?

Ross: Oh yeah, why not?

Rachel: Okay, umm, I’m gonna get my sweater. (Walks away.)

Ross: Okay. (Sits down next to Phoebe.) You uh, you wanna hear something weird?

Phoebe: Always.

Ross: I didn’t get the annulment.

Phoebe: What?!

Ross: We’re still married! Don’t tell Rachel. See you later. (He gets up leaving Phoebe in shock.)

[Cut to outside Central Perk.]

Ross: (To Rachel) Hey, do you have any gum?

Rachel: Oh? Yeah! Sure!

Phoebe: (running out) Wait! Wait! Hi! Listen, Ross can I just talk to you for just a second?

Rachel: Oh but Phoebe, we’re gonna be late for the movie.

(A cab pulls up.)

Phoebe: Oh, there’s a cab! Taxi!! (The cab stops and she opens the door.) Good timing, my God, huh? Here you go. (Pushes Rachel in and closes the door.)

Rachel: Yeah, we’re, we’re actually just gonna walk ‘cause it’s right up there at the Angelica.

Phoebe: Oh, the Angelica!! Go! Go! (She bangs on the cab’s roof and it pulls away.) (To Ross) You didn’t get the annulment?!!

Ross: I know.

Phoebe: Ross?!

Ross: Well, I tried! But when I got to my lawyer’s office all I could hear was, "Three divorces. Three divorces!" Look, I just don’t want my tombstone to read, Ross Gellar, Three Divorces.

Phoebe: Don’t be worried about that! Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! It could say, Ross Geller, Good at Marriage! Y’know? Mine’s gonna say Phoebe Buffay, Buried Alive.

Ross: Look, all I know is I-I can’t have another failed marriage!

Phoebe: So okay what? You’re gonna be married to a girl who doesn’t even know about it?!—Op, woman! Sorry.

Ross: Well, okay so, I don’t have it all worked out quite yet. Just don’t say anything to Rachel, please?

Phoebe: Rachel is one of my closest friends. (Pause) Although, being the only one who knows anything about this does makes me feel special. Okay!

(Rachel’s cab backs up.)

Rachel: (to the driver) Okay, stop-stop! Phoebe?!

Phoebe: Hey Rach!

Rachel: What was that?!

Phoebe: Sorry, mix up. Hey, how was the movie?

Rachel: I haven’t seen it yet!

Phoebe: Well then you’d better hurry! The Angelica! Go! Go! (Bangs on the roof again and off they go.)

Rachel: Noooooooo!!

Opening Credits
{Transciber’s note: In case you’re wondering, and I know you are. Their names are all back to normal. Just in a slightly smaller font than usual to allow Courteney Cox Arquette to fit on one line and not be smaller than the rest of their names. Now, on with the show…}

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are cuddling on the couch.]
Chandler: Y’know when we move in together, can I get a gumball machine?
Monica: Of course! Joey wouldn’t let you have one?

Chandler: No. When it comes to sweets, he’s surprisingly strict.

Monica: Hey, have you figured out a way to tell him you’re moving out?

Chandler: No, no, I keep trying, y’know? I can get out, "Joey, I have too…" but then I lose my nerve and I always finish with, "…go to the bathroom." He may think I’m sick.

Monica: Y’know, I really have to tell Rachel, but I… We just have to get it over with! Y’know, the next time we see them we’re just gonna tell them. Okay? That’s it.

Chandler: Oh, so that’s this is gonna work now? You’re just gonna order me around all the time?

Monica: Pretty much.

Chandler: All right.

Joey: (entering) Hey Monica!

Monica: Hi!

Joey: (To Chandler) Hey man, you feeling any better? (Chandler answers him with some guttural sounds that only he can make and that no human can transcribe.)

Monica: Joey, we have something to tell you.

Joey: Oh my God! You’re pregnant!

Chandler: No-o-o! (To Monica) No? (She nods no.) No-o-o! Look Joey, here’s the thing, Monica and I have decided to live together, here. So, I’m gonna be moving out man.

Joey: Wow! (Tearing up) Well, uh… Hey! I’m really happy for you guys! Congratulations! (Kisses Monica on the cheek) See you later. (Starts for the door on the verge of tears as Monica stops him.)

Monica: Wait! Joey! Joey! Are you okay?!

Joey: Yeah, I gotta go! I got an acting job. (Turns towards the door, pauses, and turns back.) Like you’d believe that. This sucks!

Chandler: Look, I-I’m just gonna be right across the hall and I promise you, the minute Monica and I break up I’m moving right back in with you!

Joey: (To Monica) Okay! Look-look-look, uh, if you’re gonna be moving in with him I feel it’s my responsibility to tell you the truth about him! Okay? He’s a terrible roommate! Terrible! He uh, forgets to umm… Oh-oh he always, he always umm—Oh, who am I kidding! He’s the best roommate ever! (Hugs Chandler.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey, have you seen Rachel?

Phoebe: No, why?

Monica: I have some pretty exciting news!

Phoebe: (gasps) You’re pregnant!

Monica: No! Chandler and I are moving in together!

Phoebe: Ooh! That’s good! Wow! But now if you were pregnant, what would you name it? Hint: Phoebe.

(Ross returns from getting some coffee.)

Ross: Hey! Hi!

Monica: Hey!

Ross: What’s up?

Monica: Well umm, Chandler and I are moving in together.

Ross: Oh my God. Ohh, my little sister and my best friend…shaking up. Oh, that’s great. That’s great. (Kisses and hugs her.)

Phoebe: Guys, I’m happy too.

Monica: Okay, come here! (Phoebe joins them in the hug.)

Phoebe: Wow! Big day huh? People moving in, people getting annulled… (Winks at Ross.)

Monica: Okay, I gotta go find Rachel but umm, if you guys see her could you please try to give her some really bad news so that mine doesn’t seem so bad? (Exits.)

Ross: Bye.

Phoebe: Hmm, something bad to tell Rachel… Bad news for Rachel, what could that be?!

Ross: Could ya just, could ya just lay off, please? All right? My life is an embarrassment! I should go live under somebody’s stairs!

Phoebe: Ross, it’s not that big a deal! So you’ll been divorced three times, you’ll still have a life, you’ll go on dates…

Ross: (interrupting) No! No, I won’t! I’ll be at the bottom of the dating barrel now. The only guys below me will be Four Divorce Guy uh, Murderer Guy, and-and, Geologists.

Phoebe: Ross, you’re being ridiculous! Okay? You are cute and smart and sweet and that is much more important than three stupid divorces!

Ross: Oh yeah? Have you ever dated anyone who has been divorced three times?

Phoebe: Y’know that’s really fair. Y’know? Most guys who have been divorced three times are like 60. Ross, nobody cares about this except you! This-this embarrassment thing is all in your head! Here, I’ll show you! Come here.

Ross: What?! Why?

(She grabs his arm and drags him over to a table where three beautiful women are sitting. Now, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that their names are Stephanie, Karin, and Meg. Okay, so I looked at the credits. Of course, only Meg is named later on, so I’ll have to guess who is Stephanie and who is Karin. But, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.)

Phoebe: (to the girls) Hi! Hi! Listen, my friend Ross is about to be divorced for the third time, but wouldn’t you date him?

Ross: And if you wait right here, I’ll go get Ross. (Phoebe grabs his arm and prevents him from escaping.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is pacing anxiously waiting for Rachel.]
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Ugh, I thought you were Rachel!

Chandler: (looking down) What gave me away?

Monica: I just tell her, I have to get it over with. I told Ross and Phoebe and she’s the only one left!

Chandler: Okay, so that’s it, everybody knows! It’s official, we’re moving in together. No turning back. Are ya scared? Are ya?

Monica: No.

Chandler: Wow that was my scariest voice! You’re very brave.

(They hug as Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hey!

Chandler: Hey.

Rachel: Ugh, the worse day! Y’know, you think you’re making progress at work and then your boss calls you Raquel.

Chandler: Hey listen, for the first four years of my work everybody called me Sha-la-lap. (Awkward silence ensues.) Seriously.

Rachel: I believe you. So, it was right in the middle of a staff meeting so of course no one else wants to correct her so everyone else is calling me Raquel! By the end of the day, the mailroom guys were calling me Rocky!

Chandler: Well, I-I still think you’re very-very nice and very pretty…

Rachel: What?

Chandler: (To Monica) All yours babe. (Walks away.)

Monica: Have a seat. (They sit at the table.) Okay, listen umm, Chandler and I are going to live together, here.

Rachel: Oh my God! That’s so great! I’m so happy for you guys!

Monica: Really?!

Rachel: And that was so sweet of you to ask! Oh my God, the three of us are gonna have such a good time living together!

Monica: Yes, we are. (Chandler is frantically trying to get Monica to correct her.)

Rachel: And Chandler, you’re gonna have to watch those long showers you take in the morning because you know Raquel can’t be late.

Chandler: Rach…

Monica: Yeah, he’s gonna work on that.

Rachel: Ohh! This is so exciting! Oh God… (Gasps and starts to sing) Come and knock on my door…

Monica: (singing) We’ll be waiting for you…

{Transciber’s note: I’ll finish that one for those of you who don’t know what they’re talking about. Where the towels are Hers and Hers and His, Three’s Company too! Yeah, that’s the theme song for Three’s Company.}

Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is hosting an impromptu roundtable discussion with Stephanie, Karin, and Meg about Ross’s three divorces.]
Ross: …once you know the stories, it’s not that bad. First marriage, wife’s hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second marriage, said the wrong name at the altar, a little my fault. Third marriage, well they really shouldn’t allow you to get married when you’re that drunk and have writing all over your face, Nevada’s fault.
Phoebe: Okay, so what do you think ladies? Who wouldn’t be interested? Who wouldn’t want to date him?

Stephanie: Well the divorces don’t bother me, I’d date him. But, not while he’s still married.

Phoebe: Okay, what about you? (Points to Karin) Wouldn’t you want a date?

Karin: Actually, I’m dating at all anymore. See, I figured out that I was only dating guys that were like y’know bad for me, so until I work that out…

Phoebe: (interrupting) Whatever! What about you Meg?

Meg: Well, I don’t care about the divorces either, but I wouldn’t date him. It’s just that he’s obviously still in love with this Rachel girl.

Ross: What?!

Phoebe: (leaning to him) She said, "He’s obviously still in love with this Rachel girl." (He glares at her.)

Ross: This is crazy! I mean, yes-yes Rachel is my good friend and I-I have loved her in the past, but now, she is just my wife! Phoebe, will you-will you help me out here?

Phoebe: Well, I thought you loved her when you-when you married her.

Ross: We were drunk! I would’ve married uh, Joey with that amount of alcohol!

Phoebe: Hey! You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani!!

Ross: (to the panel) Look, I’m sorry, but you guys are wrong. I just don’t want to be divorced three times.

Phoebe: Yes, and now he’s using this three divorces reason because he wants to stay married to her because he loves her. I must say, "Well done!" Bravo Meg.

Ross: (getting up) Okay! Fine! Fine! If-if this is what you think, forget about the whole three divorce thing! Okay, I-I’ll go to my lawyer’s office right now and get this marriage annulled! Okay?! Because she means nothing to me! Noth—(leans down to Meg’s ear)—Nothing!!

Meg: Okay now I wouldn’t date you because you seem a little creepy.

Karin: I am so attracted to him right now.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are still debating about how to tell Rachel that Chandler’s moving in and she’s moving out.]
Chandler: Okay, when are we gonna tell Rachel what is actually gonna happen?
Monica: Soon! I-I just couldn’t before. You saw how upset Joey got! I couldn’t do that to her, she’s my best friend!

Chandler: Well, Joey’s my best friend.

Monica: I’m not your best friend?

Chandler: You just said… Of course you’re my best friend. Would you please tell Rachel though?

Monica: All right, all right, at least I’m prepared.

Chandler: Okay. (She grabs a tin of freshly baked cookies) Oh yes. (He reaches for one.)

Monica: (slapping his hand) Hey!

Chandler: Hey-hey!

Monica: These aren’t for you! Are you upset?

Chandler: I am now!

Rachel: (entering) Hey roomie!

Chandler: Okay, bye! (Exits.)

Monica: Rach, there’s something uh, important I have to tell you.

Rachel: (gasps) Are you pregnant?!

Monica: No! But, I’m throwing this shirt away! I think there was a little misunderstanding before.

Rachel: Um-hmm.

Monica: Umm, when I said that uh, that Chandler and I wanted to umm, live together we meant alone together.

Rachel: (laughs) Oh my God! Oh, that’s funny, I can’t believe I did that.

Monica: Oh no sweetie, no! This is my fault, I wasn’t clear! I’m really sorry. And listen, you take as much time as you need to move out okay? There’s absolutely no rush.

Rachel: Okay. (Sits back and resumes her reading.)

Monica: Okay. Don’t you want a cookie?

Rachel: Sure? (Monica hands her one.) Thanks.

Monica: Maybe, do you need a tissue?

(Rachel mumbles uh-huh and spits the half-eaten cookie out onto the tissue.)

Rachel: Monica, where did you get these?!

Monica: I made them!

Rachel: Ooh, good God, they’re so yummy! (She re-ingests the previously expelled cookie matter from the tissue.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is packing some books and Joey is watching him.]
Joey: God, it’s gonna so weird like when I come home and you’re not here. Y’know? No more Joey and Chan’s. No more J and C’s. "You wanna go over to Joey and Chandler’s?" "Can’t, its not there."
Chandler: Look, I’m just gonna be across the hall, we can still do all the same stuff.

Joey: Yeah but we won’t be able to like get up in the middle of the night and have those long talks about our feelings and the future.

Chandler: Not once did we do that.

Monica: (entering) Hi.

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hi.

Monica: So I, I told Rachel it was just gonna be the two of us.

Chandler: Oh yeah? Well, how’d she take it?

Monica: Really well. Yeah. Surprisingly well. Yeah, she didn’t cry. She wasn’t angry or sad. (Sits down, slightly disgusted.)

Chandler: And you’re upset because you didn’t make your best friend cry?

Monica: I mean, all I’m asking for is just a little emotion! Is that too much to ask after six years?! I mean what? Are-are-are Rachel and I not as close as you guys?! I mean do we not have as much fun?! Don’t I deserve a few tears?!! I mean we-we told Joey, he cried his eyes out!

Joey: Hey! I did not cry my eyes out!! Come on! It’s like the end of an era! No more J-man and Channie’s!!

Chandler: Okay, I gotta ask, who calls us that?!

[Scene: Ross’s lawyer’s office, his name is Russell and has just been told by Ross about his current situation.]
Russell: You got married again.
Ross: Yes.

Russell: So that’s your second marriage in two years.

Ross: Yes, second in two years. Third overall.

Russell: Ross, I have been a divorce attorney for 23 years and never had I so much business from one client. Why don’t you tell me what happened.

Ross: Basically, Rachel and I were in Vegas and we got drunk…

Russell: (interrupting) I’m sorry, is this the same Rachel who’s name you said at the altar in the second marriage?

Ross: Yes-yes-yes! But, I-I do not love her.

Russell: Oh, that’s better then.

Ross: This was just a drunken mistake and I need to get it annulled.

Russell: I see. Have you considered therapy?

Ross: I think just the annulment for today.

Russell: There are a couple of forms to fill out.

Ross: Easy.

Russell: And we’ll need to have witnesses who can testify that you were not of uh, sound mind.

Ross: No problem.

Russell: And we’ll need you and Rachel to testify before a judge.

Ross: Ooh! There’s no way to do this without her? ‘Cause I kinda all ready told her uh, it was, it was already taken care of.

Russell: Of course you did. Look Ross, you can’t get an annulment unless you and Rachel are both there.

Ross: Uh-ha, what about someone who looks like Rachel? (Russell glares at him.) I will think about the therapy.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is painting her toe nails as Monica enters.]
Rachel: Hey!
Monica: Hey. So um, I was thinking that maybe we should start dividing up our stuff.

Rachel: Okay!

Monica: Y’know, no point in dragging it out. Dragging out the long process of you moving out and us not living together anymore.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: Hey Rach, what about this? (She holds up a chrome 5-point star.) Huh? Who-who gets this? See, I don’t know if I want it because it might be y’know, too many memories!

Rachel: (grabbing the star) What the hell is that?

Monica: I don’t know. (Picks up a big plate from the coffee table.) Hey, Rachel, you want the big plate? I want you to have the big plate.

Rachel: Wow! Mon, thanks! I love this plate!

Monica: Something to remember me by!

Rachel: Mon, honey you’re not dying. I’m just moving out. Y’know, I mean we’re gonna see each other all the time.

Monica: But still, it’s a big change. The end of an era, you might say!

Rachel: Are you okay? You’re not blinking.

Monica: I’m fine! I just, I’m thinking how much it’s an end of era.

Rachel: Oh, all right. But y’know I gotta say, I don’t, I don’t think six years counts as an era.

Monica: An era is defined as a significant period of time. Now, it was significant to me, maybe it wasn’t significant to you!

Rachel: What is the matter with you?!

Monica: What is the matter with you?!! Why aren’t you more upset?! Aren’t you gonna be sad that we’re not gonna be living together anymore?! I mean aren’t you gonna miss me at all?!

Rachel: All right, fine, but don’t get mad at me. It’s-it’s just a little hard to believe.

Monica: What’s hard to believe?

Rachel: Well y’know, it’s you guys. You-you do this kind of stuff! Y’know? I mean, you-you were gonna get married in Vegas and then you backed out! I guess I’m not upset because I don’t see you guys going through with it. I’m sorry.

Monica: Rachel, it’s going to happen. Chandler is gonna move in here.

Rachel: But I…

Monica: No-no, wait! Just let me finish, okay? This isn’t something that we just, we just impulsively decided in-in Vegas, this is something we both really want. And it is going to happen.

Rachel: It is? Really?

Monica: Yeah, sweetie.

Rachel: (starting to lose her composure) I mean we’re not, we’re not gonna live together anymore?

Monica: No.

Rachel: What? Oh my God! I’m gonna miss you so much! (Starts to cry.)

Monica: I’m gonna miss you! (They hug.)

Rachel: I mean it’s the end of an era!

Monica: I know!

[Scene: The hallway, Ross is coming up the stairs as Phoebe leaves Joey and Chandler’s.]
Phoebe: (to Joey and Chandler) Okay, bye!
Ross: Oh no.

Phoebe: So? Did you get the annulment?

Ross: I couldn’t.

Phoebe: I knew it! Because you love Rachel.

Ross: It’s not that. Okay? Annulments are more complicated than I…

Phoebe: Yeah, complicated ‘cause of the love.

Ross: I… I do, I do not love Rachel. I’m gonna tell her right now about the whole thing so we can get this marriage annulled as fast as possible. Okay? Would I do that if I loved her?

Phoebe: I’ve never been more convinced of your love for her.

Ross: I do not have feelings for Rachel! Okay?! (He goes into her apartment.)

[Cut to Monica and Rachel’s as Ross walks through the door. Rachel is holding the chrome star and crying.]

Ross: Ohh, what’s wrong?!

Rachel: Monica and Chandler are really moving in here and I have to move out and everything is changing.

Ross: Oh my—Come here! Come here! (He hugs her.) It’s okay. Everything’s gonna be okay.

Rachel: Thank you.

Ross: Of course.

(Ross suddenly realizes something.)

Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are talking.]
Joey: So, Ross and Rachel got married, Monica and Chandler almost got married, do you think you and I should hook up?
Phoebe: Oh we do, but not just yet.

Joey: Really?! Well, when?

Phoebe: Okay umm, well, first Chandler and Monica will get married and be filthy rich by the way. Yeah. But it won’t work out.

Joey: Wow.

Phoebe: I know. Then, I’m gonna marry Chandler for the money and you’ll marry Rachel and have the beautiful kids.

Joey: Great!

Phoebe: But then we ditch those two and that’s when we get married. We’ll have Chandler’s money and Rachel’s kids and getting custody will be easy because of Rachel’s drinking problem.

Joey: Oh-oh, what about Ross?

Phoebe: I don’t want to go into the whole thing, but umm, we have words and I kill him.

Chandler: Okay! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps his hands) We're gonna get married!

Monica: Are you sure you wanna do this?

(Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!)

Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some rice.)

Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! (Throws some more rice.)

(They storm out into the street.)

Rachel: Wait! (Gets her bearings) Okay!

(She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they're standing there dumbstruck.)

Monica: Whoa!

Chandler: Oh my God!

Joey: (entering with Phoebe) Come on Pheebs! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

Phoebe: Okay! Okay! Okay! (They run into the chapel.)

(Chandler and Monica are stunned again.)

Chandler: Oh my God!! Is everybody getting married?!!

(Phoebe and Joey run back out and head towards the street.)

Attendant: (scolding them) N-No running in the chapel!

Phoebe: (to her) Hey! Don’t you give me any of your—Hey! (Sees Chandler and Monica standing there.)

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Monica: What are you guys doing here?

Joey: Ross and Rachel left us a message saying they were getting married! Isn’t that why you guys are here?

Chandler: Yes! Well that-yes.

Monica: Why else would we be here?

Joey: Well! What happened?! Did we miss it?

Chandler: We actually missed it.

Phoebe: Well, maybe you wouldn’t have had you (turns to the attendant) run in the chapel!

Monica: This is insane!

Phoebe: What’s the big deal, y’know? It’s not like it’s a real marriage.

Chandler: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah, if you get married in Vegas, you’re only married in Vegas.

Monica: What are you talking about? If you get married in Vegas you’re married everywhere.

Phoebe: (shocked) Really?!

Monica: Yeah!

Phoebe: Oh my God!—Eh! Well…

Opening Credits

{Transciber’s note: In case you haven’t heard, Courteney Cox got married to David Arquette during hiatus and changed her name to Courteney Cox Arquette. But David was a busy boy during the off season for not only did he marry but everyone else as well. For they’re all listed as Jennifer Aniston Arquette, Lisa Kudrow Arquette, in an interesting twist Matt LeBlanc Arquette, Matthew Perry Arquette, David Schwimmer Arquette, and even the creators of the show are now David Crane Arquette and Marta Kauffman Arquette. I just wonder what the new sleeping arrangements are…}

[Scene: Rachel’s hotel room, she’s waking up with a horrendous hangover.]
Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks in the mirror and sees that she still has her mustache and groans.)
(Suddenly, there’s movement beside her, startling her. It’s Ross! He wakes up and they both start screaming in terror. Then they both grab their heads having aggravated their hangovers.)

Ross: Why are we in bed together?

Rachel: I don’t know. Do-do you have any clothes on?

Ross: (checks) Yeah.

Rachel: Really?!

Ross: No! But we-we didn’t have…sex-uh, did we? I mean, I don’t remember much about last night, it was such a blur.

Rachel: Oh! I remember laughing! I laughed a lot.

Ross: And we didn’t have sex.

(Rachel agrees with him and starts to get out of bed.)

Rachel: Ohh, I mean, we were really drunk. I’m just glad we didn’t do anything stupid.

Ross: (getting up) Tell me about it. (He sits up on the edge of the bed and has "Just Married" written on his back.)

[Scene: The breakfast buffet, Phoebe is already sitting at the table as Joey enters.]
Joey: Mornin’ Pheebs. (Sits down.) Well, my movie has officially been canceled.
Phoebe: Oh Joey, I’m so sorry. You want some of my breakfast?

Joey: Nah, I’m too depressed to eat. I’ll probably eat in like 5 minutes. So I guess I’ll just fly home with you guys, what time’s your flight?

Phoebe: What about my cab?

Joey: I don’t need that anymore.

Phoebe: No, Joey! You borrowed my cab; you have to drive it back.

Joey: I don’t want to drive all the way back by myself, I get so lonely. (Gets an idea.) Oh—ooh! How about you come with me?

Phoebe: I don’t know, it’s such a long trip.

Joey: It’ll be great! We-we could talk, and play games! Huh? This could be our chance to like renew our friendship.

Phoebe: Are you asking me to have a frenaissance?

Joey: Sure?

Phoebe: All right. Although I don’t think we need one, I never stopped loving you.

(Chandler and Monica enter.)

Chandler: Hi!

Joey: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: So, has anyone talked to Dr. and Mrs. Geller yet?

Phoebe: Um-hmm, yeah. They left me a message; they should be here any minute.

Joey: Where is the waitress?! I’m starving!

Chandler: It’s a buffet man.

Joey: Oh, here’s where I win all my money back! (Gets up and heads for the buffet table with Chandler in tow.)

Chandler: Listen, I gotta talk to you.

Joey: Sure! What’s up? (He grabs a plate and proceeds to load it with a huge pile of scrambled eggs. Chandler just stares at him and Joey reluctantly gives him a spoonful.)

Chandler: Monica and I almost got married last night.

Joey: Oh my God! That’s huge! (Hugs him.) Wait a minute, why come I wasn’t invited? And who was going to be your best man? Don’t say, "Ross." Do not say, "Ross."

Chandler: Look, I just don’t think Monica and I are ready to get married yet! Y’know? I mean, I love her and everything but seeing Ross and Rachel coming out of that chapel was like a, like a wake-up call that Monica and I are moving so fast. Y’know? And, how do I tell her without crushing her?

Joey: Oh! Tell her she’s not marriage material.

Chandler: What?!

Joey: Girls say it to me all the time! And believe me, if she’s anything like me, she’s just gonna be relieved.

[Pan to Monica and Phoebe having the same conversation.]

Monica: How do I tell Chandler that it’s too soon. It’s gonna break his heart, he’s not gonna think that I don’t love him anymore.

Phoebe: Well you don’t.

Monica: Yes I do!

Phoebe: Good! Good! I was just testing you.

Chandler: (returning with Joey) Hi.

Monica: Oh hi! Hi! Y’know, we were just talking about bacon.

Phoebe: No, we were talking about tennis. Tennis is more believable.

(Ross and Rachel enter.)

Ross: Hey!

The Girls: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

(They both sit down and Rachel pours them both some coffee. They’re acting like nothing’s happened and everyone is just staring at them.)

Ross: What?

Chandler: Are we gonna talk about what you guys did last night? Or…

Rachel: (To Ross) I don’t know. (To the gang.) What do you mean last night? Nothing, nothing uh, happened last night.

Ross: Yeah!

Phoebe: Uh-huh! Ross invited us all to watch.

(Rachel turns to Ross stunned.)

Monica: Rach! We weren’t gonna miss our friends getting married!

Rachel: (gasps) Who got married?! (Ross is as surprised to hear this as she is.)

Chandler: (not quite sure) You did.

Ross: What?! Hello! We didn’t get married.

Rachel: No, we didn’t get married! That’s ridiculous!

(They turn to look at each other and suddenly remember that they did in fact get married.)

Ross: We-we-we—I remember being in a chapel.

Rachel: Oh my God.

Ross: I—They would not let us get married when we were that drunk!

Rachel: No!

Joey: They let you get married when you’re drunk! Most people who get married in Vegas are drunk!

Phoebe: Hell, I’m drunk right now! (They all turn and look at her.) What? I can’t have a mimosa with breakfast?! I’m on vacation!

Monica: What are you guys gonna do?

Rachel: Well, I guess we just find a divorce lawyer? (Looks at Ross.)

Chandler: Well, I think, I think, Ross already has one. Now, this one’s free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so the third one’s free.

Ross: Laugh it up, but the joke’s on you. Because we don’t need to get divorced, okay? We we’re just gonna get an annulment.

Joey: An annulment? Ross! I don’t think surgery’s the answer here.

Phoebe: Oh-oh, that’s your thing.

Ross: What?

Phoebe: You’re thing. You’re thing. Y’know? You’re the guy who gets divorced.

All: Oh yeah!

Ross: No-no, that’s-that’s not my thing! I do not love getting divorced!

Phoebe: Yes you do! This is your third divorce! You love divorce so much you’re probably gonna marry it! Then it won’t work out and you’re gonna have to divorce it, divorcing guy. (Pause) I’m so drunk.

[Scene: The casino floor, Chandler and Monica are walking through it.]
Monica: So, what do you think we should do?
Chandler: I don’t know. But I-I-I know I love you!

Monica: I know I love you! (They hug.)

Chandler: So where are we on the whole going back to the place where they have all the marriages thing? I love you.

Monica: That’s a good question. Look umm, last night we let the dice decide. Maybe we should leave it up to fate again. I love you!

Chandler: Yes, we don’t get married unless there’s a sign! Okay, so say uh, say you roll another eight (motions to the craps table) then there’s a definite sign that we should get married.

Monica: All right, eight we get married, but 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12 we don’t get married.

Chandler: Sounds great.

Monica: Okay. (They approach the craps table.)

Croupler: Coming in, we got a shooter! Money please.

Monica: Ready?

Chandler: Ready!

Monica: (sarcastic) Come on eight.

Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, yes eight.

(Monica rolls the dice.)

Croupler: Eight! Easy eight. (She rolls a 3 and a 5 and they’re stunned.)

Monica: Wow! I can’t believe I actually rolled an eight.

Chandler: That was so unlikely. Well, let’s get married! I guess.

Monica: Wait a minute. That wasn’t a hard eight! Last night I rolled a hard eight.

Chandler: That’s right! It was the wrong kind of eight, no wedding! Damnit!

Monica: I wanted it so bad! (Pause) Wanna go pack?

Chandler: Yeah. (They go pack.) We’re doing the right thing, right?

Monica: Ohh, of course we are! (They walk up to the elevators.) We left it up to fate. (Pushes the elevator button.) If we were supposed to get married there would be a clear-cut sign. (The elevator door opens to a priest reading from a bible with Chandler and Monica standing side-by-side holding each other’s hands.)

[Scene: Phoebe’s cab, Phoebe and Joey are driving back. Phoebe is driving while Joey is sleeping.]
Phoebe: Okay, you have 19 questions left. Use them wisely. (Joey groans.) Come on Joey! You can’t win if you don’t ask any (sees that he’s asleep) QUESTIONS!!!
Joey: (wakes up) What?!

Phoebe: Well, you promised me a fun road trip! We’ve been on the road six hours and you’ve been asleep for five and a half! We are switching at the next rest stop and you are going to drive all the way back! That will be your punishment, you greedy sleeper!

Joey: All right. All right.

Phoebe: Yeah! And until then you are going to sing to me because the radio’s broken and you are selfish but have a nice voice.

Joey: Really? I don’t…

Phoebe: Sing!!

Joey: (starts singing) I wanna rock and roll all night! (Falls asleep.)

[Time lapse, Phoebe is asleep, Joey’s driving and having a hard time staying awake.]

Joey: (to himself) Man, this is a long drive! Are my eyes open? No! (He opens his eyes and sees a hitchhiker.)

[Time lapse, Phoebe is still asleep only Joey is now passed out next to her and the car’s still moving. She wakes up, sees Joey, and screams.]

Hitchhiker: (driving) Morning! (Phoebe screams again.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the couch as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hey, hubby!

Ross: Yeah. Yeah, actually um, I wanted to talk to you about that whole annulment thing?

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Ross: I’m not going to do that. (Rachel glares at him.)

Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier. Rachel starts laughing.]
Rachel: Okay! So, we’ll just stay married.
Ross: Yes, exactly!

Rachel: And I will make everyone call me Mrs. Geller!

Ross: Wow! This is so amazing. I uh, I really thought I’d have to talk you into this more.

Rachel: Okay, see now I’m scared because I don’t actually think you’re kidding.

Ross: I’m-I’m not kidding. Look I-I, I can’t have three failed marriages. I can’t. Okay? I-I am not gonna be that guy!

Rachel: What-wh-what so we’ll just stay married forever?!

Ross: Okay, look, how is this gonna affect you? Really? I mean you fill some form out once and a while and instead of checking the box that says Ms you check the box that says Mrs.! It’s right next to it!

Rachel: Ohh, okay, I’m sorry. You’re right. Y’know what? We absolutely can stay married, because I was under the impression that the boxes were far away from each other. All right, look, just please, take a moment here and think about what you’re asking of me.

Ross: I’m asking you to do me a favor.

{Note: Does anyone else want to smack Ross right about now? Raise your hands. Okay, put them down before you stink out the person next to you.}

Rachel: You are asking me to be your wife!

Ross: And as my wife I think you should grant me this favor.

[Scene: The hallway, Chandler is helping Monica to the door.]
Monica: That kid really kicked me hard on the plane.
Chandler: Well you did pull his hair.

Monica: He took my snack!

Chandler: I’m not getting into this again!

Monica: Okay! Oh God, y’know what? It’s really bad.

Chandler: Well, I told you not to walk. Here. (Picks her up.) There. Okay. (He opens the door, carries her across the threshold, stops, backs out, and lets go of Monica who is only holding on by his neck.)

Monica: This doesn’t mean anything, does it?

Chandler: No!

Monica: Okay.

[Scene: Phoebe’s cab, she’s driving, Joey’s in the back seat, and the hitchhiker is riding up front with Phoebe.]
Phoebe: (To Joey) How could you pick up a hitchhiker?! He could be a rape—(She holds her hand in front of the hitchhiker’s face), a rapist or a killer or something!
Joey: Don’t you think I asked him that before he got in?!

Phoebe: Y’know what? I’m not talking to you! You go back to sleep! (To the hitchhiker) And you, are you a rapist?!

Hitchhiker: No!

Phoebe: Do you like car games?

Hitchhiker: Yeah, y’know the license plate game?

Phoebe: I love the license plate game!

Joey: Ooh, I’ll play! I’ll play!

Phoebe: No-No! You need your sleep. Night-night! Shh! (She closes the partition.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hey!

Ross: Listen, I know you wanted to talk to me, but I have an idea that may make you want to stay married. (Rachel shakes her head.) We register, and you get to keep all the presents!

Rachel: (thinks about it for a second) No! Ross, come on! No! Listen, look I thought a lot about how to tell you this and the bottom line, Ross, is we can not stay married.

Ross: I don’t know if it’s true.

Rachel: Oh b-b-but it is!

Ross: Oh, okay, y’know what this is? This is a difference of opinion. And when that happens in a marriage...

Rachel: Oh Ross, come on! This is not, this is not a marriage!! This is the world’s worst hangover! Ross, listen, if you do not get this annulment, I will!

Ross: All right. All right, I’ll do it.

Rachel: Thank you. (He goes to leave.) Hey-hey umm, uh, is there, is there any such thing as an annulment shower?

(Ross turns and leaves.)

[Scene: Phoebe’s cab, it’s the same arrangement as before.]
Hitchhiker: Wait! Wait! There is the train station!
Phoebe: Oh, okay.

Hitchhiker: This is where I get off. Well, I have your address and phone number.

Phoebe: And I have your name and the fact that you’re a drifter, so the ball’s pretty much in your court.

Hitchhiker: All right, see ya Pheebs. (Gets out and Phoebe drives away.)

Joey: Come on Pheebs! I can’t take this anymore! Let-let me make it up to you. Huh? (Starts singing.) Ground control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engines on. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on!

Phoebe: Stop it! Stop it no! That’s not fair! Y’know I can’t resist that beautiful voice!

Joey: Pheebs, I am so sorry! I know I promised you a fun road trip with your friend and I didn’t deliver. But-but-but now I know that you think being awake is an important part of friendship! So, so, so I will strive to-to stay awake for as long as I know you.

Phoebe: You can still sleep at night and stuff.

Joey: Well, thank you. So, can we play 20 Questions now? I’ve got a really good one! I’ve been thinking about it since Kansas.

Phoebe: Okay. Is it a kind of hot sandwich?

Joey: Yes.

Phoebe: Is it a meatball sub?

Joey: That is incredible! You are the master!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are there and Rachel is arranging a bouquet of flowers, pricks her finger on a thorn, throws the bouquet over her head, and those you who are quicker than some already know that Monica is the one who catches it.]
Rachel: Huh, that’s funny. You look like you’re gonna be the…
Monica: No, don’t say it! Don’t even think it!

Rachel: All right. Okay Chandler, enjoy your handful. (Exits.)

Chandler: All right, should we just, should we just get married? Y’know? I mean should we just do it? All the signs are telling us to do it.

Monica: I’m sick of the signs! It’s too fast, I’m happy the way things are!

Chandler: Me too!

Monica: I don’t want things to change! Do you?

Chandler: No!

Monica: All right then, then nothing changes! Everything is great! Everything stays the same! And you go unpack because it’s been three days and it’s driving me insane!

Chandler: Jeez, relax! It’s not like we’re mar-ah-ah!! (Runs out.)

Chandler: (entering, slowly) Y’know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack here?

Monica: Then all your stuff would be here.

Chandler: Well, what if all my stuff was here?

Monica: Then you’d be going back and forth all the time, I mean it doesn’t make any sense.

Chandler: Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what I’m saying?

Monica: Live together? There have been no signs for that.

Chandler: Me asking is kind of a sign.

Monica: YES!!!!!!!!

Chandler: Okay!!!!!

(And the crowd goes wild! Well, at least the live studio audience.)

Monica: Yes! Okay! Okay! Wait-wait-wait!

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Here’s your key (Gets him one.)

Chandler: Oh thanks.

Monica: Here’s your key. All right, you have to christen it! Now, go out and come back in!

Chandler: The door hasn’t been locked in five years, but okay! (Runs out.) Ready?!

Monica: Ready!

(He tries, but something happens.)

Chandler: Okay, a little problem. The key broke in the lock and I can’t get in!

Monica: Wait! Oh my God! I can’t get out!

Chandler: This is not a sign!

Monica: No, it’s not a sign! It’s a very old key!

Chandler: It’s an old key!

Monica: Oh my God it’s old!

Chandler: I love you!

Monica: I love you!

Chandler: Are you hugging the door right now.

(Pause)

Monica: No.

Chandler: Yeah-yeah, me neither.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are on the couch as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hey, so did everything go all right with the annulment?

Ross: Oh, yeah, no problems. It’s all taken care of.

Rachel: Ross, thank you. Hey, do you guys wanna go see a movie?

Ross: Oh yeah, why not?

Rachel: Pheebs?

Phoebe: No thanks, I’ve already seen one.

Rachel: Okay, umm, I’m gonna get my sweater. (Walks away.)

Ross: Okay. (Sits down next to Phoebe.) You uh, you wanna hear something weird?

Phoebe: Always.

Ross: I didn’t get the annulment.

Phoebe: What?!

Ross: We’re still married! Don’t tell Rachel. See you later. (He gets up leaving Phoebe in shock.)

Ending Credits
[Scene: The hallway, Joey is coming up the stairs and sees Chandler trying to open the lock.]
Joey: What are you doing?
Chandler: The key’s stuck in the lock.

Joey: I can fix it. Hold on. (He goes and gets a screwdriver from his apartment) Look out. Look out. (Pries at the door a little bit.)

Chandler: (trying the handle) It still doesn’t work.

Joey: I’m not finished.

Chandler: Oh.

(Joey goes back into the apartment, runs back into the hallway, throws his shoulder against the door, and knocks it down off it’s hinges.)

Chandler: Nice job Joe! You’re quite the craftsmen.

(Joey pats him on the stomach and heads to bed.)

Ross: I think the check in is that way. (Points)

Rachel: Ahh.

(A young boy sees Rachel, points, and starts laughing.)

Rachel: Hello! (She makes a face and the kid laughs harder. Finally, his parents drag him off.) Ohh, kids love me.

Phoebe: (sees Ross and Rachel) Hey!

Ross: Phoebe! (They hug.)

Phoebe: You guys are here! Yay!

Rachel: Hi! (Hugs Phoebe)

Phoebe: (sees Rachel's face) What? Did you go to a costume party? Let me guess umm Pancho Vila? (Points at Rachel) and you're Bob Saget. (An old lady has sat down at the slot machine Phoebe was just at.)

Rachel: Pancho Vila?

Phoebe: Yeah! (Motions to her face, indicating all of Rachel's "make-up.")

Rachel: What are you talking about Pheebs? (Takes out her compact) I don't… (She gasps when she looks in the mirror and sees her face.) (To Ross) Oh my God, you drew on me?!

Ross: Hey, you wet my pants!

Phoebe: Whoa, what kind of party was this?

Rachel: Ross, I have been walking around like this since the plane! I can—you have so crossed a line. (Heads for the bathroom)

Ross: Rach! Wait! The men's room is that way. (Points in the other direction. Rachel hits him with her purse and heads for the ladies room.)

(The old lady at Phoebe's machine wins. Phoebe turns around in shock.)

Phoebe: Ugh!

Ross: What?

Phoebe: That's like the third time that lady's won on a machine I was playing.

Ross: Oooohhh, I'll bet she's one of those people.

Phoebe: M-M-Mole people?

Ross: What? No-no, a lurker.

Phoebe: Oh. What's a lurker?

Ross: Okay when you're playing a machine and it hasn't paid out, a lurker waits for you to give up and then…

Phoebe: Kills you?

Ross: No. They swoop in and steal your jackpot.

Phoebe: Ohhh!

Ross: Uh-hmm.

Phoebe: How do you know about this?

Ross: My nana used to do it. That's how she paid for all my dance—karate lessons.

Phoebe: Dance karate?

Ross: Yes, it's a deadly but beautiful sport. (Does a karate chop, then does a little dance-type sway.)

Rachel: (returning with her purse covering her face) All right, it won't come off!

Ross: What?!

Rachel: It won't come off!

Ross: Oh my God! Rach-Rach, are-are-are you sure?

Rachel: No, actually I took it off then I drew it back on.

Joey: (entering) Hey-hey-hey you made it!

Ross: Joey!!

Joey: All right! Hey-hey!

Rachel: Hi!!

Joey: Who's your friend? He's hot! (Ross laughs and Rachel smacks him with her purse.)

Ross: (To Joey) Thanks man.

Rachel: Hi. (She hugs Joey.)

Ross: Hey listen I uh, talked to Chandler, sorry about the movie.

Joey: No, don't be sorry. I don't need it anymore. I found my identical hand twin!

Ross: Your what?

Joey: My identical hand twin! The person whose hands are exactly like mine! This thing is a gold mine!

Ross: What?! That's not gonna make you any money!

Joey: Okay. Well, if that's how you feel about it, fine! None of you get to live with me in my great big hand-shaped mansion! Except uh, you Pheebs. You can live in the thumb.

[Scene: The craps table, Monica is on a big roll.]
Monica: All right baby, come on! (Rolls the dice) Yes! Yes! I am on fire!

Chandler: (walking by with his luggage) See you later Mon.

Monica: Wait Chandler, what are you doing?!

Chandler: What does it look like? I'm going home.

Monica: What? Wait! Why? (He turns and heads for the door and she chases after him.) Chandler! Chandler! Wait! I’m sorry, I was just playing for one second! I was trying to find you to tell you that, look if you don't want me to see Richard again, I won't! He means nothing to me!

Chandler: Come on! I was there! (He's propped up with his hand on a statute of a naked guy. He winces and pulls his hand away.) I know he's the love of your life.

Monica: Not any more.

Chandler: Really?!

Monica: Really! (They hug and kiss) All right? Let's forget about this going home stuff and celebrate our anniversary. (She picks up his suitcase.) Okay, this is empty.

Chandler: Yeah, I wanted to make a dramatic scene, but I hate packing.

[Scene: A blackjack table, it's the same one Joey's hand twin was working at, only he's not there anymore and has been replaced by a beautiful woman.]
Joey: (entering) Uhh, hey. Where's the other guy?

The Woman Dealer: Which guy?

Joey: He's kinda tall, dark hair, hand looks exactly like this. (Holds up his hand.) See?

The Woman Dealer: I don't know about the hands, but the guy that was here before me just went to the bathroom.

Joey: Okay! (Walks away, then turns back.) How you doin'?

The Woman Dealer: Very busy.

Joey: Right! Okay. (Heads for the bathroom.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's hotel room, Rachel is still trying to get the ink off and Ross is on the phone to the company. Wait a minute, why exactly are they sharing a hotel room? Didn't they like break-up or something? Did I miss a memo? Or maybe, it's just foreshadowing things to come. Who knows? Maybe the answer's at the bottom of the page. Then again, maybe it isn't and it's just one of those things TV writers just don't explain. Anyhoo…]
Ross: (on the phone) Yes, hello. I have a question. Umm, I used your pen to draw on my friend's face. (Listens) A beard and a moustache. (Listens and laughs) Thank you. (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) No, she didn't think so. (Listens) I know it's like (turns and sees Rachel staring at him and quickly changes the subject) anyway, umm well make-up didn't cover it and we've tried everything to get it off and nothing's worked. What-what do we do? (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Oh! Okay. (Listens) Okay, thank you! (Rachel gets excited at his tone.) (Hangs up the phone) Yeah, it's not coming off.

Rachel: What?! What else did he say?

Ross: Umm, he said he thought I was funny. So…(Rachel stares at him.) Okay, look-look umm, let's just go downstairs, we'll have some fun, and you will forget all about it.

Rachel: Ross, no! There is no way I am leaving this room looking like this!

Ross: Oh, come on! Rach, it's-it's not that bad.

Rachel: Ross, I am a human doodle!!

Ross: Look, just because some idiot drew on your face doesn't mean you shouldn't have any fun! Okay? And besides, hey-hey-hey no one is even gonna look at you. Okay? This is Vegas! Hello! There are tons of other freaks here! (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) There are tons…of…freaks here. No other. No. Come on! No one will notice, I swear!

(They both exit.)

[Time lapse, they're both entering.]

Ross: Okay, there was some staring and pointing.

Rachel: Okay, I need a, I need a drink! (Makes a beeline for the mini-bar.)

Ross: Oh, hey y'know, they-they really overcharge you for that stuff. (Rachel glares at him.) But who cares?! Because it's all on me! (Rachel reaches into the fridge and pulls out two handfuls of those mini booze bottles.) (Watching her.) That is, one big drink!

Rachel: (she's finished reliving the fridge of its entire alcohol content.) Macadamia nut?

Ross: (looking at the price list) Umm… Wow! That's-that's some pricey nut!

Rachel: Hm-mmm! (Opens the container)

Ross: Really like those Macadamia nuts, huh?

Rachel: Nope! (She puts one in her mouth and spits it out, then does it again in another direction.)

[Scene: The casino, Phoebe is playing on a slot machine. Suddenly the lurker sticks her head around the aisle of slot machines.]
Phoebe: (seeing her) Get out of here you lurker! (She doesn't move) Go on! Get! (She throws a quarter at her.)

Chandler: (arm-in-arm with Monica) Hey Pheebs!

Phoebe: Ohh! You made up!

Monica: Yeah, I couldn't be mad at him for too long.

Chandler: Yeah, she couldn't live without the Chan Love. (They start kissing.)

Phoebe: Ohh, get a room.

Monica: We have one.

Phoebe: I know. Use it.

[Scene: The Men's room, Joey is entering and sees his hand twin washing his hands.]
Joey: Oh-oh-oh, yeah! (He grabs some towels and takes them to him.) That's right, you take good care of those babies!

Joey's Hand Twin: Excuse me?

Joey: It's me, Joey!

Joey's Hand Twin: Do I know you?

Joey: (holds up his hand) Joey!

Joey's Hand Twin: Oh-ho, yeah. Yeah, the hand guy.

Joey: Okay, so what are we going to do about this hand twin thing?!

Joey's Hand Twin: Nothing?

Joey: Look, you and I have been given a gift. Okay? We have to do something with it. Like-like, hand modeling! Huh? Or-or magic! And you know NASA's gonna wanna talk to us!

Joey's Hand Twin: (tries to leave) I have to get back to…

Joey: (stopping him) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-whoa! We could have our own show! Y'know we could clap our hands together people will love it! Huh? And-and-and I wrote a song for us! (Singing, to the tune of This Land is Your Land) This hand is your hand! This hand is my hand! Oh wait, that's your hand! No wait, it's my hand!

Joey's Hand Twin: That's okay. (Walks out.)

Joey: (following him) But you haven't even heard the chorus!

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's room, Ross is drinking a beer while Rachel is examining herself in the mirror.]
Rachel: Oh my God, I'm starting to look like my great aunt, Muriel.

Ross: (gets up) All right. Y'know what? We don’t have to go downstairs! We can bring Vegas up to us! (He grabs a deck of cards and pulls up a chair.) All right, come on, come on, we'll play some blackjack. Here we go. (Deals the cards.) 13.

Rachel: Hit me!

Ross: (does so) Oohh, 23. (Rachel looks at him.) Which is what we play to at this casino! You win 10 dollars! (Holds out a ten.)

Rachel: I bet 20.

Ross: You're right! (Gives her the twenty she won.)

[Scene: The Craps Table, Monica is still on her roll, only this time Chandler's with her and she has a huge crowd of people around.]
Monica: (shaking the dice) A new pair of shoes for the Chan-Chan man! (Rolls the dice.) Yes!

Chandler: Yes! I've-I've never seen a roll like this in my life!

Monica: That's right baby! Okay, what do I want now?

Chandler: Okay, ah umm, ah, a 8. Ah, a 6?

Monica: Pick a number! That is your only job!

Chandler: 8. 8!

Monica: Thank you!

Chandler: If you get this one, we buy everybody here a steak dinner!

All: Yay!!

The Croupier: 8!

Monica: Yes!

All: Yay!!

Monica: (To Chandler) We're not really gonna buy these people steak dinners are we?

Chandler: Noo!

Monica: Okay, good! Okay, what do I want now?

Chandler: Ahh, ooh, try a hard 8.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Two fours.

Monica: Okay. (Rolls the dice)

The Croupier: 8!:

A Drunken Gambler: (To Chandler) Don't you let her go! You're a lucky guy!

Chandler: Thank you, Mister Drunken Gambler! Okay, you get this and uh, we get the biggest suite in the place! (Everyone cheers) Wait-wait-wait-wait! We (motions to Monica and him.) get the biggest suite in the place.

Monica: All right, biggest suite in the place. Come on! (Rolls the dice.)

Chandler: (sees the roll) Yes!! I love you! I can't even remember what we were fighting about!

Monica: Oh, that's because I had lunch with Rich—Me neither! Okay, what do I want now?

Chandler: Another hard 8.

Monica: Hard 8?! We should call it easy 8!

Chandler: Okay, okay, I tell you what. You roll another hard eight; (pause) and we get married here tonight.

Drunken Gambler: Go! Come on! Roll!

All: Roll-roll!!

Monica: Shut up!! It just got interesting!

Commercial Break
[Scene: The Craps table, continued from earlier.]
Monica: What did you just say?

Chandler: You roll another hard eight and we get married here tonight.

Monica: Are you serious?!

Chandler: Yes! I love you! I've never loved anybody as much as I love you.

Monica: I've never loved anybody as much as I love you.

Chandler: Okay, so if an eight comes up, we take it as a sign and we do it! {Whoa! Where have I heard that before? Matthew Perry talking about signs in Las Vegas. I guess it must've been some movie I saw.} What do you say?

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: Okay! Come on! Let's go! All right!

(She rolls the dice, but one bounces out of the table.)

Chandler: (spots one) Okay! That's a four! And where-where's the other one?

Drunken Gambler: It went under the table.

Monica: Nobody move! (To Chandler) Okay, you look that way; I'll look this way!

Chandler: All right!

(He searches to his right; she searches to her left. They're both on their hands and knees when they spot the die. It's propped up against the table leg, and it's not lying flat. Both the four and the five are showing.)

Chandler: Here it is! Here it is!

Monica: That could be a four or a five. It's your call.

(Pause.)

Chandler: It's a four.

Monica: I think so too.

(Cue up the music as they move in and kiss. This time it's Dean Martin (For those of you in France, that was Jerry Lewis's straight man). It's Everybody loves somebody, sometime! Everybody falls in love somehow! Something in your kiss, just told me, my sometime, is now!)

[Scene: The slot machines, Phoebe is still feeding quarters into the one-armed bandit as the lurker peeks over the top of the machines.]
Phoebe: Oh well, lost again. (She gets up and slowly moves away. The lurker scurries in and takes her spot, only this time Phoebe set a trap for her and catches her in the act.) That's it! You and me, outside!

The Lurker: I don't want to see you lose a chunk of that pretty blond hair!

(They start smacking each other's cups, but Phoebe notices a security guard approaching.)

Phoebe: Be cool! (They both pretend to have a nice conversation as the guard walks by, but after he leaves they both start fighting again.) Okay lady, your lurking days are over!

The Lurker: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah, from now on everyone you lurk, I'm gonna lurk first! You move on to someone else, I'm gonna be one step ahead of you, every single time! And then I'll be on your ass every hour of every day 'til Monday, because that's when I go home. When do you leave?

The Lurker: Also Monday.

Phoebe: What time? Maybe we can share a cab!

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's room, they've pretty much consumed the entire mini-bar. Needless to say, they're feeling no pain and are still playing blackjack.]
Rachel: Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (She slows down with each one.)

Ross: (runs out of cards) We need more cards.

Rachel: Yeah, and also we need more umm, drinks. Hold on a second. (Gets up but stumbles a little bit.) Whup, okay. (She makes it to the phone and picks it up, without dialing.) Hello! Vegas? Yeah, we would like some more alcohol, and y'know what else? We would like some more beers. Hello? Ohh, I forgot to dial!

(They both start laughing. There's a knock on the door.)

Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers! (Gets up to answer it.)

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Ohh, it's Joey! I love Joey! (Hugs him.)

Rachel: Ohh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck! (Goes and hugs Joey.)

Joey: Hi!

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: Look-look-look you guys, I need some help! Okay? Someone is going to have to convince my hand twin to cooperate!

Ross: I'll do it. Hey, whatever you need me to do, I'm your man. (He starts to sit down on the bed. There's one problem though, he's about two feet to the left of it. Needless to say, he misses and falls on his butt.) (Looking up at Joey.) Whoa-oh-whoa! Are you, are you okay?

Joey: Yeah! I'm fine! Thanks! (He starts to leave, but gets an idea and stops.) Hey Rach, how you doin'?

Rachel: I'm doin' good, baby. How you doin'?

Joey: Ross, don't let her drink anymore! (Exits)

Ross: Ohh, here's that Macadamia nut!

Rachel: Ohhh!!

Ross: (he puts it in his mouth) Nope! Something else. (Throws it back under the bed.)

Rachel: Oops! All right, so what do you want to do now?

Ross: I wanna get out of the room! Y'know, I…I really miss downstairs.

Rachel: Okay, y'know what? There's only one way I'm leaving this hotel room.

[Cut to the casino, a very drunk and doodled on Rachel is walking arm in arm with an equally drunk and doodled on Ross are walking through the casino and greeting people on their way through. Ross has some whiskers and his nose colored in, along with his name on his forehead.]

Ross: Well hello! I'm Ross!

Rachel: Good luck to ya!

Ross: Excuse me sir, you've got a little something right here. (He points to the corner of his mouth and they both laugh.)

(They've made their way to the statue of the naked man that Chandler was leaning against earlier.)

Rachel: Wow!

Ross: (bowing) Hello!

Rachel: (bowing) Hello!

Ross and Rachel: (bowing) Hello!

(They both continue on and Ross meows like a cat.)

[Scene: The slot machines, we see some guy not having any luck. Both Phoebe and the Lurker are lurking him and each stick their heads around the corner at different times This is all set to that Pink Panther song. Finally the guy gives up and walks past the lurker's position, thus giving her the advantage. She scurries in and quickly drops a coin in the slot before Phoebe gets there. Phoebe arrives slightly later and pulls the arm just after the lurker deposits the coin and wins.]
Phoebe: I won! I won! I finally won!

The Lurker: I won! That was my quarter!

Phoebe: Fine! Here! Take a hike toots! (Gives back her quarter.)

(The security guard approaches.)

The Lurker: (to the guard) Excuse me, sir! This lady played my quarter, this is my money. (Motions to the jackpot.)

The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Is that true miss?

Phoebe: (quietly) Sells drugs to kids.

The Security Guard: What?!

Phoebe: She sells drugs to kids. (The guard looks at the lurker.)

The Lurker: It was my quarter!

The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Was it her quarter?

Phoebe: How about we talk about this over dinner?

The Security Guard: Okay lady, you're out of here.

Phoebe: No! No, you can't arrest me! No!! I won't go back! I won't go back to that hell hole!!

The Security Guard: I'm just taking you outside!

Phoebe: Oh, okay. (Walks out.)

[Scene: The Gift Shop, Monica and Chandler are entering.]
Monica: Okay, come on, I can't get married until I get something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.

Chandler: Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new.

Monica: You're so efficient. I love you!

Chandler: Let's go! (Starts to leave.)

Monica: No-no-no! We need something old!

Chandler: Ohh, great, I have condom in my wallet I've had since I was twelve.

Monica: That'll work!

Chandler: I don't think so.

Monica: Okay, now we just need something borrowed!

Chandler: (looks around) Here just…take this. (Hands her the sweater.)

Monica: That's stealing!

Chandler: No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put it under your dress.

(She does so and it makes her look pregnant.)

Monica: Ohh. (Rubs her fake stomach.)

Chandler: Okay, one thing at a time. (They run out to get married.)

[Scene: A blackjack table, Joey is moving in to try and get his hand twin (who's dealing) to join him in his evil plot to rule the world! "Join me, and together we'll rule the universe as father and son!" (Sorry, I had a little Star Wars creep in there—Ooh, I have a big spoiler for The Phantom Menace, Yoda lives at the end! Ha-ha, spoiled it! Now you don't have to see it!)]
Joey: (sitting down) Ahhh! (Slides his hands across the table.)

Joey's Hand Twin: Are you gonna play?

Joey: No-no, I don't really have any money. Not yet, anyway… (Shakes his hands.)

Joey's Hand Twin: You can't sit here if you're not gonna play.

Joey: (throws down a small wad of money, and as his hand twin starts to unfold it, Joey once again brings attention to their special gift to the world. {Y'know, looking at it now, they really don't have that similar of hands. Joey's are bigger.}) Ooh-ho-ho! (The dealer stares at him and he stops.)

Phoebe: (entering and sitting down at the table.) Hello. My name is Regina Phalange. I'm a businesswoman in town on business. Would you like to see my card? (Looks down) Ooh, what did I do with my file-a-facts? I must've left it in conference room B.

Joey's Hand Twin: (To Joey) 14.

Joey: Hit me! (He does so.)

Phoebe: Oh my God! May I just say that you two gentlemen have the exact same hands! They're identical! Now, I've never seen anything like that in the business world.

Joey's Hand Twin: Stop it!

Joey: Uhh, Ms. Phalange, may I ask you a question as an impartial person at-at this table?

Joey's Hand Twin: Please stop it!

Joey: Wouldn't you pay good money to see these identical hands showcased in some type of a uh, entertainment venue?

Joey's Hand Twin: (To Joey) If you leave now, I will chop off my hand and give it too you!

(The security guard from before approaches and Phoebe tries to turn her back on him.)

The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Didn't I just throw you out of here?

Phoebe: No, you threw out Phoebe. I'm Ms. Regina Phalange. Phalange!

The Security Guard: Come on, lady! (Starts to escort her out.)

Joey's Hand Twin: Please, please take him too. (Motions to Joey.)

Joey: Me?! Oh come on, man! You can't do this! Come on! (Being dragged out by the guard) I'm your hand twin!!

[Scene: A Little White Chapel, Chandler and Monica are entering.]
Chandler: Hello! One marriage please!

Monica: Yep, we wanna get married!

The Attendant: Well, there's a service in progress. Have a seat.

Chandler and Monica: All right.

(They both sit down.)

Chandler: (singing) Dum! Dum-dum-dum! Dum! Dum! Dum! Dum-dum-dum!

Monica: What are you doing?

Chandler: Oh, that's The Wedding March. Does, does that freak you out?

Monica: No, only because that's the graduation song.

(The real Wedding March begins playing from behind the closed doors of the chapel.)

Chandler: Okay! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps his hands) We're gonna get married!

Monica: Are you sure you wanna do this?

(Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!)

Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some rice.)

Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! (Throws some more rice.)

(They storm out into the street.)

Rachel: Wait! (Gets her bearings) Okay!

(She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they're standing there dumbstruck as The King's (Elvis Presley to the yougin's) Viva, Las Vegas begins to play. Sing along with me now, "Viva! Las Vegas! Vivaaaaaa! Vivaaaaa! Las Vegassssss!!" Fade to Black.)

Rachel: Pheebs? Could you get that? Please?

Phoebe: Why? Just 'cause you're too lazy to get up off your touchie?

Rachel: No! No! It's just that all the people in the entire world that I want to talk to are right here.

Phoebe: (smiles) Okay! (Goes to answer the phone.)

Rachel: (under her breath) Sucker!

Phoebe: (answering the phone) Hello? (Listens) Hey Joey!

[Cut to Las Vegas, Joey is on the phone and wearing his gladiator costume.]

Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, uh can you do me a favor? I forgot the pin number to my ATM card can, can you get it for me?

Phoebe: Sure! Where is it?

Joey: Uh, I scratched it on the ATM machine down on the corner.

Phoebe: Ohh! So you're 5639?!

Joey: That's it! Thanks Pheebs!

[Cut to Monica and Rachel's]

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: (to Joey) Ooh, do you want to talk to Chandler?

Chandler: (To Phoebe) Is that Joey?! (She nods yes) Let me talk to him!

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: No! (She nods no to Chandler) Because he didn't believe in my movie! Which is a big mistake because it is real! Real!

A Casino Boss: Hey! Tribbiani! Get back to work! Break time's over!

[Cut to Phoebe]

Phoebe: Who was that?

Joey: Uhh, my stunt double. Yeah, and y'know, he's getting a little too familiar for my tastes.

Chandler: (To Phoebe) Y'know what? I have been trying to apologize to him all week! If he's not gonna let me do it on the phone, I'm gonna go down there and do it in person.

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: Uhh Pheebs, I heard that. Can you put him on?

[Cut to Phoebe]

Phoebe: Yeah! (She hands the phone to Chandler.)

Chandler: (To Joey) Hey!

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: Don't come out here!

[Cut to Chandler]

Chandler: No-no-no-no, I've supported you one hundred percent and I want to prove that to you in person!

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: I got that! I forgive ya! Don't come out here!

[Cut to Chandler]

Chandler: Forgive me? You haven't been taking my calls in a week!

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: Well, I'm totally over it Chandler. Friends forever! Don't come out here!

A Tourist: (To Joey) Would you mind doing a picture with us?

[Cut to Chandler]

Chandler: Uh, what was that?

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: Uh, Entertainment Tonight. [Cut to Chandler] Yeah, okay so, good talking to ya and don't come out here. All right. (Hangs up the phone and poses for that picture.)

Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering.]
Phoebe: Monica! I'm sorry I'm late! (Starts looking around for her) Monica? (Goes into Monica's bedroom.)

Monica: (entering) Phoebe? (Phoebe comes back into the living room) Oh, Phoebe, I'm so sorry. Have you been here long?

Phoebe: (saddened) It's okay. What the hell took you so long?

Monica: Okay, you can not tell Chandler. Okay? That I ran into Richard.

Phoebe: Which Richard?

Monica: The Richard.

Phoebe: Richard Simmons?! Oh my God!

Monica: Noo! My ex-boyfriend Richard! Y'know the tall guy, moustache?

Phoebe: Oh! Okay, that actually makes more sense. So how was it?

Monica: It was, it was really nice. We started talking and I-I ended up having lunch with him.

Phoebe: That is so weird! I had a dream that you'd have lunch with Richard.

Monica: Really?

Phoebe: But again, Simmons. Go on.

Monica: The strange part was, he was really nice, umm and he looks great, but I didn't feel anything at all!

Phoebe: Ooh! So now why can't we tell Chandler?

Monica: Because it would totally freak him out and tomorrow's our anniversary. I just don't want anything to spoil that.

Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you guys lasted a whole year!

Monica: I know.

Phoebe: Wow! I owe Rachel 20 bucks!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: On a totally different bet.

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Monica: It's almost our anniversary!

Chandler: I know. Can you believe it? One year ago today I was just your annoying friend Chandler.

Phoebe: Awww! Now you're just my annoying friend Chandler.

Chandler: Huh.

Monica: I got you a present!

Chandler: Oh, but it's not 'til tomorrow!

Monica: I know, but you have to open it today! (Hands it too him.)

Chandler: Okay.

(He starts taking his time opening it. Finally Monica snaps.)

Monica: (grabbing the gift from him and opening it) Okay! There you go! It's two tickets to Vegas!

Chandler: Wow!

Monica: For this weekend! Oh gosh, it would be perfect, we get to see Joey plus we get to start our anniversary celebration on the plane. We can call it out plane-aversary.

Chandler: Do we have to?

Monica: No.

Chandler: Okay this is great, but Joey said he didn't want any of us out there.

Monica: Oh, he just doesn't want us to go through any trouble. Think of how excited he'll be when we go out and surprise him! Plus we get to have our own, ani-Vegas-ary! A-Nevadaversary!

Chandler: Yeah, I think we should see other people.

Monica: But we can go, right?

Chandler: Yes.

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: It's a great idea. (They kiss)

Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go too!

Chandler: Y'know Pheebs, it's kinda our (His and Monica's) anniversary.

Phoebe: Oh please, you are not gonna ditch again like you did with London.

Monica: Ditch you? Phoebe, you were pregnant with the triplets!

Phoebe: Uh-huh, great story! I'm going!

Rachel: (entering with Ross) Hi!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey, you guys, listen, this weekend we're all gonna go to Las Vegas to surprise Joey! Including me!! You wanna go?!

Rachel: Well, I guess I could take a couple days off work.

Phoebe: Of course you can take a couple days off work because this trip includes me!

Rachel: Oh no, wait a minute, wait, I've got a presentation tomorrow. I can't miss that.

Ross: Oh, but I've got tickets to the Van Gogh exhibit! I've been waiting like a year for this.

Chandler: (coughing) Art lover!

Ross: What'd you say?

Chandler: I said art lover.

Ross: Is that supposed to be an insult?

Chandler: I don't know, I'm very tired.

Ross: So Rach, maybe you and I could fly out together Saturday.

Rachel: That sounds great.

Ross: Yeah? All right I'll call the airlines. (Picks up the phone and does so)

Rachel: Okay. Yeah, that would be nice actually, to have the apartment to myself for a night.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, so you can walk around naked.

Rachel: No! So I can be by myself. Y'know? Have a little alone time.

Phoebe: Naked alone time.

Rachel: No! Phoebe just because I'm alone doesn’t mean I wanna walk around naked. I mean, you live alone, you don't walk around naked.

Phoebe: Uh-huh! Why do you think it takes me so long to answer the door?

[Scene: An airplane cabin, Phoebe has the aisle seat, Chandler the window, and Monica's stuck in that horrible middle seat.]
Phoebe: So, so far is this trip to Vegas better or worse than the trip to London?

Chandler: So it's pretty much the same Pheebs.

Phoebe: Okay, what about after I give you these candies? (Hands them each one from her purse.)

Chandler: Yeah, I guess it's a little better now.

Phoebe: Ah-ha! Okay, (takes out a notepad) Las Vegas 1, London 0! I'll be right back. (Gets up and heads aft.)

Chandler: (To Monica) Happy plane-aversary.

Monica: Aww! I love you!

Chandler: Can I give you a present now?

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: Okay! (He grabs his carryon and starts rummaging through it.) Oh man! Don’t tell me I did this!

Monica: I love the "I forgot the present" fake out!

Chandler: How do you feel about the, "I really did forgot the present, please forgive me" not fake out?

Monica: Oh that's okay. Don’t worry about it, you can give it to me when we get back.

Chandler: Ohh that's the worse thing that can happen on an anniversary ever!

Phoebe: (sitting down) Oh good! All right, so you decided to tell him about the Richard thing.

Chandler: What-what Richard thing?

Phoebe: Oh no. [The patented version.]

Chandler: What Richard thing?

Phoebe: (To Monica under her breath) Simmons! Go with Simmons!

Monica: Okay, I umm, I ran into Richard yesterday and he asked me if I wanted to go for a bite and I did. The only reason I didn't tell you is because I knew you'd get mad and I didn't want to spoil our anniversary.

Chandler: (talking out of the side of his mouth) I'm not mad.

Monica: Really?!

Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah, so you-you bumped into Richard! You grabbed a bite! It's no big deal. (He still ain't happy.)

Monica: Great!

(Pause.)

Phoebe: Okay, London 1…

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is coming out of the bathroom after a shower wearing only her bath robe, walks into the kitchen, and opens the fridge. As she bends over to grab a bottle of wine, her robe falls open (Damn this network primetime programming, we didn't see anything!) and she quickly closes it again. But then realizes she didn't have to do that. So she closes the fridge and stands next to the table, thinks about it for a little while and…]
Rachel: (takes off her robe) Oh! Look what happened! {Don't get your hopes up guys, we only get to see her from the back or from the neck up. Its times like these I wish that the networks would broadcast some nudity other than Denis Franz's butt.} (In her head.) Huh, check me out! I'm in my kitchen…naked! I'm picking up an orange. (Does so) I'm naked! (Goes into the living room) Lighting the candles, naked, and carefully. (She backs anything that might have a point like a candle on her body away.)

[Cut to Ross's apartment, he's sitting by his window looking at an art book. As he's turning the page, he glances up and notices something.]

Ross: (in his head) Oh my God! That's Rachel naked! I can't look at that! I am looking at this. (Looks back at his book.) Okay, vivid colors, expressive brush strokes—Unless she wants me to be looking at that. She knows I'm home. She knows I can see her. What kind of game is she playing? I think maybe someone's lonely tonight. Oh-ho, Dr. Geller! Stop it! You're being silly! Or, am I?

[Cut back to Monica and Rachel's apartment, Rachel is singing along with a song and dancing while facing the big picture window. Y'know, I think I'd pay real good money to be on the other side of that window!]

Rachel: (singing) Love to love ya baby! Ow! Love to love ya baby! Ow! (There's a knock on the door, she turns off the music, puts on her robe, and goes to answer the door.) Love to love ya, baby! (There's another knock.) Darnit! (Looks through the peephole and turns on the lights.) Ugh. (She opens the door to Ross who's leaning against the door jam.)

Ross: Hey.

Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the scene is continued from where we left off before the break.]
Ross: May I come in?

Rachel: Uh, yeah, if you want too.

Ross: Do you want me too?

Rachel: Yeah, sure?

Ross: So do I. (Slowly walks in.) Okay Rach, before anything happens (He takes off his coat) I just want to lay down a couple of ground rules. (Turns back to face her.) This is just about tonight. I don't to go through with this if it's going to raise the question of "Us." (Rachel's confused) Okay? I just want this to be (Kicks off his left shoe) about what it is! (Kicks off the other one.)

Rachel: And um, what-what is that Ross?

Ross: The physical act of love. (Hisses at her.)

Rachel: (laughs) What?! Are you crazy?

Ross: Oh so-so you weren't trying to entice me just now with your-your nakedness?

Rachel: (gasps) Oh God, you saw me?! Oh!

Ross: You weren't trying to entice me with your nakedness.

Rachel: Noo!! No! You thought, you actually thought I wanted to have sex with you?!

Ross: No! No! (Grabs his coat) No! (Grabs a shoe.) No-no-no-no. (Grabs the other one and heads for the door.)

Rachel: Ohh wow! I’m sorry, but Ross you kicked off your shoes!

Ross: Can we, can we just forget this ever happened?

Rachel: Yes of course, absolutely! You're right. I'm sorry.

Ross: Thank you.

Rachel: Yes.

Ross: All right I guess I'm, gonna go pack. (Starts to leave)

Rachel: Okay. Oh wait! One more thing umm, do-do we still need to uh settle the question of "us?"

(Ross storms off embarrassed.)

[Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas, the Strip, slot machines, a couple other gaming tables all set to the tune of you guessed it, Money. Anyhoo, we finally get through that and watch Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe enter Caesar's Palace carrying their luggage.]
Phoebe: Hey you guys wait! Guys! (Catches up to them.) This place is so much better than London! Okay? This lady dressed like Cleopatra gave me a coupon, 99 cent steak and lobster dinner. Huh!

Monica: Phoebe, you don't eat animals.

Phoebe: For 99 cents, I'd eat you. (Sees the casino) Okay, I can totally settle down here. It's got everything I could ever want, including Joey! Look! (Points to Joey in his gladiator suit posing for a picture with two old ladies.) Oh! Look! Hi!

Chandler: Oh my God.

Phoebe: Hey! Joey! (They all head over to him, he spots them coming and panics.) Hey! Hey!! Wow! (She hugs him.)

Joey: Hi!

Chandler: Love your condoms my man.

Joey: What-what are you guys doing here? I thought I told you not to come.

Phoebe: Why are you dressed as a gladiator?

Joey: Uhh, because I'm shooting a scene right now. Yeah, I uh, I play a gladiator. Uh, y'know what? Hold-hold on a second. (To no one in particular) Can we cut? Yeah, my-my friends are here, I'm gonna take a little break.

Monica: Who are you talking too?

Joey: They uh director. Uhh, her. (Points to an old woman standing behind him. Who glares at him and walks off.) All right, all right, it's not a gladiator movie. I work here.

Chandler: Why?! What happened?!

Joey: Well, the movie got shutdown because they ran out of money, so I'm working here 'til it starts up again, if it ever does.

Monica: I'm so sorry.

Joey: Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell ya. (To Chandler) I'm sorry man.

Chandler: No-no, that's okay, apparently there's a new policy where we don't have to share everything with everybody.

Monica: I knew you were not okay with that.

Phoebe: So you're a gladiator! Wow!

Joey: Yeah, what-what's going on?

Phoebe: Monica had lunch with Richard.

Joey: Dawson?!

Phoebe: Noo! But that would've been so cool!

Chandler: No! Her boyfriend Richard!

Monica: It meant nothing! Okay? After all this time, how can you not trust me?

Chandler: When you go lunching with hunky moustache men and don't tell me about it!

Monica: You're right. I'm sorry. I should've told you.

Chandler: Thanks. (They hug.)

Joey: Aww, there we go.

Phoebe: I love Vegas!

Monica: I promise you, next time I will absolutely tell you.

Chandler: (pushing her away from another hug) Next time?

Joey: Ooh, so close.

Chandler: There's not gonna be a next time! You can not ever see him again!

Monica: I can not see him? I mean, you can't tell me what to do!

Chandler: That's so funny, because I think I just did!

Monica: Oh y'know what? If you're gonna be acting like this all night, I really, I don't even want to be around you.

Chandler: Fine with me!

Monica: Fine! Happy Anniversary!

Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Guys! Please! Come on! Come on! This is obviously just a big misunderstanding.

Monica: No it is not!

Chandler: What are you talking…

Joey: Hey-hey don't look at me! I just work here! (Walks away.)

[Scene: An aircraft cabin, Ross and Rachel are on their way to Vegas.]
Rachel: (taking off her sweater) Okay umm, Ross? I'm-I'm really warm, so I'm going to be taking off my sweater. Now, I'm just letting you know that this is not an invitation to the physical act of love.

Ross: (sarcastic) Yep! That's hilarious!

Rachel: I'm sorry. I'm done. I'm done.

Ross: Y'know, last night was embarrassing for you too.

Rachel: No, not really. I mean you've seen me naked hundreds of times.

Ross: Uh-huh. But it was a first for the rest of my building.

Rachel: Okay. All right, that's true! But y'know I just don't embarrass that easily.

Ross: What?! You totally get embarrassed!

Rachel: No, I don't! Ross, I think I'm just a more secure person than you are.

Ross: Is that so?

Rachel: Yeah.

(Pause.)

Ross: (loudly so that everyone can hear) Hey lady! I don't care how much you want it! Okay?! I am not gonna to have sex with you in the bathroom! (Rachel sinks lower on her chair trying to hide.)

[Scene: Chandler's hotel room, he's sitting there with Joey who's talking about his helmet and running his hand through that feathery thing at the top.]
Joey: Hey, y'know in Roman times this was more than just a hat.

Chandler: Really?

Joey: Yeah, sure! Sure! They would uh, they would scrub the floors with it! They would use it to get the mud off their shoe. And sometimes underneath the horse would get dirty so they would stick it right…

Chandler: (interrupting in the nick of time) Joey, I uh! I can't believe this is how I'm spending my anniversary.

Joey: All right well, I'll take you someplace nice then. Look! A guy tipped me a hundred bucks today.

Chandler: Whoa!

Joey: Yeah-yeah, he was playing blackjack for like an hour and he won $5,000. Can you believe that? $5,000!

Chandler: Y'know, if I won $5,000 I'd join a gym, y'know build up my upper body and hit Richard from behind with a stick! (Mimics it.)

Joey: Wait a minute! Why don't I do what that guy did? I'll take this $100 and turn it into $5,000! And then I'll turn that into enough money to get my movie going again!

Chandler: Good luck!

Joey: Chandler! I don't need luck. I have thought this through!

Chandler: I see.

(Joey exits as Chandler shakes his head.)

Commercial Break
[Scene: The casino bar, Phoebe and Monica are sitting at the bar, while Wayne Newton's signature song Danke Schoen is playing in the background.]
Monica: (to the bartender) Thank you.

Phoebe: Thanks.

Monica: I can't believe this! This is like the worst night ever!

Phoebe: Y'know Monica you had a minor setback in your relationship with Chandler. Big deal! It's only Chandler. (Monica turns and stares at her.) I am so sorry.

Monica: This is crazy! I mean, it's such a stupid argument. I don't even wanna see Richard again.

Phoebe: So go fix it! Go find Chandler! He's probably up in your room! Tell him that you're sorry and that you love him.

Monica: Y'know what? You're right Phoebe. You're right. Thank you! (Gets up to find Chandler.)

Phoebe: Sure! (When Monica gets close to the door.) (Yelling) Yeah! Las Vegas, number one!

[Cut to the casino, Monica is walking through it past the craps table when she notices a chip on the floor. She picks it up and heads to the table.]

Monica: Anybody lose this? (Holds up the chip and the woman next to her shakes her head no.)

The Croupier: Comin' out. Place your bet. (Monica does so.) Dice are out. (The woman next to Monica rolls the dice.) Double or nothin'! Pay the front line! (Monica won and doubled the chip.)

Monica: Hmm.

[Scene: An airplane cabin, Ross and Rachel are both reading as a guy stops by their row.]
Guy: (To Rachel) So uh, I'm on my way back to the bathroom. (Ross giggles.)

Rachel: Yeah, all right. All right! Just keep walkin'! All right?

(Ross keeps giggling and Rachel decides upon revenge. She gets up and kisses the rather large man in the seat in front of Ross on the back of his head. The guy turns around angrily.)

Rachel: Ross! What are you… I'm sorry sir. I just, I think he just really likes you.

[Time lapse, Ross is drinking something and decides to get Rachel again.]

Ross: (to the guy in the window seat next to him) Hey! Y'know that teacher who had a baby with her student? (He points at Rachel.)

[Time lapse, Rachel pushes the flight attendant call button, takes Ross's drink, and spills it into his lap.]

Ross: What the? What…

Rachel: (to the flight attendant who appears in record time. It was only seconds after Rachel pushed the call button was she there. Once again, more proof that TV isn't real, IRL she would've been waiting for the rest of the flight and by then Ross's pants would be dry.) Hi!

The Flight Attendant: Miss? May I help you?

Rachel: Yes, I'm sorry. Do you have any extra pants? Umm, my friend seems to have had a little accident.

[Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Joey is approaching one of the blackjack tables on his quest to make enough money for his movie.]
Joey: (to the dealer) Can I change a hundred? (He hands him his chip.)

Blackjack Dealer: Changing one hundred! (Gives him the change.) Good luck sir.

Joey: (betting all 100) Let's ride.

Blackjack Dealer: (Deals the cards) 13.

Joey: Hit me! (He does so.) Ohh man! (Joey busts and loses all the money, but when the dealer starts to collect the cards Joey notices something.) Wait! (He holds his hand next to the dealer's hand.)

[Cut to Chandler's room, Joey is relaying to Chandler his amazing discovery.]

Joey: Chandler! You are not gonna believe this! I have found my identical hand twin!

Chandler: (totally confused) What?

Joey: My identical hand twin!

Chandler: What's an identical hand twin?

Joey: What's it sound like? It's a guy with my identical hands! It was incredible! Chandler, the dealer's hands were exactly like me! It-it was like looking at my hands in a mirror!

Chandler: Are you sure you weren't (pause) looking at your hands in a mirror?

Joey: Don’t you see what this means?! I can forget about that stupid movie. I'm gonna be a millionaire!

Chandler: (totally confused) How?

Joey: Look, I don't have it all worked out yet, but it's gotta mean big money! Come on! Identical hands!

Chandler: Again I must go back to, how?

Joey: This is Vegas man! People will pay to see freaky stuff! Okay, how much would you pay to see this hand (Holds up his left hand) twice? Huh?

Chandler: (Pause) Y'know, I-I can't really put a price on that Joe.

Joey: Hey, are you unsupporting me again?

Chandler: No! No! I support you 100%! I just didn't, I didn't get it right away. Y'know now I'm caught up! Identical hand twins! It's a million-dollar idea!

(Joey starts to leave to embark on his genius moneymaking scheme, but is freaked out slightly when as he goes to open the door, there's a mysterious knock. He calms himself down and opens the door to reveal Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Pheebs!!

Phoebe: Yeah?

Joey: I found my identical hand twin!

Phoebe: Ohh, you are so lucky! (To Chandler) Hey! So, where's Monica? Did you guys make up?

Chandler: No!

Phoebe: But she just came up here!

Chandler: That was Joey!

Phoebe: I wonder where she is. That is so weird.

Chandler: Yeah, well, she's probably talking to Richard.

Phoebe: Would you stop that! Do you wanna know the first thing she said when she came back from her lunch with Richard? She didn't feel anything for him. She loves you!

Chandler: Really?

Phoebe: Yes! Now, she feels terrible! She really wants to make up! You gotta find her.

Chandler: Okay. (He gets up and goes to find her.)

Phoebe: Good. (After he leaves, she puts on Joey's gladiator helmet and checks herself out in the mirror) I should really start wearing hats!

[Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Chandler is looking for Monica while Tom Jones's signature song is playing in the background (Getting the theme yet? Tom Jones, Wayne Newton, casinos… They're in Vegas people! Catch up!) It's Not Unusual, y'know, "It's not unusual to be loved by anyone! It's not unusual to have fun with anyone! But when I see you hanging about with anyone, it's not unusual to see me cry! I wanna die." Well, while that's playing he spots Monica playing craps and in victory hug the guy next to her. Chandler turns and walks out.]

[Scene: That same plane cabin, Ross is working on a crossword puzzle and Rachel is asleep against his shoulder. She shifts a little bit and Ross suddenly gets an idea. An evil idea when he looks at his pen. Then we have a little time lapse, the plane has landed and everyone is disembarking. The flight attendant is saying bye-bye to everyone.]
The Flight Attendant: (to another passenger) Welcome to Las Vegas.

(Rachel approaches and we see the fruits of Ross's evil plan. He has drawn a moustache and beard on Rachel. The flight attendant just ignores it.)

The Flight Attendant: (To Rachel) Thank you! (Not sure of herself) Enjoy your flight?

Rachel: Yes, I did. Thank you very much, it was excellent. (Disembarks)

The Flight Attendant: (To Ross) Hope you had a nice flight.

Ross: Ohh, it was the best!

Ross: What's going on?

Rachel: Well, my eye is a little itchy.

(Ross turns to look at Joey.)

Joey: Uhhh, mine too! Yeah.

Monica: (To Rachel) Wow! It's really red! You should go see my eye doctor.

Rachel: Richard? I'm not gonna go see your ex-boyfriend!

Chandler: Oh, Richard. That's all I ever hear, Richard, Richard, Richard!

Monica: Since we've been going out, I think I've mentioned his name twice!

Chandler: Okay, so Richard, Richard!

Monica: It's not Richard! Okay? It's this new guy and he's really good.

Rachel: Well, I'm sorry I'm not going to an eye doctor!

Ross: Oh God, here we go!

Chandler: What?

Ross: Anytime anything comes close to touching her eye or anyone else's she like freaks out. Watch! Watch! (He takes his finger and moves it towards his eye.)

Rachel: (flinches) Ross! Come on! That's all right! Fine--Okay, I have a weird thing about my eye. Can we not talk about it please?

All: All right, fine.

Monica: Hey Rach, remember that great song, Me, Myself, and I? (And on the "I" part she mimics poking her eye.)

Rachel: (flinches again) Monica! Come on!

Ross: Hey, does anybody want to get some lunch? All those in favor say I? (Pokes his eye)

Rachel: (freaks) Ross! Stop it! Come on!

Chandler: How much did I love The King and I? (Oh, you get the point by now.)

Rachel: Chandler!

Joey: Me too! Me too! Me too! (Yeah, he does the same thing.)

Rachel: Just stop it! Come on!

(Joey howls in pain and holds his eye.)

Chandler: You okay there man?

Joey: Yeah, I got too excited!

Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Ross: All right, I gotta go. I'm taking Ben to the park.
Phoebe: Ohh, give him a kiss for me!

Ross: All right, bye!

Monica: Bye!

Phoebe: Bye!

Ross: Later! (Exits.)

Phoebe: (after he's gone) I am so sorry you got caught in the middle of that. I didn't mean to be so out there. I am furious with him!

Chandler: Wow umm, calm down.

Phoebe: I'm trying, but man that guy can push my buttons!

Monica: Why are so mad at him?

Phoebe: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay?

Monica: Well, it just seems that…

Phoebe: You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking! Has anyone seem my list by the way?

Chandler: Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like?

Phoebe: Uh, it's a piece of paper and it says, "Ross" on it.

Joey: (entering, depressed) Hey. I just got off the phone with Estelle and guess what. (Pause, then very excitedly) I GOT THE LEAD IN A MOVIE!!!!!!

Chandler: You got the lead in a movie? That's amazing! What's the movie about?!

Joey: It's called Shutter Speed, it's really cool! Yeah, umm, I meet this girl in the subway and we fall in love in like a day, right? And then, she disappears… But I find out where she lives and when I get there this like old lady answers the door and I say, "Where's Betsy?" Right? And she says, "Betsy's been dead for 10 years."

Phoebe: Ohh-oh, chilling!

Joey: And the best part is, we're filming in the desert outside Vegas! (To Chandler) And you know what that means buddy!

Chandler: Yeah, I know that means buddy!

Joey: Road trip! Yeah, we can rent a car! I just have to be there by Tuesday!

Phoebe: Oh wait, my grandmother's dead.

Chandler: Well, uh, we can talk about that too Pheebs.

Phoebe: No! No, her cab! She probably won't be using it; you can drive it to Las Vegas.

Joey: All right! Thanks Pheebs!

Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa, what are we going to do about my job?

Joey: Oh umm, not go.

Chandler: All right, great, road trip baby! (To Monica) This okay with you?

Monica: Chandler! You don't have to ask for my permission. (Quietly) You can go.

Chandler: Thank you.

Monica: Hey Rach, come on! We're gonna be late for the eye doctor appointment!

Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) All right! Let's get this over with! Ugh! (She walks by the table and notices that no one is looking and accidentally on purpose knocks over the open cereal box.) Ohhh! No! Look what I did! (She starts walking through the mess. {Also, notice the continuity error in this scene. Note the position of the box and dispersal pattern of the cereal before and after the camera cut.}) Oh, I mean, look at this mess! I mean, we're probably gonna have to clean this up! Y'know? We're gonna have to reschedule!

Monica: No. If you thought this mess is going to bother me, you are wrong! All right, let's go Blinky! (She ushers Rachel out the door, but before the door fully closes she sticks her head back in.) Chandler!!!! (Chandler agrees to clean up the mess.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a map as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Oh hey Joey! What's up?
Joey: I can't decide which route to take to Vegas. Hey, you've traveled a lot right?

Phoebe: Yeah, I've been around.

Joey: Okay, so-so which route should I take the northern route or the southern route?

Phoebe: Ooh, if you take the northern route there's a man in Illinois with a beard of bees. {Okay, I must protest this, I've lived in Illinois all my life and know of no man with a beard of bees! Wisconsin, on the other hand, might be a different story.}

Joey: Great! Problem solved!

Phoebe: But on the southern route there's a chicken that plays tic-tac-toe.

Joey: Well, back to square one.

Phoebe: Oh, I know a way that you can decide! All right, I'm going to ask you a series of questions and you answer as quickly as you can.

Joey: (quickly) Yes!

Phoebe: Good, but wait. Okay, all right, here we go. Now I want you to relax. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind. (Quickly) Which do you like better peanut butter or egg whites?

Joey: Peanut butter!

Phoebe: Which would you rather be a fireman or a swimmer?

Joey: A swimmer!

Phoebe: Who would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel?

Joey: Monica. Oh… huh, I always thought it would be Rachel.

Phoebe: No thinking! No thinking! Tie or ascot?

Joey: Ascot!

Phoebe: North route or south route?

Joey: North route!

Phoebe: Bamn! There you go! Huh?

Joey: Wow! That was incredible! Beard of bees, here I come!

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: Oh, this guy again. (She ignores him.)

Joey: Hey man, what's up?

Ross: Uhh, not much. You guys want to see a movie tonight?

Joey: Sure, what do you want to see?

Ross: I don't know, umm…

Joey: Oh, I know how we can decide. Phoebe, show him your game!

Phoebe: Umm, no thank you. (She gets up and moves to the couch. They were at a table previously.)

Ross: What's with her?

Joey: I don't know. But hey, I know we can decide. Okay, I'm gonna ask you questions and you answer real quick. Okay?

Ross: Okay.

Joey: What do you like better action or comedy?

Ross: Action.

Joey: Who would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel?

(Ross pauses and looks at him, Joey motions for him to hurry up.)

Ross: Dude, you are sick.

Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.

[Scene: Monica's eye doctor's office, Monica and Rachel are waiting in an exam room and looking at this big white thing used to check eyes. I have no idea what it is, and if an ophthalmologist happens to know what that is, let me know.]
Rachel: Oh my God! What does that thing do?
Monica: (looks at it more closely) Oh that's an eye removal machine.

Rachel: All right, I'm outta here!

Monica: I'm kidding! I'm kidding!

(Rachel heads for the door but is intercepted by the doctor.)

The Doctor: Hi Rachel!

Rachel: Hey!

The Doctor: I'm Dr. Miller. Monica told me you were a little nervous, but don't worry everything's gonna be just fine.

Rachel: So were done then!

Dr. Miller: Almost! But first, we gotta start.

Rachel: Okay.

Dr. Miller: This is a glaucoma test.

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Dr. Miller: Sit down.

Rachel: Okay.

Dr. Miller: But your chin here. (She does so.) Now, you'll feel a small puff of air in each eye.

Rachel: (jerks back from the tester) What?!

Monica: A small puff of air, now come on!

Dr. Miller: Here we go.

Rachel: All right.

Dr. Miller: 1…2…3! (Rachel jerks back on 3.)

Rachel: I'm sorry. All right, I'll just stay in here this time. (Puts her head back.) Okay.

Dr. Miller: Ready?

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Dr. Miller: 1…2… (She flinches on 2 this time.)

Monica: Y'know what, I'm gonna hold her head.

Rachel: Okay.

Dr. Miller: That's okay.

Monica: Okay. (Monica backs off.)

Rachel: Okay. Okay!

Dr. Miller: 1…2! (She flinches again.) (Gives up.) Y'know what? You're young; you probably don't have glaucoma.

Rachel: (really excited) Great!! It was very, very nice to meet you sir--Ow! Hey! What are you doing?! Are you crazy! (He took out that thing they use to look at people's retinas and looked at Rachel's when she was shaking his hand causing her to flinch and scream at him.)

Dr. Miller: Okay. You've got a small, minor infection in that left eye. I want you to take these drops three times a day and you'll be as good as new.

Rachel: Yeah, no, I don't-I don't put things in my eye.

Dr. Miller: Okay then, I guess we'll see you back here in three months.

Rachel: Great!

Dr. Miller: And I'll fit you for a glass eye.

Rachel: Okay, just give me the damn drops! (Grabs them and storms out.)

Monica: Dr. Miller? (She covers her right eye and reads from the chart) P E C F D.

Dr. Miller: Very good Monica! You know where they are.

Monica: I sure do! (She runs over to a drawer, opens it, and grabs a lollipop.) (To Rachel) And you don't get one!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica, and Joey are there.]
Rachel: Y'know, I-I gotta tell ya, those eye drops are a miracle. My eye is a 100% better.
Monica: They're still in my coat.

Rachel: Damn!

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey! You ready to go?

Chandler: Yeah, listen, how cold is it going to be there? Do I need a coat or will all these sweater vests be enough? (Holds up 3 of them in different colors.)

(Monica stares at him.)

Chandler: What?

Monica: I love you.

{There's another continuity error here. Before Monica says I love you, Chandler's holding the vests so that you couldn't see the collar, you could see all three, and they were folding nicely. After she says the line and the camera cuts back to Chandler, you can only see two out of the three, you can see the collar of the top one, and it looks like it was folded sloppily, unlike before. Hey, you notice things while spending this much time on this!}

Joey: Man, I wish Ross was coming with us! Y'know? I'm gonna miss him!

Phoebe: Thanks a lot! I just got that jerk out of my mind!

Chandler: Hey, so where are we staying? Is the movie putting us up in a big hotel suite?

Joey: Uh no, not really. It's an independent film y'know? So we don't have a real big budget. I figured I'd just stay in your room.

Chandler: I see, but once you get your first paycheck you'll be springing a big hotel suite, right? I mean, lead in a movie, they must be paying you a lot?

Joey: Oh yeah! For every dollar Shutter Speed makes, one penny of it goes right in Joey's pocket.

Chandler: So you don't get paid unless the movie makes money?

Joey: Did you not hear the plot of the movie? "She's been dead for ten years." I'm gonna be a millionaire!

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Ross: I just wanna say good-bye to you guys and to see if you guys will place a little bet for me, huh? Twenty bucks on black 15.

Joey: You got it!

Ross: All right!

(Joey nods to Chandler, no way!)

Chandler: All right, bye-bye now!

Phoebe: Bye!

Rachel: Bye you guys!

Joey: Bye-bye!

Monica: I wanna say good-bye at the car!

Chandler: Okay!

Joey: Anybody want to say good-bye to me at the car?

Rachel: Oh honey, I'll say good-bye to you at the car if you don't mind the puss.

(Pause.)

Joey: See ya! (Walks out.)

Rachel: Well, wait a minute! The puss is good! It means it's healing! (Runs after him.)

Ross: Hey Pheebs, what 'cha reading? (Phoebe ignores him) Pheebs? (Turns away) Hello? (He sits down next to her and she moves over a bit.) Phoebe? (He moves closer and she keeps moving away.) Phoe-Phoebe! (They end up hanging over the arm rest.) Come on! (He grabs the magazine away from her.)

Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.

Ross: Phoebe, are you, are you mad at me, or something? 'Cause if are please, tell me what it is I did!

Phoebe: Well, if you don't know I can't help you.

Ross: Well, I don't know.

Phoebe: Well, I can't help you.

Ross: Well, whatever it is I'm-I'm very, very sorry. Okay?

Phoebe: Apology accepted.

Ross: Okay. So we're, we're good?

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Ross: All right. (Gets up.) I'll uh, I'll see you later, okay?

Phoebe: (quietly) Bye, fat ass.

Ross: ALL RIGHT!! Phoebe now come on! Will you please tell me what it is I did that mad you so mad at me!

Phoebe: I don't know! I don't remember!

Ross: Well if you can't remember, can't we just forget about this?

Phoebe: Oh no, I am mad at you. I know that much. But, I am sorry about the fat ass thing. You actually have a very sweet little hiney.

(Ross isn't sure what to do with that comment.)

[Scene: Phoebe's cab, Joey and Chandler are headed across the George Washington bridge on their way to Las Vegas. Joey is driving.]
Joey: Man, I'm getting pretty tired. You're might have to take over soon.
Chandler: We've been driving for a half-hour, and you haven't looked at the road once.

Joey: Don't worry, it's out there! (Just then a horn honks and Joey quickly looks at the road.) I think I just need lunch.

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: You wanna eat? (Pulls out the twenty) My treat!

Chandler: Isn't that Ross's money?

Joey: Yeah. Okay. Ross's treat! Where do you wanna eat?

Chandler: I don't know.

Joey: Ooh, hey, I know how we can decide! All right, uh, I'm gonna ask you a bunch of questions and then you have to answer real fast. Okay? So uh, clear your mind Clear it right out! Clear it out! Clear!

Chandler: Okay!

Joey: Okay, uhh, would you rather be too wet or too dry?

Chandler: Too dry.

Joey: Do you believe in ghosts, yes or no?

Chandler: No!

Joey: Is this movie gonna be my big break?

Chandler: No!

Joey: (shocked) What?!

Chandler: Yes.

Joey: Dude you said, "No!"

Chandler: I also said, "Yes!"

Joey: You don't think this is going to be a big break for me?

Chandler: No! (Realizes) Ahhh!!!

Joey: I don't believe this!

Chandler: Look Joe, I just, I just don't want to get your hopes up real high.

Joey: What are you talking about?! I'm the lead in a movie!

Chandler: They're not even paying ya! This doesn't even sound like a real movie!

Joey: Y'know what? I don't need this! Okay? I don't know why you're dumping all over my big break.

Chandler: Joe, I don't think this is going to be your big break.

Joey: Is that why you're on this trip, huh? Make me feel like a loser? 'Cause if it is, I'll tell ya, I-I-I'd rather be alone.

Chandler: Oh, you don't want me on the trip?

Joey: Not if you're gonna be like this!

Chandler: All right, I'll tell ya what, the next time you ask me a question like that I'll lie.

Joey: Yeah! I don't want you on the trip!

Chandler: All right, fine! Fine! Why don't you pull over? I'll get out right now!

Joey: Fine! (He slams on the brakes, stopping the car on the bridge to the sound of numerous car horns.) Get out!

Chandler: You're not actually supposed to stop on the bridge.

Joey: Get out!!

Chandler: All right!! (Gets out and Joey speeds away.) Wait! Wait, there's no sidewalk! Yeah, I'm gonna die here.

Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are there. Ross is trying to figure out why Phoebe's mad at him.]
Ross: Okay, are you mad at me because my hair gel smells?
Phoebe: No.

Ross: Are you angry at me because I said your handwriting is childlike?

Phoebe: No that made me feel precious.

Monica: Oh, I know! Umm, is it because he's always correcting people's grammar? Whom! Whom! Sometimes it's who!

Ross: Yeah? Sometimes it's… (Does the fist thing.)

Rachel: Oh, did you beat him at a board game? He turns into such a baby when he starts to lose.

Ross: Okay, I'm the baby. (Points at his eye.)

Rachel: Eh! Stop it!

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Chandler! What are you doing here?

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Joey kicked me out of the car on the George Washington bridge!

All: Why?!

Chandler: I don't know! He went crazy! Y'know, we were playing that game where you-you ask a question and you answer it really fast.

Phoebe: That game should not be played without my supervision.

Chandler: Well, I don't know what mad him so mad, y'know? All I said was that uh, I didn't think this wasn't gonna be his big break, that this movie wasn't going to do anything for him, and that uh, y'know it didn't sound like a real movie--Okay, he should've pushed me off of the bridge.

Phoebe: What's in the bag?

Chandler: Oh, I figured you guys would all be mad at me. So I got you some gifts that I found on the side of the road. (Looks into the bag.) Who wants the teddy bear with one leg?

Phoebe: I do!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to apply her eye drops while Monica looks on.]
Rachel: Okay. (She tilts her head back and squeezes the eyedropper. The only problem is, it's not over her eye.)
Monica: Not even close.

Rachel: Okay, then y'know what? Help me! I need help! I can't do this!

Monica: Okay! All right! Let's do it!

Rachel: All right!

Monica: Sit down. (They sit down on the couch.)

Rachel: All right.

Monica: Put your head back.

Rachel: Yes!

Monica: All right.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: Now, open your eyes.

Rachel: Okay, they are. (No they're not.)

Monica: How many fingers am I holding up? (She's not holding any up.)

Rachel: (thinks) Four.

Monica: Oh my God, I was thinking four.

Rachel: Really?!

Monica: Yes! All right, y'know what? Why don't we start with a practice run? Okay?

Rachel: Okay!

Monica: No drops!

Rachel: Great!

Monica: Okay.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: On three, 1…2…3! (Rachel turns her head on three to avoid the drops.) Now my pillow's all wet! (She was trying to fool Rachel and squeezed the eyedropper.)

Rachel: Well, well, you said it was practice!

Monica: Then why did you move?!

Rachel: Because I knew you were lying!

Monica: All right, come here! (She gets up and drags Rachel off of the couch by her legs.)

Rachel: (as she's being dragged) What are you? Monica!! Stop it!! Oh my God! Stop it! (Monica drags her totally onto the floor and on her back.)

Monica: I am going… I'm going--Turn it over! (Rachel rolled onto her stomach and Monica rolls her back.) I'm… I am going to get these drops in your eyes. (She is holding Rachel down with both hands and has the eyedropper in her mouth.)

Rachel: Oh my God! You really are freakishly strong!

(Monica starts biting on the eyedropper, spraying the fluid all over. But Rachel keeps turning her head back and forth and Monica keeps missing.)

Rachel: Monica! Stop it!

Monica: (spitting out the eyedropper) Damn! It's empty!

Rachel: Wow, y'know if Joey and Chandler walked in right now, we could make a fortune! (Monica is straddling Rachel and holding her arms down. In a rather risqué pose, at least for primetime TV.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse, Phoebe and Monica are playing cards as the phone rings.]
Phoebe: Ooh that is definitely Chandler, Joey, or Ross. (Thinks) Or-or Rachel!
Monica: (answers the phone) Hello? (Listens.) (To Phoebe) It's Joey. (Phoebe's proud of herself.) (To Joey) I'm so glad you called! Chandler told me what happened. Y'know he's really upset about it.

Joey: (on a pay phone holding a box) Not as upset as he's gonna be when he finds out what I did with his sweater vests!

Monica: What did you do to his sweater vests?

Joey: Let's just say there's a well-dressed pack of dogs in Ohio. Hey Monica listen is-is Phoebe there? I gotta ask her something about the car.

Monica: Yeah, she's here. Hold on a second. (She hands the phone to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Hey, dude!

Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, this wooden box keeps sliding out from under the seat. What-what is it?

Phoebe: Oh that's my grandma. (Joey holds the box away from him.) And thanks Joey she's having a really great time. (Joey is happy now.)

Chandler: (who has just entered) Is that Joey? Is that Joey? Let me talk to him! I wanna talk to him!

Phoebe: Okay Joey? Chandler's here, he was wondering… (We hear the dial tone as Joey hangs up.) Okay, I guess he ran out of change.

Chandler: Y'know, he won't even talk to me. How am I going to apologize to him if he won't even talk to me?

Monica: Well, maybe you should send him something. So that when he gets to Las Vegas he'll know that you're sorry.

Chandler: That's a good idea. I wonder where I could (Pause) get a basket of porn…

Phoebe: No, don't-don't say I'm sorry with porn!

Chandler: Really?

Phoebe: Y'know what you should send him? A cartoon of cigarettes. 'Cause that why he could trade it for protection. No. That's prison.

Ross: (entering) Okay Pheebs, I know how we're going to figure this out. Okay, clear your mind and answer the first thing that comes into your head. Okay?

Phoebe: Uh-hmm.

Ross: What do you like better flora or fauna?

Phoebe: Fauna.

Ross: Who would you rather be Simon or Garfunkle?

Phoebe: Garfunkle.

Ross: Why are you mad at me?

Phoebe: You said I was boring--Ohh!

Ross: When did I say you were boring?!

Phoebe: Oh my God, I remember now! We were playing chess!

Ross: Phoebe! You and I have never played chess!

Phoebe: Oh, come on! Yes, remember that time on the frozen lake? We were playing chess, you said I was boring, and then you took off your energy mask and you were Cameron Diaz! (Realizes) Okay, there's a chance this may have been a dream.

[Scene: The desert outside of Las Vegas, Joey is arriving and we hear the song, Name. Y'know, (singing) I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain. In the desert, you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La…la…la-la-la, la, la, la, la-la-la. You get the idea. Anyhoo, he pulls up and stops. As he gets out of the car, he spills a huge pill of fast food containers out of the foot well.]
Joey: Hey-hey! Stanley! Hey-hey! You're leading man is here! Let's get to work.
Stanley: Umm, slight change of plans. We've shut down.

Joey: Wh-what?! Why?!

Stanley: It's a money thing, we don't have any.

Joey: (laughs) You're kidding right?

Stanley: No.

Joey: What?!

Stanley: It-it's probably just temporary. We're hoping to get some more money soon, so if could just uh, hang out.

Joey: Uh, hang out?! How long?

Stanley: I don't know. A week? Maybe two? The money will turn up! People will always wanna invest in movies! Hey, you're not rich are ya?

Joey: No!

Stanley: Eh, worth a shot. (Gets into his car.) Look Joey, let me know where you're staying, okay? (The car peels away.)

(I think one of the grips walk up to Joey, mainly because there's a credit for The Grip. What the heck is a grip anyway?!)

The Grip: Hey pal, are you Joey Tribbiani?

Joey: Yeah.

The Grip: These got left for ya. (He hands him a bunch of helium balloons.)

Joey: Thanks. (The grip walks away.) (Reading the card.) Congratulations on your big break.

(The rest of the crew start to drive away leaving Joey sad, alone, and holding his congratulatory balloons as the song comes up again. La-la-la. See, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain! In the desert you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La-la-la, la, la, la…)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the phone is ringing.]
Monica: (answering it) Hello?
Joey: (on phone from Vegas) Hey Monica, it's Joey!

Monica: Hey Joey! Aww, you remembered even though you're a big star!

Joey: Aw, come on! It'll be years before I forget you!

Monica: Joey, what's it like on a movie set, huh? Do you have a dressing room? Do you have a chair with your name on it?

Joey: Uh, well yeah-yeah, I've got all of that going on. Yeah, listen uh, I want you to make sure you tell Chandler that he couldn't have been more wrong! Uh-oh! I gotta go Monica, my uh, my sushi's here!

[Cut to Joey hanging up the phone in Vegas. He's wearing a Roman gladiator's uniform and goes over to join a family to pose for a picture. You see, he's apparently taken a job at Caesar's Palace.]

Joey: (to the family) Sorry about that. Thanks for waitin'.

The Husband: Okay!

Joey: Everybody smile! (The picture is taken) Okay, thanks a lot! Enjoy your stay at Caesar's! We hope it's toga-rrific! (The family leaves.) Kill me. Kill me now.

Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The gang is surrounding Rachel at key positions.]
Ross: Hey Rach, can you pass me the TV Guide?
Rachel: Yep!

(As she moves to get it, Monica yells…)

Monica: Go!!

(Phoebe jumps to the floor as Ross tackles Rachel off of the couch. Chandler helps push Rachel onto the floor by jumping over the back of the couch. Phoebe grabs Rachel's head to hold it still and opens Rachel's eye as Monica jumps onto Chandler's back to administer the torture--I mean medicine.)

Rachel: What?!! Stop it! Stop it! Oh my God!

Monica: Okay! Okay! Okay! (She succeeds in getting the eye drops in and everyone climbs off of Rachel.) We'll see you in about 3 to 4 hours.

Rachel: Oh! (She's trying to recover while still on the floor.)

Gary: (To Phoebe) Would you like some more coffee, baby-doll?

Phoebe: I'm fine, thanks.

Chandler: (To Monica) Yeah, see, I can't pull of baby-doll can I?

Monica: No. I think we learned that from the sugarlips incident. I'm gonna get some tea.

Chandler: Okay.

(Monica leaves and Chandler moves to talk to Phoebe.)

Chandler: Hiya doin' pumpkin?

Phoebe: Nope. (Chandler nods in agreement.)

[Cut to Gary and Monica at the counter.]

Monica: So it looks like it's going really well for you two, huh?

Gary: I know, really well. In fact, I'm gonna ask Phoebe to move in with me.

Monica: (shocked) Oh my God!

Gary: What do you, what do you think?

Monica: I think that is so great! When are you gonna ask her?

Gary: Tonight, but don't say anything. Okay?

Monica: I swear, I promise. I promise. Oh my God, I'm so excited! {And I just can't hide it! I'm about to lose control and I think I like it! Sorry, just couldn't resist it.} All right, listen let me tell you, do not get her flowers. Okay? Because y'know, she cries when they die, and there's the whole funeral…

Gary: (To Phoebe) I'll see you after work sweetie. (Kisses her.)

Phoebe: Okay. Bye!

(Gary exits and Monica rejoins them.)

Phoebe: So, what movie should we see?

Monica: (sitting down) Gary's gonna ask you to move in with him!!

Phoebe: What?! Really?!

Monica: He just told me at the counter. He made me promise not to tell, but I couldn't hold it in any longer!

Phoebe: I can't believe this!

Chandler: (terrified) Right, because it's fast. Because, it's so fast. It's fast!

Monica: Relax! It's Phoebe! Not you!

Chandler: Oh! Good for you Pheebs, way to go! (Breathes a sigh of relief)

Phoebe: No, but it is fast. Isn't it?

Monica: Ohhhh!

Phoebe: No, I like him a lot but I don't think I'm ready for this!

Chandler: So, what are you gonna do?

Phoebe: I don't know. I'll just handle it—I'll ask you to talk to him!

Chandler: Me?! Why me?

Phoebe: Because you are so afraid of commitment! You talk to him, make him scared like you! Make him a…man!

Chandler: I'll try, but I'm not sure what good it would do, y'know? Because I'm a lot less afraid of commitment than I used to be.

Monica: That is so sweet! (She kisses him and turns to add some sugar to her tea.)

Chandler: (To Phoebe, behind Monica's back) Still terrified, I'll take care of it. No problem. (When Monica turns back he smiles and kisses her, when she turns away he nods that he'll do it to Phoebe.)

Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are playing catch with a little foam globe.]
Joey: Hey Ross, is uh, is Staten Island really an island?
Ross: Uh-huh, that's why they call it Staten Island.

Joey: Ohhh. I thought it was like Long Island.

Ross: (he catches the ball and pauses, staring at Joey in disbelief) Also an island.

(The game resumes.)

Joey: Hey, what time is it?

Ross: (looks at his watch) 2:17.

Joey: Wow! You realize that we've been throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour?

Ross: Are you serious?!

Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it.

Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this! Hey! We totally forgot about lunch!

Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, my pants are a little loose!

Rachel: (entering) Hey, you guys…

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Is Monica here?

Joey and Ross: No.

Rachel: All right listen umm, I just bought something I'm not sure she's gonna like it, and it's gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something that I wanted since I was a little girl.

Ross: You bought Shawn Cassidy!

Rachel: Noo! I wish! Okay, you ready?

Joey and Ross: Yeah!

Rachel: Okay! (She goes and gets her surprise and when she returns with it, Ross stares in shock.) Check it out!

(Joey turns and looks at quite possibly one of the ugliest pets that you can possibly buy on the planet. Rachel has bought herself a hairless cat. Yep, a hairless cat! Joey and Ross start to get sick.)

Ross: What-what is it?!

Joey: What the hell is that?!!

Rachel: It's a, it's a cat!

Joey: That, is not a cat! {I have to agree with Joey on this one.}

Rachel: Yes it is!

Ross: Why is it inside out?!

Rachel: Excuse me! But this is a purebred, show-quality Sphinx cat!

Ross: How much did you pay for that?

Rachel: Well, it was a little extravagant, but I a pretty good deal.

Ross: Yeah? How much?

Rachel: A thousand bucks.

Ross: ON A CAT??!!!!

Joey: It's not a cat!

Rachel: All right listen ball boys! My grandmother had one of these when I was a little girl and it was the sweetest thing! I mean it was so cute, it would sit in my lap and purr all day long, and I would drag a shoestring on the ground and he would chase it!

Ross: Free cats do that too, y'know. {Which reminds me, if I might get a little political here, support your local animal shelter. Pet shops are not the place to buy dogs and cats from, you get a much better deal from the shelter, plus they probably won't die on you in a week and a half. If you want a leash, go to the pet shop. If you want the dog for that leash, go to the shelter and save it's life. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.}

Joey: It's not a cat!

Rachel: Ugh! Look you guys, I'm really excited about this! Okay? I don't care what you think! I'm gonna go set up a little litter box for Mrs. Whiskerson. (They both glare at her.) Well, what am I gonna call her? Fluffy?!

(Rachel goes into the bathroom as the guys continue throwing the ball.)

Ross: (To Joey) Hey, you wanna get something to eat or uh, do you wanna see how long we can throw this ball back and forth? Huh?

Joey: Uhh, the ball thing.

Ross: Yeah?

Joey: Hey Ross, wouldn't it be great if we could go two straight hours without dropping it?!

Ross: Uhh, yeah it would! Let's do it!

Joey: Okay!

(They throw the ball back and forth once.)

Joey: (catches the ball) Uh-oh.

Ross: What?

Joey: I have to pee. And Rachel's in the bathroom!

[Cut to Chandler and Joey's, Ross is seen throwing the ball into the bathroom, presumably where Joey is currently using the facilities.]

Joey: Man, I didn't think we were gonna make it!

Ross: I know! (Looks at the ball in his hands.) Don't switch hands, okay?

[Scene: the 5th Precinct, Gary's precinct, Chandler has come to talk to him about commitment. And as he's walking through the door he notices a couple of "Ladies of the night" sitting there. (If you know what I mean.)]
Chandler: Hey ladies! What are you in here for? (Laughs at his joke.)
Gary: Hey Chandler, what are you doing here?

Chandler: Gary, I'm here to report a crime.

Gary: Yeah?

Chandler: It is a crime that you and I don't spend more time together.

Gary: (laughs, then suddenly serious) What's up?

Chandler: Well, I heard that you thinking about asking Phoebe to move in with you and I thought maybe, we should have a talk. Man to uh, me.

Gary: Sure. Okay.

Chandler: Uh, are you crazy? Are you insane? If you live with Phoebe, you two are gonna be y'know, live-living together!

Gary: Yeah, I-I considered that. I just know it would make me happy.

Chandler: You mean scared.

Gary: No, I mean happy.

Chandler: Scared? Happy?

Gary: Chandler, what-what are you doing?

Chandler: I am trying to open your eyes, my man! Don't you see, if you lived with Phoebe she's always gonna be there. You're gonna get home, she's there. You go to bed, she's there. You wake up and oh yes, she's there!

Gary: I know! I can't wait!

Chandler: Were you're parents happy, or something?

Gary: Listen Chandler, the way I see it is that I was lucky enough to find someone that I really love. I just—I wanna be around her as much as I can.

Chandler: Wow, y'know when you say it, it doesn't sound so scary.

Gary: So you know what I'm talking about, right?

Chandler: Yeah, I think I do! Y'know what? You move in with her! You move in with her right now! Maybe I should in with Monica!

Gary: No, it's too soon for you guys.

Chandler: (pause) Yeah, you're right about that.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are still playing catch.]
Ross: …now when they found the remains of the Mesozoic Mastodon they discovered what appeared to be the remains of a Paleozoic Amphibian in its jaws! How did it get there?!
{Y'know, sometimes I think the script writers through in a line like that to try to trip me up. But it won't work. I'll always have the last laugh! Okay, so maybe I'm a little deluded, it's probably just my spellchecker. But, I must admit I did get Mesozoic and Paleozoic on the first attempt. Yay me! Anyhoo…}

Joey: Maybe this should be more of a quiet game.

{Oh, all right! Geez, I can't have any fun!}

Monica: (entering) Hey guys!

Joey: Hi!

Monica: Joey, I left my watch on the counter last night. (Goes to the counter) It was right here, where is it?

Joey: I don't know.

Monica: All right, come on, I'm-I'm late for work!

Ross: How do you know? You don't have a watch.

Monica: Guys, could you please just stop throwing the ball for one minute and just help me find it!

Joey: Oh, I don't know…. Yeah, can't do it.

(He throws it back to Ross, but it's intercepted by Monica and the guys both scream in horror.)

Monica: What?!

Ross: Monica, whatever you do, do not drop that ball!

Joey: Yeah, we haven't dropped it in… (Looks to Ross.)

Ross: 2 hours, 27 minutes.

Monica: Really?!

[Time lapse, Monica has joined in and is calling to get out of work.]

Monica: (on phone, faking she's sick) I-I'm not gonna be able to make it into work today, I don't feel very good. (Joey makes a high throw and Monica has to catch it way over her head.) (Not sounding sick) Yes!! (Realizes what she just did.) (Sounding sick again) Wow! Uh, for a second there I thought I was really better, but I'm not. (Hangs up and keeps throwing the ball.)

(Rachel enters.)

Ross: Hey Rach!

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Check it out! Almost 3 hours without droppin' it!

Rachel: Oh, wow! Congratulations, that's quite a waste of time.

Monica: Rach?

Rachel: Yeah?

Monica: You have scratches all over you, what happened? (Rachel's arms are covered with scratches.)

Rachel: Well, it's my cat.

Monica: (shocked) What?!

Rachel: Oh yeah, I got a cat.

Monica: I don't want a cat!

Joey: Oh, don't worry, it's not a cat.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: You guys this cat is nothing like my grandmother's cat. I mean, it's not sweet, it's not cute, I even dragged that little string on the ground, and it just flipped out and scratched the hell out of me. And I swear, I know this sounds crazy, but every time this cat hisses at me I know it's saying, "Rachel!"

Ross: Doesn't sound as crazy as paying a thousand dollars for a cat.

Monica: (To Rachel) What?! You paid a thousand dollars for a cat when you owe me 300!!

Rachel: Well, I was gonna let you play with it.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is drinking coffee as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hi!
Phoebe: Hmm, did you talk to Gary about the moving in thing?

Chandler: Yes I did, and I think you should do it.

Phoebe: What?!

Chandler: He's a great guy, y'know? And he loves you a lot, you are a very lucky lady.

Phoebe: You are useless! Freaking out about commitment is the one thing you can do! The one thing! And you can't even do that right! God!

Chandler: I’m sorry. (Pause) If you ask me, I'd move in with him.

Phoebe: Ohh!! God! (Gary enters and she sees him) Ooh! (To Chandler) Get out of here, good for nothing.

Gary: Hey Chandler.

Chandler: Hey Gar!

Gary: (To Phoebe) Hi sweetie. (Kisses her.) Hi, can I talk to you for a second?

Phoebe: Yeah! Okay. (They move to the couch.)

Gary: You look very pretty today.

Phoebe: Thanks! Okay. (They sit down.)

Gary: Here's the thing.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Gary: Y'know I really want to move this relationship forward.

Phoebe: Uh-hmm.

Gary: Because if you're not moving forward, y'know you're just moving backwards.

Phoebe: No that's not true. If you're not moving forward, you're just staying still. And staying still is good. Watch this. (She stays still for a brief second.)

Gary: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Gary: I want you to move in with me.

Phoebe: That is so sweet. But don't you think it's a little too soon? I mean there's so much we don't know about each other.

Gary: (disappointed) Oh. Oh-oh-okay, I get it.

Phoebe: I just—I don't want us to jump into something we're not ready for.

Gary: (disappointed more) Uh-huh.

Phoebe: I really don't want to mess up what we have. I'm just—I'm worried it's gonna be a big mistake.

Gary: (on the verge of tears) Yeah.

Phoebe: Which is why my answer is yes!

Gary: (suddenly happy) Really?!

Phoebe: Uh-huh! (They hug.) I'm so…happy. (She's not happy.)

Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Ross, and Monica are still playing catch, with Chandler looking on. Joey throws the ball to Monica who catches it and whips it at Ross.]
Ross: (catching the ball) Monica! Stop throwing it so hard! We're on the same team!
Chandler: Four hours? You guys have been doing this for four hours?

Joey: That's right baby.

Chandler: All right, let me in. (He jumps off of the counter to join in the game.)

Monica: (jumping in front of him) No-no! Don't do it! Don't!

Chandler: What?

Monica: He's a dropper!

Joey: Oh yeah, that's right!

Chandler: I'm not a dropper!

Ross: It's really a uh-uh three person game, y'know?

Chandler: It's throwing and catching!

Ross: All right. (He gently tosses the ball to Chandler who catches it.)

Chandler: Oh! Oh! That's so hard. (Starts to juggle the ball, but loses control and almost drops it and hands it to Monica.)

(Rachel enters with the "cat" and the chick and the duck start to get riled up.)

Joey: Whoa-whoa you guys, it's not a cat!

Monica: Oh my—Oh good God!

Rachel: (she's wearing an oven mitt to protect her hand) I give up you guys, I don't know what I'm going to do with this thing!

Ross: Baking it didn't help, huh?

Monica: So, why don't you just take it back to where you got it?

Rachel: I tried! They won't take her back.

Chandler: Maybe that's because she's a minion of the anti-Christ.

Monica: Rach, why won't they take it back?

Rachel: Well, they said would but they would only give me store credit. I mean, what am I going to do, get a thousand regular cats?

Monica: Look, if you want you can keep it at our place until you find out what to do with it.

Rachel: No Mon that's not the point. I'm out a thousand dollars, I'm all scratched up, and I'm stuck with this stupid cat that looks like a hand! (Storms out.)

(Monica sneezes.)

Monica: Oh my God, the cat's made my eyes water! Don't-don't throw it to me! My vision's been compromised!! (Quickly grabs a tissue to wipe her eyes.) Oh God! Okay. Okay. It's okay. Man, that was close.

Chandler: Yeah, you almost overreacted to something.

Phoebe and Gary: (entering) Hey!

All: Hey!

Gary: We have great news!

Phoebe: We're moving in together! Isn't it great! Yay!

All: Congratulations! Congrats!

Phoebe: I know, I'm so excited!

Gary: So am I!

Phoebe: Well, you're not more excited than I am! No way! I'm the most excited!

Gary: Okay, I'll see you at the station later.

Phoebe: Okay, yeah, I'll see you later! Don't forget about the moving in!

Gary: All right.

(Phoebe closes the door behind him.)

Monica: So you're moving in with him. What happened?

Phoebe: I couldn't tell him no. He got so sad. Maybe it'll be all right. I do really like him a lot and probably do it eventually anyway and plus, think of all the money I'll save on stamps.

Monica: Why, do you write him a lot?

Phoebe: No, I just heard when people live together, they split the cost of stamps. Don't they?

All: Yeah! That's right. Yeah-yeah! Yeah!

(Rachel enters with the cat, wearing the oven mitt, and startles Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, the oven mitts really freaked me out.

[Scene: Gary's precinct, Phoebe is entering.]
Gary: Hey, honey! Okay, so did you find any apartments? Anything in Brooklyn Heights?
Phoebe: No, nothing.

Gary: Oh really?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Gary: Nothing at all?

Phoebe: No, as soon as something opens up we'll move right in. Unless it doesn't have a pool, I need a pool. (Turns away from him.)

Gary: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

(He takes her into one of those typical interrogation rooms you see on TV and in the movies. Which is really appropriate here, since this is a TV show. What are the odds of that?)

Gary: Take a seat. You okay? You feeling all right? (Closes the door and takes off his coat.)

Phoebe: (sits down) Yeah, I feel great. 'Cause we're moving in together.

Gary: So you uh, you checked the paper for listings in Brooklyn Heights, right? You-you checked the Post?

Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, there was nothing. (Pause) Can I get some water?

Gary: In a minute. You-you checked today's Post?

Phoebe: Umm, yeah! Today's.

Gary: 'Cause uh, this is today's Post (produces one from the other chair) and uh, these are the listings I found. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, two bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, one bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights!

Phoebe: (looks at the paper) Are these for rent! I thought people were just bragging!

Gary: Let me tell you what I think might be going on. (Phoebe looks down in shame.) No-no-no, don't look at the table. Look at me. (Points to his eyes and she does so) Okay, I think somebody asked someone to move in with them. And I think someone said, "Yes" but now she's having doubts because things are moving to fast for someone. Does that sound at all possible to you?

Phoebe: Yes. Yes! Fine! I am someone! You want me to say it? I have doubts! (Pause) I'm sorry! (Puts her head down.)

Gary: Phoebe…

Phoebe: Yeah?

Gary: Phoebe, it's okay that you feel this way. I mean it is soon. And there's a lot of things we don't know about each other, and I just figure that everything I really like. And the things I don't know, I get to learn about at someplace with both our names on the mailbox.

Phoebe: That's so sweet.

Gary: Sweethart, but none of that matters if it's too soon for you. It's fine! We don't have to move in together. I just—I want you to be happy

Phoebe: Living with you would make me happy.

Gary: Phoebe, you don't have to say that.

Phoebe: No, I really wanna live with you! I wanna move in with you!

Gary: Are you sure?

Phoebe: Yes. Definitely! Yes! Let's live in an apartment that we both live in! (Hugs him.)

Gary: Oh that's great!

Phoebe: Oh wait, one sec. One sec. (Goes to the mirror) Hey you! Behind the glass! Who are you looking at! I've always wanted to say that when I was in one of these rooms, (sees the look on his face) which was never!

[Scene: The street outside Central Perk, Rachel is trying to sell the cat.]
Rachel: Show cat! Quality show cat! Show cat! (A woman approaches.)
Woman No. 1: (looks into the box) Oh my God! What's wrong with your baby?!

Rachel: It's not a baby! It's a cat!

Woman No. 1: Eew! It's creepy looking!

Rachel: Oh no! No! It's actually—it's very sweet. It's very sweet. Look! (Goes to pet it and it hisses at her.) Yeah, do you want it?

Woman No. 1: (laughs) No, I hate cats.

Rachel: Well, so then what are you doing to me? Okay? Just get out of here! All right? Move on!

(Another woman approaches.)

Woman No. 2: Wow! What an unusual cat!

Rachel: Yes! Thank you! Exactly! You want it?

Woman No. 2: Maybe. I was thinking about getting a cat, I was just going to go to the shelter (Good for her) but… Okay, why not?

Rachel: Oh, terrific! That'll be $2,000.

Woman No. 2: What?!

Rachel: Okay, a thousand.

Woman No. 2: I thought you wanted to adopt your cat.

Rachel: Well, I do, but you're just gonna have to actually look at this as more of an investment than a cat.

Woman No. 2: Okay, yeah, I just wanted a cat. (Starts to leave.)

Rachel: (makes some unintelligible sound to stop her from leaving) Obviously you know how to haggle, so I'm not gonna try and take you on. Okay? So $800 and I don't call the cops because you're robbing me blind! Blind! (Covers her eyes) Just take cat, leave the money, and run away! Run away! (Uncovers her eyes and sees that the woman has fled) Damnit! (To the cat) Cat, can't you at least smile or something?! (The cat hisses at her again, it sounds like Rachel) Okay, did anybody just hear that? Anybody?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Ross, Monica, and now Chandler are still playing catch. The guys are exhausted and sitting around the room. Monica is still standing all pumped up and being hyper-competitive yet again. {Okay! We get it! She's competitive!! Must we see all the time?!}]
Ross: I'm starving!
Monica: Come on guys! Suck it up! We're closing in on ten hours! It's gut-check time!

Joey: I don't know who made you the boss? All right? We (Ross and him) invented this game!

Monica: Please! I made this game what it is.

Chandler: Not fun anymore?

Ross: I'm still hungry!

Monica: All right, there's some pizza at my place, we can all eat with one hand right? Are you with me?

Ross: I am!

Monica: All right! Let's go! (Runs to the door.) Let's go Team Monica! (The guys all stop and stare at her) All right, we can work out the name later.

[Cut to her apartment where Rachel is sitting at the table.]

Monica: Rachel! What is your cat doing in one of my bowls!

Rachel: It's not! I'm defrosting a chicken. (Pause) Oh, I uh sold Mrs. Whiskerson.

Ross: Oh, thank God!

Joey: Did you get your money back?

Rachel: Yeah, 15 hundred dollars.

Monica: Wow! You made a profit!

Gunther: (entering with the cat) I just came for the red-velvet pillow.

Rachel: Oh yeah, there you go. (Hands over the pillow.)

Gunther: Thanks Rachel. And-and don't forget you-you can come visit her anytime you want.

Rachel: Oh good, great! I'll-I'll keep that in mind. (Turns and walks away.)

Gunther: (To Ross) Hey! So what is this? Some kind of snake or something?

[Scene: Gary and Phoebe's apartment, it's morning and they're both waking up in bed.]
Gary: I really like waking up with you.
Phoebe: I like waking up with you too. (Looks out the window) Oh! It's such a beautiful morning. (Some birds are singing outside the window) Oh, I can stay here all day.

Gary: That would be great!

Phoebe: We could have breakfast in bed…

Gary: Wait, just a second.

Phoebe: Okay. (He grabs his gun and shoots the bird.) Oh! Oh no.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Hyper-competitive Monica, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are still playing catch. Monica is finally tiring while the rest of them are totally exhausted and virtually asleep.]
Monica: All right! Come on Monica! Look alive! Come on, look alive!
Phoebe: (entering) Oh good, you're all up.

Rachel: Phoebe! It's 6 o'clock in the morning! Why aren't you at Gary's?

Phoebe: Oh yeah, that's over.

All: What?!

Chandler: Come on! Gary's such a great guy! Whatever the problem is, you can work it out!

Phoebe: He shot a bird!

Chandler: Oh that is over!

All: That's terrible! I'm sorry!

Rachel: Phoebe, are you okay?

Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, I'll be alright.

Joey: Oh hey, here Pheebs. (He throws her the ball.)

Phoebe: (catches it) Nah, I don't feel like playing. (She sets the ball down on the table and everyone gasps.)

Monica: It's okay. It's okay. Just pretend that it didn't happen! Okay? No one needs to know! I mean, Phoebe's not an official ballplayer! I mean, only official ballplayers can drop the ball!

All: All right. Okay. I'm starving! (They all get up, thus officially ending the game.)

Rachel: Phoebe, honey, wanna get some breakfast?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Monica: Okay! Okay, let's race! First one there wins! Ha-ha! (Runs out the door and everyone watches her leave.)

(Pause)

Chandler: You guys wanna eat here?

All: Yeah! As long as we're here!

Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Joey: Man that was great! Huh? Can you believe how long we threw that ball around?
Rachel: Yeah, it is amazing it lasted that long.

Ross: I know. My arm is killing me.

Rachel: No, I meant with the dropper over here. (Points at Chandler.)

Chandler: Y'know, how did I get this reputation as a dropper? Okay? I'm anything but a dropper. (We see various scenes of him dropping a football, a mug of coffee, the phone, an apple, a Frisbee, a record, and the final scene has a ball bouncing off of his chest. I'm not going to describe them, you'll have to see them.)

Monica: Okay, guys, listen, don't forget that tomorrow is the day that Emily gets married again, so whatever we do, just try to really keep Ross's mind off of it.

Joey: Oh, yeah, good idea.

(Ross returns.)

Chandler: Hey man, what's up?

Ross: (sits down at the table) Oh, eh, just thinking about Emily getting married tomorrow. (Joey panics.)

Joey: Ooh, Ross, look! Look! (Points behind Ross.)

Ross: (turning and looking) What? Where?

Joey: Right over there! Right there! Look-look-look!

Ross: What am I looking at?

Joey: (to the rest of the gang) Somebody help me out here!

Phoebe: (entering, with Gary) Hey!

Gary: Hello!

Monica: Hey!

Gary: How are you?

Phoebe: Monica, I'm sorry I didn't come by last night. I was out with Gary; he let me ride around with him in his cop car. We saw and prevented crimes.

Joey: You got to go on a ride along?!

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

Joey: I want to go on a ride along!

Ross: Me too!

Gary: Okay!

Chandler: Yeah, yeah! Me too!

Gary: Really?! You?

Chandler: Yeah.

Gary: Well, it's kinda dangerous.

Chandler: Well, I like danger.

Gary: Okay, you guys free tonight?

Joey and Ross: Yeah!!

Chandler: Tonight? You-you didn't say it was going to be at nighttime.

Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is kneeling at the coffee table and has a bunch of pictures laid out in front of her as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey!
Monica: Hey! Oh, I'm so glad you're home, I thought tonight we could finally organize these photos!

Rachel: Ohh, thank God! Finally!

Monica: Okay, I've broken them down into categories. Okay, we have uh, we got holidays, birthdays, candids, y'know… And then what I've done is I've cross-referenced them by subject. Right? So if you're looking up, oh let's say birthdays and dogs, you get Photo 152. See? (Hands her the photo.)

Rachel: Ohh, it's me and La Poo! Wow! I miss that dog.

Monica: You can also find him under umm, dog and dead.

Rachel: Great! Thanks!

Monica: All right, hand me that other box of photos; that's the very last one.

Rachel: Okay.

(She picks up the box and the bottom falls out, spilling all of the pictures onto Monica's neat little piles.)

Rachel: Oops. Sorry! Well, good thing you number all of them, huh?

Monica: I hadn't! Photo 152 was a prototype.

Rachel: Ohhhh. Honey, honey, honey, it's okay, it's okay honey. I'm gonna fix you a drink, huh? Maybe a margarita?

Ross: Ross has the blender! Ugh, everything's just falling apart!

Rachel: No honey, it's okay! Listen, I'll got to Ross's and get the blender, you get all the margarita stuff ready.

Monica: All right, he's keys are in the drawer. Y'know what? I also need some cash.

Rachel: Okay, you want me to stop at the ATM?

Monica: Nah, while you're at Ross's if you see any lying around…

Rachel: What?!

Monica: What?! I-I-I don't, I don't do that!

(Rachel slowly leaves the apartment.)

[Scene: Gary's cop car, Ross is in the front seat with Gary of course. Chandler is in the back seat.]
Ross: (to Gary) That was so cool man, the way you leaned on that guy.
Chandler: It is starting to get dark out there.

Ross: (to Gary) He told you everything! I mean you totally cracked him!

Gary: Yeah well, being that he was the victim, they're usually pretty talkative.

Chandler: (laughing) Okay. (Deadpan) But it is officially nighttime.

(Gary reaches up to grab that little light that cops have for unmarked cop cars.)

Ross: Oh hey, Gary, want me to grab the berry for ya?

Gary: It's called the cherry.

Ross: It's the—Chandler!!

(Chandler starts laughing at his joke.)

Joey: (returning from a deli) Okay, I got it! This place makes the best sandwich in the world!

Gary: Hey Joe does it have meatballs on it?

Joey: Oh-ho, yeah!

Gary: Does it have melted cheese and marinara sauce?

Joey: Yep!

Gary: Yeah, you can't eat that in my car.

Joey: (dejected) Yeah okay. (To Chandler) Even though my tax dollars paid for this car.

Chandler: Your tax dollars?

Joey: Yeah, okay.

[Time lapse, they're still on the ride along and Joey is just sniffing his sandwich.]

Chandler: (leans in and takes a sniff of Joey's sandwich) Wow! That sandwich really does smell good.

Joey: Did I say you could smell it?!

Chandler: I can't smell your sandwich?

Joey: Half the taste is in the smell! You-you're sucking up all the tastiness!

Chandler: Okay, I'll give them back. (Exhales strongly through his nose and Joey just glares at him.) Look! What is so great about that sandwich?

Joey: Okay, imagine the best sex you've ever had.

Chandler: Okay.

Joey: Are you thinking about Monica?

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Yeah, what's that like?

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is just entering. She takes off her coat and heads for the kitchen. As she does, she knocks something off of a bookcase next to the kitchen door with her coat and it breaks.]
Rachel: Ohh please don't be from a real dinosaur! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! (She picks up the 2 pieces and looks at the stand.) Made in Mexico! Yes!! Ugh, who would buy this?! (Looks for a place to hide it and finds a wall sconce and drops the pieces into it and heads into the kitchen as the phone rings.)
Monica: (on the answering machine) Rach! It's me! Pick up!

(Rachel runs over and answers the phone with the blender in hand.)

Rachel: Hey! What's up?!

Monica: I need a few more things to make the margaritas. Uhh, I need some salt, some margarita mix, and tequila.

Rachel: So all we have is ice?

Monica: See if he has ice.

Rachel: Okay.

(She hangs up the phone and starts to head back to the kitchen and notices some money lying out, stops, reaches down to pick it up, the phone rings causing her to drop it, she quickly puts it back, and heads for the kitchen.)

Emily: (on answering machine) Hello Ross? It's Emily. (Rachel runs back into the room with the tequila.) I know this is out of the blue but uh, I'm getting married tomorrow. Well, maybe I am. I keep thinking about you and I'm wondering if-if we made a mistake giving up so fast. Are you thinking about me? Of course you're not, but if you are, call me tonight. Okay, bye.

Rachel: Oh. Oh! (Takes a slug of tequila.)

[Scene: The ride along.]
Ross: So where are we going next?
Gary: This witness won't return my calls so we're gonna see if we can surprise him coming home.

Chandler: Sur-surprise him? We're not, we're not gonna make anybody mad are we?

Joey: Come on man! (To Gary) Listen so uh, are you gonna squeeze the perps shoes a little bit before he lawyers up?

Gary: It's a witness not a perp. And no one talks like that!

Ross: Yeah, no one talks like that!

Joey: Oh what? Like your Mr. Cop!

Ross: Hey, I'm more cop than you two!

Chandler: How do you figure that?

Ross: Hello! I'm in the front seat, okay? I'm Gary's partner!

Chandler: Y'know, when you say partner it doesn't sound cop. It, it sounds gay.

Ross: Umm, jealous! (He drops the cherry and it turns on.)

Gary: Hey, do you mind? We're under cover here.

Ross: Yeah, no problem. (Tries to turn it off.)

Gary: Ross!

Ross: Sorry! Sorry! Oh, (He sticks it under his shirt) there! (It's just there flashing through his shirt) Hey Gary, who am I? Phone home!

(Gary just glares at him.)

[Time lapse, Ross has been demoted to the back seat with Joey and Chandler. He's not too happy about it.]

Chandler: Look at Officer Ross riding back here with the visitors.

Joey: Yeah, what's up with that Serpico?

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is playing Emily's message to Monica.]
Emily: (on answering machine) Are you thinking about me? Of course you're not, but if you are, call me tonight. Okay, bye.
Monica: (does Rachel's) Nooo!

Rachel: (does Monica's) I know!

Monica: Well thank God you were here! I mean, we have to erase that!

Rachel: What?! We can't do that!

Monica: We have too! I mean what if Ross's hears that and then calls her back and then they get back together? Is that what you want? Ross back with that controlling, neurotic, crazy Emily? The Emily that wouldn't let him see you?

Rachel: Noo! Oh no! No! God no! He should not get back together with her. I know that! You know that! Even Ross knows that! But that still doesn’t give us the right to erase his message!

Monica: I'm his sister, okay? I love him! I don't want to see him get hurt! Come on! Doesn’t that give me the right to control him—help him?

Rachel: I don't think he's the one who needs help.

(They both sit down.)

Monica: No, look, she's obviously unstable, okay? I mean she's thinking about running out on her wedding day. (Rachel slowly turns and glares at her.) (Realizing what she just said.) Okay, fine! But I mean, look at the position she's putting him in! What's he gonna do? Ross is gonna run over there on the wedding day and break up the marriage?! I mean, who would do that?! (Rachel again turns and glares at her in disgust.) Okay, fine, all right, but that's y'know, it's different! Although it did involve a lot of the same people.

Rachel: Ugh!

Monica: Y'know what, this is obviously some kind of twisted joke she's trying to play on him.

Rachel: Okay, you are crazy! I'm sorry, but she sounded generally upset! I mean, listen! (She hits a button on the machine.)

Answering Machine: Your messages have been erased.

Rachel: Noooooooo!

[Scene: The ride along, they're all waiting outside of the witness's house and still in the car in the same places as before.]
Chandler: Okay, y'know, we-we're safe right? I mean nothing bad can go down!
Gary: No. But that reminds me, (handing back a clipboard) sign this.

Ross: What is it?

Gary: Oh it's nothing, it just says that you can't sue the city if you scrap your knee or y'know, get your head blown off.

Chandler: (deadpan) Oh, hurry up. I want to sign that.

Gary: Okay, here he comes. What is he doing? What the hell is he doing?!

Ross: What? What? What? What is it?

Joey: Is everything okay?

Chandler: What's going on?

Gary: Okay, he sees us. Now don't move. Don't look at him.

(They all turn and look away. Suddenly a loud bang sounds out and in slow motion Joey slowly throws his body over Ross. Gary is shocked at what he sees while Chandler is obviously hurt.)

Gary: Hey, it's okay. It was just a car backfire. (Joey slowly moves off of Ross.) Hey, look at that! You tried to save your buddy. You see that? You see what he did?

Joey: (To Ross) You okay man?

Ross: Uh-huh. Thank Joey!

Chandler: Uh, HELLO!!

Joey: Hi.

Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Monica has all the supplies she needs and is getting ready to leave.]
Monica: All right, I guess we should go.
Rachel: No, wait. Wait.

Monica: Oh yeah right! (She grabs the money and shoves into her pocket.)

Rachel: No, Monica! Monica! We have to fix this!

Monica: There's nothing we can do. You erased the message!

Rachel: Yeah well unless we tell him.

Monica: Well, if you're gonna be totally rational about this, I can't argue with you! All right? Fine, if you wanna tell him, tell him. I just don't want to be a part of it.

(The phone rings.)

Rachel: Oh, maybe that's Emily calling back to leave the exact same message.

Ross: (on the machine) Hey Ross! It's you! I just want you to remember this feeling. You are lucky to be alive! So live everyday to the fullest. Love yourself, okay? Okay. Oh, and also get stamps. Bye! (He hangs up.)

Monica: Wow! Play that message for Emily and this whole problem goes away!

Rachel: Right?

[Scene: Central Perk, the guys are returning from the ride along to find Phoebe already there.]
Gary: Hey, anybody want to meet a hero?
Phoebe: (excited) John Glenn is here?!

Gary: No, Joey!

Ross: Pheebs, we had the most incredible night! Okay, so, we're in the car…

Gary: Wait! Hold on! (He goes over to Phoebe and gives her a kiss.) (To Phoebe) Hi!

Phoebe: Hi!

Gary: (To Ross) Okay, go ahead.

Ross: Okay, okay, so we're in the car. Right? And bang! A shot was fired. And Joey with no regard for his own safety throws himself on me!

Phoebe: My God, Joey!

Chandler: (pouting) It was a car backfire!

Ross: Yeah, but-but he didn't know that!

Joey: Yeah, I didn't know that.

Ross: And it could've just as easily have been a bullet.

Gary: Hey Joe, you ever think about joining the force? We could use a guy like you.

Chandler: Who jumps at loud noises!

Ross: Wow! I could've died tonight.

Chandler: Yeah! If the car that backfired had run over you! Y'know what, I think I'll go home before Ross starts rambling about his newfound respect for life. (He gets up and starts for the door.)

Ross: I do have a newfound respect for life.

Chandler: (returning) Oh my God! (Storms out.)

Gary: (To Phoebe) So you wanna get some dinner?

Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Yep! (Gets up) Oh, y'know what? If I heard a shot right now, I'd throw my body on you.

Gary: Oh yeah? Well maybe you and I should take a walk through a bad neighborhood.

Phoebe: Okay!

Gary: All right.

Phoebe: Bye!

Ross and Joey: Bye!

(They leave as Ross stares in awe at Joey.)

Joey: Cut it out Ross! I hate to have to save your life and kick your ass in the same day!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is pacing as Joey enters.]
Joey: Dude! How come you took off?
Chandler: Oh, I just went for a walk, around the living room. Whatever…

Joey: Is something wrong?

Chandler: No. No I'm just tired. Y'know, from-from the walk.

Joey: Okay.

Chandler: You dove in front of Ross! Ross!

Joey: That's what this is about! Oh my God, you hate Ross!

Chandler: I do not hate Ross!

Joey: Of course you do! I saved him! You're mad at me! It all adds up! You want Ross out of the picture.

Chandler: What picture?

Joey: I don't know, but I don't like what I'm hearing!

Chandler: Look I'm very glad that you saved Ross from the car backfire, but y'know, it could've been a bullet and you y'know, you didn't try to save me!

Joey: Ohh, you're upset because you think I chose Ross over you! No! I…knew…you could take care of yourself. Y'know, I mean Ross, he need help. He's not street like us!

Chandler: When it comes down to it, you would risk your life for Ross before you would for me. That's the bottom line.

Joey: Well, no, not exactly! All right, look, I, I wasn't trying to save Ross. Okay? My sandwich was next to Ross. All right? I was, I was trying to save my sandwich.

Chandler: From a bullet!

Joey: I know it doesn't make much sense…

Chandler: Much sense?!

Joey: Look Chandler, it was instinct! Okay? I just went for it!

Chandler: So you risked your life, for a sandwich!

Joey: I know it sounds crazy, but Chandler this is (Goes and picks up the sandwich) the greatest sandwich in the world!

Chandler: So you didn't uh, choose Ross before me.

Joey: No! I would never do that! You-you're like my brother!

Chandler: Really?!

Joey: Yeah! In fact, to prove how much you mean to me, (He unwraps the sandwich and holds it out for Chandler) here.

Chandler: Thanks. (He grabs the sandwich.)

Joey: No, eh, oh-oi, easy, it's not a hot dog!

(Chandler takes a bite.)

Joey: How good is that?

Chandler: (with his mouthful) Oh-oi-ho, yeah!

Joey: See?

Chandler: Hm-hmm. (Goes to take another bite.)

Joey: Oh-whoa-hey, dude, what are you doing?!

Chandler: I thought you were showing me how much you mean to me.

Joey: Yeah. With a bite! (Takes back the sandwich.) Gee-e-e-eez!

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is trying to repair the thing she broke earlier, but gets interrupted by hearing Ross at the door. She panics and throws the thing into the kitchen. And runs to the couch as Ross enters.]
Rachel: Hey! Hi!
Ross: Rach, what uh, what are you doing here?

Rachel: Hey! Y'know what? You are in our apartment all the time! Okay? This is, this is just a drop in the bucket mister!

Ross: Y'know, it-it doesn't matter. The important thing is that you're here. You're my friend, and you're here. Oh! (He goes over and hugs her.)

Rachel: Okay, just a little scared. What's going on Ross?

Ross: The most amazing thing happened tonight. I thought my number was up. I had an actual near death experience!

Rachel: What?! What? What happened?!

Ross: Okay, okay, we were on the ride along with Gary, right?

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: And somebody took a shot at me!

Rachel: (gasps) Really?!

Ross: No, a car backfired, but (Rachel suddenly calms down) I thought somebody was taking a shot at me. And Rach, I…I survived! And I was filled with this-this great respect for life. Y'know? I-I want to experience every moment. I want to seize every opportunity. I-I am seeing everything so-so clearly now.

Rachel: Because a car backfired?

Ross: (stares at her briefly) Okay, why are you here?

Rachel: Well, I-I-I don't know how this fits into your whole "seizing" thing but um, Emily called you today.

Ross: You talked to her?

Rachel: No, she left a message. (He starts for the machine.) (Stopping him.) But it-it kinda got erased. There's just (Pause) something wrong with your machine.

Ross: Well, okay, what-what did she say?

Rachel: Well, uh something about having second thoughts about the wedding and did you guys make a mistake breaking up and uh, she wants you to call her.

Ross: Wow!

Rachel: Now, that-that was a good thing that I told you, right?

Ross: Huh? Yeah! Yes, of course!

Rachel: Okay. Thank you! Thank you! Because—I'm sorry, all right. Because y'know what? She didn't want me—not important. The point is, I was right. Your decision. Okay? I was right. (She starts for the door.) (Stops) Your decision.

Ross: Right. I guess, I guess I should call Emily.

Rachel: Okay, no, that's not the right decision. That's not, that's not right, no Ross-Ross, come on! I mean, that woman made you miserable! Okay, Ross, do you really want to get back into that?

Ross: Okay, look, yesterday I would've even considered calling her back, but my ex-wife calls on the same day I have a near death experience. I mean, that-that has got to mean something!

Rachel: Ugh, Ross! That was not a near death experience! That was barely an experience!

Ross: You weren't there! Okay, maybe this is something that I-I'm supposed to seize! Y'know?

Rachel: Okay, y'know what? Maybe, this is not about seizing stuff. Maybe this is about escaping stuff.

Ross: Huh.

Rachel: I mean, look-look today you escaped (Pause) (Not believing it) death, y'know? And maybe this is a chance for you to escape getting back together with Emily?

Ross: That does make sense. Because I do wanna seize some opportunity, but I-I really don't wanna see or talk to her.

Rachel: Well, there you go!

Ross: Yeah. Maybe today is just, close call day.

Rachel: (laughing) Close call day.

Ross: Hey, thanks Rach. (They hug.)

Rachel: Ohh, honey no problem. Okay. (Gets up.)

Ross: Oh wait-wait-wait! The message is blinking. Maybe you didn't erase it.

Rachel: Oh?

(Ross hits the playback button.)

Ross: (on machine) "Hey Ross, it's you!" (Hits the stop button) Oh yeah, no that's-that's an old message, nobody needs to hear that.

Rachel: No. (She heads for the door again.)

Ross: (looking at the coffee table where his money was) Hey umm, was-was Monica here?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Yeah, I want my money back.

Rachel: (going out the door) Yeah, uh you-you probably need that for stamps, right?

(Ross is stunned.)

Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Ross: Hey Pheebs, has Gary ever been shot at for real?
Phoebe: Yes. Once. Yeah, a little. He kinda did it to himself. It's not really a good story.

Ross: I wonder how I would react under fire, y'know? And not backfire but-but heavy fire, like I was in a war or something.

Monica: Man, I would be great in a war! I mean, I really, I think I would make a fantastic military leader. I mean I know I would make General way before any of you guys.

Chandler: Before or after you were shot by your own troops?

Ross: I know where Joey would be. He would be down in the foxhole protecting all of us.

Chandler: Yes, if the foxhole was lined with sandwiches.

Joey: Yeah, hero sandwiches. (Points at Ross who points back.)

Phoebe: Well you all know that I'm a pacifist so I'm not interested in war in any way. (Gets up) But y'know what? When the revolution comes, I will have to destroy you all. (Starts to leave.) (To Joey) Not you Joey.

(Joey gets all happy with himself, while the rest of the gang is less than enthused.)

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: Wow! You look nice. What's the occasion?

Chandler: Monica and I are celebrating our ten-month anniversary, we've got reservations at Ja George.

Ross: Wow! How'd you get in there?

Chandler: Made a few calls, pulled some strings, and they agreed to seat us at 11:30 if we both had the chicken and didn't get desert.

(There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it. It's the pizza delivery girl.)

Delivery Girl: Hi Chandler!

Chandler: Hey Caitlin! Somebody got a haircut.

Caitlin: Ugh, I hate it! I look like an 8-year-old boy.

Chandler: Yeah, if that was true, gym class would've been a lot more interesting.

Caitlin: It's uh, 27 dollars even.

Chandler: Oh, okay. (Hands her the money.) Here you go.

(The duck starts quacking.)

Caitlin: Hey, where's the chicken?

Chandler: Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off, said that eggs came first.

Caitlin: (laughs) Great. I'll see you later!

Chandler: Okay, bye!

(He closes the door and turns to see Ross glaring at him.)

Ross: What the hell was that?!

Chandler: What?

Ross: The flirting! Aren't you supposed to be going out with, I don't know hmm, let's say my sister?!

Chandler: I was not flirting.

Ross: It was totally flirting. "Somebody got a haircut (Makes some whiney, nasally noises.)"

Chandler: Okay first of all, the impression, uncanny. And second, that was not flirting, that was just casual conversation between two people. That is all.

Ross: Yeah, right.

Chandler: You wanna see flirting? I'll show you flirting. (Starts to move towards Ross.)

Ross: (backing away) I'm good.

Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are in the kitchen.]
Rachel: I am so proud of Joey, I can't believe he's going to be on Law & Order!
Phoebe: I know. But don't you think that it should be called Order and Law?

Rachel: No because first they arrest the guy and then they try him.

Phoebe: Don't get me started on that.

(Ross and Chandler enter with the pizzas.)

Chandler: I was not flirting.

Ross: And on your anniversary, for shame!

Rachel: What's going on?

Ross: Chandler was hitting on the hot delivery girl!

Chandler: I was not and oh God, shh!

Ross: Well I'm sorry but you were! Okay? And besides if anyone should be hitting on her it's the guy who's single, the guy that who-who-who can do something about it.

Phoebe: Sounds like somebody wants to be Mr. Pizza Delivery Girl.

Ross: Well…

Chandler: Is that what this is about? You like Caitlin?

(Ross looks at Rachel.)

Rachel: Ross! We broke up two years ago; you've been married since then. I think it's okay that we see other people.

Ross: Well, I-I was watching her the other day at the pizza place.

Rachel: Hm-mmm.

Ross: And she's just so sexy and funny and has the cutest little…

Rachel: Okay, y'know what? We don't need her measurements.

Phoebe: (looking through the pizzas) Okay pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni, okay Ross, I know she's pretty and you love her, but is she stupid?! She forgot my vegetarian!

Ross: This is perfect! She'll have to come back here with your pizza, and when she does, I'll turn on the Charm-O-Ross. Oh I'm so glad you don't eat meat.

Phoebe: See? Vegetarianism benefits everyone.

Joey: (entering, with his grandmother) Hey everybody, look who's here! You remember my grandmother!

Rachel: Big night!

Phoebe: This is so cool!

Chandler: So, Joey on Law & Order, you must be very proud!

Joey: Chandler, she doesn't understand a word of English.

Chandler: I'm sorry, I thought you were Joey's other grandmother. (She just stares at him.) I've done it again.

Joey: She's my biggest fan. Yeah, she's the only one in the family that's believed in me.

(They both start speaking Italian to each other, and since I'm not Italian and don't understand one word, we'll move on to the English portion of the show. Not, that I'm English. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that I'm not. Y'know I think I should shut-up now and move on. Anyhoo, she says something about Joey being fat I think based on this line.)

Joey: Yeah, I uh weighted like 27 pounds when I was born so…

Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey! Happy Anniversary!

Chandler: Happy Anniversary, 10 months! (They kiss.)

Monica: So umm, when I was in the shower I was thinking about our first night in London…

Chandler: Uhh, Joey's grandmother is right there. (Points)

Monica: Is that the one that speaks English or the one that doesn't?

Chandler: The one that doesn't.

Monica: That was some hot love you gave me! I'm gonna go get ready.

Chandler: Hey, why don't you wear those earrings I gave you?

Monica: That's a great idea! I was saving them for something special.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: (runs over to Phoebe) You have got to go home!

Phoebe: But I like it here!

Monica: You gotta go home and get the earrings that you borrowed from me okay? Chandler wants me to wear them tonight.

Phoebe: Okay, well I think that they're in my purse. Why don't you go get dressed and I'll look for them.

Monica: Great!

Phoebe: Okay! (Walks over to Rachel) Rach, hi, I need those earrings you borrowed.

Rachel: Oh, umm, okay, yeah, I'll be, yeah I'll be right back. (Goes to her room.)

(Phoebe then gets possessed 'cause she starts speaking in tongues. She speaks Italian to Joey's grandmother. She is quickly exorcised and returns to speaking in English. Of course, too most people English is a strange language as well. But none of them are probably reading this and if they were they wouldn't understand it. So why am I talking about them? I have absolutely no clue. Moving on…)

Joey: Wow Pheebs, you speak Italian?

Phoebe: I guess so. (See, the brief possession didn't affect her at all, like we could really tell.)

Rachel: (She enters and hands Phoebe the earring) Here you go. Thank you!

Phoebe: Wait, Rach! Where's the other one?

Rachel: Oh what, you-you want both of them?

Phoebe: Rachel Karen Green, where's the other earring?!

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, look, just don't freak out, but I kinda lost it. I know it's in the apartment, but I definitely lost it.

Phoebe: Well, what am I going to tell Monica? She wants to wear them tonight!

Rachel: Tell her to wear her own earrings.

Phoebe: These are her earrings.

Rachel: Nooo! Nooooo! You lent me Monica's earrings?! I'm not allowed to borrow her stuff!

Phoebe: Why not?

Rachel: Because I lose her stuff!

[Time Lapse, the gang is now watching Law & Order. By the way, the entire rest of the episode takes place in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together? Something to think about.]

Joey: Okay, see that blind guy right there? I'm gonna bash his head in later.

(His grandmother asks him something.)

Joey: Oh umm, my big scene is coming up. Big scene coming up.

Chandler: If you said, "Big lima bean, bubbling up." Would she understand the difference?

Monica: (noticing Rachel crawling behind the couch) Rach? What are you doing?

Rachel: Oh boy, I just can't watch. It's too scary!

Monica: It's a diaper commercial.

Rachel: Oh yeah well, you know me, babies, responsibilities, ahhh!!!

(There's a knock on the door.)

Caitlin: Pizza delivery!

Ross: I'll get it! I will get that! (Runs over and opens the door.)

Caitlin: Hi!

Ross: Hi!

Caitlin: One uh, vegetarian pizza. That's $12.15.

Ross: Oh. Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel any better. I happen to like 8-year-old boys.

Caitlin: What?!

Ross: (I can't make it out.) The uh, your hair, before, your hair, you said you thought your looks like an 8-year-old's, and I'm just saying I like it. The hair.

Caitlin: Oh. Thanks.

Ross: You understand I don't actually like 8-year-old boys.

Caitlin: Y'know, all I'm looking for is the money.

Chandler: Here you go. (Hands her the money.) Now stop bringing us pizzas you.

Caitlin: I'm gonna try. (Walks away and Ross closes the door.)

Chandler: You're welcome.

Ross: You couldn't let me have her, could ya?!

Chandler: What?

Ross: This is a girl that I really like and had too swoop in there!

Monica: What's goin' on?

Ross: Chandler was totally flirting with the hot delivery girl!

Chandler: Thank you for that! (To Monica) I was not flirting.

Monica: It's okay. I don't care. It's uh, it's fine.

Ross: Really?!

Chandler: Really?!

Monica: It's no big deal, I do it all the time.

Chandler: (starts to laugh, but then gets serious) So umm, you-you flirt with guys all the time?

Monica: Sure! It doesn't mean anything! Just like I know it doesn't mean anything with you!

Chandler: Okay, but there is a big difference. You are a lot hotter than I am.

Joey: (walking past) True story! (Goes and sits down.)

Monica: Chandler, this actually bothers you?

Chandler: Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women?

Rachel: Uhh, no, no, it bothered me when he slept with other women.

Ross: And thank you, for that.

Rachel: But y'know, I never really had anything to worry about. Ross was never very good at the flirting thing.

Ross: What? (Mumbles) What-what, what are talking about? It-it worked with you.

Rachel: Oh! Y'know what? You're right! We meet, you flirted and then bamn nine years later you had me!

Ross: All right, all right. You-you-you know what I'm going to do? I am going to order another pizza and when Caitlin gets here, you-you--I will show how well I flirt. Yeah! I will, I will get her phone number! (To Chandler) And not the one on the menu!

Phoebe: (entering from Rachel's bedroom) I found it!

Rachel: Ohh! Thank God! Where was it?

Phoebe: On your dresser.

Rachel: Okay that is the one we already have!

Joey: Okay, here's my big scene. My big scene's here! (They have two of the cops on the street, then they cut to where they're entering an apartment.) Oh my God.

Monica: What?

Joey: (smiling) Okay, everybody just keep smiling. It'll kill my grandmother if she finds out.

Chandler: (smiling) Well, what is it?

Joey: (smiling) Oh, they cut me out of the show.

Rachel: (smiling) What?!

Ross: (smiling) Are you sure?

Phoebe: (smiling) Maybe your scene's coming up?

Joey: (smiling) Not likely. 'Cause you see that body bag right there

Rachel: (smiling) Yeah.

Joey: (smiling) I'm in it.

Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's continued from before the commercial break.]
Phoebe: (smiling) This is terrible, what are you going to do?
Joey: (smiling) I don't know. This little, old lady lives for my career. When they dumped me off of Days of Our Lives she almost died.

Phoebe: (not smiling) That's not good.

Joey: (smiling) No, smile! Not that face, smile! Everybody smile! (They all smile.)

Rachel: (smiling) Joey, why don't you just tell her what happened? It's not your fault.

Chandler: (smiling) If we keep talking this way, aren't we gonna freak her out soon?

Grandma Tribbiani: (Something in Italian to Joey.)

Joey: Soon, soon, I'm gonna be on soon. There I am! (Points to the screen, of course it isn't him.)

Grandma Tribbiani: (pointing at the screen) No! Sam Waterston!

Joey: No-no-no, that-that's me, that's me.

Grandma Tribbiani: No, it's Sam Waterston! Crimes and Misdemeanors, Capricorn One.

Chandler: Doesn't know, "Hello." But she knows Capricorn One.

(Phoebe gets up.)

Monica: (following her) Phoebe! I have to have those earrings, we're going to leave as soon as the show is over.

Phoebe: But I already gave them back to you!

Monica: No you didn't.

Phoebe: All right, I already didn't give them back to you, that's what I said. (Walks away over to Rachel.) Where is that other earring?

Rachel: It's not here Pheebs, it's not here. Ohh, I went to Joey and Chandler's last night! Okay! (Goes to the door.)

Phoebe: Make sure you check Chandler's jewelry box.

Rachel: Wait a minute. Chandler has a jewelry box?

Phoebe: Okay, we have like ten minutes. Do you want me to get into that now?!

(Rachel heads for Joey and Chandler's and Phoebe heads for the kitchen to find Ross.)

Ross: (To Phoebe) Hey Pheebs! How's that uh, vegetarian pizza working out for ya? You and those vegetables have a real thing going on, huh?

Phoebe: (she just looks at him) Why are you being weird?

Ross: Do you like it?

Phoebe: No, that would be, "Why are you being cute?"

Ross: Okay, I'm working on my flirting.

Phoebe: Ohh! I did not get that.

[Cut to Chandler and Monica on the couch.]

Chandler: So uh Monica, do you, do you like the Law & Order?

Monica: Yeah, it's good.

Chandler: See, I'm finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the Law & Order and that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area!

Monica: Chandler! (Joey and his grandmother shush them and wave them away, which they do.) Okay, let me get this straight, it's okay for you to flirt, but not for me.

Chandler: Oh, I'm so glad we cleared that up. Look, I'm sorry, some things are different for men and for women.

Monica: Go on, teach me something about men and women.

Chandler: Okay, I've already taught you so much already, but whatever. See when you flirt with a guy you think, "I'm just flirting, no big deal." But the guy is thinking, "Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me!"

Monica: No way!

Chandler: It's true.

Monica: Well that's pathetic!

Chandler: Again true.

Monica: And this goes for all guys?

Chandler: All guys that are awake. Then we go to sleep and then all the guys from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way.

Joey: (To Ross in the kitchen) All right, it's another commercial; I still haven't told her!

Ross: Joey! This is like the last commercial. You've got like (checks his watch) ten minutes left!

Joey: I know, I know! What am I going to do? (Thinks) Ooh!

Monica: No! You are not gonna run out and leave her here!

Joey: (dejected) Yeah, all right. (Thinks of something.) Ooh! (He quickly runs out before anyone can stop him.)

Grandma Tribbiani: Joey!

Chandler: Uh, Joey is gonna be right back. Right back! (Tries to pantomime it for her.) Meanwhile, let's-let's-let's talk about you. (Pause.) So, you're old and small.

[Time lapse, Rachel is coming back from Chandler and Joey's.]

Rachel: (entering) (To Phoebe) (whispering) Hey!

Phoebe: Did you find it?

Rachel: The earring? No. But look, I found my sunglasses under the couch! I've been looking for these since like last summer. (Puts 'em on.)

Phoebe: Okay, those are my sunglasses, you borrowed them from me.

Rachel: Okay, calm down, here they are. (Gives back the sunglasses.)

Monica: (entering from her room) Phoebe! (Motions for the earrings. Phoebe gives her the one-minute sign.)

Phoebe: (To Rachel) What are we going to do?!

Rachel: I don't know, I don't know.

Phoebe: All right well, we're just gonna have to tell Monica, that's all.

Rachel: Oh gosh, she's going to kill me.

Phoebe: I suppose I could tell her it's just all my fault.

Rachel: Ohh that'd be great!

Phoebe: Mon, can I talk to you for a sec?

Monica: Yeah, what is it?

Phoebe: Umm, I lost one of your earrings. I'm sorry! I am so, so sorry!

Monica: (shocked) Wow! All right well, I mean, what can you do? If you lost it you lost it.

Phoebe: I will replace it, I promise. I feel so terrible.

Monica: All right, sweetie that's fine. You didn't do it on purpose.

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Look at you! Come here! (They hug.) Feel better?

Phoebe: Yeah! You're the best!

Rachel: Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute, I-I-I, I can't do this. Listen honey, this is, it's not Phoebe's fault. She lent me the earrings, and I lost it. I'm so sorry. Honey, I feel terrible too. (Holds out her arms for a hug.)

Monica: (angrily) That is exactly why I do not lend you stuff!! (Rachel looks over at Phoebe in resignation.) Okay?! I mean, first it's my jewelry! And if it's not my jewelry, it's-it's my blue sweater! And if it's not my sweater, it's my sunglasses!

Rachel: Your sunglasses?!

Monica: Yes!

Phoebe: Oh, right! (Hands Monica back her sunglasses.)

Caitlin: (from outside) Pizza!

Ross: (running to the door) Oh, mine! Mine! Mine! (to everyone) Okay, here goes. Prepare yourselves for some Class A flirting.

Chandler: Okay, hold on. (Pauses as he readies himself.) Okay. (Walks away.)

Rachel: Honey, you have nothing to prove. And if you really like this girl, I don't flirting is the right thing to… (Ross interrupts and shushes her.)

Ross: You'll see. Okay. (Readies himself.) Oh, what's-what's her name?

All: Caitlin!

Grandma Tribbiani: Caitlin!

Ross: (He opens the door while faking a laugh.) Hey! Oh, we-we can't keep eating like this. (Monica turns her head in shame.)

Caitlin: It's uh, $12.50.

Ross: Okay, (gets the money) so, do you make the pizzas in one of those uh, wood-burning ovens?

Caitlin: No actually umm, I think that they're umm, gas.

Ross: Gas? Wow! Intense.

Chandler: (To Monica) If this is the way all the Gellers flirt, we don't have a problem.

Ross: (to Caitlin) Hey uh, y'know that smell gas has?

Caitlin: (wanting more than anything to get the money and leave this horrible, horrible place) Yeah.

Ross: They put that in.

Caitlin: What?!

Ross: The gas is odorless, but they add the smell so you know when there's a leak.

Caitlin: (getting more desperate to leave) Well okay!

Ross: A lot of other gas smells…

Chandler: Oh the humanity.

Ross: Meth-methane smells…

Caitlin: Y'know what umm, actually I, I really, I should go.

Ross: Oh but I-I-I haven't paid you yet!

Caitlin: Y'know what? That's okay, you guys have ordered so many that this one is on me! (Runs for her life.)

(Ross closes the door slowly.)

Ross: (To All) Was I talking to her about gas?

Chandler: More so than anything else.

Phoebe: I-I-I found it interesting.

Rachel: I'm sorry.

Ross: Look, no-no, hey, hey, don't worry about it! In nine years, she and I will be right there. (Goes and sits on the couch dejectedly.)

Rachel: Okay, well, I'm gonna clear out some of these boxes. (She grabs a couple of the old pizza boxes and exits.)

Phoebe: (walking over to Ross) Ross?

Ross: Yeah?

Phoebe: What else do they add smell too?

[Scene: The street outside the building, Rachel is running to catch up with Caitlin.]
Rachel: Hey! Hey! (Stops Caitlin) Hi! Hey-hey-hey, I'm Rachel! From upstairs? The ones with all the pizza?
Caitlin: Oh, is there a problem?

Rachel: No. No. Every thing's--they're fine. Great pizza. But it's uh, actually umm my friend Ross. He uh, just gets really nervous when he's flirting.

Caitlin: Oh my God! That was flirting?!

Rachel: Yeah.

Caitlin: Wow!

Rachel: I know, I know, but uh just, I'm telling you, once, once you get past that part, that where it-it just feels like you wanna die, he's-he's really a good person.

Caitlin: The guy with the gas?!

Rachel: Yeah. I'm-I'm telling you he's really sweet and he's really funny and he's just ugh, got a good heart. And besides, I y'know, I think he really likes you.

Caitlin: Really?!

Rachel: Well y'know, we have 7 people and like 10 pizzas, what do you think?

Caitlin: I just, I thought Joey was there.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey's grandmother are still watching Law & Order.]
Rachel: (entering) Hey Ross? Umm, I just ran into Caitlin in the hallway and-and uh, you must be getting better at this flirting stuff than I thought.
Ross: What do you mean?

Rachel: Well, I don't get it, but she wanted me to give you her phone number. (Hands him the slip of paper with the phone number on it.)

Ross: And she just gave you this?

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: Rach, thanks but uh, I don't need you doing me any favors.

Rachel: I-I-I didn't! I didn't! She thought you were cute.

Ross: Well that I can believe.

Rachel: Yay!

Joey: (entering) Hey! Is the show still on?

Chandler: Almost over man.

Joey: (says hi to his grandma) Look! Oh! (Pointing out the window.) Is that the Pope?! (Chandler and his grandma turn to look and Joey slips a tape into the VCR.)

Chandler: Why am I looking?

Joey: Oh, here I am, here's my big scene!

(Joey has made a little home movie that's his big scene. He braces himself against the door to his apartment and while holding a plastic gun and wearing the same sweater says…)

Joey: (on the tape) All right back off! I gotta gun! I'm not afraid to use it!

Grandma Tribbiani: Oh Joey!

Joey: That's right!

Chandler: You couldn't have at least changed your shirt.

Joey: (on the tape) Now, I wanna a suitcase filled with 100,000 dollars. (The duck quacks, to the duck) Choo! Choo! Choo! (To the imaginary cops) Filled with $100,000 in small bills, and if I don't get it…(the duck quacks louder) Choo!! And if I don't get it, (pause, picks up the duck) I'm gonna shoot this duck!

Phoebe: Oh no!

Joey: (on the tape) I'm comin' out! (He opens the door and hops out pointing the gun in all directions and then runs out of view.)

Ross: (To Phoebe) And she's supposed to buy this?!

Grandma Tribbiani: Joey, bravo! (Starts with that Italian stuff again.)

(Suddenly, the tape cuts away from Joey's impromptu scene, to Chandler standing really, really close to the camera.)

Chandler: (singing) Ground control to Major Tom! Commencing countdown…engines…on!

(Joey and Chandler both run to shut off the tape.)

Joey: (to his grandmother) That's uh, scenes from next week's show. Next week's!

Phoebe: I am definitely gonna watch that!

Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, another time lapse, Monica is seeking advice from Rachel and Phoebe about possible replacement earrings.]
Monica: What about these? These look the same?
Phoebe: Definitely!

Monica: Not as each other!

Phoebe: Oh, then no.

(Goes over to Chandler.)

Chandler: (To Monica) Hey!

Monica: Hi!

Chandler: You ready?

Monica: Yeah.

Chandler: You look amazing. I'm the luckiest man in the world.

Monica: Ohh, you're about to get a little luckier.

Chandler: Let me see the earrings.

Monica: Oh, honey, the earrings…

Chandler: (looking at them) They look great! Does your boyfriend have the best taste or what?

Monica: My boyfriend really does have good taste!

(He turns to get his coat and Monica gives Rachel and Phoebe two thumbs up as Chandler walks over to Ross.)

Chandler: (To Ross) Thanks for picking out the earrings man.

Ross: Hm-mmm.

Joey: Okay, pick a card.

Chandler: Okay. (He picks the 9 of Spades)

Joey: All right now, memorize it. (Pause) You got it?

Chandler: Oh yes.

Joey: (holding up the Queen of Clubs) Is that your card? (He winks and smiles.)

Chandler: (pause) Yes.

(Joey laughs then realizes the trick didn't work when Chandler hands him his card back.)

Carol: (entering with Ben and Ross) Hey guys!

Ross: Hi!

Chandler: Hi there!

Ben: Hi!!

Carol: Guess what? Ben is going to be in a TV commercial!

Phoebe: What are you talking about?!

Ross: (sets Ben down) Well, it's not for sure but umm, we met this guy in the park who thought Ben was really cute--y'know, which he is--so umm anyhoo, he uh, he gave us his card and told us to bring him down for this commercial he's auditioning.

Joey: (reading the card) Whoa! This guy is like the biggest commercial casting director in town! (Ross gasps) Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition!! (Ross and Carol stare at him, then Joey realizes what he just said.) I mean, way to go Ben! (Gives Ben the thumbs up, which Ben returns.) Man! I've been in that park a million times and no one offered me an audition.

Ross: I know, it's crazy! We were just pushing Ben on the swings…

Joey: I'm always on the swings! What am I doing wrong?!

Chandler: That.

Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is eating breakfast, Ross is heading for the bathroom.]
Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, gotta go! Wish me luck!
Joey: Luck!

Chandler: Hey Rach, now that you're working at Ralph Lauren, can you bring me back some of those polo shirts?

Rachel: Uh well, y'know what? I don't think if I feel comfortable stealing on my very first day…

Chandler: Unwilling to steal from work, interesting.

Monica: Besides, if anybody's gonna get free stuff, it's gonna be me.

Rachel: Okay guys, way to wish me luck!

All: Good luck! Go get 'em! (Rachel exits.)

Phoebe: Okay, let's discuss Rachel's birthday. I say we throw a surprise party this weekend.

Joey: Whoa-whoa, but her birthday isn't like for another month.

Phoebe: Yeah but if we throw her a party on her birthday, then it's not a surprise.

Monica: I think it's a great idea. Yeah, we could have a dinner party and just invite her close friends.

Joey: Ross!! We're having a surprise party for Rachel!!

Ross: (from the bathroom) Okay!!

Joey: Done.

Phoebe: Okay, great so do you want to do it together?

Monica: I would love to do it together!

(Joey starts to giggle.)

Joey: They're gonna do it together.

Chandler: Dude! That's my girlfriend!

Joey: What, so I gotta shut it down now?

Ross: All right, I gotta take off. I'm picking up Ben then we're off to the big audition.

Monica: It's gonna be weird to watch some actor pretending to be Ben's dad.

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Weirder than watching his two moms make out? (Monica nods in agreement.)

Joey: Whoa-whoa dad? There's a dad in the commercial?

Ross: Yeah the dad and Ben eat soup and pretend to enjoy it.

Joey: Whoa, hey, maybe I'll go down there with ya and see if I can get an audition to play the dad. I mean who better to play Ben's father than his godfather.

Ross: You're not his godfather.

Joey: What?! Are you kidding?!

Ross: (Pause) Of course I am! (Joey is relieved) Okay, let's go godfather.

Joey: All right!

(As they walk out he motions to Chandler that he is still Ben's godfather.)

[Scene: Ben's audition, Carol, Ross, and Ben along with about 10 more families are in a waiting room as Joey enters happily.]
Joey: Hey! I'm in, they're gonna let me audition!
Ross: Really? That's great!

Joey: I know! I know! It turns out that one of the casting ladies has actually seen me in a play, so I steered clear of her…

Carol: (noticing a kid who has picked up a copy of Variety to read) Hey, that kid looks familiar.

Joey: Oh yeah, yeah! He's done tons of commercials. I've seen him in like Sugar Smacks, Playstation, and that one for the phone company. In fact he was so good in that one, he actually convinced me to switch phone companies. Chandler was mad….

Ross: Yeah well, he's not gonna get this one. Ben is way cuter than that kid. I mean look at him, look at you, (Starts to whine like a baby and Joey just glares at him.)

Joey: That's great. Listen, wouldn't it be great though if I got to play Ben's dad?

Ross: Joey, you look nothing like Ben.

Joey: I look more like him than you do! (He winks at Carol.)

Carol: Y'know, I don't really know you well enough for you to do that.

[Scene: Rachel's new job, she's in her new boss's office (Kim's) and with the other assistant (Nancy). Together they're deciding what clothes to buy or something, who knows, let's all watch/read to find out.]
Kim: So it's down to these two, Nancy I know you like this one and I think I agree. Rachel, what do you think?
Rachel: Well umm, that one is pretty but uh, I just, I just love this fabric (On the other one.) Sorry.

Kim: Oh don't be sorry, that's part of your job here to give your opinions and then I take credit for them--I'm kidding.

Nancy: She is kidding, but don't ever disagree with her again. Okay, now I'm kidding!

Rachel: (laughing nervously) Oh, what a fun office.

Kim: I don't know which one, but I do know I need a cigarette. So what do you say we take a break, we go outside, and we'll figure this out when we come back?

(They all get up to leave.)

Kim: (at the door) Rachel? Do you smoke?

Rachel: Oh no, my dad's a doctor and he would always tell me just horror stories…(stops and tries to change directions)…about ghosts and goblins who totally supported the princess's right to smoke.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is telling Chandler and Monica about her day.]
Rachel: …and then they came back from smoking and they had made all of the decisions without me!
Monica: That doesn't seem fair.

Rachel: I know! It's like I'm being punished for not having this disgusting, poisoning habit!

Chandler: Yeah, it is the best.

Rachel: I mean what if this keeps happening? Y'know, they'll-they'll be outside smoking, making all the decisions and I'll just be up in my office breathing my stupid clean air, y'know? And then when the day comes when Kim wants to promote one of us, who do you think she's gonna pick? Me or Smokey Smokerson?

Monica: Rachel, you can go down there, you don't have to smoke. Just say you wanna get some fresh air.

Rachel: Yeah, I can do that.

Chandler: Yeah, or you can do the easy thing and smoke.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey Rach, you wanna get some coffee?

Rachel: I would love to!

Phoebe: Oh good!

Chandler: Yeah, I wanna go to babe.

Phoebe: Oh good.

(They all start out.)

Phoebe: Oh wait, I change my mind! (She slams the door on them.) Okay, let's talk about the party! I have so many ideas! (Holds up a cocktail napkin.)

Monica: Yeah, me too! (Runs and grabs her 3-ring binder of ideas.)

Phoebe: Oh, look at that.

Monica: All right, that's a little sketch of the cake, umm some sample menus, umm y'know what I thought we would start out with Tuscan style finger food, and for music, here's an alphabetized list of all my CDs! I've highlighted the ones that would go really good with the food.

Phoebe: What happened to the intimate dinner party?

Monica: Oh, we're not doing that. Okay…

Phoebe: So wow, it looks like you took care of everything. Thanks a lot, co-host.

Monica: What?! I didn't take care of everything, there's-there's plenty of things for you to do!

Phoebe: Like what?

Monica: (Thinks) Cups.

Phoebe: Cups? You're giving me cups?

Monica: And ice!

Phoebe: Cups and ice? Ooh, I get to be in charge of cups and ice? (Thinks of something) All right. Fine, okay, I will be in charge of cups and ice!

Monica: Wait a minute, I can get ice at the restaurant…

Phoebe: I got it! Mine!

Ross: (entering, downtrodden) Hi.

Monica: Hey! How'd the audition go?!

Ross: Not so good.

Monica: Wait a minute, are you doing Joey's (sadly) "Audition didn't go so well. (Happily) Yeah it did?"

Ross: (Pause) Yeah I am! Yeah, Ben got a second audition!

Joey: (also downtrodden) Yeah, I had to teach Ross my bit because I actually didn't get a callback.

Monica: You got a callback too didn't you?

Joey: (Happily) Yeah I did!

[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Rachel is out to join Kim and Nancy.]
Kim: Hey Rachel, what are you doing out here?
Rachel: Oh well, it's kinda lonely up there, so I just thought I would come out here and get some fresh air.

Kim: Nancy and I were talking about the fall collection.

Rachel: Oh great!

Kim: So anyway we really… (Someone exhales and Rachel turns and coughs.) Honey, we're just smoking all over you.

Nancy: Oh, sorry!

Rachel: Oh that's okay.

Kim: No-no-no, we'll move you just stay right there. (They walk away.)

Nancy: So anyway I sent the designs over to Ralph and he's very excited about the line.

Kim: Oh that's great! You are the best!

(Rachel gets fed up and heads over to another smoker.)

Rachel: Excuse me, can I, can I bum one of those? (He holds up his pack.) Y'know what, actually… (She takes the one he's smoking and heads over to where Nancy and Kim are standing and laughing.) Okay, okay, okay, what's so funny over here?

Nancy: I thought you didn't smoke.

Rachel: Oh, I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes, y'know? Y'know what I mean, like dubbies? And I actually, I thought to myself, "Wow, those guys are crazy!" But no, I actually smoke the regular ones all, all the time.

Kim: We get high.

Rachel: Oh, me too.

Kim: I'm kidding.

Rachel: (Laughs) Oh, me too.

[Scene: Ben and Joey's (Isn't that an ice cream??) callback.]
Ross: Oh God, this is so nerve wracking! How-how do you do this?
Joey: Well, unfortunately, I don't get many callbacks so…

Carol: Is it a good sign that they asked us to hang around after the audition?

Joey: Who knows?

The Casting Director: (entering) Okay uh, we have narrowed it down to Raymond, Ben, Kyle, and Joey. The rest of you, thank you very much.

Ross: Yes!! I knew it!! (To the people who didn't make it.) Bye-bye! So long! Later!

Joey: Oh this is great! I might actually get to play Ben's dad!

Ross: Yeah!

The Casting Director: Actually, that can't happen. Yeah because you all have such different looks, we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben. So it'll be either you two (Points to Joey and Raymond) or you two. (Points to Kyle and Ben.) (Exits.)

Joey: Man, this is gonna be kinda weird.

Ross: Yeah, it is.

Kyle: Yeah. It's gonna be weird.

Ross: No, we-we're gonna be like best friends, that's why it's gonna be weird.

Kyle: Oh, oh, I thought we were just talking.

Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are talking.]
Phoebe: (entering, carrying two garbage bags) Hey!
Ross and Chandler: Hi!

Phoebe: Is it okay if I leave this stuff here 'til Rachel's birthday party?

Chandler: Ah sure. What's in 'em?

Phoebe: Umm, cups.

Chandler: Oh good, because uh we got Rachel 800 gallons of water.

Ross: Seriously that's a lot of cups.

Phoebe: Yeah well, that's 'cause Monica put me in charge of cups and ice, and Monica is gonna rue the day that she put me in charge of cups and ice.

Chandler: Y'know I rued the day once…didn't get a whole lot else done.

Phoebe: Okay, time to bring up the rest of the cups. (She goes and opens the door to Joey.) Oh, hi Joey!

Joey: Hey Pheebs! (To the guys) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Ross good, I'm uh glad you're here. I wanna talk to you about something.

Ross: What's up?

Joey: Well, I've been thinking about this whole commercial thing, y'know me going up against Ben, the two of us competing, and that can't lead to anything good. So, I think I'm just gonna step aside. I'm gonna tell them that I won't audition.

Ross: Wow, uh, Joey that's-that's great. Thanks man.

Joey: That's it? You're-you're gonna let me do this?! This-this is my career we're talking about here!

Ross: Well, you just…

Joey: I just said that so you wouldn't let Ben do it! Look Ross, if anyone should step aside it should be Ben!

Ross: What?!

Joey: What? Chandler! Tell 'em!

Chandler: (shocked) Well I mean, let me get the door first. (Goes and opens the door.) Oh, hi! No one. (Exits.)

Ross: Why should Ben step aside? It was his audition in the first place! You-you just tagged along! You're like the uh, tag-a-long dad.

Joey: At least I care about his feelings!

Ross: What?!

Joey: Do you know how hard this is gonna be on him when he doesn’t get it?

Ross: And why wouldn't he get it?

Joey: Oh, come on! Have you seen what my kid can do?! Huh?! I mean he dials phones! He-he-he eats tortilla chips! He-he plays soccer with the cartoon tiger!

Ross: Are you saying your kid eats soup better than my kid?

Joey: You just give him a spoon baby!

Ross: Oh yeah? I guess we'll just see!

Joey: Yeah! Because this commercial belongs to me and Mitch!

Ross: You're kid's name is Raymond!

Joey: Yeah?! So's yours!

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there as Rachel enters.]
Monica: (To Rachel) How did work go?
Rachel: Oh it was great! It was great! I went down there just like you said, y'know? And we talked business. Kim totally took my opinions.

Monica: You stink!

Rachel: Thanks!

Monica: No, I'm-I'm serious!

Rachel: Well-well that's 'cause I went down there and they were all smoking. This is actually the smell of success.

Chandler: Okay, there's something different though--Oh my God! You smoked!

Rachel: I did not!

Chandler: Yes you did! You look happy and sick; you smoked!

Rachel: All right, fine! But I had too! I had to do it for my career!

Chandler: I wish I had smoked for my career…

Monica: That's so gross!

Rachel: No well, no it's not that bad, y'know? I mean yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and these fingers sort of smell, I actually feel like I can throw up.

Chandler: Okay, but you gotta push past this because it is about to get so good!

Monica: Chandler! I have to tell you, you smell so smokey I have to get up. I'm not kidding. (She's not; she stands and walks away. Chandler moves closer.)

Chandler: I think you smell great! (He sniffs her shoulder.)

[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Rachel, Kim, and Nancy are all puffing away on their cancer sticks.]
Kim: So, we're decided, no on plaid, yes on pink?
Nancy: Absolutely!

Rachel: I am so on board! (She throws away her recently lit cigarette.)

Kim: Rachel didn't you just light that?

Rachel: Yeah, I did, but y'know what? I am really, really trying to cut back, y'know? (Laughs) Good luck, Rach.

Nancy: I've actually been thinking about quitting lately.

Kim: Oh sure, every Sunday night I'm telling myself I'm quitting but every Monday morning it's like (Mimics chain smoking.)

Nancy: Tell me about it!

Rachel: Well then let's just quit! We'll just quit! Let's all quit!

Kim: It does sound appealing.

Nancy: Oh, I never could do it.

Rachel: Oh but you could. You can. Absolutely! We can help each other out! We can get--what are those--those patches! We could be like the Patch Sisters!

Kim: Oh y'know, we really should quit. Okay, let's quit!

Rachel: Yes! Great! Give me those cigs! Give it! Give it! (She grabs their cigarettes and lighters and throws them in the trash.)

Kim: My late husband gave me that lighter. (Rachel laughs.) I'm not kidding.

Rachel: Okay then! (She starts rummaging through the trash to find Kim's lighter.)

[Scene: Joey and Ben's audition, Joey is rehearsing his lines, uh correction, Joey is rehearsing his line.]
Joey: Hmmm, soup! (Tries again.) Hmm soup! (Tries again, with a little caveman thrown in.) Hmm, soup!
Carol: Joey, Ross is gonna be here any second, would you mind watching Ben for me while I use the ladies' room?

Joey: Oh yeah, no problem.

Carol: Thanks. (Exits.)

Joey: (goes over to Ben) Hi Ben! So you wanna be an actor huh? I gotta tell ya, it's no picnic. There's tons of rejection. No stability. One day you're Dr. Drake Remoray, the next day you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle.

Ross: (entering, angrily) Joey!

Joey: (angrily) Ross!

Ross: (angrily) Ben! (Pause.) (Happily.) I mean, Ben! Ben!

The Casting Director: (entering) Okay, Raymond, Joey you're up.

(Raymond and Joey go in the office.)

Joey: Hi!

The Casting Director: Okay, uh well, let's try one. Whenever you guys are ready. (Some dude puts down a couple bowls of soup in front of them.)

Joey: Uh-oh.

The Casting Director: Is there a problem?

Joey: Well this is noodle soup and uh, I've been working with tomato. But that's okay, no problem. No problem. Hmm, noodle soup.

The Casting Director: Y'know, that's-that's fine, but the line is, "Hmm, soup."

Joey: Oh, what did I say?

The Casting Director: Hmm, noodle soup.

Joey: How's that different? (She looks at him until he gets it.) Oh! Yeah!

The Casting Director: All right, let's try one.

(Raymond and Joey both eat a spoonful and Joey turns to Raymond and says…)

Joey: Hmm, noodle soup.

The Casting Director: Okay. Let's do it again.

Joey: Okay.

(They do it again.)

Joey: Hmm, soup. (Pause.) I mean, noodle soup. I mean soup!

Raymond: COME ON!!!!

The Casting Director: Y'know what? We need to move on.

Joey: No! No! I-I can do it one more time! See? Look! (Eats another spoonful) Hmm, noodle soup. Damnit! (Storms out.)

[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Kim and Nancy are cheating and are caught by Rachel.]
Rachel: Hey! Hey-hey-hey!!
Kim: Uh-oh, busted!

Rachel: Come on you guys! What are doing?! I thought we were the patch sisters!

Kim: Yeah. That didn't work out.

Nancy: Rachel we tried to quit, but it was too hard!

Rachel: Well y'know if you, if you started smoking again you could've at least told me! Come on, give me one of those! What are we talking about?

Kim: No. No! You're doing great! Don’t you give up! That's why we didn't tell you and we're not gonna drag you down with us.

Rachel: Oh wait, no-no-no! Drag me down. Drag-drag me down.

Kim: Forget it Rachel! We're both so proud of how well you're doing. I'm not gonna let you blow it. In fact, if I catch you with a cigarette, you're fired. So go on, get out of here! Go on, I don't want you breathing this stuff! Go on!

Rachel: Okay. (Starts to walk away.)

Kim: (to Nancy) So, okay! So you'll come with me on the Paris trip.

Rachel: (hearing that) Oh man!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel's surprise party. The apartment is festooned with cups. There are cups everywhere! Cup centerpiece, cup garland, etc., etc]
Phoebe: (To Chandler) Check it out! Cup hat! (Points to her hat.) Cup banner! Cup chandelier! And the thing that started it all, the cup! (Holds up one.)
Chandler: Great job with the cups, Pheebs!

Monica: (overhearing that) Why don't you just go out with her!

(Chandler starts to follow her into the kitchen.)

Phoebe: (following him) And did you notice the ice? (Gestures to 3 huge buckets of ice on the table.) Look! We have it all! We have crushed! Cubed! And dry! Watch! (Pours some water onto the dry ice, causing it to evaporate/smoke.) Ahhh! Mystical!

Chandler: Awesome!

Monica: Chandler! Everyone--no one's eating my Tuscan finger food 'cause they're all filling up on Phoebe's snow cones!

Chandler: There are snow cones! (Monica glares at him.) Snow cones! Yuck!

Monica: Y'know…go! Go! Right there! (Points)

Chandler: Thank you! Thank you! (Runs to the snow cone machine.)

(Rachel enters.)

Phoebe: (noticing her) Oh, look! Look! Look!

All: Surprise!!

Rachel: What?! What?! My birthday's not for another month!

Monica: That's the surprise!

Rachel: Oh my God! You guys this is so great! I mean it's so unexpected! I mean Chandler's birthday is even before mine!

(Everyone stops and looks at Chandler, who's nodding.)

All: Surprise!

Rachel: Wow! This is great! Look at all these cups! This is so weird.

Phoebe: I was in charge of cups.

Rachel: Oh, okay, not so weird.

[Cut to another part of the room, Ross is going to talk to Joey.]

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Hey.

Ross: Listen man, uh, I'm sorry the audition didn't go so well.

Joey: Yeah right! (Gets up for a refill to his snow cone.)

Ross: No really, I-I am! I feel bad!

Joey: Yeah? Well look Ross, you don't have to. Okay? It's not your fault I suck. I mean what kind of an actor can't even say, "Hmm, noodle soup." (Nods his head in disgust.)

Ross: Yeah y'know what? Maybe-maybe you didn't mess up your audition because you suck, maybe you messed up because you care more about uh, your godson.

Joey: What you do mean?

Ross: I think, sub-consciously…

Joey: Wait-whoa-whoa, you lost me.

Ross: (pause) I think on some level, you-you sabotaged your own audition so that Ben would get the part.

Joey: Well, you're way sounds a lot better than mine. (Thinks about it.) Yeah. Yeah! It's not that I'm a bad actor…

Ross: No!

Joey: No, it's just ah, I care so damn much about little Ben that uh, it was more important to see him succeed.

Ross: There you go. Thank you!

Joey: Thank you! So, did-did he get it?

Ross: No.

Joey: Eh, what are you gonna do?

Ending Credits
[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Kim and Nancy are out smoking as Chandler sticks his head out the door.]
Chandler: (to Kim and Nancy) Oh, hi! Excuse me, is uh Rachel Green here? I was supposed to meet her for lunch.
Kim: Oh, she doesn't come down here any more. You can find her up on ten.

Chandler: Okay, great.

(Kim exhales and Chandler stares at it longingly.)

Kim: (to Nancy) So we talked about the (Chandler sneaks closer to her cigarette) whole presentation yesterday at lunch (Closer) and he wondered if one person would be enough (Closer) to get a take on the trip (Still closer) and I said, "Yeah, absolutely!" (She's interrupted by Chandler who has reached his goal and takes a drag from her cancer stick.)

Chandler: I'll catch you guys later. (Exits.)

Rachel: Good, you guys are all here!

Ross: Hey! What's up?

Rachel: Well, I have a job interview at Ralph Lauren tomorrow!

All: Congratulations! Ohh, that's great!

Rachel: I know!

Joey: Boy, that guy's underwear sucks!

Rachel: Wh-what?!

Joey: I got this pair marked excess, I gotta tell ya, there was no room for excess anything in there.

Rachel: Anyway, I'm going to be the coordinator of the woman's collection, I'll work right under the director, it's the perfect, perfect job for me!

Phoebe: Wow! Well, if you nail the interview, you'll get it!

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: You wanna work on your interview skills?

Rachel: O-okay!

Phoebe: Okay! All right, let's start with the handshake. Hi.

Rachel: Hi.

(They shake hands.)

Phoebe: Very good handshake, good wrist action.

Monica: Let me try. (Gets up to join them.)

Phoebe: Okay. (They shake hands and she pulls away suddenly) Oh my God! What did I ever do to you?! (Rubbing her hand.)

Monica: Did I squeeze it too hard?

Phoebe: Let's just say, I'm glad I'm not Chandler.

(Chandler tries to comprehend that remark.)

Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the window waving at Ross.]
Joey: That's right Ross, I can see you in your new apartment! And you can see me! Same as yesterday, (To Monica) same as the day before.
Monica: Is he doing his shark attack bit yet?

Joey: Nope. Op, wait! There he goes.

(We see Ross through the window and he acts like a swimmer that gets attacked by a shark, picture one of the many, many, many Jaws movies they made and you get the idea.)

Joey: (waving) Very funny Ross! Very life-like and funny. Okay. (Notices that a woman is waving back.) Oh no-no-no, I wasn't waving at you lady. (She just stares at him.) (Joey sees how beautiful she is.) Whoa, maybe I was! Hey, Monica, this totally hot girl in Ross's building is flirting with me.

Monica: Get in there man! Flirt back, mix it up!

Joey: Yeah, I-I-I'm down with that. (He turns back to the woman.) Okay, here goes. (Thinks.) How (Holds up his hand like an Indian) you (Points at her) a-doin'? (Does a little twisting motion with both hands and ends up pointing at her, he then winks. She smiles and waves again.) (To Monica) It worked! She's waving me over. (Towards the woman.) Okay, I-I-I'll be right over. Let's see, she's on the third floor…

Monica: (joining him) Wow! She is pretty, huh?

Joey: Tell me about it, huh? (Realizes that she can see Monica.) Oh no-no-no, I'm not with her, she's just Monica! (He pantomimes that out.) Ewwuck! (He pushes Monica away and makes a disgusted face.)

[Scene: Ross's Building, Joey is trying to find the hot girl's apartment. So he's walking up the hallway counting doors. He comes to what he thinks is the right one and knocks on it. Ross opens the door, it's his apartment.]
Ross: Hey Joey! Great stuff huh?
Joey: This is your place?

Ross: Of course it is. Yeah, come on in. Ooh-ooh, go by the window you can pretend to be surfing. (He pretends he's surfing by the window.)

Joey: But I counted, you're not supposed to live here! Oh man! (Runs away.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering again.]
Joey: Ugh!!
Monica: What happened?

Joey: I ended up at Ross's place. Oh, I musta missed counted or something. (Looks out the window.) Damn! She's not there anymore. Oh, l-l-look, Ross is doing his 'Watching TV' bit. (We see Ross sitting on the couch and flipping through the channels on his remote.)

Monica: No Joey, I think he's just watchin' TV.

(It's only when the camera cuts to Ross's apartment that we see that the TV is turned off and Ross is indeed doing a bit. He then tries to hide his smirk.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day, Gary is kissing Phoebe good-bye.]
Gary's Radio: We've lost visual contact with the suspect.
Gary: Okay, now I've really have to go!

Phoebe: But it's just so unfair that our date has to get cut short just 'cause some guy shot at a store clerk.

Gary: I know, but it's my job, sweethart!

Phoebe: Okay, then maybe I can come too!

Gary's Radio: Suspect has just emerged naked from the sewer.

Phoebe: All right, you go. (They kiss.)

Gary: Bye-bye.

Phoebe: 'Kay, bye!

(Gary closes the door behind him.)

Phoebe: Oh God!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Oh I just miss him so much!

Monica: Wow! For just a week you guys are really close, huh?

Phoebe: Yeah, it's weird. I can't help it though he's so sweet, he's like this little puppy dog, y'know? But like a really tough one that shots bad guys. Ohh, I just love beginning parts of relationships, y'know?! You just like can't keep your hands off each other.

Monica: I know it is the best.

Phoebe: So-so how long did that last for you and Chandler?

Monica: What? It's still going on.

Phoebe: Come on, seriously! When did it end?

Monica: I-I am serious, I mean, we're, we're all over each other all the time.

Phoebe: Okay, you know where you are better than I do. I was just curious.

Monica: (Start annoying hyper-competitive mode now.) (Jumping up) What don't you just calm down Phoebe! All right?! Why don’t you just get all your facts before you run around telling everybody that you're the only hot couple!!

Phoebe: (Under her breath) God, I woke the beast. Sorry. (To Monica) I was wrong obviously, I just—I misspoke. It's okay.

Monica: Oh no, it is okay, I mean as long as you know that Chandler and I are also very hot and fiery, just as hot as you! I mean our flame, whew, is on fire!

Chandler: (entering) Hey Monica, here's your broom back.

Monica: You are so cute. (She goes over and kisses him passionately.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler and Joey are there as Rachel returns from her interview.]
Chandler: Oh hey, how'd the interview go?
Rachel: Ugh, horrible! I did the stupidest, most embarrassing thing!

Joey: Did you tell the guy you wanted to have sex with his wife and then fall right out of your chair?

Rachel: No!

Chandler: So what happened?

Rachel: Ugh, it was horrible! And-and the interview part went so well, y'know? I even made him laugh. He said something about a boat and I was like, "Well, yeah! If you've got enough life jackets!" (She starts laughing; Chandler and Joey are not amused.) Trust me, it was actually, it was very funny. Anyway, so we were saying good-bye and ugh!

Joey: What happened?

Rachel: (We see a flashback as Rachel describes what happened.) All right, we were shaking hands and he kinda leaned toward me… Y'know maybe he was going to open the door, but I totally miss read him and I uhhh… (The flashback shows that she kissed him on the cheek.)

Joey: You kissed him?!

Rachel: Well, I didn't know what else to do!

Chandler: Well you coulda tried, not kissing him.

Rachel: Thanks Chandler.

Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Rach, a guy from Ralph Lauren called, you got a second interview!

Rachel: I can't believe it! I got a second interview!

Monica: Yes!

Joey: I bet that kiss isn't looking like such a big mistake now, is it?

Rachel: What-what, wait a minute, you don't think that's why he wants me back?

Joey: Yeah! (Chandler makes a noise) No?

Monica: A kiss? What are you talking about?

Rachel: I accidentally kissed him in the interview, and now he wants me back y'know of course, 'cause "Let's bring the girl back who kisses everybody!"

Chandler: Come on, Rach.

Rachel: Oh my God! What if he thinks I'm the kind of girl that-that would just sleep with him?

Monica: He probably wants you back because you're right for the job.

Rachel: Maybe. I-I don't know—Oh God, how could I be so stupid?!

Joey: Oh Rachel look, don't say that, I think you just need a hug from Joey. Come on. Come on. (She hugs him and Joey looks out the window.) She's back! Hot girl's back!

Rachel: Ohh, well I'm not totally back yet, but thank you.

Joey: No, in Ross's building! (He throws Rachel onto the chair and heads to the window.) She's back! She's back! (Pantomimes) Okay, wait there, I'll be over in a second. (He counts where she is again.) Got it! (Runs out and does a little hot over a chair.)

Chandler: I gotta check out this hot girl! (He heads to the window but realizes something, stops, turns and points at Monica.) There she is! (He dances over to her and kisses her.)

[Scene: Ross's building, Joey is knocking on a door again. It's again answered by Ross.]
Joey: Damnit!! Did you move?!
Ross: Yes. I lived with you guys for a while and then I found this place. (Joey just stares at him) I'm Ross.

(Joey makes a frustrated face and noise and walks away. He knocks on the next door and it's answered by an old man.)

The Old Man: Yes?

Joey: (Looking around) Uhh do you happen to have a hot girl in there?

The Old Man: No. I'm all alone.

Joey: Yeah. Sorry about that. (He walks away and knocks on the next door which is answered by a little girl.) Oh, hey little girl. Uhh, is-is your mommy, or sister, or babysitter by any chance a hot girl?

The Little Girl: Daddy!!

Joey: Later! (He runs away down the hall and hides behind a corner to a whole other corridor.) Oh man! (Walks down the hallway in desperation.) Hot girl! Hot girl!!

[Scene: Rachel's job interview, she is waiting outside Mr. Zelner's (the interviewer) office banging her pen between her teeth.]
Mr. Zelner: Hi Rachel!
Rachel: Hi!

Mr. Zelner: Come on in.

(They go inside.)

Mr. Zelner: It's really nice to see you again.

Rachel: Thank you.

Mr. Zelner: (Sees that she has some ink on her lip from her pen.) Oh Rachel, uhh… (He points to his lip to get her to notice the ink on hers.)

Rachel: What?

Mr. Zelner: Just ah… (He points again.)

Rachel: Excuse me?

Mr. Zelner: Here let me… (He goes to wipe it off himself.)

Rachel: (stopping him) Wh-whoa! All right, okay-okay, I see, I see what's going on here! Now listen, look-look, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I am not some hussy who will just sleep around to get ahead! Now even though I (He tries to interrupt and tell her about the ink), hey-hey-hey, even though I kissed you, that does not give you the right to demand sex from me. I do not want, this job that bad. Good day, sir. (She storms out of his office.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning from her interview attempt.]
Rachel: (entering) Ugh, you will not believe what that sleaze-ball from Ralph Lauren did too me!
(Joey, Monica, and Ross all point to their lips to get Rachel to once again notice the ink on her lip.)

Rachel: Okay-okay that-that's amazing. How did you know that?

Ross: You got ink on your lip.

Rachel: Oh. (Realizes.) Ohhhhhhhhh….

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Gary and Chandler and Monica are all there.]
Chandler: (To Gary) So what do you say, maybe sometime I hold your gun?
Gary: I don't know man, we're really not supposed to do that.

Chandler: Oh, what can happen? I mean, would you… (He gestures and spills some of his coffee.)

Gary: Yeah, I'm gonna say no.

Monica: Phoebe, do you want to go see a movie after dinner tonight?

Phoebe: Oh we can't, we already have plans.

Monica: What are you doing?

Phoebe: Well, same thing we did all day, hang out at Gary's apartment. He is so amazing, we never left the bedroom. But have fun at the movie.

Monica: (That annoying competitiveness thing kicks in again, what the heck is that with her and why must the writers show it every flippin' episode?!) Oh, we're not seeing a movie!

Phoebe: You're not? Then why did you ask us if we wanted to go?

Monica: Oh umm, that's because I just wanted to y'know walk in on me and Chandler while we were, y'know, doing it all night. Will you excuse me for just a second?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Monica: Okay. (She gets up and walks over to Chandler.) Chandler? Can I see you for a second?

Chandler: Uh, yeah.

Monica: Okay. (They walk away to get some privacy.) We have got to beat them! {Here we go yet again.}

Chandler: Why?

Monica: 'Cause, Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are!

Chandler: Ohh, so?

Monica: So! So we've got to go upstairs and have a lot of sex to prove them wrong!

Chandler: Monica, you have got to stop this competitive thing! Okay? It's crazy. {Finally! The voice of reason.} I mean, just impress Gary and Phoebe we have to go upstairs and have sex over and over and I'm saying no to this, why? Get your coat.

Commercial Break
[Scene: The lobby in Ross's building, we see a flyer that is on the bulletin board that reads, "Are you the Hot Girl who waved at me? If so, give me a call!" and it's signed, Joey 629-9*** (The last couple of numbers have been ripped off). Anyhoo, Ross is getting his mail.]
Ross: (to the woman checking her mail next to him) Hey!
(A man walks up.)

The Man: (To Ross) Excuse me. (He puts up a flyer that has a sketch drawing of Joey and it reads, "Warning! Intruder! If you see this creep - call the cops!") You should check this out, tell the other tenants. Apparently he's running around looking for some kind of a hot girl.

Ross: (to the woman checking her mail) Who isn't?

(For the first time we see that the woman Ross is talking too is in fact the hot girl that Joey is looking for. She just kinda stares at him.)

Ross: I don't, I don't think we've meet. I-I'm Ross.

The Hot Girl: I know. You're the guy who wouldn't chip in for the handyman.

Ross: Nevermind! (Goes back to his mailbox.)

The Hot Girl: No, I-I actually thought it was unfair the way everyone reacted. I mean you had just moved in.

Ross: I had just moved in. Thank you! Listen umm…

The Hot Girl: Jen.

Ross: Jen, I know this may sound a little…(makes some kind of crazy noise) But uh, would you maybe wanna grab a cup of coffee sometime, or…

Jen: Sure! That would be nice.

Ross: Umm?

Jen: Oh! My number is on there. (Hands him a business card.) Give me a call.

Ross: I will give you a call.

Jen: I'll see you later. (Starts to walk away.)

Ross: Okay!

(After she's left, Ross gets really happy and starts kissing the card. Suddenly, she returns.)

Jen: I forgot my paper. (Ross quickly hides the card in his mouth.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, a post-coital Monica and Chandler are recovering on the couch.]
Chandler: That was amazing!
Monica: Phoebe and Gary are so gonna hear about this at dinner.

Chandler: That was amazing.

Monica: We are the hottest! Huh? No one is hotter than we are! You're the best.

Chandler: No, you're the best.

Monica: No, you're the best.

Chandler: No, you're the best.

Monica: I am the best.

(Just as they start to get up, Joey walks in.)

Joey: (entering) Hey guys! (Sees their state of undress) What 'cha been doin'? (Has a silly grin.)

Monica: (looking out the window) Hey Joey! Isn't that the girl that waved at you the other day?

Joey: I don't know. But I can see through your sheet. (He looks out the window.) Yeah, yeah, that's her. But y'know what? Doesn't matter, I'm never gonna get to meet her anyway.

Monica: Why?

Joey: Because it's impossible to find her apartment! She lives in some like of hot girl parallel universe, or something.

Monica: What are you talking about? (Pointing out the window.) She obviously lives on the second floor, seventh apartment from the left!

Joey: No. No. No. She lives on the third floor, eighth apartment from the left.

Monica: No, those first two windows, (Points) that's the lobby. And y'know the other one over there, that's the stairway. You've been counting wrong.

Joey: I did not know that! Thank you Monica. (Starts to leave) I can't believe I almost lost another girl because of counting.

[Scene: Jen's apartment, Ross is picking her up for their date.]
Ross: So uhh, you ready?
Jen: Sure, I'll just get my coat. (There's a knock on the door.) Could you get that?

Ross: Sure. (He opens the door to Joey. Needless to say, Joey's stunned.) Joey…

Joey: Dahhhhh!! (Ross has a puzzled look on his face.) No! Noooo!! (Storms off.)

[Scene: Mr. Zelner's office, Rachel has come back again to try and do that second interview.]
Rachel: Ah, first, I-I would like to say thank you for agreeing to see me again.
Mr. Zelner: That's quite all right, but I feel obligated to tell you that this meeting is being videotaped.

Rachel: (looks around for the camera) Okay. Umm, well, first I would like to start by apologizing for kissing you and uh, for yelling at you.

Mr. Zelner: Fair enough.

Rachel: Now you're probably going to hire one of the people who did not ah, (She puts her hands on his desk blotter and he moves it. Rachel then doesn't know where to put her hands.) who did, who did not umm, yell at you and storm out, and I think that's a big mistake and here's why. I made a huge fool of myself and I came back, that shows courage. When I thought you wanted sex in exchange for this job, I said no. That shows integrity. And, I was not afraid to stand up for myself and that shows courage. (Suddenly realizes that she said courage twice.) Okay umm, now I know I already said courage, but y'know you gotta have courage. And umm, and finally when I thought you were making sexual advances in the workplace, I said no and I was not litigious. {By the way, litigious means to want to litigate and litigate is to make a lawsuit against. So she didn't want to sue him. Don't worry, I had to look it up too.} So there you go, you got, you got (counts them off with her fingers) courage, you got integrity, you got (Pause) courage again, and not litigious. Look Mr…

Mr. Zelner: Zelner.

Rachel: Zelner! Right! I knew that! I really, really want this job and I think, I think I would be really good at it.

Mr. Zelner: Y'know what? I may regret this but uh, I'm going to give you a shot.

Rachel: (gasps) Oh! You are?

Mr. Zelner: Um-hmm.

Rachel: Really? Oh thank you! Oh… Oh, would it be completely inappropriate to give you a hug?

Mr. Zelner: Yes!

Rachel: Okay, well then how about a handshake? (She goes to shake his hand but misses and touches his groin.) Oh God I'm sorry! Oh God, I'm sorry! I did not mean to touch that—I mean you there. There. Uhh, okay, so thank-thank you, I'm going to leave now thank you very much uh-huh, thank you so—Hey! I'll see you Monday! (Exits.)

[Scene: A restaurant, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Gary are on a double date. Chandler is yawning.]
Phoebe: You tired Chandler?
Monica: You better believe he's tired, after the day we had! If you know what I mean. You know what I mean?

Chandler: Honey, the tortilla chips know what you mean.

Gary: So uh Chandler, you like that badge I got you?

Chandler: Oh yeah, it's so cool. (He opens his coat and has it pinned to the lining.) Now I gotta go, Officer Bing has gotta, 10-100. (Pause, softly) That's pee-pee. (Heads for the bathroom.)

Monica: Phoebe, you have a, a twig in your hair.

Phoebe: Ohh, (laughs) umm, we kinda took a little detour on the way over here.

Gary: Yeah, we took a little stroll in the park and no one was around, so…

Monica: You didn't!

Phoebe: We did! We violated Section 12 Paragraph 7 of the criminal code!

Monica: The park huh? A public place.

Gary: Uh-huh.

Monica: I hear ya. Excuse me for just a second! (Gets up and heads for the bathroom as that annoying Gotta-win-at-all-costs-super-competitive thing kicks in again.)

[Cut to the Men's room. Chandler is practicing flashing his badge as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hi Chandler.

Chandler: Monica! This is the Men's room! (Pause) Isn't it?

Monica: Yes it is. You see I've always found the men's bathroom very sexual. Haven't you?

Chandler: No. And if I did, I don't think we'd be going out. Monica, this is getting ridiculous!

Monica: Come on, we can't let them win!

Chandler: Ugh, we have already proved that we are hot! Okay? So why-why are you getting so obsessed about this thing?!

Monica: Because Phoebe and Gary are in that-can't-keep-their-hands-off-each-other-doing-it-in-the-park phase!

Chandler: (gasps) So?

Monica: I feel really sad that we're not…really there anymore.

Chandler: Oh wow! Is that what this all have been about?

Monica: Wasn't it a lot more exciting when we were y'know all over each other all the time?

Chandler: Yeah that was great. That was really great! But to tell you the truth, I'm more excited about where we are right now.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Yeah! I've never been in a relationship that's lasted this long before. Y'know to get past the beginning and still be around each other all the time, I think that's pretty incredible. And the fact that this is happening all with you, yeah I think that's pretty exciting. (Kisses her.)

Monica: That is so sweet. I know that I was acting a little crazy but umm, I feel the same way.

Chandler: Yeah?

Monica: Yeah. (They hug.)

Chandler: Y'know what I just realized? You just freaked out about our relationship.

Monica: Did not.

Chandler: Yes you did! Admit it! You freaked out!

Monica: Okay, I freaked out a little.

Chandler: Little?! You freaked out big time! Okay? And I fixed it! We have switched places! I am the relationship and king and you are the crazy, irrational screw up! (Does a dance of joy.) (Monica glares at him.) And now we're back.

Ending Credits
[Scene: Looking through Ross's window, he's doing more pantomimes. The first one is he's walking a dog that has stopped, then suddenly tugs him forward.]
[Cut to the inside of Monica and Rachel's apartment, Monica and Rachel are sitting at the table.]
Rachel: (laughs) I cannot believe Ross is buying this!

Monica: Thank God! I can't watch him anymore!

Chandler: (entering) You guys ready fore the movies?

Rachel: Yeah! Oh by the way, thank you for loaning us Pamela and Yasmine.

(We see through the big window from the outside and see that Monica and Rachel have pictures of their faces pasted onto cardboard cutouts of Pamela Anderson and Yasmine Bleeth wearing their Baywatch swimsuits.)

Ross: (from his apartment) Man! They cannot get enough! (Makes like he's a robot and waves at the cutouts.)

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Joey: What are you guys doing up?

Chandler: Oh, we wanted to finish the crossword before we went to bed. Hey, do you know a six-letter word for red?

Joey: (thinks) Dark red.

Chandler: Yeah, I think that's wrong, but there's a Connect the Dots in here for you later. (To Monica) Hey, how about maroon?

Monica: (checks to see if it works) Yes, you are so smart! (Kisses him.)

Joey: Aww, you guys are so cute!

Monica: I know.

Joey: All right, I'll see you in the morning.

Chandler and Monica: Okay.

[Scene: Joey's bedroom, time lapse. He's asleep and dreaming. In his dream he's doing the crossword puzzle with…wait for it…Monica!]
Dream Monica: Y'know, I love doing crossword puzzles with you honey!

Dream Joey: Aww, me too. Now let's finish this and go to bed.

Dream Monica: Okay! There's only one left, three letter word, not dog but…

Dream Joey: Cat.

Dream Monica: Yes! You are so smart! (Kisses him.) I love you.

Dream Joey: I love you too.

(They hug.)

[Cut back to Joey in bed, he's smiling, enjoying the dream as he wakes up. Suddenly, he realized what he was dreaming about and bolts upright in bed.]

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Ross and Joey. Gunther hands them the bill, and Chandler gives some money to pay it.]
Rachel: (looking at the bill) Uhh, we still need a tip.
Phoebe: All right. Hold on. (She starts digging in the chair.) I got it. Nickel! (Donates it.) How much more do we need?

Rachel: A couple of bucks.

Phoebe: Okay, dime! (Donates that.) You guys should probably keep talking; this could take a while. (Finds something else.) Oh no, wait! Look it! Whoa! (Looks at it.) Oh my God, this is a police badge!

Monica: Wow!

Chandler: Oh that's so cool! Why would a cop come in here though? They don't serve donuts. (No one laughs.) Y'know what actually, could you discover the badge again? I think I can come up with something better than that.

Rachel: Phoebe, I bet somebody's missing that badge.

Phoebe: Yeah, I should probably take it back. Ooh, but you know what? While I'm at the police station, I could check their Ten Most Wanted lists because my friend Fritzy has been like number 11 forever, so this could be her year! (She crosses her fingers in hope.)

Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys!

Chandler: Hey!

Rachel: Hey Joey!

Monica: Hey.

Joey: (To Monica) Hey. That uh, that my sweatshirt?

Monica: Oh yes, it is. I'm sorry I borrowed it, I was cold. I hope its okay?

Joey: Well uh, it's just that uh, y'know if-if you're gonna be wearing someone's sweatshirt shouldn't it be your boyfriends--and I’m not him.

Monica: I'm sorry, I'll give it back to you.

Joey: No-no! No! I mean it's gonna be all smelling like Monica!

Monica: Are you saying I smell bad?

Joey: No! No, you smell like a meadow. (Pause.) I'm sorry. (Runs to the bathroom.)

Monica: What's with him?

Chandler: Oh, y'know what? The last time Joey went to a meadow, his mother was shot by a hunter.

[Scene: A couch store, Ross is trying to decide on a new couch for his place. He has dragged Rachel along for the trip, and she's not too happy about it. Ross is sitting on it in different ways to see how it feels. He tries to just sit on it normally, and then he tries flopping on it. One thing about this couch, it's huge. It's like twice the size of a normal full size couch. Whoever designed this thing, needs help and fast.]
Rachel: (disgusted at Ross's antics) Ugh!
Ross: (To Rachel) Yeah, I still don't know. (To the salesman who is hovering nearby) I'm sorry I just wanna make sure that I bought the right couch. I need a couch that says, "Kids welcome here." But that also says, (In a sexy voice) "Come here to me!"

Rachel: What?! You say that to kids?!!

Ross: No! No! No! The "Come here to me" is y'know for the ladies.

Rachel: Ross, honey, it's a nice couch. It's not a magic couch.

The Salesman: You picked a great couch.

Ross: Yeah?

The Salesman: Yeah. Could you just sign right here please? (Hands him a clipboard.)

Ross: Oh, sure. Whoa-whoa, what's this? The delivery charge is almost as much as the couch!

Rachel: Wait! No, that's ridiculous. Come on, he lives three blocks away!

Ross: Yeah, y'know what? I'll take it myself, thank you! (He signs the form and hands it back to the salesman.) All right Rach, let's go! (He picks up one end of the couch.)

Rachel: Yeah! (She puts on her coat and turns around and sees Ross is expecting her to help.) (Laughing.) Are you kiddin'?

Ross: Oh, come on it's only three blocks! And-and, it's not very heavy, try it! Come on! Come on!

Rachel: (Disgustedly she goes and tries to pick up the couch. Much to her amazement, she is successful.) Oh. Oh! I can do it!

Ross: Yeah!

The Salesman: You two are really gonna enjoy that couch.

Ross: Oh yeah, we're uh, yeah we're not together. (He starts backing out of the store.)

The Salesman: Ohh, okay. (Laughs.) Something didn't quite add up there. (Ross stops, walks back to talk to the salesman, and in the process pushes Rachel up against a wall.)

Rachel: Ross!

Ross: What's that supposed to mean?

Rachel: Ross!

The Salesman: Well you, her, I mean, she's very…y'know. And you're like…y'know.

Ross: Not that it's any of your business, but we did go out.

The Salesman: Really? You two?

Ross: Yeah! Rach?

Rachel: Come on, I don't really want to be doing this right now. I am carrying a very heavy couch.

Ross: Then tell him quickly.

Rachel: (To Ross) Fine! (To the salesman) We went out.

Ross: Not only did we go out, we did it 298 times!

Rachel: Ross!! Oh my--ugh!! You kept count?! You are such a loser!

Ross: A loser you did it with (To the salesman) 298 times!

(Rachel pushes on the couch and pushes Ross out the door.)

[Scene: Outside of Central Perk, Phoebe is exiting and sees a woman put out her cigarette on a tree.]
Phoebe: Oh. Oh! Ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am?
The Smoking Woman: Yes?

Phoebe: You can't put your cigarette out on a tree!

The Smoking Woman: Yeah I can, it worked real well.

Phoebe: No but you shouldn't! Don't ever do that again.

The Smoking Woman: I won't! (Turns away) Until I have my next cigarette.

Phoebe: Hold it! (Grabs the badge) N.Y.P.D! Freeze punk!

The Smoking Woman: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah that's right you are so busted. (To no one in particular.) Book 'em.

The Smoking Woman: Who are you talking too?

Phoebe: Save it Red! Unless you wanna spend the night in the slammer, you apologize to the tree.

The Smoking Woman: I am not going to apologize to a tree!

Phoebe: You apologize to the tree right now or I am calling for backup. (The woman calls her bluff.) (Screaming at no one in particular) Backup! Backup!!

The Smoking Woman: I-I'm sorry! Sorry.

Phoebe: Okay, cancel backup! Cancel backup!

[Scene: Ross's building's lobby, he and Rachel are about to attempt to take the couch upstairs.]
Ross: Okay. (Throws off the last cushion.)
Rachel: Ross, didn't you say that there was an elevator in here?

Ross: Uhh, yes I did but there isn't. Okay, here we go.

(They start the attempt. Ross is going backwards and reaches the first landing. This staircase has three steps then a landing, makes a 90-degree turn, and has more steps before another landing and another 90-degree turn.)

Ross: Okay, go left. Left! Left! (The bottom of the couch is hitting the railing.)

Rachel: Okay, y'know what? There is no more left, left!

Ross: Oh okay, lift it straight up over your head! Straight up over your head! You can do it! You can do it! (She gets it lifted up and they make the first turn.) Okay. You got it?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Good-good-good.

Rachel: Oh-oh!

(She can't stay at the end as the couch rounds the turn so she shifts to the back corner of the couch and is at a 90-degree angle to it.)

Ross: Yeah, you got it right? You got it right? You got it?

(She don't got it as the couch slips out of their grips and falls over the bottom railing.)

Rachel: Any chance you think the couch looks good there?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling Chandler and Monica how she fought crime in her own way with the badge she found.]
Phoebe: …so this guy was all (Mumbles.) And I'm all, Buffay, Homicide. (Flashes the badge.) It was just so cool!
Monica: (cooking something) Phoebe, you were supposed to take that back!

Phoebe: I know but I'm having so much fun doing good deeds.

Chandler: Okay, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. You could get arrested.

Phoebe: You could get arrested, right now! (Flashes the badge and they glare at her.) All right, yeah, I gotta take it back. I'm totally drunk with power. (She heads for the door just as Joey enters.)

Phoebe: (To Joey) Hey.

Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey! (Sees that Monica's there.) Oh.

Chandler: Hi, Joe.

Joey: Yeah, I didn’t know you guys were going to be here.

Monica: Hey Joey, sweetie, taste this. (Holds out a spoon for him.)

Joey: (backing away) What?! Why?!

Monica: What is going on with you?

Joey: Nothing!

Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day!

Joey: All right! There is something. I kinda had a dream, (pause) but I don't want to talk about it. (Starts for his room.)

Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what-what if Martin Luther King had said that? (Imitating what his famous speech would sound like.) I kinda have a dream! I don’t want to talk about it.

Joey: Well, it involved Monica.

Chandler: You had a dream about a girl that I am seeing?! Oh, that is so cool! (To Monica) I can't tell you how many times I've dreamt about a girl that he was seeing. (Seeing Monica's stare.) (To Joey) Anyway we're talking about your dream. (To Monica) I love you. (To Joey) Your dream? (Leans in to listen closely.)

Joey: Don't worry, there wasn't any sex in it or anything. I haven't dreamt about her like that since I found out about you two--ish.

Monica: What was the dream about?

Joey: Well, okay. You were my girlfriend and we were doing the crossword puzzle. Y'know like you guys were doing last night. So, that's it. I'm in love with Monica and I'll be moving out.

Monica: Wait, Joey! Joey! That doesn’t mean that-that you're in love with me!

Joey: It-it doesn’t?

Monica: No!

Chandler: No, it can mean anything. Like uh, all of the sudden you're jealous because I've become the apartment stud.

Joey: That kinda sounds like your dream dude.

Monica: Or, it could mean that-that you saw Chandler and me together and we y'know were being close and stuff and then you just want to have that with someone too.

Joey: In the dream I did enjoy the closeness.

Monica: Um-hmm.

Chandler: Joey, look, are you attracted to Monica? Right here, right now, are you attracted to her?

Joey: (looks at her) Not really.

Chandler: Well there you have it!

Monica: Well sure! I'm just wearing sweats! (Looking at Chandler and slowly realizing what his point is.) But that's good that you're not in love with me, because you just want a girlfriend!

Joey: No, I don't think it's just about just getting a girlfriend. Y'know? I mean, yeah, I can get a girlfriend! Yeah, we could sit in the chair and do crosswords, but y'know are we ever going to have y'know the closeness like-like you guys have?

Chandler: Well y'know, Monica and I were friends before we started dating. So maybe-maybe that's it?

Joey: Friends first? That's interesting.

Monica: You become friends after?

Joey: No, never done that either.

Rachel: (entering) Hey, umm, do you guys have that tape measure?

Chandler: Oh yeah, it's actually in my bedroom.

(Monica and Chandler both remember a special moment between them.)

Monica: (laughing) That's right.

(They realize the implication of their behavior, stop instantly and head for his bedroom. In the meanwhile, Joey is starring at Rachel in a seductive way.)

Rachel: (noticing him) What's up Joey?

Joey: (in a sexy voice) How you doin'?

(Rachel is stunned.)

Commercial Break
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is walking up and notices a car that is parked half on the curb and right in front of the door, making it difficult for people to enter Central Perk.]
Phoebe: Excuse me, is this your car?
Guy: Yeah.

Phoebe: Well I don't think it's very nice of you to park here, y'know you're blocking the entrance.

Guy: Don't worry about it. It's not a problem.

Phoebe: Well, it's a problem for me, which means it's a problem for you 'cause I'm a cop. (Shows the badge.)

Guy: (he reaches into the car and slams his siren on the roof.) So am I!

Phoebe: Ohh, no. (Pause) Oh okay, so you're a cop which means you can park anywhere, 'cause I know that 'cause I'm a cop too. So, all right, keep up the good work. 10-4. (Tries to leave.)

Cop: (stopping her) Hey, wait a second! So wait, what precinct are you with?

Phoebe: I-I'm with the umm, the 57th.

Cop: Oh, I know a guy in homicide up there.

Phoebe: I'm in vice. Yeah, in fact I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore.

Cop: Who-who else is in vice up there?

Phoebe: Umm, do you know, umm Sipowicz?

Cop: Sipowicz? No, I don't think so.

Phoebe: Yeah, big guy, kinda bald.

Cop: No, I don't know him.

Phoebe: (starts to walk away, but stops) Don’t try to call him or anything, 'cause he's not there, he's out. His umm, his partner just died.

Cop: Wow umm, tell Sipowicz I'm real sorry for his loss.

Phoebe: I-I sure will, take care. (Starts walking off.)

Cop: (following her) Hey by the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good. (Phoebe's stunned) And where did you find my badge?

Phoebe: Oh. (She starts laughing. Then she throws the badge at him and runs away.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering. Rachel is there getting some tools to help Ross out.]
Rachel: Hey! Joey, would you mind giving me and Ross a hand moving his couch?
Joey: Oh, I'd love too, but I got acting class. But y'know what? I guess I can blow that off, (In a sexy voice) for you.

(He starts staring at her longingly.)

Rachel: Thanks!

Joey: Uh, hey, Rach let me ask you something. Uh, I was just over there talking to Monica and Chandler, boy they are really tight.

Rachel: I know.

Joey: Yeah that's not such a bad situation they got going over there. I'm thinking of getting me one of those.

Rachel: What's up Joe?

Joey: Well, the reason I think Monica and Chandler are so great…

Rachel: Yeah?

Joey: …is because they were friends first. Y'know? So I asked myself, "Who are my friends?" You and Phoebe, and I saw you first. So…

Rachel: (laughing) What are you saying?

Joey: I'm saying maybe you and I crank it up a notch.

Rachel: Y'know honey, umm, as uh, as flattered as I am that uh, you saw me first, uhh, I just, I-I don't think we should be cranking anything up.

Joey: I'll treat you real nice. (Pulls out a chair for her.)

Rachel: (laughs and pushes the chair back in) Yeah, well, y'know umm… No honey, listen I think it's a great idea to become friends with someone before you date them, but I think the way you do it is y'know you meet someone, become their friend, build a foundation, then you ask them out on a date. Don't hit on your existing friends!

Joey: Won't-won't that take longer?

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but once you find it, ohh it's so worth the wait.

Joey: Yeah. I understand. I understand. (Pause) Man, I wish I saw Phoebe first!

[Scene: The lobby of Ross's building, he's sitting on the couch at the bottom of the stairs, and he's practicing enticing women to join him on the couch.]
Ross: Come here to me. No-no, you come here to me.
Rachel: (entering) Hey Ross! I brought reinforcements.

Ross: Oh great! What, you brought Joey?

Rachel: Well, I brought the next best thing.

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Chandler?! You brought Chandler?! The next best thing would be Monica!

Chandler: Y'know, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so…

Ross: Look, I-I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. (Showing them) Okay Rach, (points to the sketch) that's you. That's the couch. (Points again.)

Rachel: Whoa-oh, what's-what's that? (Points.)

Ross: Oh, that's me.

Rachel: Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself.

Ross: No! That's-that's my arm!

Chandler: (looking at the sketch) Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.

Ross: Y'know what? Just-just follow my lead.

(Chandler and Ross head for opposite ends of the couch.)

Rachel: Okay!

Chandler: Okay.

Ross: Come on, Chandler.

(They pick up the couch and after throwing off the last pillow; Rachel helps out on Chandler's end.)

Ross: All right. (They start up the stairs. Ross is first.) Okay, here we go!

(Chandler has moved forward and is now underneath the couch as it heads up the first set of stairs.)

Ross: All right, ready?

Chandler: Yeah.

Ross: Turn.

Chandler: (straining) Okay.

Ross: Turn! Turn!

(As they turn the couch, Chandler gets sandwiched between the railing and the couch.)

Chandler: Okay, I don't think we can turn anymore!

Rachel: Ross, I don't, I just don't think it's going to fit.

Ross: Oh yeah it will! Come on, up! Up-up-up! Up! Yes! Here we go! Pivot! (They start up the stairs again. Chandler is between the couch and the wall now.) Pivot! Piv-ot! Piv-et!! Piv-ett!!! Piv-et!

Chandler: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!

(They set the couch down.)

Ross: Okay, I don't think it's going to pivot anymore.

Chandler and Rachel: You think?!

Ross: All right, let's uh, let's bring it back down and-and try again.

(As they start back down the couch drops a little bit and gets jammed. They try to free it to no avail.)

Chandler: Okay, yeah, I think it's really stuck now.

Ross: I can't believe that didn't work!

Rachel: I know, me neither! I mean, you had a sketch!

Chandler: Oh, y'know, what did you mean when you said pivot?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is returning and finds Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey! How's it going? Did you make any new friends?

Joey: Yeah, yeah, I met this woman. (Starts for his room.)

Chandler: (stopping him) Hey, whoa-whoa! What's she like?

Joey: Uhh, well, she's…really good in bed.

Monica: Joey, I thought you were gonna try to be friends first!

Joey: (To Rachel) Well look, hey, it's all your fault!

Rachel: What?! Why?!

Joey: Well because you didn't give me advice! No! You gave me a pickup line! As soon as I told her I wanted to y'know, build a foundation and be friends first. I suddenly, through no fault of my own, became irresistible to her! (Pause) And her roommate!

Monica: What about the closeness?

Joey: Closeness-shmoshness! There was three of us for crying out loud!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering with a pizza and finds everyone but Ross there.]
Joey: (entering) All right! Hey, who wants pizza?!
Chandler: Ooh, I do! I do! I do!

(They all walk over to get a slice.)

Joey: (taking a bite) Oh, great! Can you believe I found it on the second floor?

(They all throw their pieces back as there is a knock on the door.)

Monica: Who is it?

Voice: N.Y.P.D!!

Phoebe and Joey: Oh my God!

Joey: Uhh, just a minute officer!!

(He throws his piece back in the box, runs into the living room, looks for a place to hide the pizza, finds one, slides the box under the couch, sits down on the table, and tries to quickly chew the food in his mouth.)

Cop: I'm looking for Phoebe Buffay!

Phoebe: Ooh, God, it's him! It's that cop! God, I can't believe it! He found me!

Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, are you gonna go to jail?!

Phoebe: Well, if I'm going down, I'm taking you (Points at all of them) with me. (They all look at her.) Harboring a fugitive? That's one to three years minimum. Good luck Chandler. (She opens the door to the cop from before.) Okay, you can arrest me. Fine. But you'll never make it stick and you know it!

Cop: Yeah, but I kinda don't have a choice, it's my job. I mean, you understand right?

Phoebe: Yep! As long as you understand that I'm going to call my lawyer and once he puts you on the stand he'll make you look like a fool. A fool!

Cop: I don't like looking foolish. Y'know what? Maybe uh, I don't arrest you today. Maybe I came by and you weren't here.

Phoebe: I would love it if I weren't here!

Cop: Okay, so since umm, you're not going to jail tonight I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner with me?

Phoebe: Me?!

Cop: Yeah. Ever since you flashed my badge at me, I kinda can't stop thinking about you. You're the prettiest, fake undercover whore I've ever seen.

Chandler and Joey: Nice!

Phoebe: Wow! I didn't see that coming! You're-you're asking me out!

Cop: Yeah. I mean, I coulda done it better, but these people keep staring at me.

Phoebe: Umm, yeah, I'd like to go out with you officer…

Cop: Gary.

Phoebe: Gary.

Gary: Okay, so it's a date.

Phoebe: Yeah! So--ooh, I gotta ask you though. How did you know where to find me?

Gary: Well you're fingerprints were all over my badge so I just ran it through the computer and this was listed as your last known address so I just checked it out.

Phoebe: Ohh, impressive.

Gary: Not as impressive as you. I gotta tell you, I looked at your record and you've done some pretty weird stuff.

Phoebe: Yeah, we'll talk at dinner.

Gary: Okay. (He starts to leave.) So I'll come by in a couple hours and pick you up?

Phoebe: All right, I can't wait!

Gary: Okay. And don't worry, I'm not just gonna take you out for donuts.

(Chandler busts out laughing and everyone just looks at him.)

Chandler: (To Rachel) He has a gun!

Closing Credits
[Scene: The couch store, Ross is talking to a saleswoman.]
Ross: I'd like to return this couch. I'm not satisfied with it.
[The camera cuts to show the couch, which has been cut in half.]

The Saleswoman: You wanna return this couch? (Ross nods yes.) It's cut in half!

Ross: That's what I'm telling you.

The Saleswoman: Did you cut this couch in half?

Ross: This couch, is cut in half! I would like to exchange it for one that is not cut in half!

The Saleswoman: You're telling me this couch was delivered to you like this?!

Ross: Look, I am a reasonable man. I will accept store credit.

The Saleswoman: I'll give you store credit in the amount of four dollars.

Ross: (thinks) I take it.

Ross: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! (He opens the door to the apartment but is stopped by the chain; Chandler and Monica quickly stop making out and try to get dressed.) Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here!

Chandler: (To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. What was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window.)

Monica: What are you doing?!

Chandler: Oh, I'm going on the lamb.

Monica: Come on Chandler, come on, I can handle Ross. (They go to the door. Ross is trying to stick his hand through and undo the chain; Monica pushes his hand back.) (To Ross) Hold on! (She opens the door.) Hey Ross. What's up bro?

(Ross spots Chandler and starts chasing him around the kitchen table. Chandler runs and hides behind Monica.)

Ross: What the hell are doing?!!

Rachel: (running from the guy's apartment with Joey in tow) Hey, what's-what's going on?!

Chandler: Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica.

Joey: (panicking) Dude! He's right there!

Ross: (To Chandler) I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this!

Chandler: Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her.

Monica: I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but it's true, I love him too.

(There's a brief pause.)

Ross: (happily) My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this. (He hugs them both.) (To Joey and Rachel) You guys probably wanna get some hugs in too, huh? Big news!

Rachel: Awww, no, it's okay, we've actually known for a while.

(There's another pause as Ross gets angry again.)

Ross: What? What? What?! You guys knew? (Joey and Rachel backup against the door.) You all knew and you didn't tell me?!!

Rachel: Well, Ross, we were worried about you. We didn't know how you were going to react.

(Pause.)

Ross: (happily again) You were worried about me? You didn't know how I was going to react? (He hugs them both.)

Joey: Okay, all right, whew! What do you say we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds get back down to business? (Ross turns and glares at him.) Hey-hey-hey, I-I-I'm just talking here, he-he's the one doing your sister.

Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Ross: Hey, you know what I just realized? If you guys ever have kids…
Chandler: (interrupting) Whoa-whoa-whoa! We're having kids?!

Joey: (quickly) I call Godfather!

Ross: You can't just call Godfather. Don't you think her brother should be Godfather?

Joey: Sure, if you cared enough to call it first.

Monica: Guys, you're a few steps ahead of us.

Chandler: Yeah, big zero gravity moon steps.

Rachel: Oh! Oh, I just thought of the greatest wedding gift to get you.

Phoebe: Ooh, I'll go in on that with you! I couldn't think of anything.

Rachel: Okay.

(A girl enters.)

Joey: (to her) Oh, hey Katie! Everyone, this is Katie.

Katie: Hi!

All: Hi!

Joey: So, are you ready to go?

Katie: Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom.

Joey: Oh sure, right back there. (Points.)

Katie: Hey, where are we going to lunch?

Joey: I was thinking Chinese food.

Katie: Ohh, I love Chinese! How did you know I love Chinese?! (She hits him repeatedly as she says that.)

(She heads to the bathroom and Joey sits back down.)

Rachel: She is so cute! You could fit her right in your little pocket!

Joey: I don't know. I mean I like her a lot, and she's really nice, but…

Monica: But what?

Joey: (shyly) She keeps punching me.

(They all laugh.)

Monica: In that cute, little, sweet way she just did?

Joey: Hey, it's a lot harder than it looks! Okay? (Quietly) She-she-she's hurting me.

Monica: I know what you need, you need a bodyguard. Hey Ross, what is Ben doing after preschool?

Chandler: Hey listen, come on, Joey is having a problem! A little girl is beating him up.

Rachel: Aww, Joey, come here. (She takes his hand.) Look honey, I know this must be really, really difficult for you and I--Oh, I'm sorry. Am I hurting you?

[Scene: Ross's apartment, he's unpacking after moving in. There's a knock on the door and he answers it.]
Ross: (opens it to reveal Phoebe) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey! I brought you some house warming gifts.

Ross: Aww.

Phoebe: Yeah. Salt, so your life always has flavor.

Ross: Huh.

Phoebe: Bread, so you never go hungry.

Ross: Ohh.

Phoebe: And a scented candle for the bathroom, because well, y'know.

Ross: Thanks. Thanks. And thanks again.

Phoebe: Yeah!

(The door across the hall opens and a guy walks into Ross's apartment.)

Guy: Hi!

Ross: Hi!

Guy: Welcome to the building. I'm uh, Steve Sarah; I'm president of the tenants committee.

Ross: Oh hi! Ross Geller. And this is my friend Phoebe.

Steve: Oh hi Phoebe.

Phoebe: Mr. President.

Steve: I came to talk to you about Howard.

Ross: Howard?

Steve: Yeah, he's the handy man. He's gonna be retiring next week and everyone who lives here is kicking in a 100 bucks as a thank you for all the hard work type of thing.

Ross: Oh that's nice.

Steve: Yeah. So, do you want to give a check? Or…

Ross: Oh. Uhh…

Steve: Oh look, you don't have to give it too me right now! You can slip it under my door. (Points to his apartment across the hall.)

Ross: No-no, it's not that, it's just… I-I just moved in.

Steve: Well, the guy's worked here for 25 years.

Ross: Yes, but I've lived here for 25 minutes.

Steve: Oh, okay, I get it. (Starts to leave.)

Ross: No wait, look. Look! I'm sorry, it's just I've never even met Howard. I-I mean I don't know Howard.

Steve: Howard's the handy man!

Ross: Yes but too me he's just, man.

Steve: Okay, fine, whatever. Welcome to the building. (Exits.)

Ross: (To Phoebe) Ugh, can you believe that guy!

Phoebe: Yeah. I really like his glasses.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is lamenting to Chandler and Rachel about his troubles in his new building.]
Ross: …so then President Steve told everyone that I was a cheapskate, and now the whole building hates me! A little kid spit on my knee! Y'know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna throw a party. That's right. For everyone in the building, and I'm gonna sit them down and explain to them, I am not a bad guy. I am not a cheap guy! I'm just a guy who-who stands up for what he believes in. A man with principles.
Chandler: (To Rachel) Sounds like a fun party.

Rachel: Hmm. Look, Ross, if you want your neighbors to like you, why don't you just pay the hundred bucks? The party's gonna cost you way more than that.

Ross: It doesn't matter! It's my principles! We're talking about my principles!

Rachel: Okay, I thought it was about your neighbors liking you.

Ross: Oh, they'll like me. Once they come to my awesome PAR-TAY! Okay, I gotta run. I gotta go get some nametags. (Exits.)

Rachel: And that crazy party animal will be your brother-in-law.

Chandler: Very, very funny, but don't say things like that in front of Monica. I don't want you putting any ideas in her head.

Rachel: Umm, Chandler, you do realize that those ideas are probably already in Monica's head.

Chandler: Wh-wh-why?!

Rachel: Well, because she loves you and because you love her.

Chandler: Yeah, so, what's that supposed to mean?!

Rachel: Hey, Chandler, don't freak out! I'm telling you something you already know! Come on, she broke up with Richard because he didn't want to have babies. And she's a woman, and she's almost 30, and y'know it's Monica.

Chandler: I don't see it that way. Okay? Because, I see two Monicas, the one that was my friend, who lived across the hall, and wanted to have a lot of babies and then the new Monica, who I just started to date. Now, who's to say what she wants?! I’m right. I'm right. Am I right?

Rachel: No, you're right, you are absolutely right. I mean that makes, that makes everything different.

Chandler: Okay. It's not different at all, is it?

Rachel: Not unless different means the same.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is sitting on the couch with Katie.]
Katie: You were so funny with that waiter! You're such a nut! (She slaps her thighs, Joey jerks, and spills some of his coffee.)
Joey: (sets the coffee down) Y'know, breadstick fangs are always funny.

Katie: No, you make them funny. You're the funny one! (She punches him again and he retreats to the arm of the couch.)

Joey: Uhh, look Katie, uh listen, we-we need to talk. Okay? Umm, look I like you. I-I really do, I like you a lot. Okay? But sometimes when you, when you playfully punch me like that it-it feels like someone's hitting me with a very tiny but very real bat.

Katie: Aww, like I could hurt you. Are you making fun of my size? Don't make fun of me because of my size! (She punches him again and almost knocks him off the arm of the couch.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Monica are curled up on one of the chairs.]
Monica: Isn't this great?
Chandler: Hmm.

Monica: Couldn't you just stay like this forever? (His eyes snap open.) Chandler! Couldn't you just stay here forever?

Chandler: Yeah, here, somewhere else, y'know where-where ever. (Gets up.)

Monica: Are you okay?

Chandler: Yeah, I'm cool. Casual.

Monica: What-what are you doing?

Chandler: I'm just hanging out. Y'know, having fun. Y'know with the girl that I'm seeing casually.

Monica: Man, I knew it! I knew you were going to do this!!

Chandler: What?!

Monica: Get all freaked out because everybody was talking and just joking around about marriage and stuff.

Chandler: Well, you do want all that stuff, right?

Monica: Oh and you know what I want!

Chandler: Yes! You want babies! You have baby fever!

Monica: I do not have baby fever!

Chandler: Oh please, you are obsessed with babies and-and marriage and everything that's related to babies and-and marriage! I've got an idea, why don't we turn down the heat on this pressure cooker?!

Monica: Have you lost your mind? Chandler, this isn't about me! This is about you and all your weird relationship commitment crap!

Chandler: Nah-uh! I know you! Okay? I know the thoughts that you have in the head--in your head!

Monica: You don't know everything. Did you know that I'm going out with Rachel tonight instead of you? Hmm? And did you know that the only baby around here is you?! And did you know that I can't even look at you right now?! (She storms out.)

Chandler: Well, I did not know that.

Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting advice from Ross and Joey.]
Chandler: It's gonna be okay, right? I mean she's not gonna leave me? This is, this is fixable.

Ross and Joey: Oh yeah, yeah, sure. Absolutely.

Chandler: By me?

Ross: Oh, no!

Joey: No-no.

Ross: Well, unless you make some kind of big gesture.

Joey: Yeah, big!

(Monica enters.)

Joey: Uh-oh, shht! The Misses.

Monica: Gunther, can I get a coffee (Looks at Chandler) to go?

Chandler: Monica. (Goes to talk to her.)

Monica: I'm still not done not wanting to talk to you.

Chandler: Just tell me what I need to do to make things right.

Monica: What?!

Chandler: Well, that's what we do. Y'know, I-I mess up and then you tell me how to fix it and then I do and then y'know you think I'm all cute again.

Monica: Really? I'm really tired of being your relationship tutor. You're gonna have to figure this one for yourself. All right? Y'know what? If you're too afraid to be in a real relationship, then don't be in one. (She walks out.)

(Chandler turns to watch her go and then sees Ross and Joey both with huge grimaces on their faces.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, he's having his party, only he's the only guest. He gets up and puts on a nametag that says Ross, but doesn't quite like it. So he takes it off and puts on one that says Dr. Geller and he puts the Ross one underneath the Dr. Geller one. Then as he turns off the music, we hear the party for Howard raging in the apartment across the hall.]
Party Guests: (chanting) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! (Ross goes to investigate the noise) Howard! Howard! Howard! (They're holding Howard above their heads.) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! (He sees Phoebe chanting along with them.) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Yay!!
Ross: Phoebe! (He grabs her arm to get her attention.)

Phoebe: Oh, hi Ross!

Ross: What are you doing?

Phoebe: Oh, I thought this was your party and it turns out it’s a party for Howard. He's just the sweetest little man! (A guest walks up to her.)

Guest #1: See ya Phoebe! Oh and hey, thanks for chipping in!

Ross: You chipped in?!

Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, a 100 dollars.

Ross: Phoebe! I can't believe you gave them money! I thought you agreed it was totally unreasonable that they asked me for that money!

Phoebe: Yeah, but they didn't ask me! Y'know? This way I'm just y'know, the exotic, generous stranger. That's always fun to be.

Ross: Yeah, but you're making me look bad!

Phoebe: No I'm not. No! If anything I'm making you look better! They'll see you talking to me and that's--I'm a hit!

Steve: (walking up) Oh hey, Pheebs!

Phoebe: Hey!

Steve: Oh hey, Ross. Umm, see, I was thinking maybe you two could switch apartments because Phoebe's more our kind of people. Something to think about. (Walks away.)

(Ross turns and glares at Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Yeah, okay, my bad.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is getting some coffee as Joey enters. He's looking a little puffy, but that's probably from the large number of different color sweaters he's wearing.]
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Hi! Wow! You look, you look…big.

Joey: Thanks! I've been working out. Hey listen, is it obvious that I'm wearing six sweaters?

Rachel: Uhhh, yeah. But it's not obvious why.

Joey: Well look, I’m breaking up with Katie so I had to put on some extra padding. Y'know? I mean, if she hits me when she's happy, can you imagine how hard she's gonna hit me when I tell her I'm taking away the Joey love?

Katie: (entering) Hi!

Joey: Hey! Hiya!

Rachel: Hey! Hey, cute jacket!

Katie: Oh, thanks! That's so sweet! (She punches Rachel like she punched Joey.)

Rachel: Oh! Ow! (Joey motions, "You see what I mean?!")

Katie: Oh, ow! Did Joey tell you to say that? You guys, (Punches Joey) are too much! (Punches Rachel.)

Rachel: Whoa! (Laughs) Y'know what Katie? I gotta tell ya I-I-I-I think you are the one who is too much. (She punches Katie back.)

Katie: Ohh, Joey has the nicest friends! (She punches Rachel.)

Rachel: Ohh, and the nicest girlfriend! (She retaliates.)

Katie: You're so sweet! (Punches Rachel yet again.)

Rachel: Ohh, you're so sweet! (She kicks Katie in the shin.)

Katie: Oww!!!! Joey, she just kicked me.

Joey: Huh.

Katie: Well? Aren't you gonna do something?

Joey: Uhh….

Katie: You'd better do something, or I'm gonna walk out that door right now! Well? Are you gonna?

Joey: Nah.

(She looks at Rachel and storms out. After she's left Joey hugs Rachel in thanks.)

[Scene: Howard's party, Phoebe is talking Ross up to two more partygoers. Ross isn't happy about it.]
Ross: (trying to get her attention) Phoebe?
Phoebe: (ignoring him and continuing her conversation) That's what I'm saying. (Laughs.)

Ross: (tapping her on the shoulder) Phoebe? Phoebe?

Phoebe: Ooh. (Turns to him.)

Ross: Look, this is a disaster! Can't I please just go?

Phoebe: No! No! I'm talking you up to people. Just give it a little time, all right? Relax, get something to eat! Okay?

(They go to the food table.)

Ross: So uh, what did you tell them about me?

Phoebe: Oh, I was telling them about you and Emily. Y'know, try to get some sympathy.

Ross: Ohh. (He cuts himself a piece of cake.)

Phoebe: But somehow you came off as the bad guy.

Ross: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah, I think I told it wrong. Y'know, we should talk about that because I don't totally understand what happened there.

Ross: (trying a piece of cake) Ohh, this cake is really good!

Phoebe: Oh, okay, see? Things are looking up already!

Guest #2: (sees the cake) Oh my God! Someone cut Howard's cake! (Ross tries dumping it into a nearby plant.) Who would do a think like that?

(Steve goes over to look at Ross who's trying to look cool, but has some frosting on his lip.)

Steve: 3-B!

All: Oh yeah, aww!

Steve: Okay, you got your free food! You ruined everyone's fun! Don't you think it's time you went home?!

Guest #3: Yeah, leave!

All: Yeah, get out! Now!

Steve: Go back to 3-B, 3-B!

Phoebe: All right, everyone calm down! Everyone calm down! I have something that I would like to say! Who here likes Ross? (Ross is the only one who raises his hand and Phoebe glares at him to put his hand back down.) Of course you don't like him! He-he didn't give you any money, he raised his own hand when I asked, "Who hear likes Ross," and he's wearing two nametags! (He takes one off.) I-I'll be honest with you guys, when I first met Ross I didn't like him at all! But then once I got to know him I saw that he's really sweet and caring and very generous. I mean, all I'm saying is don't judge Ross before you get to know him all right? I mean, I like all you guys now, but when I first meet you y'know Kurt, I thought, y'know abrasive drunk, umm Lola, mind numbingly stupid! And okay, you guys (She turns to an elderly gentleman and a 20 something woman, who're a couple.) (To the girl) Gold-digger, (To the old guy) cradle robbing perv! So, I think you all know what I mean.

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross and Phoebe have been banished to Ross's place.]
Phoebe: Obviously I didn't think they were gonna start throwing things. I just thought if I kept insulting everyone, you would jump in and defend everyone and then you could look like the hero.
Ross: Oh wow, yeah! See, I did not get that.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler comes running in. Everyone else is already there.]
Chandler: Where's Monica?! Where is she? I need to talk to her! It's urgent! Is she here?
Monica: (raising her hand) I'm Monica.

Chandler: I need to talk to you, it's urgent!

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: Okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, y'know a lot of uhh, us thinking. And uh, well I guess there's only one-one way to do this. (He slowly and awkwardly gets down on one knee.)

Monica: Wait what-wh-wh-what are you doing?!

Chandler: (getting out a ring box) Monica…

Monica: No-no, don't-don't-don't do it!

Chandler: Will you marry me?

(Phoebe hides her eyes in shame. Rachel is starring at them wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Joey and Ross are stunned to temporary silence.)

Ross: Oh-no. No. No.

Joey: What a bad idea!

Rachel: Ohhhh, I cannot look at it! (She doesn't move.)

Monica: Chandler, why are you doing this?

Chandler: I don't know. But I know I'm not afraid to do this.

Monica: Chandler.

Chandler: I'm doing this because I'm sorry?

Monica: Do you umm, you really think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry?

Chandler: No, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry is pretty much fourth y'know, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married. (Laughs.) Will you be my wife?

Monica: (kneels with him) Chandler, umm, I want you to take just a minute and I want you to think about how ridiculous this sounds.

Chandler: Yeah, I'm kinda wishing everyone wasn't here right now.

Monica: Honey! Do you know that none of that stuff came from me?! I mean I never said I wanted to have babies and get married right now!

Chandler: Yeah I know, but I was really confused and then I talked to these guys. (Turns to look at Ross and Joey.)

Monica: Who? Two divorces and Joey?!

Ross: Hey!

Joey: She's right y'know.

Ross: Yeah, but still, cheap shot!

Monica: Y'know what? Y'know when I said that I want you to deal with this relationship stuff all on your own? Well, you're not ready for that.

Chandler: I didn't think I was!

(They hug.)

Monica: Oh my God, what would have done if I said yes?

Chandler: Well I would've been happy because I would've be able to spend the rest of my life with the woman that I love. Or, you would've seen a Chandler shaped hole in that door. (Points at the door.)

Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Everyone is there.]
Joey: Hey Ross, will you pass me that knife?
Ross: No, I will not!

Joey: Oh, it's okay. You don't have to be so mean about it.

Ross: You're right, I'm sorry. Will you marry me?

(They all laugh.)

Phoebe: Aw, and I was gonna ask you to marry me because I forgot to say hello to you last week.

Rachel: Oh no wait Pheebs, I think for something like that you just ask them to move in with you. But I'm not sure, Chandler?

Chandler: Okay, how long is this going to go on.

Monica: Well I think the length of teasing is directly related to how insane you were so, a long time.

Ross: This is fun. Hey Rach, remember that whole "We were on a break thing?" Well, I'm sorry, will you marry me? (Laughs--whines as he sees that no one is laughing. They're just staring at him in shock.)

Chandler: That's not funny.

Joey: That's not funny at all!

(They all get up and leave.)

Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh hey, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy is putting stuff in boxes!

(They all run and join her at the window.)

Rachel: I'd say from the looks of it; our naked buddy is moving.

Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled clothes.

Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna miss that big old squishy butt.

Chandler: And we're done with the chicken fried rice.

Ross: Hey! Hey! If he's moving, maybe I should try to get his place!

All: Good idea! Yes!

Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you guys!

Joey: Hey, yeah! Then we could do that telephone thing! Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string!

Chandler: Or we can do the actual telephone thing.

Opening Credits
[Scene: Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are checking out the place. Luckily, Ugly Naked Guy is nowhere to be seen.]
Ross: Oh my God! I love this apartment! Isn't it perfect?! I can't believe I never realized how great it is!
Rachel: Well that is because your eye immediately goes to the big naked man.

Phoebe: It's amazing! You better hurry up and fill out an application or I'm gonna beat you to it.

Ross: (laughing) Ohh. (Phoebe takes a couple of steps to the door and Ross quickly hurries out.)

Rachel: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna go use Ugly Naked Guy's bathroom. (Does so.)

Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh, look! There's Monica and Chandler! (Starts yelling.) Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica start taking each other's clothes off.) Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!!

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: (screaming) Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!!

Rachel: Oh my God!

Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!!

Rachel: OH MY GOD!!!

Phoebe: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!

Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!!

Phoebe: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!!

Rachel: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW!

Phoebe: YOU KNOW?!!!

Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!!

Ross: (entering) What's going on?

Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!!

Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi!

Ross: What?! What?!

Rachel: Nothing! Oh God, we're just so excited that you want to get this apartment!

Ross: Actually, it looks really good. (Turns towards the window and now Phoebe starts jumping to divert his attention.)

Phoebe: (Screaming incoherently.) Get in here!!! (Motions to join her and Rachel.)

(Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently and hops over and joins in on the group hug.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there talking about Chandler and Monica.]
Phoebe: You mean whenever Monica and Chandler where like y'know doing laundry or going grocery shopping or—Oh! All that time Monica spent on the phone with sad Linda from camp!
Rachel: Uh-huh, doing it. Doing it. Phone doing it.

Phoebe: Oh! Oh, I can't believe it! I mean I think it's great! For him. She might be able to do better.

Joey: (entering) Hey guys!

Rachel: Joey! Come here! Come here!

Joey: What? What?

Rachel: Phoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler.

Joey: You mean how they're friends and nothing more? (Glares at Rachel.)

Rachel: No. Joey, she knows! We were at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment and we saw them doing it through the window. (Joey gasps) Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window.

Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know and they don't know that Rachel knows?

Joey: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over!

Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own.

Rachel: Wh-what do you mean?

Phoebe: Well y'know every time that they say that like they're doing laundry we'll just give them a bunch of laundry to do.

Rachel: Ohhh, I-I would enjoy that!

Joey: No-no-no! No-no wait Rach, you know what would even be more fun? Telling them.

Rachel: Ehhh, no, I wanna do Phoebe's thing.

Joey: I can't take any…

Phoebe: No! You don't have to do anything! Just don't tell them that we know!

Joey: Noo! I can't take any more secrets! (To Rachel) I've got your secrets. I've got their secrets. I got secrets of my own y'know!

Rachel: You don't have any secrets!

Joey: Oh yeah? Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal. (Joey shies away.)

Rachel: (To Phoebe) So umm, how-how are we gonna mess with them?

Joey: Ugh.

Phoebe: Well, you could use your position y'know as the roommate.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: And then. I would use y'know the strongest tool at my disposal. My sexuality.

Chandler: (entering) Hello children!

All: Hey!

Phoebe: Okay, watch, learn, and don't eat my cookie.

(She gets up and goes over to Chandler who's ordering some coffee from Gunther.)

Chandler: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, wow that jacket looks great on you!

Chandler: Really?

Phoebe: (feels his arm) Yeah the material feels so soft—hello Mr. Bicep! Have you been working out?

Chandler: Well, I try to y'know, squeeze things. (Phoebe giggles uncontrollably.) Are you okay?

Phoebe: Well, if you really wanna know, I'm—Oh! I can't tell you this.

Chandler: Phoebe, it's me. You can tell me anything.

Phoebe: Well actually you're the one person I can't tell this too. And the one person I want to the most.

Chandler: What's going on?

Phoebe: I think it's just y'know that I haven't been with a guy in so long and how sometimes you're looking for something and you just don’t even see that it's right there in front of you sipping coffee—Oh no, have I said to much? Well it's just something to think about. I know I will.

(She makes a show of bending over to get her coat and showing off her bum. She then walks out, leaving no one to eat her cookie.)

[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler and Monica are there, of course. Like who else would it be, duh!]
Monica: You are so cute! How did you get to be so cute?
Chandler: Well, my Grandfather was Swedish and my Grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.

Monica: Okay, now you're even cuter!!

Chandler: Y'know that is a popular opinion today I must say.

Monica: What?

Chandler: The weirdest thing happened at the coffee house, I think, I think Phoebe was hitting on me.

Monica: What are you talking about?

Chandler: I'm telling you I think Phoebe thinks I'm foxy.

Monica: That's not possible!

Chandler: Ow!

Monica: I'm sorry it's just, Phoebe just always thought you were, you were charming in a, in a sexless kind of way.

Chandler: Oh, y'know I-I can't hear that enough.

Monica: I'm sorry, I think that you just misunderstood her.

Chandler: No, I didn't misunderstand, okay? She was all over me! She touched my bicep for crying out loud!

Monica: This bicep?

Chandler: Well it's not flexed right now!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler are there. Monica is entering from her room.]
Rachel: Hey Mon, what are you doing now? Wanna come see a movie with us?
Monica: Uhh, y'know actually I was gonna do some laundry.

Rachel: Oh.

Monica: Hey Chandler, wanna do it with me?

Chandler: Sure, I'll do it with ya.

Monica: Okay.

Rachel: Okay great, hold on a sec! (She runs to her room and returns carrying a huge bag of laundry.) Oh, here you go! You don't mind do ya? That would really help me out a lot! Thanks!

Monica: I mean I-I don't I think I have enough quarters.

Phoebe: I have quarters! (She holds up a bag of quarters.)

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey Ross! Any word on the apartment yet?

Ross: Well, I called over there and it turns out Ugly Naked Guy is subletting it himself and he's already had like a hundred applicants.

Rachel: Oh.

Ross: No-no, I got the edge. I know it's not exactly ethical but I sent him a little bribe to

tip the scales in my direction. Check it out, you can probably see it from the window. (They all head to the window.)

Monica: Oh, is it that pinball machine with the big bow on it?

Ross: No.

Chandler: That new mountain bike?

Ross: No.

Monica: Well what did you send?

Ross: A basket of mini-muffins.

Phoebe: But there's a whole table of mini-muffin baskets. Which one did you send?

Ross: The small one.

Rachel: What?! You-you actually thought that basket was gonna get you the apartment?

Ross: Well yeah! Someone sent us a basket at work once and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day.

Chandler: Your work makes me sad.

Ross: Oh man! I want that place so much!! I was so sure that was gonna work! There's twelve bucks I'll never see again! (Exits.)

Rachel: All right honey, we'd better go if we wanna catch that movie.

Monica: Bye!

All: Bye!

Phoebe: Bye Chandler! (She walks up to him.) (Quietly.) I miss you already. (She pinches his butt.)

Chandler: (after they've left) Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!!

Monica: Actually, I did!

Chandler: Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me?

Monica: Ohhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She knows about us!

Chandler: Are you serious?

Monica: Phoebe knows and she's just trying to freak us out! That's the only explanation for it!

Chandler: (a little hurt) Okay but what about y'know my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps—She knows!

Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is snoozing with Hugsy, his bedtime penguin pal and Chandler and Monica come storming in.]
Chandler: (entering) Joey!
(Joey quickly tries to hide Hugsy by throwing it over his head.)

Joey: Yeah?

Chandler: Phoebe knows about us!

Joey: Well I didn't tell them!

Monica: Them?! Who's them?

Joey: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey.

Monica: Joey!

Joey: And Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell!

Chandler: Oh man!

Joey: I'm sorry! But hey, it's over now, right? Because you can tell them that you know they know and I can go back to knowing absolutely nothing!

Monica: Unless…

Joey: No! Not unless! Look this must end now!

Monica: Oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But see they don't know that we know that they know! So…

Chandler: Ahh yes, the messers become the messies!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is looking at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment through binoculars.]
Ross: Noooo.
Rachel: Oh Ross, honey you gotta stop torturing yourself!

Phoebe: Yeah, why don't you just find another apartment?

Ross: Look I've already looked at like a thousand apartments this month and none of them even compares to that one!

Rachel: Y'know what you should do?

Ross: Huh?

Rachel: You should find out what his hobbies are and then use that to bond with him. Yeah! Like if I would strike up a conversation about say umm, sandwiches. Or uh, or my underwear.

Joey: I'm listening.

Rachel: (To Ross) See?

Ross: That is a great idea! And! I know Ugly Naked Guy because we've been watching him for like five years so that gives me back my edge! Oh, let's see now he had the trampoline.

Phoebe: He broke that.

Ross: Well, he had gravity boots.

Rachel: Yeah, he broke those too.

Joey: So he likes to break stuff.

Ross: Okay, I've got to go pick up Ben but I-I will figure something out. (He opens the door and stops.) Hey, didn't he used to have a cat?

Phoebe: I wouldn't bring that up, it would probably just bum him out.

Joey: Yeah, poor cat, never saw that big butt coming.

Ross: Right. (Exits.)

(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)

Rachel: Hello! (Listens) Oh yeah! Hey! Hold on a second she's right here! (To Phoebe) It's Chandler.

Phoebe: (in a sexy voice) Oh? (Takes the phone from Rachel.) Hello you.

Chandler: Hello Phoebe, I've been thinking about you all day. (He's holding the phone so that Monica can hear it as well.)

Phoebe: Eh?

Chandler: Well you know that thing you said before, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued.

Phoebe: Really?

Chandler: Yeah, listen, Joey isn't gonna be here tonight so why don't you come over and I'll let you uh, feel my bicep. Or maybe more.

Phoebe: I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! (Hangs up.) Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!

Rachel: Are you kidding?!

Phoebe: No!

Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to Mon—Whoa! (She stops suddenly and slowly turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.) Joey, do they know that we know?

Joey: No.

Rachel: Joey!

Joey: They know you know.

Rachel: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two!

Phoebe: God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! (Joey just shakes his head.) Joey, you can't say anything!

Joey: I couldn't even if I wanted too.

[Scene: Outside Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, Ross is knocks on the door and Ugly Naked Guy answers it. He's ugly. He's naked. And he's holding a huge jumbo soda.]
Ross: Good evening, sir. My name is Ross Geller. I'm one of the people who applied for the apartment. And I-I realize that the competition is fierce but—I'm sorry. I, I can't help but notice you're naked and (He claps his hands.) I applaud you. Man, I wish I was naked. I mean, this-this looks so great. That is how God intended it.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica and Rachel and Phoebe are planning their respective strategies to break the other pairing. Joey is not amused.
Monica: (in the kitchen with Chandler) Look at them, they're-they're panicked!
Chandler: Oh yeah, they're totally gonna back down!

Monica: Oh yeah!

[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch.]

Phoebe: All right. All right! If he wants a date? He's gonna get a date. All right, I'm gonna go in.

Rachel: All right. Be sexy.

Phoebe: (laughs) Please.

(She saunters over to Chandler with a mean pair of 'Come hither' eyes and she glares at Monica.)

Phoebe: So Chandler, I-I'd love to come by tonight.

Chandler: (initially worried, but gets over it) Really?

Phoebe: Oh absolutely. Shall we say, around seven?

Chandler: Yes.

Phoebe: Good. I'm really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse.

(As she walks away, Chandler mouths a scream to Monica. How motions and mouths, "It's okay, it's okay.")

Joey: (looking out the window) Hey-hey, check it out! Check it out! Ugly Naked Guy has a naked friend!

(They all run over to the window.)

Rachel: Oh yeah! (She gasps.) Oh my God! That is our friend! (Monica covers her face.) It's Naked Ross! (Monica turns and buries her face in Chandler's shoulder.)

All: Yeah, it is! Naked Ross!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting Phoebe ready for her date.]
Rachel: Show time!
Phoebe: Okay, Rachel, get me perfume!

Rachel: Okay! (She runs to get some.)

Phoebe: And Joey, get me a bottle of wine and glasses? (He begrudgingly does so.)

(In the meantime, Rachel has returned with the perfume and sprays a mist out in front of Phoebe who walks through the mist and does a little spin.)

[Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Monica is getting Chandler ready for his half of the plan.]

Monica: All right, it'll be great! You just make her think you wanna have sex with her! It'll totally freak her out!

Chandler: Okay, listen, how far am I gonna have to go with her?

Monica: Relax, she-she's gonna give in way before you do!

Chandler: How do you know?!

Monica: Because you're on my team! And my team always wins!

Chandler: At this?!

Monica: Just go get some! (Kisses him.) Go! (She runs to hide in the bathroom.)

[Cut to the hallway, Phoebe is outside getting some last minute instructions from Rachel.]

Rachel: (handing her the wine) Okay honey, now I'm gonna try to listen from right here!

Phoebe: Okay.

Rachel: Okay? Whoa, wait! (She undoes one button on Phoebe's dress.)

Phoebe: Good idea!

Rachel: Yeah, oh wait! (She goes for another one.)

Phoebe: Oh now, don't give away the farm!

(Phoebe knocks on the door with the wine and Chandler answers it. Rachel hides next to the door.)

Chandler: Phoebe.

Phoebe: Chandler.

Chandler: Come on in.

Phoebe: I was going too. (They go inside and he closes the door.) Umm, I brought some wine. Would you like some?

Chandler: Sure.

(She makes a big show out of pulling out the cork and pours the wine.)

Phoebe: So, here we are. Nervous?

Chandler: Me? No. You?

Phoebe: No, I want this to happen.

Chandler: So do I.

(They click their glasses and take a sip. That sip turns into a gulp, which quickly progresses into their mutual draining of their glasses at once.)

Chandler: I'm gonna put on some music.

Phoebe: Maybe, maybe I'll dance for you. (She starts doing a rather suggestive and seductive dance that's silly at the same time.)

Chandler: You look good.

Phoebe: Thanks! Y'know, that when you say things like that it makes me wanna rip that sweater vest right off!

Chandler: Well, why don't we move this into the bedroom?

Phoebe: Really?

Chandler: Oh, do you not want to?

Phoebe: No. No! It's just y'know first, I wanna take off all my clothes and have you rub lotion on me.

Chandler: (swallowing hard) Well that would be nice. I'll go get the lotion.

[Cut to the bathroom, Chandler is entering.]

Chandler: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!

Monica: She's bluffing!

Chandler: Look, she's not backing down! She went like this! (He does a little mimic of her dance.)

[Cut to the hallway where Phoebe is conferring with Rachel.]

Phoebe: He's not backing down. He went to get lotion.

Joey: (entering the hall) Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?! I wanna sit in my chair!

Rachel: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open.

Joey: Ooh!

Rachel: Okay!

Joey: I like that! (To Phoebe) Oh, okay! Show him your bra! He's afraid of bras! Can't work 'em! (He swiftly rips open the front of Phoebe's dress revealing her bra.)

Phoebe: Joey! (Examining the dress.) Wow, you didn’t rip off any buttons.

Joey: It's not my first time.

[Cut to the bathroom.]

Monica: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!

Chandler: Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here?

Monica: Of course.

[Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment door.)

Chandler: Oh, you're-you're going?

Phoebe: Umm, not without you, lover. (She slowly walks over to him and is showcasing her bra.) So, this is my bra.

Chandler: (swallowing hard) It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very were gonna be having all the sex.

Phoebe: You should be. I'm very bendy. (Pause) I'm gonna kiss you now.

Chandler: Not if I kiss you first.

(They move closer to together and Phoebe hesitantly puts her hand on Chandler's hip. He puts his hand on her left hip but then decides to put his hand on her left hip. Phoebe then grabs his butt. Chandler goes for her breast, but stops and puts his hand on her shoulder.)

Phoebe: Ooh.

Chandler: Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss.

Phoebe: Here it comes. Our first kiss.

(They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and pushes Phoebe away.)

Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya!

Phoebe: And why not?!

Chandler: Because I'm in love with Monica!!

Phoebe: You're-you're what?!

(Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt, and Rachel and Joey both enter.)

Chandler: Love her! That's right, I…LOVE…HER!!! I love her!! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica.

Monica: I love you too Chandler. (They kiss.)

Phoebe: I just—I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love!

Joey: Dude!

Chandler: And hats off to Phoebe. Quite a competitor. (Pause) And might I say your breasts are still showing.

Phoebe: God! (She turns and buttons up.)

Joey: All right! So that's it! It's over! Everybody knows!

Monica: Well actually, Ross doesn't.

Chandler: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.

(Joey suddenly gets very angry.)

Ending Credits
[Scene: Ross's new apartment, he is showing his boss, Dr. Ledbetter his new place and new outlook on life.]
Ross: A new place for a new Ross. I'm gonna have you and all the guys from work over once it's y'know, furnished.
Dr. Ledbetter: I must say it's nice to see you back on your feet.

Ross: Well I am that. And that whole rage thing is definitely behind me.

Dr. Ledbetter: I wonder if its time for you to rejoin our team at the museum?

Ross: Oh Donald that-that would be great. I am totally ready to come back to work. I—What? (He notices something through the window.) No! Wh… What are you doing?!! (Dr. Ledbetter is slowly backing away.) GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monica: I can't believe we've never done this before! It's sooo good! So good for Monica!

(Chandler picks up the timer being used and turns it to zero at which it chimes.)

Chandler: Oh! Look at that, time's up! My turn!

Monica: That was a half an hour?

Chandler: It's your timer.

(They change places.)

Monica: Y'know, I don't like to brag about it, but I give the best massages!

Chandler: All right, then massage me up right nice!

(She starts the massage, only she is doing extremely hard and Chandler is gasping in pain.)

Chandler: Ah! Ahh!! Ahh!!

Monica: It's so good, isn't it?

Chandler: It's so good I don't know what I've done to deserve it!

Monica: Say good-bye to sore muscles!

Chandler: Good-bye muscles!!

Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch.]
Chandler: I'm telling you, she gives the worst massages ever!! Okay, it was like she was torturing me for information. And I wanted to give it up I just—I didn't know what it was!
Joey: Chandler, if it really hurts that bad you should just tell her.

Chandler: Look, for the first time in my life I'm in a real relationship. Okay, I'm not gonna screw that up by y'know, telling the truth.

Ross: (walking up with Rachel and carrying coffee) Hey.

Joey: Whoa, dude, look out! You almost crushed my hat! (He picks a hat up from the floor. It's one of those magician stovepipe hats.)

Ross: Sorry.

Chandler: (examining the hat) And the bunny got away. (Turns and starts looking for the bunny as Joey puts the hat on.)

Ross: (glaring at Joey) This would be the place where you explain the hat.

Joey: Oh! Yeah, look there's this play all right? And I'm up for the part of this real cool like suave international guy. A real clothes horse. So I figure that everyone at the audition is gonna be wearing this kinda y'know, ultra-hip, high fashion stuff.

Chandler: And you're gonna make them all disappear.

Joey: Yeah, like you could find something as sophisticated as this.

(Chandler picks up a basket from the table and puts it on his head.)

Chandler: Done.

Rachel: Joey, if you wanna look good, why don't you just come down to the store? I'll help you out.

Joey: Great! Thanks, Rach!

Rachel: Sure! (Pause) God, please take those off!

Joey: All right.

(Both of them remove their hats as Phoebe enters.)

Ross: Hey Pheebs, how's it going?

Chandler: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey! Umm, well, only okay because I just got back from, from the hospital.

(All at once.)

Rachel: What?

Ross: Is everything okay?

Joey: Are you all right?

Phoebe: Oh yeah, no-no-no. I'm fine. I'm okay, but umm, my Grandma sorta died.

Joey: Pheebs! Sorry!

Phoebe: It's okay, I mean she had a really incredible life. And it's not like I'm never gonna see her again, y'know she's gonna visit.

Rachel: Well maybe, maybe she's with us right now?

Phoebe: Yeah, her first day on a new spiritual plane and she's gonna come to the coffeehouse!

Monica: (entering, in a hurry) Guys! Guys! I just saw two people having sex in a car right outside.

Ross: Uhh, Pheebs' Grandmother just died.

Monica: Ohh my God, I'm so sorry.

Phoebe: It's okay. Actually y'know what, it's kinda cool. 'Cause it's like y'know, one life ends and another begins.

Monica: (to the guys) Not the way they're doing it. What, what happened? How did she die?

Phoebe: Well umm, okay we were in the market and she bent down to get some yogurt and she just never came back up again.

Joey: Pheebs, I'm so sorry.

Phoebe: It was really sweet. The last thing she said to me was; "Okay dear, you go get the eggs and I'm gonna get the yogurt and we'll meet at the checkout counter." And y'know what? We will meet at the checkout counter.

[Scene: Bloomingdale's, Rachel is fixing Joey up with some new clothes.]
Rachel: Okay now Joey, y'know that since you're returning all of this stuff right after the audition you're gonna have to wear underwear?
Joey: All right, then you'd better show me some of that too then.

Rachel: Okay, it's missing something. Ooh, I know! Umm, okay. (Goes and grabs a bag, that looks like a purse, and shows it to Joey.)

Joey: Really? A purse?

Rachel: It's not a purse! It's a shoulder bag.

Joey: It looks like a women's purse.

Rachel: No Joey, look. Trust me, all the men are wearing them in the spring catalog. Look. (Shows him.) See look, men, carrying the bag.

Joey: See look, women, carrying the bag. (He puts it on his shoulder and looks at himself in the mirror and likes what he sees.) But it is odd how a women's purse looks good on me, a man.

Rachel: Exactly! Unisex!

Joey: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.

Rachel: No! No Joey! U-N-I-sex.

Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.

[Scene: Ursula's apartment, Phoebe is about to break the bad news to her sister. She knocks on the door.]
Ursula: Who is it?
Phoebe: It's Phoebe.

Ursula: Oh great! (Opens the door.) (Disappointed) Oh, you. Umm, what's up?

Phoebe: Umm, well I sorta have some bad news, can I come in?

Ursula: Umm, yeah—no thanks.

Phoebe: Umm, well, umm Grandma died.

Ursula: Wow! Didn't she die like five years ago?

Phoebe: No, she just died today! Okay, umm, we're having a memorial service tomorrow.

Ursula: Okay, I know that I went to that all ready.

Phoebe: No you didn't!

Ursula: Well, then who's been dead for five years?

Phoebe: Well, lots of people! Look, are you coming to memorial service or not?

Ursula: Umm, no. See I already thought she was dead so I kinda made my peace with it. Plus, I'm going to a concert tomorrow. So… I'd invite you, but umm, I only have two tickets left.

Phoebe: Fine. Okay, enjoy your concert. (Starts to leave.)

Ursula: Thanks! Enjoy your funeral.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are on the couch as Joey enters with his new bag.]
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!

(As he walks past both Chandler and Ross notice the bag and stare at each other in shock.)

Chandler: Wow! You look just like your son Mrs. Tribbiani!

Joey: What? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book!

Ross: Your make-up!

Rachel: (entering) Joey, what are you doing with the bag? You're audition is not until tomorrow.

Joey: Yeah, but sandwich time is right now. (Removes a sandwich and starts eating.)

Rachel: Joey, y'know you get any mustard on that bag, you can't return it.

Joey: Why would I return it? I love this bag!

Rachel: All right, then you owe me $350.

Joey: Fine! Do you take Vasa or Mustercard? (He's holding the fake credit cards that come with the bag.)

Rachel: (glaring at him) Joey…

Joey: All right relax, look I'll pay you with the money from the acting job I am definitely gonna get thanks to you.

Ross: What's the part, Anti-man?

Rachel: Hey, don't listen to them. I think it's sexy.

Joey: U-N-I-sexy? (Smiles provocatively.)

[Scene: Phoebe's Grandmother's memorial, Phoebe is at the door welcoming people.]
Phoebe: Well hello, Mrs. Penella! Thank you so much for coming! Well, okay look, here's your umm, 3-D glasses and Reverend Pong will tell you when to put them on.
(The gang arrives.)

Rachel: Hi sweetie!

Ross: Hey, how are you holding up?

Joey: Hey Pheebs, I'm so sorry.

Phoebe: (notices his bag.) Hey, y'know what? My Grandma had the exact same bag!

Joey: Here, I brought you some flowers. (He pulls them out of the bag.)

Phoebe: Thanks!

Chandler: Pulling flowers out it makes the bag look a lot more masculine.

(Another man, an older man, enters, looking around and bumps into Chandler.)

Man: Oops, I'm sorry. Excuse me. Is this the umm, the memorial?

(The gang moves off as Phoebe greets the new guest.)

Phoebe: Yeah, welcome.

Man: Hello. Hello.

Phoebe: Umm here's your 3-D glasses.

Man: Oh, umm, all right.

Phoebe: So how did you know Francis?

Man: Well I actually, I-I really, I haven't seen her for years. But umm, well I-I was pretty tight with-with her and her daughter.

Phoebe: Really?! What's your name?

Man: Umm, Frank Buffay.

(Needless to say, Phoebe is stunned into silence. And one audience member gasps.)

Frank Sr.: (Seeing the look on her face) Y'know what? Strike that. My name uh, actually is-is Joe. Uh, Joe umm, Hill.

Phoebe: You're Frank Buffay?

Frank Sr.: Shh! (Whispers) No! Joe Hill!

Phoebe: You just said…

Frank Sr.: Y'know what, I gotta go. And thank you so much for coming. (Hands back his glasses and hurries out.)

Phoebe: But…

(Phoebe takes one step after him and stops.)

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Monica: What?! What honey?

Ross: What happened?

Phoebe: That was my dad!

Chandler: Oh my God!

(They all look down the hall he left from.)

Joey: (approaches, wearing his glasses) Hey you guys, check it out. Check it out. (Moves his hand towards and away from his face.) It's like it's coming right at me. (Chandler helps out a little bit by pushing on Joey's arm, which causes his hand to slap him in his face.)

Commercial Break
[Scene: The Funeral Home, continued from earlier. Phoebe is returning after looking for her father.]
Monica: Oh, did you catch him?!
Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Ross: Wh-what did he say?!

Phoebe: He said, "Nice to meet you Glenda." (They stare at her, dumbfounded) Well, obviously I couldn't give him my real name?

Rachel: Why?! Why not?!

Phoebe: Come on, you saw the way he ran out of here! What do you think? He's gonna stick around and talk to the daughter he abandoned!

Joey: What did you say to him?

Phoebe: Well, I said, I told him y'know, that I was the executor person of Francis' will and that I needed to talk to him so I'm gonna meet him at the coffee house later.

The Pastor: Could everyone please take their seats?

Phoebe: All right, well, I just can't think about that right now. I just wanna say good-bye to my Grandma.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: All right, let's go say good-bye.

(They put on their glasses and try to find their way to their seats.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, after the funeral, everyone is there.]
Joey: (entering, with bag) Hey! I'm off to my audition. How do I look?
Rachel: Ahhh, I think you look great! That bag is gonna get you that part.

Chandler: And a date with a man!